Actually skitt, I went yesterday to my counselor, who was busy, and she told me she wouldn't be here today, so she said we would talk Wednesday. So, tomorrow. I wish I would be feeling really bad when I go to her. It is hard to describe things when I am not experiencing it at the time. When I am really down and having some of the feelings I do, it is easier to explain what is going on. When I feel fine it is hard to say how I feel when I am not ok.
Although, I am not saying I wish I would feel bad! I am going to try to 'talk' to her. Normally she asks questions and I just answer the best I can. She will ask if there is anything I wanted to talk about and I think and then say no. Because I am to scared and so nervous. But not this time. I am going to talk. I know it is hard to 'talk' and I should take it slow as I get comfortable talking, but I need for it to all come out now. I am tired of holding everything in and not telling anyone the whole truth. She is going to know everything.
I even feel bad because I have not been totally honest about some of the questions she has asked me. But, I don't feel comfortable talking about some things. Plus, it is kind of hard, I see her everyday at least 5 times a day at school. She sees me in the halls and with my friends. I can't help but think about it when I see her. Sometimes I notice her watching me and wonder what she is thinking. For everytime before this I have talked with her about college stuff. Never anything personal like this.
When I go in her office it is to get a recommendation from her, and get college stuff. She often talks about how she knows I am really smart and very capable of being very successful. She knows my grades and knows my plans and everything, it feels weird for her to know the 'other side' of me. It's like when you think someone is perfect(even though no one is perfect) and then you see there flaws, their weaknesses.
This is like that. She knows my intelligent, nice, good student side. No one else knows the 'other' me. It is weird to talk about how I am depressed and have anxiety and have all these problems. It's like no one knows the 'real' me. And seeing her everyday it is hard for me to tell her all of these feelings and then face her everyday.
BUT I don't care anymore. I want her to know the 'real' me. I want someone to know who I really am. She of all people should be able to understand me. I just want someone to understand me and it not change the way they view me. I am kind of afraid her when I need college stuff I know she will help me, but I wonder if she keeps in mind what I have told her. I know she isn't going to say anything and I don't feel what she puts on my recommendations and things. I just don't want ti to change the way she views me.
I want people to know and understand the real me, but I don't want them to see me and think 'hey that's the girl with the problem'. I am the quiet, good student person. That's the way people view me. And I am ok with that. But, I want people to know who I really am, good or bad. Yes, I know it really isn't other people's business, but it's hard for people to understand some things I say because they don't know anything about me really. Besides, I shouldn't care what other people think of me. They shouldn't think differently of me just because I have some issues.
Anyways, I am so sorry. I got way off track. This is so long. So sorry. I just start typing and everything I think, I type. Well, tomorrow is the day. I have a bunch of really big things due in the next week so this is a time of major stress and anxiety. Report cards come out in less than a week, so our teachers are trying to get everything in. Which means I have a few finals to take, a big Anatomy project, a research essay, things like that. It's so hard keeping up. I just pray I do well. Well, sorry, venting again.
Thank you guys so much. I don't know what I would do without you guys here to give me encouraging words. Thanks so much.