I have just turned 20. As you may know from my other posts, i have been suffering from anxiety, depression and panic disorder over the past year and became agraphobic for about
6 months. I am on quite a lot of prozac and am starting to get my life back, but i am still very troubled with OCD. I don't know if these symptoms are actually ocd related, because my therapist and doctor only touched on it with me, as panic disorder was the main problem i talked about
, because it stopped me functioning altogether.
I get these times, well pretty much all the time every day to be honest, where i feel like i need to pray or bad things will happen. I have a kind of set prayer that consists of things i feel are important at the time, and i kind of recite it i my head, and if it do it wrong or get distracted, i have to start again. Trouble is, the more i try not to get it wrong, the more stressed and anxcious i get, and then as a result, i get it wrong and have to start again. Then sometimes i just can't do it right because i'm trying too hard, and i actually have to go somewhere quiet and do it out loud.
Then it gets worse, i feel like i can't pray infront of any reflective surfaces because the prayer will be reversed and i will be praying to evil instead. I can tell myself or be told that this is just stupid, but it doesn't matter, its completely beyond my controll.
My head feels FULL to the brim with thoughts, but its more like just noise, and when i lay in bed and try to sleep, it can feel so hard to shut down.
My dad died very unexpectedly in July, and then just this week my friend from my old school died. She was only 19, i can't actually belive she is gone, she was always a wonderful friend to me. I don't know what to do. I feel like if i do anything at all bad, i will get punished. I am a bisexual male, so even when i see a male as attractive, i feel i imedietly have to ask for forgiveness. I need someone to step inside my head and direct the traffic.
I don't know what i am trying to get out of this, i think i just needed to vent, i don;t think i can really talk to anyone about this here, I'm not sure they understand or know how serious its getting. I don't want to see my therapist again. I just want religion to be a comfort to me, like i know it can be for other people. I feel relationships with God to be very important, but i feel like mental illness is ruining mine.