finding it tough to do my job...really long post but i am begging for advice!

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/19/2007 1:45 AM (GMT -6)   
first, allow me to apologize for what i know will turn into a lengthy post. well i've always struggled with depression and anxiety, but i had been able to avoid letting it really affect my day to day to life out in the world. i had been a hard worker who took pride in doing a better than expected job on everything. i always liked working actually. after i graduated from college last year, i wasn't too excited to be leaving my college life of beer and sleeping in while living with my 7 best friends, but i thought i would do more than ok in the real world. my best friend and i moved to new york city from our school in rural ohio to conquer the city, sex and the city style. (don't worry, we didn't really think it would be that easy) so we spent a year broke and working zero recognition jobs, but we had fun. i started to get more depressed than usual, i think just from the dragging workdays in a job that i really hated. she would get frustrated and just kind of say to snap out of it. having no one else in the city really, i just kind of internalized everything whereas i would normally try to talk it out. i got a promotion at work to be an assistant to one of the founding partners of the law firm, who was infamous for his temper. he could be the sweetest guy in the world, then snap and tear you a new one out of nowhere. i started losing more and more sleep and being so anxious in the mornings before work that i would have to lay down with a stomachache, and of course that would cause me to run late. i started screwing up at work, and when i would discover it, i became so scared of it coming out in the open that i would just ignore it. it would be on my mind all day, but i just couldn't get myself to fix it.
after a year in the city, my best friend left, because the city was too expensive for her. with my promotion, i decided to stay, and to have a go at life on my own, since i had always had a big group of friends my whole life. i wanted to make it on my own in the big city and figure myself out, i guess. after being on my own for a few months, i decided that my miserable job wasn't worth it. since i was living in new york, i should be taking advantage of the artistic opportunities here, since they aren't easy to get anywhere else. so i did. i took a pay cut and got a job with a really small interior design firm, where we wear whatever we want and listen to music all day. i thought i was on the track to happiness, finally! i really liked it for a while. but i started to realize that all of my friends i had left in the city were from my old job, and our normal nights of hanging out would occur after we all spent a long day at the office together. now, i work with 3 married women, all at least 12 years older than me. they don't talk much other than about technical design stuff that i feel too uneducated to comment on. and i know that i'm not uneducated. interior design was always one of my passions. it's what i wanted to do with my life. but i soon figured out that i don't know much about it all. so now i spend my days quiet and my nights and weekends at home by myself, and broke broke broke. i told myself that the paycut was worth it, but i can't even make ends meet anymore. the hours really don't allow a second job either. and in new york, if you want to bartend or wait tables, you better start by washing dishes. my anxiety at work is really starting to affect my performance. i can't concentrate or make decisions. i get panicky at the thought of even making phone calls. i've never been so depressed or anxious in all my life. i feel terrible because the ladies are really nice and i know they like me, but i just feel like i'm stuck and can't get out. i can't afford to go to a doctor for it right now either.
so really my dilemma is whether i should stay and stick it out, when i know that things are getting worse by the day, or if i should call it quits for now and move home with parents, where i could save up money to get myself out of debt and be around people who love me and get the support i desperately crave right now. i know my parents want me to come home, and so do i, but i've never been a quitter. i feel like i would be failure, crawling back home to mom and dad, battered and defeated. but everyday here is feeling like an eternity. the anxiety of thinking about this all day is just adding to everything else!
any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/19/2007 3:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cait,
I read your post a few times through and I feel so much empathy for you and what you're going through.  It's such a tough thing to do, moving away from your friends and loved ones, especially for those of us who are used to having a solid and extensive support network close by.  I recently moved from Australia to Canada to be with my partner and my anxiety went through the roof.  I spend most of my days alone, and at the moment my bf is working out of town so I'm alone in the evenings as well.  I too have often wondered whether I should just give up and go home again, where I know I'd feel comfortable and supported again, but I think that would be letting the anxiety get the better of me.  I received some very good advice a couple of days ago which was to try and do something a little different and a little challenging every day (nothing major at all, for me it was just getting my groceries from a different store or going somewhere I've never been before - just really simple stuff) as a way of creating more comfort zones for yourself.  I also try to come up with at least one new thing every day that I enjoy about living here.  I know it sounds silly, but you never know, it could be worth a try, right?  I guess the bottom line though is that it takes a good while to get used to a completely new life, new people, new working environments - new everything really - and that you have to allow yourself time to go through the motions.  This is only my humble opinion though, and if you feel like you need to go home and be around people that love you, by all means you should go home and surround yourself with the support that you need and let yourself heal and feel better again.   Please don't feel as though you would be a failure by going home - taking the step to give it a go and "conquer" the city in the first place takes a huge amount of courage in itself.  Acknowledging that it wasn't right for you at this time in your life is smart and sensible - not weak!
I really wish I could offer you some more solid advice on what to do in your situation, and I hope I didn't sound preachy at all but the best I can do is tell you that I and I'm sure many others on here understand just where you're coming from and really do feel for you. 
Please take care of yourself.
lou lu

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/19/2007 3:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, I am Kitt and I would like to welcome you to Healing Well on behalf of all of the members here in the A & P forum.
I read your post twice.  I am sorry that you are feeling so down but please remember it is okay to change your mind.  You have given New York your best shot at this time.  You are not a failure, your just very unhappy and I would vote for home and be on the next plane, train or automobile on my way to Ohio.
I have changed my mind on jobs more than once.  I have been told you should give a job a year to feel comfortable but sometimes you know if the job and you are not a good fit.
Take your time when looking at positions the next time you go job hunting.  You do not have to take a position just because it is offered.  Make sure you take care of yourself.................perhaps after you get back home you will find your depression will ease.  If not try to get some counseling.
Remember nothing stays the same forever.  I so agree with you school was fun, but eventually you have to move on. 
No  more beating yourself up and hey, try talking to the ladies you work with, they may have some good advice.  Life experiences are often the best teachers.
I hope you keep posting as we are here for you and want to see you happy. 
Again a very warm welcome to you.

Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~

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