Posted 2/18/2007 11:53 PM (GMT -6)
Well, what can I say … My boyfriend and I have been fighting every night for the past 3 nights. We haven’t really been spending time together for about a week or two now. It’s been hard because I recently began treatment for a medical condition (that I must be dedicated to for a whole year), and he hasn’t really been around. I understand we have been on different hours for a while now up until 2 days ago, but even when our hours would cross, he would barely even acknowledge that I was awake. Anyhow, I think a lot of this has gotten to me/us and so towards the night time we land up fighting. Sometimes I even land up getting really upset and blaming him for my current situation (not entirely, but partially). Of course I am not the only one being hurtful during these times, but it doesn’t make it any more right. I have been having panic attacks around the clock as a result of the confrontations and fights- and tonight I almost went to the hospital. I honestly thought there must be something else wrong with me because I was feeling so desperate, depressed, panicked, and the most incredible doom you could probably ever feel. I had moments where I felt like collapsing and screaming at the top of my lungs while in a fetal position (and maybe even ripping my very own hair out of my head). I didn’t do it, but the feelings where very much there and VERY strong. We have been fighting so badly to the point that we are on the verge of breaking up. Well, we have been mentioning me moving out every day for the past 3 days since these awful, awful arguments. I think he is fed up with me. I don’t know what to do. If this is all on behalf of the panic disorder, it is absolutely destroying my life! I feel like I am seconds from going to the hospital and asking for anti-psychotics. I just can’t handle theses emotions that come with such stress. I think because I am doing this other treatment at the moment too, that it makes me feel even more brain fogged, high and derealized; which consequently makes me feel like I am going to lose control and do something crazy. There is so much to say about this entire thing but in the end I just want to fix this. I don’t know, in these recent fights, I am just feeling like I can never ever get over this disorder if I stay here. I love him whole-heartedly (don’t get me wrong), but my entire life has completely changed since we got together. It has changed me, and in terms of ‘growth’- not for the better. God, I feel awful even saying this, makes me feel like I am being deceitful. I really want us to be together and work this out, but I feel his fuse is so short lately, and that I am completely alone. I don’t know what to do. He wants me to change my life, but I am afraid of everything. I am constantly anxious and feeling like I am freaking out by everything. I know he feels I am not contributing to this relationship at all anymore, and he is losing his will to care for me or my situation. I am at home all the time now, no friends really, no work, no school, I go out once a week (maybe) for a short drive or groceries with him… and that’s about it. God, I just feel so down, agitated and scared lately that it makes me feel like I have a mood disorder or something. I don’t know what to do. Maybe this doesn’t sound like it pertains to anxiety, but to me it really, really does. Maybe I should speak to a therapist asap about all of this, but I just don’t know if my relationship will hold up until then. You see, even tonight he said I was acting a lot like I did a year ago (when I nearly left him to be with someone else) and although he thought that was a bit out of my character, I thought (later on) maybe it was mania or something. Now I am back to that, those feelings of complete dependence on him, vulnerability, anxiety and depression. I was doing well with battling those thoughts that I am going crazy for a week or so now, but now I can’t help but think maybe I really need other medication. I need something. Please, any advice would mean everything to me. I am SO scared, anxious, and down right now. Who knows, maybe these arguments (hourly btw) are making me drained even all on their own? He is asleep now but I don’t know how I will ever get to sleep tonight. I really need him more than ever now as I do this new treatment, but he is fed up. I can’t handle my anxiety during these fights, but he just keep screaming and getting angrier. I know I must be an awful person to live with at this point, but that doesn’t change that I am not a bad person at heart. I just need to know what I can do, we have been fighting so much and so badly and it’s making me feel absolutely insane. Please, help me figure out how I can begin to piece my life together again, or if I should leave for a while, go to therapy, etc? Please, please help! Thank you. I’m sorry for writing so much but I feel SO scared tonight and in such a haze I’m afraid to do anything. Please friends, lend me your strength at this time.