ok, i'm not even sure where to start, i just feel like a royal mess to be honest. Firstly i will apoligise for all my other posts on here, you can tell when i'm anxcious because i post on here about every other second.
I'm 20. male, and after a year trapped in my house feeling horribly sick and sad I got diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Agraphobia, Depression, OCD with a possible GAD or bi polar. I started to get better but to top things off my dad died very unexpectedly, but shortly after i started a corse of prozac which worked like a miricle cure to be honest, i was able to get out and about again, i got my social life back, it really did just turn things around. I still got stages of complete paranoia, it seemed like my brain was just automatically looking for things to worry about, and as soon as i found something to latch on to and worry about, it wouldn;t stop until i had a deffinate answer for it. I went to therapy for about 3 sessions but my therapist said i couldn't have any more sessions free on the health service and i don't have any money to pay for therapy being as i have been out of work/education for a year, so i had no choice other then to just get on with things.
(i'm getting to the point i promise...)
I tend to feel extremely lonely and isolated a lot of the time, i have a very active social life, but i always feel like the one who really, at the end of the day is completely alone and misunderstood. I was sexually abused quite heavily as a child by a friend of the family and i carry a lot of secrets about that, and it made me feel guilty for a very long time, and i think this may be the reason i find it hard to really connect with anyone. It feels like i have no idea what my sexuality is, or if i even have one. It feels like i have to answer to people's needs, if they want me, i have to give myself to them, yet when people seem to actually have feelings for me, i don't know what to do or how to act at all.
Any way, after a lot of lonelyness i met up with a guy who wanted to buy me a drink, a complete stranger really, and he was probably about 30, and he took me behind some disgusting dumpster to kiss me, and things got out of hand. I knew i didn't want him, infact he made me feel kind of sick, he was a mass criminal and drug taker, made racist jokes a lot, which i HATE. But he ended up giving me oral sex even though i didn't want it. After a little while i made him stop and said i had to go. All the way home on the bus i was trying not to cry, feeling disgusted with myself, wondering if i will ever manage to actually be in love and live something close to a normal life.
That was 2 weeks ago and ever since i have been freaking out about having HIV. I know oral sex is a low risk, especially for the very short amount i was involved in it, but just the fact that there is a tiny risk is driving me insain. Its all i think about. I am desperetly trying to find a job at the moment, so i have nothing other then job hunting to do during the day. I research HIV all day, check the message boards, i talk to my best friend about it but she gets very angry with my obsessions like this and is very protective of me, so i can't really talk to her about it without upsetting her. I can't talk to anyone else about it. URGH i feel like my head is going to pop. I don't know what to do at all. This was my first sexual experience since i was a child other then kissing, and i'm sure its just the guilt manifesting itself as a HIV scare, but still i am SO TERRIFIED. I feel sick a lot of the time now, i have slight dioreah, i have a SLIGHT chesty cough which has been lingering around since before the oral sex, which im now convincing myself is early HIV onset.
HELP HELP HELP i don't knwo what to do. I probably will end up getting a HIV test but i have to wait 6 weeks for that.
Sorry this post is so long, its been like therapy just writing it in a way.