first, allow me to apologize for what i know will turn into a lengthy post. well i've always struggled with depression and anxiety, but i had been able to avoid letting it really affect my day to day to life out in the world. i had been a hard worker who took pride in doing a better than expected job on everything. i always liked working actually. after i graduated from college last year, i wasn't too excited to be leaving my college life of beer and sleeping in while living with my 7 best friends, but i thought i would do more than ok in the real world. my best friend and i moved to new york city from our school in rural ohio to conquer the city, sex and the city style. (don't worry, we didn't really think it would be that easy) so we spent a year broke and working zero recognition jobs, but we had fun. i started to get more depressed than usual, i think just from the dragging workdays in a job that i really hated. she would get frustrated and just kind of say to snap out of it. having no one else in the city really, i just kind of internalized everything whereas i would normally try to talk it out. i got a promotion at work to be an assistant to one of the founding partners of the law firm, who was infamous for his temper. he could be the sweetest guy in the world, then snap and tear you a new one out of nowhere. i started losing more and more sleep and being so anxious in the mornings before work that i would have to lay down with a stomachache, and of course that would cause me to run late. i started screwing up at work, and when i would discover it, i became so scared of it coming out in the open that i would just ignore it. it would be on my mind all day, but i just couldn't get myself to fix it.
after a year in the city, my best friend left, because the city was too expensive for her. with my promotion, i decided to stay, and to have a go at life on my own, since i had always had a big group of friends my whole life. i wanted to make it on my own in the big city and figure myself out, i guess. after being on my own for a few months, i decided that my miserable job wasn't worth it. since i was living in new york, i should be taking advantage of the artistic opportunities here, since they aren't easy to get anywhere else. so i did. i took a pay cut and got a job with a really small interior design firm, where we wear whatever we want and listen to music all day. i thought i was on the track to happiness, finally! i really liked it for a while. but i started to realize that all of my friends i had left in the city were from my old job, and our normal nights of hanging out would occur after we all spent a long day at the office together. now, i work with 3 married women, all at least 12 years older than me. they don't talk much other than about technical design stuff that i feel too uneducated to comment on. and i know that i'm not uneducated. interior design was always one of my passions. it's what i wanted to do with my life. but i soon figured out that i don't know much about it all. so now i spend my days quiet and my nights and weekends at home by myself, and broke broke broke. i told myself that the paycut was worth it, but i can't even make ends meet anymore. the hours really don't allow a second job either. and in new york, if you want to bartend or wait tables, you better start by washing dishes. my anxiety at work is really starting to affect my performance. i can't concentrate or make decisions. i get panicky at the thought of even making phone calls. i've never been so depressed or anxious in all my life. i feel terrible because the ladies are really nice and i know they like me, but i just feel like i'm stuck and can't get out. i can't afford to go to a doctor for it right now either.
so really my dilemma is whether i should stay and stick it out, when i know that things are getting worse by the day, or if i should call it quits for now and move home with parents, where i could save up money to get myself out of debt and be around people who love me and get the support i desperately crave right now. i know my parents want me to come home, and so do i, but i've never been a quitter. i feel like i would be failure, crawling back home to mom and dad, battered and defeated. but everyday here is feeling like an eternity. the anxiety of thinking about this all day is just adding to everything else!
any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.