WEll, now I have a few minutes to sit down and type this all out. I had a good feeling this topic was going to be long for me, so if you are reading, sit down and get a drink too, you will be here a while.
My childhood was very messed up, and very hard, and confusing for me. Now, I could sit here and write a book on my childhood, but I will just give you the fast details here. First of all, I come from a big family. 3 brothers, and 2 sisters, so including me, we are The Brady Bunch!! Anyway, growing up, my one sister was in and out of the house. I never put it together as to why she would move out so much, and why she never called my Dad, Dad. Well, when I was 13, my Grandfathers girlfriend informed me that all 5 of my brothers and sisters came from a different man. I was my Dad's only child, and they were just my half siblings. They all shared the same father though. For reasons I will never understand, my parents felt it was best to not be honest with me about that. I was angry with them the day we had the talk. I will never forget that day, and I find it hard for me to even forgive them for their actions. They said their psychiatrist felt it would be best that I don't know about the kids being from another father. Uh, I don't think so. What psychiatrist would ever suggest that stupid line of advice? Ugh.
So, that was a bad story. Growing up, there was some abuse, my Mother abused my siblings mostly. Very rarely would she even try any on me, but watching it hurts too. The one I remember the most was my oldest sister was laying on the couch, and my Mother was continually beating her with a belt. My sister was screaming, and my Mom was screaming, and it was just HORRIBLE.
My Mohter and Father split up a lot. They were both alcholics, and often times my Mom would throw my Dad out of the house. I was closest to my father, so it always hurt me when this would happen. My Mom use to bring me home with her from the bar. I found out when I was 13 that those men were my fathers brothers, so these men were my uncles and I had NO IDEA until years later.
I dealt with molestation from the time I was around 4 up until the 4th grade...it was 2 different family members. Years later, it started to really bother me, so I wanted to talk about it. I wrote a letter to my frined in the 6th grade and confessed it to her. My Mother snooped, and found the letter, and told me I was a liar, and I was giong to be in big trouble for making such things up. I didn't make it up though, and have never been able to talk about it since then. I also dealt with a form of molestation in the 6th grade. It was my gym teacher. He was touching me and several of my friends in bad ways during class. That was a hard time for me. THen, in the 9th grade, I was dating a boy much older than me, and he pushed me around a lot, and often forced himself on me.
I started having sex way sooner than I was really ready, because in some ways, it gave me attention and affection taht I wasn't getting at home. I know we aren't really sposta talk about drug use here, but in the 7th grade, I started smoking both cigarettes and pot, and in the 8th grade, I started drinking.
My brothers and sisters were in and out of my life, because that is how my family has always worked. I never had all mysiblings in my life at the same time, and my one sister I haven't had a relationship with in about 5 years.
My Mom is pretty ill and has been since September, and this is the 3rd time she has dealt with a serious illness like this. The first time I was in 7th grade, the 2nd time was like 5 years ago.
My father is my best friend, always has been and always will be.
My entire family is disfunctional, and has been for as long as I can remember. I know this story gave a lot of detail, and I hope I didn't get too graphic here. I just knew on a topic like this, I could go on forever. Infact, there is PLENTY that I have left out!
I don't like to blame my family for my issues, but I know that they could have eased a lot of things. GOOD EXAMPLE....my parents moved to another city when I was 15. It was a pretty bad neighborhood, and so I didn't want to go to school there. I moved in with my one brother. Things were crazy there. He is only 5 years older than me, so he was immature too. I would skip schooll, and no one would know, adn I eventually dropped out of school, (when I was 18 actually) and NO ONE even knew.
I felt abandoned in some ways when my parents decided to move to that city. My Mom wanted to be closer to her one cousin. I think that was pretty selfish.
OK. See, I can go forever, I am going to end this now. Thanks for reading...if anyone still is!
Dealing with panic and anxiety for 8 years off and on...right now more on than off. Major health anxiety as well!
New found issues with agoraphobia...working on that too.
I am NOT weak, I am just down right now. I am doing what it takes to get my life back!!!
Best Wishes to all...Tammy