You just made a good point in your post about
not wanting to act on these thoughts. That is a positive thing and it shows that you have some control over what you are thinking. Your mind may wander and you may suffer these negative thoughts and feelings but try to keep in mind that overall, you do have a choice and it sounds like you have a lot of strength inside you to make the right choice and fight against the negativity and not give into the OCD.
When we are still poorly and are recovering, we have two sides to thinking but it is good that you can see the rational side aswell as the irrational. Try to focus on the postive like I said, and think about
how well you are doing and that you can fight and overcome this feeling.
Take care hun
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Xx Sometimes we all have to go a little crazy just to stay sane xX