Hi guys just got in. I got brave last night, again, and took a couple of pain pills, new better. Panic attacks got here quicker than a overdue utility bill. Man you got to love those things. I am studying them. The seem to attack my worst fears, the number one being suffocation. I know that I'm not suffocating but sure does feel like it. Just a little while ago, I said to myself "well go ahead and die" and then I remembered I got a car payment due tomorrow. So I will have to wait until Wednesday night to die. Man they get worse when I lay down and it's instant. I just hope I don't get in a car accident because they would have to find a ambulance tall enough for me to stand up in because there ain't no way I'm laying down. I knew better but I let the pain get to me and just took a couple of them. I ripped that incision
open the other day and it has been nothing but constant pain 24/7. Kinda remindeds me of my first marriage, nothing but a great deal of pain.
Those were some very nice things you had to say. I sure do want to thank you. I was trying to feel sorry for myself but that will not get me anywhere, I'm still going to be in pain. I'm just like all you there are times I just want to feel sorry for myself. It seems like everytime I get a grip on one thing something else comes along and knocks my feet out from under me. Thats why God created day and night, so we could sleep and get a moment of peace. I will take that moment tonight while I sleep and get another wind. I refuse to get out of that bed worrying or feeling sorry for myself. Oh I will want to, but I'll stop myself. Somewhere there is that 5 year old child with cancer that you have heard me talk about
. I figure he's smiling like he always is and he will put me in my place. It will be a new day and if I am sincere God may allow me to make the world a little better than it was yesterday. darn that sounds pretty philosophical, I must have read that somewhere. If all that does not work, I will simply walk over to the refrigerator, get a beer and get drunk (Just kidding.)
Folks the whole key for me tonight is to realize I am tired, its been a long day, I'm in pain, and depressed. I recognize this and most likely allowed myself to get into this mood. I'll guarantee you that somewhere today I could have stopped these feelings and had a pretty nice day. But I chose to stay in the negative and I almost wasted the whole day. I don't allow this to happen often, because in the morning I will realize I still have the same problems. Chances are that I could have solved several problems today, if I had been positive, and I would not have to wake up to them in the morning. So tomorrow I'm not going to get depressed that I wasted a day, hell I'm just human and had a bad day. But I ain't having two in a row, thats when it starts to get dangerous. Besides it's a hell of a lot more fun to be positive.
Finally, I said I ALMOST wasted the whole day but I sat down here and found the message you all left me and right now I feel pretty FANTASTIC!!!!! Because I took the time to talk with some of you when you were having a bad day, it kept me from running this whole day, because tonight when I got home you all were here talking to me. Thats why I do my best to stay positive, worked out pretty darn neat don't you think. Folks positive works I just proved it again. Good Night and God Bless
KEEP THE FAITH
Post Edited (Rock50) : 1/9/2007 9:43:29 PM (GMT-7)