Panic was near. Ugh, what a horrible day. I've been panic free since 8.11.07. Almost made it an entire month!!! Today really caught me off guard. Before, i expected it ( i was having panic every morning), but the last few weeks I've been feeling really good. In fact last week i felt really strong. My medication really had leveled out and dealing with my dying dog wasn't nearly as bad as it had been when in panic state. Last week I actually felt like i could deal with putting him down. That it would be hard, but i felt like i was in a good mind state, and that i would be terribly sad, but deal with it like others that do the same.
Well, today I guess i hit a bump in my recovery. It was weird because it started off as depression, low level. I actually went and saw my therapist and i think that is what started the snowball. I didnt feel good about my session and after when i went into my office to work, only one other person was in there today ( the reason i even go in there is to be around people). So my distractions at the office weren't there today. So i felt isolated and guilty. Guilty cause my dog gets worse and worse by the day, and it felt wrong to be in the office (isolated) and not at home. I was also thrown of by my session. Maybe i was hoping for some compassion (since I really have changed my lifestyle to help better myself, but I felt like i was being interrogated).Either way i know isolation or being with my dog all day is a really bad thing for me right now. So when i went home around 2pm ( thats the time I go home so i can let him out, finish my days work from home, then get out again for a couple more hours, or just an hour) I cried and hugged my dog. All that felt fine and natural. I'm sad cause my dog is really on his last leg and its hard, so yeah, i don't feel bad or guilty about having those feelings. But then as the day went on, my depression or sadness started to take a turn. I realized that i was in a heighten state of alert. Almost as if my pupils were large and all my sensories were going haywire. I realized I know longer cared about my dog or anything really, I began to enter the panic state. I realized that i was going into survival mode, I felt some other symptoms ( like burning in my wrists -- odd one) and the subtle waves of fear. By this time I knew it was on. I began breathing exercises. Deep breath in -- thinking the word WISE.... Exhale out -- thinking the work MIND. I did this for a while. And i actually felt a little better, but the snowball was already building up, so all the little things i would do would help for a few minutes, but then my symptoms would seem to worsen. By 4PM it was time for me to take 1MG of Ativan ( first time in a month) as i was really trying to use skills i've recently learned. The Ativan helped a little bit, but not that much. Luckily, my dog had to go to the bathroom a few times, and getting outside and walking him also helped a bit.
The biggest help, for me though, was calling my pdoc and telling her what was going on. She help put what i already knew into perspective. I felt a lot better after talking to her, but alas, around 10PM I had to take another MG of Ativan. So know, i feel a bit better. I bit zoinked from meds, but a little calmer. Tomorrow shall be interesting. I think if i get a good night sleep, i will be just fine, but if i have to get up and take my dog out a bunch, then i might have a rough day tomorrow. So, i'm trying to stay up for a little bit longer to take him out, then i'll stick him in the other room to sleep.
You know, mondays are tough for me. Not historically, but when it comes to obscure attacks, they tend to happen on mondays. Anyways, it's been a while since i posted, so i thought I would drop in a write some. I hope everyone is hanging in there.
Anxiety and Panic Disorder.
"Breathe! You Are Alive"
- Thich Nhat Hanh