I think its normal to feel anxious about taking meds. For me, I dont ever take anything. I have surgery and never took a single pain pill. I stuck my foot under a mower this summer (accidently) and I didnt take any pain meds! I just like to stick it out, mostly because I hate having to take things. Sometimes I am afraid of what it is doing to me on the inside that I cant see. But, right now, if I had something to take for anxiety or depression, I would take it. I hate living this way. I would rather just take something. It doesnt mean that you are any less of a person just because you take something to feel like yourself again. That doesnt make you a failure or anything!
I totally understand about being home in a 'safe place', I feel the same way! And I can relate to your experience. Sometimes I feel that way. I start feeling really bad and my head feels really strange in a way I cant explain. But, I understand what you explained. I have gone through it. Not sure exactly what it is, but I just wait and it usually passes.
So, I guess I am the resistent type and feels as if I must be strong and stick everything out. But, I have tried doing that with anxiety/panic/depression, and it doesnt work! So, I would take something even though I am against it and I am terrified of side-effects. But, hey, if I can feel better, why not.
I can really relate to you. So, I know how it is. And it never feels good, but I hope you can figure out something so that you can feel more like yourself! Take Care! And have a great day!