There's no silver lining anymore

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Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 116
   Posted 1/25/2007 2:40 PM (GMT -6)   
There just doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel anymore and Im not sure how to handle that. I've spent the day crying and feeling sorry for myself. Im trying not to. But after feeling so bad for so long and having hope that one day it will just go away and i'll feel " normal" , it was all shattered. I know i could have plenty worse things then chronic fatigue and fibro. I know that there are people out there even on this board who have way bigger problems then i have. But I feel that the silver lining that I have dreamnt of has been taken away from me. I will never feel better. Sure I might have days I feel okay. But I'll never have the energy my small children deserve in a mother. I'll never be able to just go run around with them and bounce on the trampoline or even walk around Disney world with them without wearing my body down to where it cant ..just cant move anymore. I've lived like this for 4 years and I thought that one day it would go away. Or one day a Dr would say..well we know what it is and this is how we can cure it. I realize now, having those hopes was just wishful thinking on my part and down deep I guess i realized that it wouldnt happen. But now I hear... you'll suffer with this for the rest of your life and it is just tearing me down. I am only 27 years old. I didn't think that was that old until yesterday when both my mother in law and Dr reminded me..hey're not young anymore. Im sad and depressed and feel like I just have nothing to look forward to in life anymore except getting older and my condition worseing and eventually dying miserable. My husband doesn't get it. He is in  no way is a supportive husband. Never has been, but its something I have just overlooked and dealth with. He doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body. I know it comes from his upbringing or lack there of I should say. But it angers me that instead of understanding how I feel or talking to me about how sad I am. The only words I get from him are.. " I guess you'll use this as an excuse to not clean" I even tried quitting smoking on Monday because he told me how much he needed me and how he wants me to live a long life. Now we both have gone through me trying to quit smoking a million times and it always ended badly with him not being able to take my mood swings and fits of anger that i DOOO get when I quit. So this time he promised and swore he would be more understanding and wouldn't get angry with me. That lasted for about a day. Im back to smoking today.I just feel like I'm alone and no one really gets how I feel. My best friend is wonderful and I know she tries so hard to understand and be supportive and tells my husband off when he is just being his jackass self, but even she doesnt truely get how i feel. Like my life that I had to look forward to has been taken away from me by some syndrom that I dont even fully understand.
I just needed to vent a little to people that I know "get" what its like. Thanks for reading.
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.--

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 1372
   Posted 1/25/2007 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless. Are you on anti-depressants or seeing a counselor to help you deal with this? I would encourage you to do so. I am facing being laid-off for the fourth time in my career, I'm 44. I also have anxiety/panic disorder, crohn's disease, depression, high blood pressure and IBS. It is alot to deal with and sometimes it is not easy. Try reading some books on perservence. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 1/25/2007 4:51 PM (GMT -6)   
First off 27 isn't old. 27 isn't even middle aged :). I feel the way you feel often. It is never any fun when you are told you have something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. It can be devastating to conclude that your "idea" of normal isn't going to happen. I suggest that you change that idea of what is a normal life. You wrote that you will never have the energy your small children deserve. My mother has MS and never was able to do any of the things you cited above but was caring, responsible, and emotionally available whenever and however I needed her. That is what motherhood is about and that is what your children will remember. I am also a smoker and it is very hard for the people around me when I have tried to quit. It is a addiction it doesn't go away over night and no matter how many times you tell them this they will never get it. Have you tried any aids to help? I did good with the patch and quit for about a year and a half but started again because I'm a doofus lol. I think that it is great you know exactly who your husband is and aren't in fantasy land regarding his sympathies or lack thereof. My husband is the same way. You could be laying in bed dying and he's wonder what is for dinner. Some people are like that. My husband is in no way a mean man and I know for a fact he loves me but like you stated they don't get "it" Knowing exactly who people are makes a relationship easier. With that said you need to find someone who does get it since you can't depend on him with this. The only people that will truly understand are the ones who are going through the same things. I hope that you feel better soon and if you ever need to talk about anything (I have small children too) give me a shout.

"The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out." Thomas B. Macaulay

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 1/25/2007 5:00 PM (GMT -6)   

It sounds so hollow to say, "I know how you feel", but I truly do know. I was your age when my children were young and struggled severely iin the same way you are. You'll find, as they get older, that you won't need quite as much physical energy. If you are a kind, loving mother, that's the most important thing and what will mean the most to your kids. You certainly sound like a kind, sensitive person who is really suffering.

I've been spending my days crying as well due to ongoing health issues and new health scares. I've used the same words: "There's no light at the end of the tunnel." Just when I think there may be one, something new comes up, and I get extremely discouraged and scared. KNow that you're not alone. I would love to keep in touch with you. It makes a world of difference communitcating with someone who really knows what you're going through. Supportive friends and family may try, but they can never truly understand and empathize. Feel free to e-mail me personally. I'd love to stay in touch with you. We may be able to hold each other up.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 1/25/2007 5:07 PM (GMT -6)   


I was in the same place you are a few weeks ago. I'm still there every now and then. I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it hurts to even think about moving around and doing anything. I deal with a plethora of things everyday. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed. Today marks day 4 of not having been outside my house, not even outside the doorway. I tend to coop up and isolate when I feel this way. I know it doesn't do any good but there is only so much you can take on a daily basis and each day you have to decide where that line is.

I can also relate to an unsupportive husband. I lived with one for 10 years before I got the courage to leave his sorry a**. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He thought all the aches and pains weren't real, I was making them up. He never believed me. I've never been one to fake anything like that or cry wolf for attension.

I'm remarried now to a wonderful supportive husband who worships the ground I walk on. He is my very best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him. He is my rock. He deals with all of my aches, pains and mood swings like a pro.

Every once in awhile I see that light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes it disappears from view but it's still there. Things can only get better, just keep your head up and trudge through it all.

Take Care,
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
  DX: ankylosing spondylitis, periferal neuropathy, chronic migraines/headaches, depression/panic attacks, bi-polar, hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, sleep apnea
  RX: synthroid, estradiol, prozac, lamictal, inderal la, klonopin, seroquel, imiprimine, aspirin, (relpax, maxalt, phenergan, esgic plus, xanax, PRN for migraine)
  Surgeries: hysterectomy 1997, tonsillectomy 2001, deviated septum 2005, cataracts (both eyes) 2006

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 1/25/2007 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   


 I to have CFS and have had it seens 94 at first I thought my life was over I had a one year old baby and a 6 year old kid to to deal with while my wife worked as I could not at the time and still can't even do a part time job from it, but as time when't on I had to find ways around it to save my energy even if it mean's having to ride the elec. carts at the store I know that even the simpist of things can and do wear me down. But learning how to deal with it and taking it slowly is the key and know when to rest or your down for a day or more with no energy at all and you start getting depressed about it but I still get to play with my kids I go snowmachining with them, fishing, hunting and riding the horses and so on. You just need to learn how to play the cards right and know when to rest and save the energy you have for those times of play and work and do things at a slower pace with rest in between things

  Life is not over just because you have CFS learning how to live with it and not agaist it is the key

  Cowboy up

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 116
   Posted 1/25/2007 7:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so much for your replies. You dont know how much they mean to me. I feel less alone knowing there are people who understand.
btflnvy thank you so much for reminding me Im not old LOL and im not a horrible person for having such a hard time quitting smoking. Your words about my kids and what defines a good mother really lifted my spirits. I do sit and color with them, listen to their stories, sit and play barbies and read with them. I tell them daily how much i love each and every one of them. So maybe im not so bad of a mother just because i cant go run around with them. You're an angel.
BethEllen- I would love to keep in touch with you. I need a friend. I know that might sound pathetic to some. But i just have a really hard time connecting to people and you seem like such a caring person. So feel free to email me anytime. My yahoo email is listed under my name on my posts.
Seechell- I too stay in my house for DAYS. I knwo how unhealthy it is or at least thats what some will say but for me and it sounds like for you too..sometimes we just need those days locked in to keep us sane and able to gain control over our emotions again. Im glad you found a wonderful man. My husband is a good man. i dont want to mislead anyone. He is not abusive in any way. He is just ....well an insentive jackass sometimes. But i do know he loves me more then life itself. He actually sat down with me today after my post here to ask what he could do to help me get through this. I just cried because at least one prayer was answered.
freezinginAk- always wanted to ask cold is it there? lol Thank you for your supportive words. I knwo I can get thru this and find my own sense of normalty I just need to get my head straight and figure things out from here on out. Your advicee will be heeded. I am going to start resting more on down days saving enery for days ahead when i know i will need it. And if the house doesnt get scrubbed spotless because of it . So be it.
Again thank you all for your support it really helped get me out of my phunk today. Blessings to you all
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.--

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 1/25/2007 8:04 PM (GMT -6)   

  I'm glad that I could be of some help for you, right now it's snowing AGAIN AAAHHHHH lol

  but I have seen it as cold as -55 and so far this winter it's been down to -35 but right now it's +20 and snowing hard, But we are going to be getting up in the 40's wow that going to be like a heat wave and I think that we are up to 7 hours of day light now lol take care and if you need to ask some more ?s feel free to do so Cowgirl up will ya

  Cowboy up

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/25/2007 8:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I have had this since I was young and I am now 53 I am just leaning new coping skills from others here and THEY do work
THERE is a light hun you will see that right now you are down in that dark hole I just came out of I felt like giving up and letting it all go to Hades BUT I came here got my support and love from all that are here for YOU too
Do not give up please I promies you this it will get better not fast and not with quick fixes but with FIGHTING it and doing things to make it get better
Your kids need you
'We need you
Fight babe fight
We are here
email me if you want okay
See your blessings you have some I know you do
Not just th negatives plz
post and let us know how things are
'We are your other family ya know and will be here
Luvs '
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