maybe medications will make it easier to deal

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 5/12/2007 3:04 AM (GMT -6)   
At this point, I would rather feel like a "zombie" with a false sense of self-confidence than a worthless bag of sand who's nothing but a socially retarded burden on everyone in her life (meaning my boyfriend, considering I've lived here an entire year and haven't made a single friend)

I just can't get up the courage to call a psychiatrist and say "I'm severely depressed and have social anxiety, please help." I feel stupid. I've pictured the whole scenario as I'm sure it would pan out... I make the appointment over the phone; that goes well. But then the big day comes. The first session. And I go to the office and sit awkwardly in the waiting room. Then they call me back. And I sit in this closed in room with this complete stranger asking me "So, what's wrong? Why are you here?" And I get so nervous that I can't think of anything to say and I come off as not having a problem at all other than being an idiot. And anyway, who has time for counseling with having to work 8-5. Even if I don't choose to go the psychiatrist route, I still feel uncomfortable asking my PCP to prescribe me antidepressants. It's been on the tip of my tongue at past appointments and I just couldn't get myself to say it.

Everything just seems to be falling apart in my head. I can't piece anything together anymore. When I'm at work, I feel too depressed to actually work, when I'm home I sit around on the internet or sleep all the time, I'm gaining weight from the prednisone I take for my embarassing chronic disease, and for someone with a history of eating disordered behavior and thought patterns, it's not exactly beneficial to my well-being. The only thing keeping me from self injury is the fact that there'd be virtually no way to hide it from the SO until it heals and I don't like him to see that weakness.

And I have this constant anonymous anxiety like I'm ruining everything in my life by not doing things properly but I don't know how to do them or what I steps I should take first. Every day that passes feels like it's closer to the end of something and I'm not nearly prepared enough.

And on top of everything, someone smashed in my back window in my car tonight. Who knows why- I go out of my way to either avoid or be overly nice to everyone I meet and this is the thanks I get. Life is awesome.

I'm really just rambeling now. I'm not even sure what the purpose of this was. I'm sorry everyone, what a lousy first post for this forum. I probably just sound like some whiney girl who doesn't know how to make friends so I'm here having a pity party for one. How lame.

Hi, I'm Edie by the way.
Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia from long term prednisone use

Currently taking 10mg of prednisone (down from 40! Bleeding has returned but I'm sticking it out... I want off!!)
Waiting to start back on Azathioprine...

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 119
   Posted 5/12/2007 10:34 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm pleased to be the second person to respond to you. : )
Many here at one point or another have felt JUST LIKE YOU! So don't try to monopolize the pain - some of us were (or still are) in very similar same circumstances. The first step is to recognize that you're not alone in this (note Sarah for instance). Do you believe that? No sense going any farther until you do. Because if you're so unique in your troubles - your case so different - then what hope is there that any one here can help?
You are a unique person - but overall, we're cut from the same mold. I used to believe that I was totally unique - a mistake that needed to be destroy. That was wrong, bad thinking.
Secondly, you have to believe that your current mode of thinking is flawed and needs to be changed. Inside I think you know that something is very wrong, or you wouldn't be posting here. And you're right - it is. You've become captive to your mind. It's a great sign that you're here. See? You've already taken a positive step forward!
Now the really hard part - moving forward despite how loud your mind is screaming at you to hide. Read some of the posts on this web site. Do you see patterns similar to yourself? If so, then you KNOW you're not unique. What steps did some of these people take? They sought help, and improved - it wasn't easy - but somehow they (people similiar to you) found a way to take those first small steps that lead to bigger ones.
Part of your mind is LYING to you and you've been believing it for a long time. That part of your mind needs to be whipped into submission.
You do that by:
1. educating yourself - reading recommended books, self help activities like this site recommends, participating in discussions on this forum, etc
2. seeking a counselor who has helped people with thinking disorders
3. seeking a physician - preferably a psychiatrist - but until your appointment, an MD can prescribe medicine that will help beat up that part of your mind that is lying to you.
It's not an easy road to travel - but off in the distance, that's an Edie who is looking back and smiling at the "crazy" way she used to participate in life.
You go girl... : )

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 5/12/2007 10:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Good, thorough replies here. My only advice is to read and re-read them. Your anxiety problem is unique in the same way that you are a unique human being, but treatment is sort of standard and tailored to you. There's definitely some help out there. No doubt about that.
My Brain: My friend, My enemy: A blog to chronicle my attempt to recover from anxiety/panic disorder

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 1449
   Posted 5/12/2007 6:03 PM (GMT -6)   

I would make a long appointment with an ordinary doc and write a letter for him to read,mention all your ptoblems and histoty   tell him how you feel at the time as if nervous, its not always obvious, maybe a new doc would have different ideas

valium as needed would be safer taking your other problems into account

remember docs arent there to pass judgement on you and have heard everything before

recovered former longtime anxiety and panic attack sufferer and helper of other sufferers  but no training or  qualifications in medicine or psychology, any remarks that may be taken as advice must be confirmed with doctor or other health professional
emails are welcome but do mention healingwell to avoid risk of deletion as spam

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 510
   Posted 5/12/2007 7:20 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm with Harry, when I swapped pdocs I typed out a 4 page letter, with everything that had been happening since I got ill again. I went into their office and said can we start with you reading this. Doing it this way was much eaiser and opened the doorway.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 5/12/2007 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say thanks for all your replies. I'm looking forward to getting treatment, it's just a matter of picking up the phone and getting the words to come out now. I am also looking forward to being a part of this community as you all seem very kind and supportive, which is something I could definitely use at this point. My boyfriend is as loving and supportive as they come, but sometimes I just don't think he understands. He's a natural "social butterfly" so when I get upset about having to go shopping by myself, I know it seems outrageous to him. And I know it's irrational, I just can't seem to break the pattern.

I guess acknowledging that my behavior is irrational is the first step to changing it though.

It's good to know I'm not alone though. Thanks
Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia from long term prednisone use

Currently taking 10mg of prednisone (down from 40! Bleeding has returned but I'm sticking it out... I want off!!)
Waiting to start back on Azathioprine...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1052
   Posted 5/13/2007 2:45 AM (GMT -6)   

  Hi hardspacecore I just wanted to welcome you to HW and it takes a lot of guts to open up like that but at lease you got some good advice from all that had posted, and I too think you need to have a good talking to your doc about this anxiety problem as well. Since I been put on Lexapro I haven't had a P/A since then and feeling so much better now and I hope that you will do the same.

  Cowboy up

   Forum Moderator Anixety/Panic
  Happyness is sitting around a warm campfire with no worry's or cares as day turn's to night.
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