How unusual that our situations seem so similar......my husband is 15 years my senior and I also went through the feelings that I was a burden to him..he also hovered over me..in fact he seemed empowered by my poor health.....it did something for him in some strange way.
But the real truth is that he was my burden....always seeming so kind and soliticous.....but always cloaking his anger and agression in being such a good guy.....yet not so good.
My real first clue of that was about 2 years ago when we were considering selling the house and moving.......he didn't like anywhere that I liked....but he strongarmed me when he found a place he liked but I didn't....."Okay I'll just look for a smaller place" he said. Secret meaning: "Ok, if you don't do it my way I'll do it without you. You'll be alone. See how you like that!"
That threw me, as he knew it would, into a panic. What would I do without him? How would I cope? How would I survive? From that day on I saw his actions in a new light......and six months ago the questions became "How long will I live if I stay with him?" and "How will I cope and survive if my life continues along this path?"
Wow....so after we did sell our home, I took the CD we bought with the extra funds, cashed it in, paid off all our debt, opened my own account, split the balance evenly and filed for separation.........and God knows where I ever got the strength.
I live on $1350 a month (we'd had a house in AZ on a golf course) in a brand new lower income development. I got involved in a little volunteer work.I have about 3-5 functional days a month....went back to church......even made a new galfriend from my new dentist's office to see movies with.
This sure beats being in bed believing I was a complete invalid for 7 years! There still are days when the pain is so bad I wonder how I'll ever grocery shop again.......but then my last two days have been fairly good. That's just how fibro/chronic fatigue and all the attending complications goes.
But here is the shocking wrap up to my story: three weeks after I moved 5 hours away from him my husband went into the hospital and was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer...and over the past 5 months I've traveled back to help him out for a few days at a time.......I feel so badly for him because I still care so much but I have no control over the situation and do what I am physically able to do to help.......after my last trip to help out I was in bed for 2 straight weeks. Finally his three kids have made arrangements to help him move back to CA, he has responded well to chemo and I hope he has some good months with his kids and grandkids...he's not a bad guy.......but finally I see for the first time in my life that if I don't put my well being first no one will.
It's so nice to be able to vent here and tell a little of my story and get feedback......so kind of you to answer my message! I think I will hang around for awhile............