going CRAZY (long post, but need help)

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 11/26/2007 7:43 AM (GMT -6)   
ok, i'm not even sure where to start, i just feel like a royal mess to be honest. Firstly i will apoligise for all my other posts on here, you can tell when i'm anxcious because i post on here about every other second.
I'm 20. male, and after a year trapped in my house feeling horribly sick and sad I got diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Agraphobia, Depression, OCD with a possible GAD or bi polar. I started to get better but to top things off my dad died very unexpectedly, but shortly after i started a corse of prozac which worked like a miricle cure to be honest, i was able to get out and about again, i got my social life back, it really did just turn things around. I still got stages of complete paranoia, it seemed like my brain was just automatically looking for things to worry about, and as soon as i found something to latch on to and worry about, it wouldn;t stop until i had a deffinate answer for it. I went to therapy for about 3 sessions but my therapist said i couldn't have any more sessions free on the health service and i don't have any money to pay for therapy being as i have been out of work/education for a year, so i had no choice other then to just get on with things.
(i'm getting to the point i promise...)
I tend to feel extremely lonely and isolated a lot of the time, i have a very active social life, but i always feel like the one who really, at the end of the day is completely alone and misunderstood. I was sexually abused quite heavily as a child by a friend of the family and i carry a lot of secrets about that, and it made me feel guilty for a very long time, and i think this may be the reason i find it hard to really connect with anyone. It feels like i have no idea what my sexuality is, or if i even have one. It feels like i have to answer to people's needs, if they want me, i have to give myself to them, yet when people seem to actually have feelings for me, i don't know what to do or how to act at all.
Any way, after a lot of lonelyness i met up with a guy who wanted to buy me a drink, a complete stranger really, and he was probably about 30, and he took me behind some disgusting dumpster to kiss me, and things got out of hand. I knew i didn't want him, infact he made me feel kind of sick, he was a mass criminal and drug taker, made racist jokes a lot, which i HATE. But he ended up giving me oral sex even though i didn't want it. After a little while i made him stop and said i had to go. All the way home on the bus i was trying not to cry, feeling disgusted with myself, wondering if i will ever manage to actually be in love and live something close to a normal life.
That was 2 weeks ago and ever since i have been freaking out about having HIV. I know oral sex is a low risk, especially for the very short amount i was involved in it, but just the fact that there is a tiny risk is driving me insain. Its all i think about. I am desperetly trying to find a job at the moment, so i have nothing other then job hunting to do during the day. I research HIV all day, check the message boards, i talk to my best friend about it but she gets very angry with my obsessions like this and is very protective of me, so i can't really talk to her about it without upsetting her. I can't talk to anyone else about it. URGH i feel like my head is going to pop. I don't know what to do at all. This was my first sexual experience since i was a child other then kissing, and i'm sure its just the guilt manifesting itself as a HIV scare, but still i am SO TERRIFIED. I feel sick a lot of the time now, i have slight dioreah, i have a SLIGHT chesty cough which has been lingering around since before the oral sex, which im now convincing myself is early HIV onset.
HELP HELP HELP i don't knwo what to do. I probably will end up getting a HIV test but i have to wait 6 weeks for that.
Sorry this post is so long, its been like therapy just writing it in a way.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 11/26/2007 7:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I am not sure where you are from but in most states, there is a free health insruance program and w/ the panic and bipolar disorder, you may be eligible for disability if it keeps you from working.  What state do you live in?
Blood tests for aids/hiv is only a few days.  at least in the area I live.
It sounds like the past you have had is not a good one.  The abuse is hard.  I think you should talk to your therapist to see if they will work w/ you.
Also, if you are really having a hard time, you could get admitted to a hospital and they can run tests, etc.
I relate w/ you for the panic and ocd - it seems I'm always scared about something.  I need constant reassurance about things.
Keep yourself invested in self help books too and keeping informed about your conditions on the internet.  Anxiety is very hard to live with and then to add the abuse you went through must be very difficult.
Good luck.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 11/26/2007 7:20 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm from England so it hink things might be slightly different these ways. I think you are right though, i should probably talk to my doctor about all this, i'm just really scared of what she will think i suppose.
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