But am also way to hurt and going downhill not to have someone read. So I am using this board again to vent my feelings. I knew me feeling good was too good to be true. Here I go again....But
I called my mom Easter morning,during the middle of the conversation she got really nasty. I was telling her about my job interviews that was coming up and said "something has to come through as this is so depressing and I am so tired of being frustrated" Her reply was "well I will tell you this...if things do not work out down there you can not come here because I do not want you". I was stunned. Now keep in mind I left home at the age of 16 to never go back because of mental and physical abuse from her and her ex boyfriend.
I got married and then at the age of 18 had my daughter. I only started going downhill 2 years ago as far as a job...when I left my ex--husband the kids and I moved in with her for about 3 weeks until I could get some things straight. During that time, I kept her house cleaned,bought all of the groceries so we did not live off of her.
My brother lived with her until a year ago off and on. He is 30.
So,after letting my brain take over these past couple of days I wrote a letter to her last night,almost sent it via email. But chickened out.
I need to "send" it persay so I am going to post it here.........
Mom
I have a few things to say to you
When you said to me that I could not come and live with you, that you did not want me if anything happened here, it broke my heart. Not because there is anything wrong here. In fact I love him more than I have loved any man in my life.
BUT…
I do not know what I did to you that deserves that. I know that I have screwed up in my life. I know that I have not made the right choices. But one thing I do know is that I tried to be a good person.
I did my best with taking care of my brother. I tried to make sure he had dinner, that he had his homework done ect. But I was so young.
I tried to cover his ears at night when you came home with those different men.
I am not a bad person.
I know I am going through a hard part of life
BUT…
I was beat
I was raped.
I deserve to go through a hard part of life
I deserve to be confused and try to find my way.
I deserve to be loved no matter what I do wrong.
I out of any person in the world deserve to be loved.
I only told you a little bit of what happened to me, mostly because I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I fell for what a horrible person said. But I was only 12.
I was a baby still
But I had to grow up fast. He taught me that.
And quite frankly, YOU put me there.
You made me go there. You are the one that did not see the changes in a 12 year old like you should have. A little girl that went from a small town, to running away, talking back, doing drugs…what was wrong with that little girl?
Let me tell you what was wrong…
A man, came into my life…One that my mother trusted. One that my mother took me to every weekend. He at first bought me and my brother lots of things; school clothes, toys, took us fishing and camping. He took us to church.
I thought he was the father that I never had
But one day it changed.
It started by him touching me. Watching ****o movies while I was in the room .
Him forcing himself on me by perfoming oral sex on me.
He told me that if I ever told anyone that he would do the same to my little brother that was lying in the next bed,and that he would kill my mom. I believed every word he said. I figured that if he could do what he was doing to me,that he could do horrible things to anyone and I loved my family so much that there was no way I was telling anyone.,
Then it was the drugs. He had pot,cocaine,and acid whenever I needed it. Which turned out to be needed all of the time
At the age of 13 he took me to Gray”s lake and raped me. I rememeber screaming so loud. It was the most horrible pain I had ever felt; I screamed for YOU YOU YOU
But YOU did not come
I tried to keep my best friend away from him but I know that he got to her.
I know that being a mom that if my daughter would have changed that much
Would have been a different person
I would have known
I would have known that something was not right
You always tell me to see a counsler
Well this is my counsler
I am telling you after all of these years,what he did to me
What I can never forgive you for
What I think you should have known and seen
I remember ALWAYS being in your way, always feeling like I was out of place
Why didn’t you let them just adopt me? Why did you lie to my brother about that?
I am done letting people bring me down
I have lived 36 years with being brought down. And I am not doing that anymore
I have too much anger towards you
Too many nightmares that I have to live again and again. Something you could never imagine
I lived through 13 years with a man that hit me whenever he wanted. Why??????
Because I did not think I deserved better.
I took it
Shut my mouth
Just like I was used to doing
NO MORE
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
i'm sorry about the unfourtinate events you had to go through in your life, this reminds me of some of the stuff i see on opera show, thankyou for sharing your story
To be or not to Be
To be or not to Be
Shynsassy, You are so courageous for writing that letter. I am proud of you for that and wish I had that in me to do. The one person in this world you are supposed to be able to trust and love without boundaries is your mother. We are always here for you....
(((hugs)))
Hi Shy,
I don't know what to say, to read such a story, I haven't the words to describe it, and i don't think i would want to have the words to describe how it made me feel, But there is something quite beautiful in what you wrote, You, and really i can't describe that either,
For me, that is the most powerful mixture of words i have ever read,
Theres no amount of sorries that will bring back those years lost, and replace the hurt, but i feel the heart and spirit in you, that which all this ugliness was meant to spoil, is beginning to find it's light, and a powerful light it will be,
As for your Mum, Only you can decide on that future, but i think you know, but sometimes forgiveness is best left to God, however you may see God,
I don't know what to say, to read such a story, I haven't the words to describe it, and i don't think i would want to have the words to describe how it made me feel, But there is something quite beautiful in what you wrote, You, and really i can't describe that either,
For me, that is the most powerful mixture of words i have ever read,
Theres no amount of sorries that will bring back those years lost, and replace the hurt, but i feel the heart and spirit in you, that which all this ugliness was meant to spoil, is beginning to find it's light, and a powerful light it will be,
As for your Mum, Only you can decide on that future, but i think you know, but sometimes forgiveness is best left to God, however you may see God,
Hi Shy, I am so sorry that you had to endure that for so many years. There is nothing you should feel guilty for, you were a child. I agree with BL that you wrote the letter quite well and it makes me hurt to think about it. It also brings back some bad memories, but thats ok, we have to remember to be able to get rid of them. I really feel for you with your mother the way she is, its hard to think that the one person that should do anything for you doesnt love you as they should. Rape takes forever to recover from, if you can. But, you have support here, and i also agree with the fact that you have heart and spirit, and you will make it through this with flying colors. I wish i had your courage, in just writing the letter.......you did well. God Bless you and keep you safe. My thoughts will be with you, i wish there was more i could do. HUGS
Shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy
Shell
" Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now, in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed."
Eileen Caddy
Shy.......I am so sorry ........we are here for you ........God Bless,,,,,Lyn
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..Let that strong Spirit of yours be your guide...
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Out
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy,they are the charming gardens that make souls bloom.........Lyn
Thank you all. I am putting the letter in a safe folder. I think just posting it on here has helped alot. Although it did start the nightmares again. But,I have kept everything hidden from everyone for so many years,and I think that in order to heal and be a better person I need to stop hiding persay. I do feel I have a great support system which is something I have never had before. I try not to be the person that wants everyone to feel sorry for them due to what their past is. I have made it a point in my life to stand tall at least. But by doing that I also feel fake as no one really knows the true me.
It is a big start for me to post all of this on here,and reliving it is hard but I know it is something I have to do in order to heal.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
It is a big start for me to post all of this on here,and reliving it is hard but I know it is something I have to do in order to heal.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Ok
so I think I have figured out why I am too scared to send this letter. I do not want to make my mom cry.
I want to kick myself as I know that she has made me cry several times without caring,but then I keep going into too the "she is my mom no matter what" Again I worry about everyone else expect for myself.
I also think that writing a letter to the people that turned their backs on me at that time. But,I also am worried about doing it out of revenge. I am not a revengful person (although I know I have every right to be)
Maybe I should just write a book. It would be depressing and hard to write,but then I could send a copy to each person that either hurt me or turned their backs on me. Hmmmmmmmm
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
so I think I have figured out why I am too scared to send this letter. I do not want to make my mom cry.
I want to kick myself as I know that she has made me cry several times without caring,but then I keep going into too the "she is my mom no matter what" Again I worry about everyone else expect for myself.
I also think that writing a letter to the people that turned their backs on me at that time. But,I also am worried about doing it out of revenge. I am not a revengful person (although I know I have every right to be)
Maybe I should just write a book. It would be depressing and hard to write,but then I could send a copy to each person that either hurt me or turned their backs on me. Hmmmmmmmm
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Hi Shyn, It took a lot of courage for you to write that letter, no matter if you send it or not. You got it out and that is what is the most important.
You know, I was sexually abused by my stepfather from the ages of 3 to 11. To even type it makes me sick to my stomach. My mom didnt know what was happening as he said he would kill her and us, meaning my little brother and I. My brother ended up telling the school counselor and she called the police one day at school. We never saw him again. We were taken away for 2 weeks until DFS determined that mom really didnt have anything to do with it and didnt know. Stepfather went to jail but ended up getting a very good lawyer and got himself to psych hospital in St.Joe MO. Judge sentenced him to 6 months in hospital and 6 years probation. Yet I got a life sentence! He had to register as a sex offender but they didnt have the laws that they do now, so it was only for 10 yrs. This happened back in 1985. After he got out of the hospital he hooked up with a women that was a mutual friend of him of my mom's (she know what had happened but didnt believe it) they got married. She also had a little girl I am not sure how old she was though. He ended up molesting her too. And is once again on Kansas City's Sex Offender Registry. He is still married to this women..... and lives 3 miles from my grandma. I have forgiven myself and stopped blaming myself for what happened to me as it wasnt my fault. But I dont know how to forgive him, I dont think I will ever be able to, I have too much rage. I cant talk to my mom about it as she carries alot of guilt for bring him into our lives.
Anyway, I rambled way too much sorry....I wanted to tell you my story. Your not alone. I wrote a letter a few months ago to him on my computer but it made me sick to think of it on there and had to delete it.
ways to help support healing well:
Elisha
I think you were very brave to be able to tell someone about it. I know the laws back then were so horrible.It makes me sick that they had him behind bars at one time but then let him out again!!
I never got the courage to turn him in. I still worry and wonder if he hurt another little girl. I can almost bet he did. And I can almost bet that I was not his first.
Men like that should never see the light of any day. And you are right,you got the life sentence. They get to go to sleep every night without the nightmares.
My only hope is that one day they will wake up with a panic attack for thinking about what they did,and never be able to get over it.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
I think you were very brave to be able to tell someone about it. I know the laws back then were so horrible.It makes me sick that they had him behind bars at one time but then let him out again!!
I never got the courage to turn him in. I still worry and wonder if he hurt another little girl. I can almost bet he did. And I can almost bet that I was not his first.
Men like that should never see the light of any day. And you are right,you got the life sentence. They get to go to sleep every night without the nightmares.
My only hope is that one day they will wake up with a panic attack for thinking about what they did,and never be able to get over it.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Hi Shy and Elisha,
First, Shy, Why not write a book, I've read a couple on this topic and what you put in your letter was more powerful than all of those, it may be hard to write and it may be depressing, but its a truth that needs to be told and told again, and Men need to read this stuff,
These people deserve a punishment that fits the crime, and more, and our Governments seriously need to act on these people, deter these people from acting on their urges in the first place, it may be harsh but, i for one have no sympathy and i'd hang the lot of them, life for life
Elisha, i feel the same when i use to write my stuff down, then i decided to burn it, kind of symbolic, but theres a gleeful feeling in thinking the person responsible is burning or is going to burn too,
Love you both, you're great people, and very capable Women
First, Shy, Why not write a book, I've read a couple on this topic and what you put in your letter was more powerful than all of those, it may be hard to write and it may be depressing, but its a truth that needs to be told and told again, and Men need to read this stuff,
These people deserve a punishment that fits the crime, and more, and our Governments seriously need to act on these people, deter these people from acting on their urges in the first place, it may be harsh but, i for one have no sympathy and i'd hang the lot of them, life for life
Elisha, i feel the same when i use to write my stuff down, then i decided to burn it, kind of symbolic, but theres a gleeful feeling in thinking the person responsible is burning or is going to burn too,
Love you both, you're great people, and very capable Women
Shy, You are so right, men like that do repeat their crimes without a second thought. They have no remorse for what they are doing or what they have done or destroyed. I dont believe that our laws will ever in my live time at least come up with a punishment fit enuf for a child sex offender. You watch the news and see it all over the place these men being out on parole early and repeating their crimes against children or not even registering. The one thing that does give me peace with it all is that one day he will have to answer for his crimes unfortuantely, it wont be in this lifetime.
brownleaf, Thank you for that...I am glad to know I am not the only one who has written something then felt that overwhelming need to destroy it. As if that just wipes it all away...wouldn't that be nice 
.. Funny thing is that now after all these years I can honestly say that my past has made me who I am, what I am and a strong women because of it.
ways to help support healing well:
Elisha, thats exactly the way to do it, and i think i can see that in Shy as well, a light will always find a way through the darkness, and it's those lights that make a difference
I will say that they are getting harsher on the crimes. about time that is for sure.
I wanted to add another thing on my healing process.. I have a hard time going to church now. I used to believe with all of my heart,but while being molested he actually made me get on my knees and pray for forgiveness. Basically making me think I had done something wrong. Then I became angry thinking God was never there for me when I really needed him.
Anyway,my boyfriend's mother is always on me about going to church. The last time I went I had to do breathing excersises the entire time as I felt the panic attack coming on. I do not feel the need to go into with her about why I do not want to attend. But telling her no all of the time just irrates the heck out of me.
My boyfriend understands now (when I had my last meltdown with the whole letter deal I pretty much spilled my guts to him) and has told me that he will tell his mom to just knock it off. But I do not want to cause problems and hurt feelings. I know in her mind she is just trying to "save me". Their family likes to gossip quite a bit,and I do not want them gossiping about my past. I am sure they already know more than what I want them too though.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
I wanted to add another thing on my healing process.. I have a hard time going to church now. I used to believe with all of my heart,but while being molested he actually made me get on my knees and pray for forgiveness. Basically making me think I had done something wrong. Then I became angry thinking God was never there for me when I really needed him.
Anyway,my boyfriend's mother is always on me about going to church. The last time I went I had to do breathing excersises the entire time as I felt the panic attack coming on. I do not feel the need to go into with her about why I do not want to attend. But telling her no all of the time just irrates the heck out of me.
My boyfriend understands now (when I had my last meltdown with the whole letter deal I pretty much spilled my guts to him) and has told me that he will tell his mom to just knock it off. But I do not want to cause problems and hurt feelings. I know in her mind she is just trying to "save me". Their family likes to gossip quite a bit,and I do not want them gossiping about my past. I am sure they already know more than what I want them too though.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Yeah, they are getting harsher on the crimes then they used to be that is for sure. about a year ago I started to get interested in all the bills that are being presented in the senate, especially the ones on sex offenders. I spend a lot of my free time writing to senators/legislators and governors trying to support and get passed tougher penalties for any kind of sex crime but especially those against children. It has really helped me feel like I am doing something to help, and in that I think I have healed a little.
What that person (I dont think you can label him a man) did to you Shyn, was the worst kind of crime. He took away your dignity, innocence, youth, and pretty much shattered everything that you believe in. When someone goes through something as traumatic as this they have to find their own peace, and their own way of being able to live in their skin, body and mind. You dont need to have someone pushing you into something that makes you uncomfortable. Religion is such a personal decision and choice, I have always found it very difficult to be around people that feel the need to convert or push religion on others. I am Catholic, grew up in an all Italian family who is strict Roman Catholic. I am the only one who doesnt go to mass regularly as I do have issues with it. My family respects that, well except for grandma but she is old and worries about my soul...lol. Hopefully your boyfriend will be able to talk to his mother about this without reveling the whys. It is personal and you shouldnt have to tell her why it makes you uncomfortable.
ways to help support healing well:
I agree,and he has decided that if she does bring it up again that he is just going to tell her to back off.
They have always griped at him to go to church also,and he has went just to keep them happy.Which I think is a waste as you should be there because you want to and feel comfortable about it. Otherwise what is the purpose?
Don't get be wrong,she is a great person. I would love to have her as a mom and think her kids are very lucky (and have told them just that). Sometimes I think it is their way of showing that they care.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
They have always griped at him to go to church also,and he has went just to keep them happy.Which I think is a waste as you should be there because you want to and feel comfortable about it. Otherwise what is the purpose?
Don't get be wrong,she is a great person. I would love to have her as a mom and think her kids are very lucky (and have told them just that). Sometimes I think it is their way of showing that they care.
shynsassy@healingwell.net
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Hi Shy,
Brought a tear to me eye reading your story, but I hope it helped writing it all down and knowing there are others that know what happened and you're not carrying it all yourself.
My boyfriend had a very bad child hood, a father who beat him and his mum. After he left his mum had boyfriend after boyfriend leaving him in the house to fend for himself, no food in the cupboards or clean clothes.
His mum passed away 3 years ago, now it eats him up that he has so many things he wants to say to her and can't, then feels guilty for it. She was probably oblivious to the affect her party lifestyle was having (and still does) on him. After she passed away he found out at the funeral that she had 2 children before him and now he carries all this anger around with him. It's left him a very mistrusting view of women which is hard work for me at times.
It proves that we are not on this earth very long and so if there's anything tha needs saying its best to say them (good or bad) so we don't have to keep them with us forever.
Good on you for writing that post
Lyndsey x
'We all have a cross to bare, it's how we carry it that counts'
Brought a tear to me eye reading your story, but I hope it helped writing it all down and knowing there are others that know what happened and you're not carrying it all yourself.
My boyfriend had a very bad child hood, a father who beat him and his mum. After he left his mum had boyfriend after boyfriend leaving him in the house to fend for himself, no food in the cupboards or clean clothes.
His mum passed away 3 years ago, now it eats him up that he has so many things he wants to say to her and can't, then feels guilty for it. She was probably oblivious to the affect her party lifestyle was having (and still does) on him. After she passed away he found out at the funeral that she had 2 children before him and now he carries all this anger around with him. It's left him a very mistrusting view of women which is hard work for me at times.
It proves that we are not on this earth very long and so if there's anything tha needs saying its best to say them (good or bad) so we don't have to keep them with us forever.
Good on you for writing that post
Lyndsey x
'We all have a cross to bare, it's how we carry it that counts'
Hi Shy and Elisha,
I'm so proud of both of you to be able to verbalize what horror you both went through as children. By doing so, you have brought the ugly secrets out into the light and recongized them for what they were, abuse. By telling someone, you no longer are hidden in shame or fear. By all means, you both should seek out a support group, who can understand you. Forget trying to get this message across to your relatives. They weren't there to help you when you needed it most, and probably can't or won't now. Keep on posting here, as there is always someone to listen when you need to vent. By all means, contact your local women's services who can help you out in anyway needed, from physical needs to emotional ones. This was something that perpetrated by my deceased step-grandfather. Luckily, my sister and I were too young to get caught in his trap, but several of my cousins weren't so lucky. He's been dead and buried a long time, but it wasn't until recently that my cousins started comparing notes and we realize that he was a full-blown child molester. I'm sure my grandmother never knew, it was a different time back then. I pray every day for those who weren't so lucky, and I am blessed that my father is such a kind and gentle man.
I'm so proud of both of you to be able to verbalize what horror you both went through as children. By doing so, you have brought the ugly secrets out into the light and recongized them for what they were, abuse. By telling someone, you no longer are hidden in shame or fear. By all means, you both should seek out a support group, who can understand you. Forget trying to get this message across to your relatives. They weren't there to help you when you needed it most, and probably can't or won't now. Keep on posting here, as there is always someone to listen when you need to vent. By all means, contact your local women's services who can help you out in anyway needed, from physical needs to emotional ones. This was something that perpetrated by my deceased step-grandfather. Luckily, my sister and I were too young to get caught in his trap, but several of my cousins weren't so lucky. He's been dead and buried a long time, but it wasn't until recently that my cousins started comparing notes and we realize that he was a full-blown child molester. I'm sure my grandmother never knew, it was a different time back then. I pray every day for those who weren't so lucky, and I am blessed that my father is such a kind and gentle man.
Please take care of yourselves and keep us updated.
Leigh Ann 
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
- Jimmy Buffett
Leigh Ann, Thank you so much for your kind words. I have thought of a support group but I still have trouble discussing it with my therapist in private. It's been over 20 years and I still cant seem to overcome the psychological effects this had on me. There are things, terrible things that I have not ever spoken of or written, they just wont come out. I am afraid that if they did they would be violent, ugly and destructive. So I sit here keeping very tight control on my emotions and thoughts. My mom wants to understand and wants me to talk to her about it but I feel guilty and dont want to hurt her as I know she blames herself for it happening. So it really isnt her not trying to understand, its me.
Hello shynsassy,
I have been reading your story on this forum... your book is already started and I am looking forward to the next post to continue reading! The names you pick for your new topics create enough curiosity that people want to check it out!! You could write a book with just your posts from the forum and the replies!!(w/ permission of all involved) If you added more personal stories it would be even that much better!
You have come along way! I do not even know how to comprehend your pain... I was lucky to have my mom until I was about 28! I miss her everyday! The hardest thing is that she is not here for her grandkids because she was such an smart lady! She was my internet before the WEB!!! I am so sorry your mom has not been able to be there for you. 
xox Karen in north Idaho