OK, so I dunno if this is appropriate or not, but I need some help with it.
I started smoking cigarettes when I was like 15. Well, like 13, but that was to be "cool" and I didn't start doing it "regularly" until I was 15. I quit when I was pregnant, but restarted shortly after I gave birth.
I have expressed to everyone that I did infact FINALLY quit 7 months ago. I did great the whole time. I had like one slip in the first week, where I smoked 1 cigarette, but then, I was fine, and didn't smoke anymore after that.
When I quit, I did it cold turkey. I was tired of spending 5 bucks a pack, and I smoked a pack a day, and I was tired of smelling like smoke, and feeling bad because of it...getting out of breath easily, coughing a lot...so on and so forth.
Well, 2 days ago, I was having issues around the house with my son, and just life in general with these darn pills, and anxiety in general, and I slipped AGAIN. I smoked a couple cigarettes, but once I did that, I told myself I was being stupid, and I had to stop.
Yesterday, I did fine. I somewhat had a craving in the evening, but I forced myself through it, and was fine.
Today is a whole different story...I bought a pack. Yup, that was so bad of me. I went to the store this morning, and bought a pack of cigarettes. I sat in the parking lot of the gas station asking myself what the heck I was doing. I worked so hard to quit, so why the heck am I giving in, and allowing myself to be so stupid. After about
5 minutes, I went in, and bought a pack, with my head held low, I got back in my car.
I lit a cigarette...felt guilty, but it didn't stop me. Throughout the day, I have smoked a total of 6 cigarettes. That is so bad of me, and I am so upset with myself, but I can't stop. It has control of me, and I can't stop it.
Each time I light up a cigarette, I get mad at myself. I get sad that I am giving in. I think about
how yucky I use to feel because of it, yet, I CAN'T STOP!
I am pretty strong...but lately, I have become such a weak person. I hate it so much. Why is this happening to me? Why am I allowing this to happen? It isn't happening to me, I am LETTING it happen. I don't know why I just can't stop!!!
I don't know that I am trying to get answers from you guys...and I know this doens't have to do with anxiety, but I needed to vent in a place where I feel comfortable, and safe. This is that place.
My plan...be it stupid, or not...STOP TOMORROW. I say tomorrow because when I quit for real, I woke up one day and quit...that was easiest for me. I am not saying I am going to sit around and smoke tonight, but if I smoke anymore, I won't beat myself up. Tomorrow is a new day, and I have to go back to the non smoking girl that I know I can be...the non smoking girl that I truly am!
I apologize for the length of this...and if no one replies, that's OK. I really just needed a vent, ya know?
Thanks guys...for everything!
GERD Forum Moderator
Please share, only if you can spare!
Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Attacks.
Clickable Link that may be of interest to some...as I find I often like to check drug interactions...Drug Interactions