I don't know where else to write this...

copusnc · February 1, 2006, 3:43am

I don't have many friends. I prefer it that way. I try to do all that I can for the few that I keep close by. But there are times, many days, where I feel they are too good to me. i don't understand why they keep me around. Sometimes i feel like I have to prove myself worthy of being in thier presence, worthy of being thier friend. And sometimes it just doesn't seem to happen.

Most friends can be mad at eachother and then be fine the next day. Not me. We can get into an argument, and they will be fine the next day, but the argument sticks with me longer, and I start feeling guilty for arguing, even if deep down I know I'm right and they are not. The more I feel guilty the more secluded from them I become. I don't distance myself from them to punish them, but instead do it to punish me. After a few days, I will have convinced myself that they are better off without me. I will not have answered thier call or gone to see them and I will have hidden and gone out of my way to avoid running into them because I am so ashamed of my behaivor. Usually it takes them forcing thier way into my anti-social world for me to realize that after the argument, everything is still normal and it's like the argument never even happened.

This is what I do not understand. How it is so easy for them to forgive and forget, when i cannot forgive myself for slightly raising of my voice two years ago instead of remaining calm. It is not like I lash out at them, call them vile things, throw things or hit them. My voice raises and it's heated discussion. Why can they just let it slip by and I can't? Why do I voice my side, and then feel ashamed at having gone against them in thought?

Why does it take so much re-assurance for me to realize that people can argue and still be okay afterwards? And why does it take me so long to remember that?

obs_Ann · February 1, 2006, 6:21am

Sounds like conditioned response to me.

I don't know how your childhood was or anything, but it sounds like ... if I had to guess ... that maybe you were used to 'major consequences' for things done wrong or that no matter what you did or didn't do, you've had some people leave you at some time.

If you expect to be left for normal interactions, and you "hide" yourself from these friends afterwards ... somewhere inside, you may be reasoning, that you better leave first, because they're going to leave you anyway ... so why wait to suffer that hurt ... leave first instead.

Some how, they don't see the conflicts you're talking about as that big of a deal, but for some reason you are ... so you must somehow be used to suffering consequences that outweigh the action or that were overboard or maybe not even merited in the first place.

I don't know personally, why you leave - they don't - why they don't see these conflicts as badly as you do ... but I can only guess, with what I've said above.

Too bad you don't feel the same way about yourself as your good friends do.

Maybe if you ask them ... they can help you to see what they see in you. Or ask them point-blank, why they stick around.

The fear of being "left", is a Biggie. Always easier to leave first or just not have as many people IN our lives, who could potentially leave us anyway.

And usually, our "opinions of ourselves" came about a long time ago, when we were too young to know any better or differently.

In the meantime, just be a friend to them, and try to take your eyes off of yourself, because when you look in 'that' direction ... chances are your 'vision' is a bit cloudy.

I've heard that some folks will actually start the fight, to get others to leave, because they've been left so many times already in their life, that they figure it's going to eventually happen anyway ... so we may as well hurry it along and not delay the agony.

You'll have to turn the clock back and figure where you got your self-image from.

Depending on how old you are or how long you've carried that self-potrait around with you ... give yourself some breathing room and see if by yourself and with your friends, if you can't get the paints back out and change that picture a bit. Or a lot.

And don't forget to put a nice sun up in the sky behind you.

Give yourself a hug from some of us here and Welcome to

Healing Well. We're trying to heal together. Glad you joined us.

Ann

Late Neuro-Lyme & CFIDS.

els · February 1, 2006, 2:43pm

Hi raige, Welcome to Healing well forum. I looks like you have received some very good advice so far. You will find lots of kind, caring people here willing help no matter what they may be going through in their everyday lives.

~elisha