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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/10/2007 8:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone!
My significant other always knew that I had anxiety panic and depression issues since i've been diagnosed. But he never understood these problems and everytime I tried to talk to him about it because it was affecting our relationship he would say "grow up" "get over it." I've tried so hard to explain to him that I can't just grow up or get over it cause I can't. I wanted him to understand where it was coming from so I told him to just sit and listen about the source of all these problems. He just set silently didn't say anything until I was done telling him. Then I asked him if he has anything to tell me and he said "what? you were just going on and on." So i told him that I'm pouring out my heart to him and revealing all my weaknees. Then he said "I don't feel like having a heart to heart conversation every week." But it was the first time I told him the whole story.
Now I'm hurt and feel lower than ever cause of his reaction.
He is a very nice guy, very caring but he tells me that he is just sick of my problems. He is tired of seeing me depressed and anxious. He has also witnessed couple of panic attacks. This makes me feel that I ruined out relationship since everything was great til I started getting panic attacks.
I do not have any association with my family for almost 6 years now and he is all I got. I do have couple of close friends but we are in our mid 20s and everyone is busy starting a family or with busy with school. We barely hang out together. So when my significant other pushes me away cause of my problems I feel really lonley. I do understand that he is still young, he is 28 and he doesn't want to deal with these problems. But we've been together for awhile and we been through alot and I feel really betrayed that he has changed now that he realized that my problems are not something I can fix overnight.
I don't want my problems to ruin our relationship and I really want things to work out between us. But he acts like anxiety panic disorder is a monster or something and he doesn't even want to be intimate with me.
How can I help him understand this whole thing? I am willing to do almost anything to make things better. I know he is not a bad person because he helped me with everything else and been there for me all these times. It's just that my depression and anxeity is getting to him and he is getting tired of it. He is new to this kind of disorder and he doesn't know how to react to it. How did you get your significant others to understand about anxiety and panic disorder and depression? Should I just pretend like i'm not anxious and depressed and keep my problems to myself?
*major depression*Anxiety-Panic disorder*

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 11/10/2007 8:19 PM (GMT -6)   
i know how you feel my family does not understand i sometime they don't care to understand, my husband has been great, but i got him to read about anxiety and he understands what i go threw, the symtoms , that helps alot , you can't blame yourself its something cannot control, i know , get him to read about it, i'm here for ya


dx gad and social anxiety

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/10/2007 10:52 PM (GMT -6)   

Hey There,

I am sorry your B/F is not tolerating your anxiety and that is sad but I believe the best thing you may try is to ask him to come to a therapy session with you and ask his questions of your therapist who can explain how he may best help you.

He may not agree to this and if he is at a point where he is not interested in supporting you than you may have to consider him someone that will not be there for you.

I know this seems so unfair but hiding your anxiety will make you worse.  Overcoming your anxiety and learning how to deal with it is your best choice for yourself.  This is your disorder and remember anxiety does not control you, you control it.

It is not your fault that this has happened to you so blaming yourself for the change in your relationship is unfair to you.  Please don't do that to yourself.  You cannot control your B/F's behavior, only your own.

Please work with your therapist and put your first. Keep posting here and know we care and we will support you.



Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/11/2007 1:30 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you machelle and kitt for your advice! =)
I know he wants to support me. But I think it is getting hard for him to handle or this. He has a job that is mentally very challenging and he was trained to not give into people's emotions or his own emotions. I know that that's why it is so hard for him to understand why I can't control my emotions. He never reads books so I'm gonna read and explain to him some of the articles about anxiety and panic disorder that I found online. But as of now he is helping me calm down. I told him that if I started getting really panicky and upset just talk to me calmly and he has been doing that. =)
*major depression*Anxiety-Panic disorder*

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 121
   Posted 11/11/2007 1:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi! Psych issues such as anxiety/depression are not well tolorated in my hubby's family. Course they come from alcoholic families so that in itself helps them not to deal w/ those things. My mom-n-law had the saying I should just get over it. I go to Al-anon and a group to deal w/ my past abuse and my hubby asked, "When are you going to be done w/ these groups?" Talk about no understanding. He also said he wanted the wife he used to have, that one was a wife who emeshed myself in his life and did not know what I really wanted. I am slowly finding out who I am and sometimes that causes lots of anxiety(especially where my kids r concerned). Don't know if this helps but w/ me it is "One day at a time."

Clinical depression
Chronic Fatigue
Restless Leg Syndrome
Factor V leiden Mutation
possible endometriosis

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 11/11/2007 1:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Purple Dream,
First, I am so sorry that you are going through this - with these kinds of issues, we need all the support and understanding we can get.  It helps us to deal with and hopefully overcome these problems.
Second, I soooo agree with Kitt on everything she told you - you cannot pretend to be happy, not depressed, not anxious, etc.  I believe this will only harm you more and your recovery will be much longer.  You need to continue to be yourself even if it means being depressed and anxious. 
Third, your b/f really does need to try to understand these issues - he needs to remember that you are not one of his employees where he can't give into their emotions.  You are his g/f and you need to be treated differently than an employee.  I think Kitt's idea of him going to a therapy session with you is a great one - there he would be able to get some answers and help him understand the problems you have.  If he isn't willing to do this, then maybe he just isn't the person for you - I know that sounds cruel, but you must think of yourself first.  You absolutely MUST take care of you now - that is your #1 priority, not your b/f's inability or not being willing to try to understand these problems.
I have to say that my husband immediately stepped up to the plate to make sure I got everything I needed and continue to need.  However, he's not a big reader, so getting him to understand the anxiety issues as well as the Bipolar issues is a bit of a task.  But I am going to try to get him to talk to the psychiatrist this week a little bit about the BP and the Therapist about the anxiety.  Maybe that will help him understand.  He is super supportive in every other way though.
I wish your b/f could be the same way.  But you really do need to remember - YOU ARE YOUR OWN FIRST PRIORITY AND YOU MUST CONCENTRATE ON TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.  I have been told this so many times by everyone, that I am beginning to believe this.  I have to work on me getting better and so do you.  I am not trying to be cruel or bossy to you, but I want you to understand that you come first in your recovery.  Not your b/f.  Maybe you could make a couple of new friends that would be supportive to you - it's a thought.  But you always know that you have us at HW.  Please keep posting so that we can help and support you.
Many gentle  ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) for you.

Agoraphobia, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mitral Valve Prolapse, Panic/Anxiety Disorders, Restless Leg Syndrome, Severe Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety and PTSD
Meds: Ambien CR, Ativan, Celexa, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER

A slip of the foot you may soon recover,

but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.

Benjamin Franklin


Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 134
   Posted 11/11/2007 2:25 PM (GMT -6)   

Hey purple dream-

I don't know if this will help you or not, but here goes.  I was 22 when I began having major, major panic attacks. I was dating my husband at the time.  Of course he didn't understand what was going on because I didn't understand it either.  But he was there for me - he became my protection; my security.  To this day (almost 14 years later) he still knows and understands my limitations - he is always right by my side when I need him.

However, it has also not been that easy.  There have been sooo many times over the years that he has gotten frustrated with me - he tells me I need to be a big girl and stop relying on him for so much.  That is always hard to take, but I also forgive him, because I know deep down, he doesn't mean those things - he is just frustrated and doesn't know what to do.

He really doesn't read, so when I give him anything to read to understand my condition, he will read it and say nothing. At least I know he read it, and I'm ok with him not responding.  I know from all the times he has come to my defense (with other family members who haev been very cruel to me) that he DOES understand. You know, men have a way of wanting to "fix" things and when they cannot, they get frustrated. I don't think it is any reflection on his feelings for you or how he views the relationship. And sometimes, they just don't want to be bothered either - they have much more interesting things to think about (you know sports, work, ect....) at least that is the case with my dh.

So maybe try to relax a little - I know how painful it is to get anyone to understand this condition. In all reality, only those who have BEEN there will fully understand. That is why You, me, all of us.....need this board. We are here for you!

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