i know about all the frustrations that go along with this stuff. Really try, if you can -- its hard, but not to label yourself a loser. You're NOT a loser. It sounds like you have these thoughts that you want to and should be able to do these things, and because you cant they;re leading to the emotions of sadness and anger. The fact is you cant do somethings right now, and thats OK. Even though its really frustrating, especially getting the kids clothes, you need to try not to label yourself a loser. You're not. Really.
Here's a few things to practice, if you feel up for it that might change your perception of yourself and emotions. By changing the way we think about ourselves, the chain of events start to take place that start to change the way our emotions feel. So doing some of the same activities and looking at them in a different light might make you feel a bit better.
1. Have low expectations right now. While that might sound weird to do, try it. Remind yourself that you are going through very intense emotions and that they will pass, but it might take a while. Basically, if you can, try to except what is happening. This might lessen the anger.
2. Set small goals and try them. Take very small risks and reward yourself for them. Feel good about them. And start really simple. For example, today you can just try and get out of your yard. You don't have to go for a short walk, but just say to yourself "today i'm going to just go outside, and out of the yard". While you are doing this it is important to do a few things. Remind yourself the entire time " Its ok to turn around, if i dont make it out of my yard today its OK. I will make it soon, and i'm trying and thats what really matters". So yeah, if you make it out of the yard GREAT. If you dont GREAT TOO cause you tried Wen, and thats the important part.
3. Try to slow everything down. Even walk slower, read slower, type slower, breathe slower. This again is hard to do, so if you CANT do it, it OK. The trying is the important part. None of this should reinforce your thoughts of being a Loser. Again, it about perception and you are not a loser you're a strong individual! You're just in a really hard spot.
4. Maybe try, if you can only, to do something that will make you feel less guilt. Can you cook or make something for your daughter to let her know how PROUD you are, not sad or guilty YOU feel about not going, but how proud you are of her? You might feel incapacitated right now, so this may not be an option, but if it is maybe give it a shot. Make her some cupcakes or somethings she may like :). And again, if you CANT please please please remind yourself its ok.
5. Acceptance is a really hard one, so if you can even except part of what you are going through you are amazing. Its paradoxical, but it works, " I'm going through a hard time and its ok. Its ok to cry. Its ok to feel the emotions you feel. Its ok to be angry. Its all natural and its all ok.
6. I would encourage you to read (there are a ton of great books out there, but this one help me SOOOOO much) a book call Embracing the Fear. You can maybe have your husband go out and pick it up for you? Or you can definitely order it online.
What i learned over the past few weeks got me through the roughest hell I've ever been through. I personally am taking medications as well, but I've used some techniques that definitely deflated the anxiety / fear / anger / self doubt / This is never going to end feeling.
I learned that things happen in a certain order, and it becomes a cycle. For instance, You wanted to go for a walk. You had the expectations that you could do this, and when you went outside you couldnt. So, a few things happened.
The Action: Going outside
The Thought: Something like "I cant do this, I cant make it"
The Emotion: Sadness, you began to cry
The Result: You felt like a loser.
What i've been personally working on is the thought part. When it happens I'm like the gate keeper of thoughts. The thought springs up " I cant do this". Before I get to the emotional state, i try and slow things down. Ask myself some rational questions, then act upon that. " I cant do this". " Why cant i do this?" ( and when i ask myself its a very neutral non judgment voice, neutrality is the key, its observing the thoughts. " I cant do this because I feel like if i leave the yard something bad is going to happen to me" Then i try and challenge those thoughts. " I think its safe to say that nothing bad will happen, but for today I'm going to turn around because i feel uncomfortable" By doing this sort of self talk you are changing -- even just a little -- the emotion that comes along with it. The thought might be different, you may want to challenge it " I feel like something bad is going to happen to me when i leave the yard (thought)" Then self talk " Well, it looks safe out, i'm just going to move slow and just go a bit outside the yard and observe my thoughts".
If you make outside the yard you can do a few things, but maybe for now it would be good to say to yourself. " I'm outside of my yard and now I'm going to turn around and go back inside".
Anyways, at the end of the day you are a strong woman! You're going through the roughest. And you are not a loser, you are fantastic. You are sensitive and caring and those are great qualities to have. Its seems like when we're in these places we are hypersensitive to emotions, so remember Wen or try cause it very hard but the key is its OK to feel what you feel.
Hope this was a little helpful. Please keep us posted. And please only do things YOU feel comfortable doing. That also is very important. People may give you advice (like myself that may seem overwhelming). Remember these are suggestions and things that helped me. And to take things slow.
Be well to yourself, your not a loser. Losers do not display the courage you are display. Just by posting here you are putting yourself "out there" and thats awesome!
Keep us posted please.
Anxiety and Panic Disorder.
"Breathe! You Are Alive"
- Thich Nhat Hanh