Well, I think ive arrived at a possible source of my problems. Its hard to write about
it and i do feel embarrassed, but I am addicted to the computer. I have been for the past few years of my life. Ive tried to quit multiple times, but it hasnt worked. Over the summer I guess it hit me "what's next?". Friends, family, and everyone around are enjoying themselves outside having fun, while i sit at home on the pc either playing games or just being bored. My sister has so many people call her during the day, me.. i dont. The computer addiction made me socially isolated. I mean i have friends, lots of them even, but I feel very lonely. They are only friends at school. I do not go out with them or anything, i guess its my fault cause i would always turn down every offer till i guess they gave up. I cannot pick up the phone and call anyone of them, i just cant get myself to do it, cause i havent done it in so long and it would feel awkward. And i guess i could also have a bit of social anxiety, cause when i am in a public place i am very self conscious and think everyone is looking at me, people think im stupid or i look ugly or there's something wrong with me.
Anyway, the evenings and weekends are the worst. I feel good (for the most part) when i am with friends. The anxiety is there (a smaller version of it) but the feelings of loneliness do go away. When i get home i return back to reality, i think to myself "oh man, i wish i could still be in school with my friends, it got my mind off worrying, and i was actually laughing". Today I spent all day thinking about
how much fun i had yesterday with friends, and if i could go back in time and live it again, i'd be so happy.
I am 17 years old, going to college next year, and ive realized i cant go on with life playing games or browsing the internet all day long. I am afraid that I will not be able to overcome my addiction and actually be able to go out to the park with my friends, or get a girlfriend, then wife then kids.. It just seems impossible in my mind. When I ask myself "what do i see myself doing in 10 years, 20 years?" i cannot think of an answer. Heck, i dont even know how where im going to go to college, I cannot see myself living out of the house on a campus. I dont want to remember my teen years as one thing, a computer screen. Once i grow up ill have responsibilities, and they wont be to sit down on my ass all day looking at the monitor
And now that this anxiety hit me, ive been reading this forum, i feel much better writing on my own thread, but reading others is a pain. Some of you guys write that you suffer from anxiety for many years. I think to myself "look what ive done to myself". If it is as bad as it is for me right now, I am scared i wont be able to live a successful and fun life. Im scared about
how ill get through college with this constant worry and feeling lonely, im worried that ill not be able to overcome it, or when i am, ill be old already and have ruined my life cause of it. I am afraid that since I worry all the time, it will get worse, and as of now, i do not have frequent panic attacks, heck i dont think ive had a real panic attack since 3 years ago, but what if after such a long time of worrying, they will come and ill develop agoraphobia, and wont be able to go outside cause of it?
Wow, i cant believe i just wrote all that, i poured my heart out. See, now i feel after i hit the submit button and you guys read this, youll think "what a ***** up kid is this?" I mean i feel better now after i write this, but my mind keeps going back and forth between two thoughts 1 being "hey, even if ill live with this forever, atleast its not painful, its only in my head" and the second being "what if i wont be able to live a normal life cause of this computer addiction and anxiety?"
I am making changes as far as the computer is concerned, I no longer have this urge to stay on it, i have sort of a guilt when i am sitting infront of the screen. Ive been trying to get myself away as much as possible. I actually enjoy going out shopping with my parents (well maybe im not very pleased with it but it does get a bit better), or picking up my mom from work, or even going to school has become more of a pleasure than sitting home. And now, this urge to come back and sit by the PC is going away too. I guess im getting better, hey, the first part of overcoming an addiction is admitting it, isnt it?
P.S. sorry for the novel lol
Post Edited (xgm541) : 10/27/2007 7:32:02 PM (GMT-6)