Hello everyone, your words have brought tears to my eyes. I just wish that I were not so overwhelmed and stressed and maxed out emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. I would like to be there for all of your still. Thank you, everyone, sincerely for your care & concern and support.
Rock, to answer your questions...
How old are you? 42
What type of jobs do you do? I have worked in Administration and management. Mostly I've been promoted from Exec Admin Asst jobs to jobs where I was primarily the liasion for huge projects. I've done a lot of Vendor Relationship Management (not purchasing) and I've worn the Business Analyst/Project Mgr. hats (but this type of job is much too stressful for me now).
What are your skills? Mostly office administration, organization, coordination, process improvement -- the intangibles (Jill of all trades, Master of none)
What State are you from? Southern California (near Los Angeles)
Wow - you've really been through a lot. You are in my prayers for a complete recovery.
Now with the neck, shoulders and back, is this from a accident our is this like severe tension? Have you ever been to a chiropractor for this because you are right this will cause migraines.
I have three bulging discs from old whiplash accidents. I also suffer with chronic migraine. This, thankfully is getting better with the help of a preventative. Seems I've tried everything. I'm a hard case. The neck/shoulder pain is a build up of tension from stress. I am very aware of posture, do stretching exercises and light strenghthening but by the end of only 1 day at a desk job I am in agony. By the end of three - I ended up in the ER for a shot of Toradol. If I could get some resolution on one of the major stressors in my life, I might be able to reduce some stress which would in turn reduce the physical pain to some degree but it doesn't look like it's going to get better - in fact, it's going to get a lot worse. I have no idea how my body is going to continue to look for a job, look for a place to live, pack my house and move. My body can't take it anymore.
You are absolutely right about
"men." I have no desire to date. Some people would go that route so some guy would "help" them, for me it is just another person to "please" and I can't handle that. I KNOW for a fact that I would never choose an abusive man again. As soon as I saw the signs of crazy maker, pathological narcissist, verbal, mental or psychological abuse - I'm out of there! Trust me on this one. I've already gotten married and the dream died. I would like to get married again but only if it is a healthy relationship. Otherwise, I will be content to be single.
My Mom is willing to help "temporarily." It's hard, however, b/c she went through 4 failed back surgeries and eventually got on SSI disability and nobody in her family was there for her either, so this is bringing stuff up for her and she's letting me know about
it which only makes me feel worse. At this point, I'm not able to "not" internalise the feelings of someone that I am so close to. I don't want to wreck the little peace that my Mom has finally gotten. As for my family, I'm the eldest of 4. Moved out when I was 17 1/2 b/c Mom and Dad got divorced, Mom took the 2 little ones and Dad was abusive -- even more so when Mom wasn't around - I got the brunt of it. I guess their just wasn't enough love to go around so nobody knows how to love. I think it's about
"self preservation." I'm the only one that does not have an "addiction." Brother, alcohol and gambling, Sister - anorexia turned bulimia - now exercisaholic, younger Bro drugs/pot. They avoid emotions like the plague. My younger bro by 2 years hates Christians. Therefore, we have no relationship. I don't push it on him but he doesn't want to call in case I have a xmas wish and he doesn't want to come over and look at my Christian trinkets or pictures. Twice he drove my Mom's car and took off the fish that she had on her key chaing before he drove the car. He wants to give me advice that I cannot take b/c I am not an agnostic liberal. His advice is not for me. I moved home only once for 6 months and I've borrowed a total of $700.00 so I'm not the family leach or anything like that. They should realize that the chips are really down for Kelly. This is not like her. We should help her. But that's not the way they think.
Rock, this post is getting really long. I like when you say "this has to stop." One of the things I DECIDED yesterday....suicide is NOT an option. I'm not going to say it out loud, I'm not even going to think it. Somehow, someway, I will get through this. I want to live.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
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