Hi I'm new, and I think I need help.

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 1:58am

First of all, I am not great in english so don't judge it =)..

I'm 14, and I am having emotinal problems which I need to know what it is exactly, I've been having it when I was 10, I have been sad, so sad.

And I don't have self-confidence. I get really hurt easily, like if someone said cruel thing to me, I might just cry...My bonding with my family is not strong, but thats not the real issue here...I feel lonely all the time, lost in the dark, and no light to lead me to the right path, I don't have truthful friends, because the all lie to me, and I have been experincing other people reacts, like if they truthfully meant it or not..And most people say things to me that they don't truthfuly mean it and that hurts, I like to play games, I like to Playstation, you might think that I am guy at this point, but I am not, I'm a girl...Well, anyways, I feel so stressed I feel like my mum nor my dad trust me...When I was 10, I was transferred to a new school, which I guess affected me at my friendship part, because there the class mates were fighting with me kinda all the time, but the next year I transferred to other school, and the school I went to was full of people from outside the country, but they are not really my friends, and I'm not sure if you could even call them that, most of the break times, I sit lonely or with lieing friends or my twin, my twin is a really great part of my life, and I don't have faith in myself, I always think that I am faliure, and I am worthless, and I always think about how great the world would be if I just die, I do think of death, and I do think its the best solution I've got, because there is no others.

I think my parents have the greatest influnce on the feelings I have right now, I think that they dont trust me, and I've sent signs that I'm sad, but they just don't notice and don't care, and I've told my mom that time that I thinking of killing mysef, but she didn't take seriously, and I told her I want to go to a therpiest(sp), she said okay, but that "okay" will never happen, it just hurts me to see people don't notice...

My school transferring has been really hard on me And I can't just get out of the internet, because its my only friend that I've got right now..And I do have some good news, Summer vaction started at 27.5.06 and I passed to grade 10(In my country grade 10 is where high school starts) and I don't sleep well at all! I sleep too little durning the school days..But vacation is here I could stay awake, and I am so happy that the summer is here, because its giving me a break from school, and I really hated grade 6,7,8,9...I wish one day that I would have a truthful friend, but that seem so hard to get these days..

If you're going to suggest me talking with my mom, its not gonna work.

If you're going to suggest me going to the Doctor, thats not gonna work either.

If you're going to suggest me to take medicens, well, umm..

I'm sorry for the long writing, and by the way, I was really not comfortable writing this on public at all, but as long my mom doesn't know, well I guess it worth a try...And I hope its going to help me if just a little...I really want to get my hopes so high and have faith on me...But in deep inside of me I just know it wont happen...

Post Edited (blackxwind) : 6/2/2006 3:27:22 AM (GMT-6)

janetlee · June 2, 2006, 5:52am

Hi!
I don't know what country you are from, but in the United States where I'm from, schools have what are called "guidance counselors". They are there to help students in many ways. They can help them sort out problems with classes, guide students in future career goals, and also help them deal with emotional issues. If your school has a guidance counselor, take advantage of that! Even if not, talk to a trusted teacher about how you're feeling. The teacher might be able to help you talk to your parents. And maybe you could try to talk to your Mom again. But you are going to have to sit her down and look at her face-to-face. She needs to see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice just how seriously you need help. Sometimes you have to MAKE them listen. People without depression often have a very hard time grasping how bad it can make you feel. Perhaps you could try writing all your feelings down on paper and giving it to your Mom. In many countries, they have "crisis hotlines" or "suicide hotlines". These are phone numbers that you can call when you are feeling like killing yourself. The people that answer the phones are trained to help you know how to get help. They can direct you to resources that you may not be aware are available. Don't give up! And always remember that people are here on this board for you and think about the people that love you, like your twin. It would kill them if you were to hurt yourself! Let us know how you do! And your English was good! I can't speak any language except for English! You should be proud of yourself for being able to speak more than one language! :)
janet

I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 9:15am

Hey Janet thank you for the reply, and thank you for giving your time to read what I wrote, well, in my country there is no guidance counselors as far as I know. And even if there was I doubt that I will ever ask for thier help because I don't know them niether trust them. A teacher? Well I know your trying to help, but all the teachers I know aren't really friendly, and I auctally hate them.

I tried to talk to my mom many times and she say she will do something but she never does...And I don't want to open my heart to her for some reason...

Umm, this might be embrassing but I don't know if my country has "crisis hotlines" or "suicide hotlines".

brownleaf · June 2, 2006, 9:34am

Hi Blackxwind,
i am glad that you have come to HW,
Its difficult to help on what you could do, without knowing where you come from, I will suggest that you find an interest in something creative, but something you would like to learn or do, then go and learn it, you may be surprised that you meets some people doing this sort of stuff, and from my experience, many of these people who are creative souls, have little desire to judge you

There must be others who feel like you do, ok it may not get talked about in some cultures and countries, but i think if you were to search hard on the internet you would find someone, or an organisation that may be able to help you.

I gather you are in your teens, and that is always a difficult time, no matter where you are from, but you do change and what seemed difficult now will one day soon enough be something you can put behind you,

you are always welcome here, and helping others can do wonders for your confidence, and of course maybe make some friends too

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 9:46am

Hi brownleaf, thank you for the reply.
Well, I don't know if I could consider myself creative, I like to draw and these stuff...
I searched over the internet many times, I just can't find the right object.
And its really hard to fake a smile everyday, and really hard to get yourself noticed by your own family...Oh well..

And thank you for the welcoming

brownleaf · June 2, 2006, 11:44am

Hello again,
could you tell me where you are from, i will see if i can find something from where i am, we have a good network of various cultures and peoples, and i may be able to get some information for you where you are,

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 12:13pm

I am from United Arab Emarites

brownleaf · June 2, 2006, 12:41pm

I will see what i can do, no promises, but i will email a few places here,and see if i can get somewhere for you to contact, dont expect it over night, but i will reply soon as i get some info, if can find some, i do know of a group in Melbourne who may be able to suggest a course to follow

If you go to the control panel, and add alert your threads replies,

Can i ask why you say a doc cant help, and one other question for you, do you have a favorite Auntie, one who is wise and understanding, who won't betray your confidence

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 12:49pm

You are doing so much =D thank you =)
Yeah I did that..
Umm, I never been to anyone, I mean like to any Doctor, cause my mum wont take me, and I auctally hardly trust anyone, I am more like home stay person, I don't like to go out of the house...

els · June 2, 2006, 1:32pm

Hi blackxwind, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to healing well also. We are happy to have you. Janet and brownleaf have given you some wonderful suggestions and advice. I understand keeping your feelings guarded and not wanting to keep trying reach out to your family when they dont pay attention to what is happening with you. It also may have to be considered about culture and how your parents were raised. But what matters most is you and getting you the help you need. Please do consider sitting and writing a letter to your mother about your feelings, if talking to her doesnt help. Maybe if she sees it on paper in black in white it will sink in...hopefully. In the meantime, I will also lend my support with brown in finding some resources for you. Hang in there...

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

els · June 2, 2006, 1:38pm

Okay here are two International suicide hotlines I have found...I dont know if United Arab Emarites is covered here...but please let me know if they have helped or not. Okay? Take care

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 1:46pm

Hello Elisha, thank you for the welcoming.
From what I see, you guys are really helping me alot, and I never had this help before in my life, and you are giving me supporting reasons, that time, I talked to my mum how I felt like we are in seprate houses, it was an example that they don't even know me or whats going with me, only that onse my mum listened, but after that my dad came and started to tell me how am I doing bad at school and he always complains that they do everthing but we dont repay back, like umm, for example in school they pay for us and everything but we don't work hard and we don't listen to them, its just annoys me that they are the problem of that we are like this, I still don't know how can't they see it! It's so obvious but they always deny it. and refuse to admit it, and shows that we are the problem...

No matter what I have of emotinal problem I still think my mum wont give a darn, I told her I've been crying at nights, she just a bit cared, but as soon she thinks I'm healed from whatever I have and then she stopped caring...

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 1:48pm

Thank you Elisha I will check them out =)

brownleaf · June 2, 2006, 2:04pm

Hi Ya
I just had a look on the net to see if i could find anything, this is the best there was, you may want to contact the faculty of medicine and health about any programs and any info you may be able to get
http://www.fmhs.uaeu.ac.ae/Default.asp?p=l this the UAE faculty of medicine and health

This one seems a good choice but is being rebuilt, so keep a look out for this
Freedomhouse.org this is at present unavailable, but check, its for women with mental health issues

blackxwind · June 2, 2006, 2:34pm

Oh thanks brownleaf I hope it helps me =)

brownleaf · June 3, 2006, 2:38am

Hello Blackxwind

I found this site this morning, i think they may have some information that may help you, and also may be able to help you getting your message across to your Parents,

http://www.challenge.ae/sublinkspreview.asp?id=34&headid=10

Please let us know how you get on with these, as you never know, there may be someone else who needs this advice from your country

I m just wondering if you can make a phone call to your local Doctor and ask if they have any written information on depression and if they can suggest any crisis lines or other ways to get the help you need, if you have something like some reading material that your mum can read, about this, then she may respond to your cries,
I understand that in your country these issues are only beginning to surface, that makes it very difficult for you, but you are not the only one in your country suffering it, there seems to be a lot of youth ******** and while there is a lot of talk about addressing the issues little is being done,

maybe in the future this may be something that you can make use of, and help those like you, utilising the information you gather and making it accessable to others. and in the process you too will learn coping skills

I have a few emails sent out, so all i can do is wait and see if i get any replies

I will keep you informed of any replies i get or any other info, but do join us here, help when you can, join in our positive and happy Threads where we add songs and stories, have a few laughs, first we are people, and you have no need to feel anything other than welcome here

blackxwind · June 3, 2006, 7:48pm

The thing is, I am too coward to even call, like for example, if I want to call to order food, I don't, I just hesitate too much, I can't call my doctor, because I am too scared to do that, and I am not used to talk with phone too much.

Well, maybe my happy part could take some of my sadness part...And guess what? Today just because I haven't seen my parent much, my mum told me that if there is something wrong with me, and I told her that I don't want to talk...And I don't think that she would even care thats why I didn't talk, and yesterday I had a fight with my dad, they went out and he wanted to bring some food, and then he called to tell us what do we want, I told him I don't want from King Burger, but he sad to me I don't like the tone your speking with me(Althought I didn't even made one, I just talked normally, and the tone that was is in his head that it was like a crying a tone)Then I told him "You know what? I don't want anything, Bye" And then he recalled, I told my sister to speak to him because I didin't want to..Anyways after they came back, they brought food from the restaurent I want, but I didn't eat with them, I told him I don't want to, and he kept on telling did you want to eat from the restaurent?(in kinda shouting voice), I kinda raised my voice too, and I said: "I told you from the first place that I don't want food, so why did you bring for me?" and today I haven't even spoke to him...And niether he did, he always complains why do I ask so much all the time, and we ruin his life so much, I don't have to hear his shouts again, I wont have to ask him anything anymore, he wont spend money at me...It just hurts the way he treat me...

janetlee · June 3, 2006, 11:22pm

Blackxwind,
Your Dad does love you. I truly believe that. But I do believe that he just isn't able to understand what is wrong. Men can be especially ignorant about women's feelings and so they don't know how to cope with them. Just as you have never been a dad, he's never been a daughter and it makes it hard for you both to have good communication. Maybe your mom is afraid to admit that you are needing help. Perhaps she thinks that by ignoring it, your problem will go away. You really need to get your courage up and tell your mom that you want to go to the doctor. Let her take you. You must try to think of how sad your family would be if you harmed yourself. Although they may not tell you a lot, I believe that they really do love you. Your mom carried you within her womb for 9 months and cared for you. She has love for you in her heart. You are sadly going thru a very difficult time and they just don't seem to be able to understand how hard it is for you. Do you keep a journal or a diary? It can often help you feel better to write out your feelings on paper, even if you never share them with anyone else. Many girls have felt a lot like you do, but they kept on living their life one day at a time. You are growing up and becoming a woman. It makes it hard for you because your hormines are changing and that makes your emotions feel strange sometimes. please remember that you are loved and cared about. We care for you too!
janet

I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...

brownleaf · June 4, 2006, 2:29am

Hi Blackxwind,
Janet was kind to find these websites

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1120469512103&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor/CyberCounselingE/CyberCounselingE

http://www.islamonline.net/livedialogue/english/Browse.asp?hGuestID=GgicIn

Your Father is thinking as he was taught, and that can sometimes be so ingrained in the heart that everything else becomes a weed, but somewhere in that heart is a little light that will never go out, and youre that light, you need to find it, aand one way that will help is having a moment of courage to act for yourself, in the right direction, that first step to see a doctor will be difficult until the moment its done, then the fear will be gone, like it never existed

You have the potential to make a difference in your world, how you could turn this pain into making other Girls and Women in your country less afraid to ask for help, and have a place to find it, you certainly have a good intelligence and to waste your life, when you could make such a difference, isn't it sometimes the way life is, that who and what we become is the fruit of the pain that we grow with, like the seed bursting its shell and becoming a flower,
If you do this and make your Father proud, because he will be at the end, "but not at the beginning", then you will still get to break his heart, just in another way, and maybe he will find a greater joy that it was you that broke his heart in this more positive way.
turn your anger and hurt towards something positive as i suggested, and make an effort to use that anger to change it, and with the world of the internet, its not so hard anymore, in a couple of years you may find that you are smiling at this, and also what you may have changed,

Could you ask your sister to come with you to the Doctors or to make that phone call,
you can see we care, please dont break our hearts, we've all been where you are now, and i can say for myself the push through it was worth it all
Please take care and think carefully, and please Get some outside air, and notice nature and take ssome joy in that, let yourself

blackxwind · June 4, 2006, 11:12am

Well, I wont really make any comments except, that I see the world all in negative way, so everything in my way I see it dead, not really dead, I just don't have hope anymore, because I know whatever I achive for will never happen...I will never have my happy moments back, all I see my parents is lieing to me, and I am sick of my life of bieng built with lies over lies, from what I see the lies will never stop.
Its just hopeless...I make people run away from me, thats why I like to be alone, I don't want to face the commmunity out there because I am not fighter like they are all are...I might face a day but not a community, and I don't know how long it will take to break me down completely, in time my happy part will be gone, and I am not sure if I do have one...

So I lived with my father 14 years, and he always says that he loves me, but in the reality who does he really love? Himself? And he complians about how noisy we are..And I just keep thinking of "Did they think before having us?" I don't think so, every parent should responsible of thier acts because after that all they do is complain! and I am sick of it, when I was small like 4-5 I ran away from home(with my twin), because of jelousy(from a yonger sister) we didn't run away from home much, but in luck we found our farmer, so we went and talked and walked with him, and my mum was looking for us, so she found us and she auctally slaped us for running, and my twin hit her back, and she said:"never do this again", so I never did that again...But the reason is not for jelousy only but for attention, she never gave us the attention we needed, and never will..

Whenever I see what you guys have written, I just stare, speechless...I don't have the right responds, and I don't know how to seek for help, and brownleaf my bond with my sister is not strong and if I tell her all she will do is laugh at me...Oh well, I am to shy to call, I hesitate too much so there no hope, all I have to do is now to live with the pain I've got, and the internet is the only way to make me forget my depression..