Both of your comments are so on the mark regarding medication. If I was a diabetic and needed to take insulin for the rest of my life, that is not something to be ashamed off. I am starting to realize this now. My mother was a very strong woman and I now realize from my recent behavior and comments from my daughter, that my mom must have suffered for years in silence with anxiety and we never even knew it.
Also, most of the people in my life, (family) tell me to just suck it up, the deaths of my mother and brother-in-law just didn't happen to me it but also to them. I ahve told them over and over you are you and I am me, people handle these types of situations differently.
All I know is that it feels great not to wake up with those attacks anymore and if I need to take medication to keep them away, then so be it. This is not to say that with the help of my therapist, I may try seeing what will happen if I weaned myself off them, but let me tell you, I am a much better person to live with lately and am starting to feel like my old self again.
Today, for the first time in many months I actually enjoyed getting up and putting on makeup as I used to do everyday for years. It was nice to get so many compliments from the people at work and have them realize that I have been actually feeling better lately.
You guys and this forum are a God Send and I am so glad that I have found a place to vent about my fears and my good times. My therapist told me to keep a journal, but you know what, this is much better, you actually have people who are listening to you. I guess that's what I needed the most as the person in my life we I felt cared about my feelings, and how I felt is no longer with me where I can see her, and her voice. Oh, how I wish, I could hear her now with that Italian accent yelling at me about something or other. She was an extremely intelligent woman, loved to cook, good food, politics and religion, we certainly had some lively discussions.
Well good nite to all of you and thanks for listening.