At this point, I would rather feel like a "zombie" with a false sense of self-confidence than a worthless bag of sand who's nothing but a socially retarded burden on everyone in her life (meaning my boyfriend, considering I've lived here an entire year and haven't made a single friend)
I just can't get up the courage to call a psychiatrist and say "I'm severely depressed and have social anxiety, please help." I feel stupid. I've pictured the whole scenario as I'm sure it would pan out... I make the appointment over the phone; that goes well. But then the big day comes. The first session. And I go to the office and sit awkwardly in the waiting room. Then they call me back. And I sit in this closed in room with this complete stranger asking me "So, what's wrong? Why are you here?" And I get so nervous that I can't think of anything to say and I come off as not having a problem at all other than being an idiot. And anyway, who has time for counseling with having to work 8-5. Even if I don't choose to go the psychiatrist route, I still feel uncomfortable asking my PCP to prescribe me antidepressants. It's been on the tip of my tongue at past appointments and I just couldn't get myself to say it.
Everything just seems to be falling apart in my head. I can't piece anything together anymore. When I'm at work, I feel too depressed to actually work, when I'm home I sit around on the internet or sleep all the time, I'm gaining weight from the prednisone I take for my embarassing chronic disease, and for someone with a history of eating disordered behavior and thought patterns, it's not exactly beneficial to my well-being. The only thing keeping me from self injury is the fact that there'd be virtually no way to hide it from the SO until it heals and I don't like him to see that weakness.
And I have this constant anonymous anxiety like I'm ruining everything in my life by not doing things properly but I don't know how to do them or what I steps I should take first. Every day that passes feels like it's closer to the end of something and I'm not nearly prepared enough.
And on top of everything, someone smashed in my back window in my car tonight. Who knows why- I go out of my way to either avoid or be overly nice to everyone I meet and this is the thanks I get. Life is awesome.
I'm really just rambeling now. I'm not even sure what the purpose of this was. I'm sorry everyone, what a lousy first post for this forum. I probably just sound like some whiney girl who doesn't know how to make friends so I'm here having a pity party for one. How lame.
Hi, I'm Edie by the way.
Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia from long term prednisone use
Currently taking 10mg of prednisone (down from 40! Bleeding has returned but I'm sticking it out... I want off!!)
Waiting to start back on Azathioprine...