I have no idea where my life is going

Diseases & Conditions Depression
1
I know I started the thread of survival. I feel like I am doing just that now. Just surviving.
I have big dreams. But it seems as though I can never even get close to achieving them.
I am at a dead end job. Nowhere to go in it.
My kids are creating their own lives. I know I will be a part of their lives,but it will be a small part.
My boyfriend says that he will not marry me due to my credit/his. My ex husband put us in bankruptcy about 7 years ago. I pay child support for my kids so they have decent health insurance. So of course that takes most of my bi-weekly paycheck.
He calls me a walking train wreck. If anything bad could happen to one person it will be me.
So,I am living with a man that will just be my boyfriend. Nothing more will ever come out of it.
My Grandparents still won't return my birthday/christmas cards and numerous letters. I called them yesterday and they basically told me they were too busy to talk to me. They are upset with my mom so of course since I am her daughter I will take the brunt of it. Like always. I am tired of being nice all of the time. I was a believer that you should treat people the way you want to be treated but everytime I turn around,no matter how nice I am I get the shaft. It seems as though I have always been someone that people feel the need to kick around when their lives get them down. I am just plain tired of "just surviving". I feel like my life is a waste,and always will be the way I am going.
I try to stay upbeat,but it is so hard.
I try to tell myself that I am better than this. That I deserve to have someone that loves me as much as I love them. It hurts me so much when my b/f tells me he will not marry be due to financial reasons. Because I would do anything for him. And I look past his faults and seem to find good in him. I do that with everyone.I look past their faults and try to find the good. And then it seems their faults are what pound me into the ground. When is enough going to be enough for me? Am I going to end up snapping and leaving him because I want more? And what would I do if I left? I do not make much money,how would I live?Should I just go the the ymca and rent a room?
I do not trust myself to be able to just "Survive". I am afraid that I will want more and then try to seek it out. But,then regret it when I realize AGAIN. That "more" is not something I am entitled to no matter how good of a person I try to be.

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Post Edited (ShynSassy) : 7/28/2006 6:01:12 AM (GMT-6)

2
Hi Shy,

Your post really touched me and brought tears to my eyes.
I'll start with the beginning of your post as I have been coming back to this thinking of what to write to you.

You say you have big dreams but can never get close to achieving them. Why not write a list of the dreams you have and think about how it is possible to achieve evn just some of them, start with the small dreams. I thinkif you just even manage to achieve one, it will make you feel good.

I'm very sorry to hear about the problems your ex husband caused you. At the end of the day, you did not cause these problems and it wasn't your fault. I think it makes you feel worthless when you think all the bad things in the world happen to you. You are not a train wreck you are a good person. I used to think all the bad things happened to me, I think that goes through a lot of peoples heads. But you have come out the other side and you have your children and a lot of things going for you.

Its hard for me to advise you on the problems you are having with your boyfriend. You do deserve better you are right. You really need to think about what is best for you and what will make you happy in life as that is the most important thing - YOU. You are the most important and you really need to think about doing things to make you happy. Have a good think about whether this man is right for you. If you really feel you want more out of life then seek it. You are a strong person and a surviver like you say. I see the strength in you from some of the things you say - especially at the end of your post.
I admire you for everything you are coping with and I hope you manage to sort things out. Have you thought about talking to a person outside of the situation eg. a counseller? This might me a good thing and may help you sort some things out in your head.

Please keep posting and let me know how you are doing.
You have a lot going for you in life and try and reach for those dreams and goals you have. I think that everything negative we have to deal with in life makes us stronger people.

Take care.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
God bless
Victoria

cherish all your happy moments....they make a fine cushion for old age

3
Dear shynsassy - I cannot begin to tell you how much you echo my thoughts - situtations are a bit different but I feel the same way. My prayers are with you !

susan
4
atedogs said...
I'm almost 50 and still don't know what I'm gonna do when Im older.


atedogs, You post made me chuckle and pushed my over the edge to cry, as I was feeling bad for shy.

Shy, I am so sorry for the things that you are going through. I agree with most of what Victoria says. You should think about what she says. I wish there was some way for me to help you but all I can do is be here for you. You will be in my thoughts.

I also think we should all take heart in the quote from atedogs. It's OK to not know. I think the acceptance of that philosophy could go a long way.......LOL

It's like by setting it free, part of it leaves my soul. That helps me survive. I will continue to survive.

5
You all are so wonderful. And I am sorry for whining.. I know that is what this forumn is for. I try to stay upbeat,but there are times when I just can't do that. I have to cry and state my peace or I think I will explode if I dont. I love this man with all of my heart,and will probably fight to the end to prove it.
But you know how that goes.

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

6
Hi Shy, I am sorry that all this is going on, you know we are always here for you no matter what.  I keep thinking of how long it took for you to find the job your in now, I wonder if your in a smaller town?  Anyhow, I was wondering if you have given any thought to taking some classes?  It is very easy to get a school loan, and if you do make the interest payments on it while you’re in school it helps to repair your credit fairly fast.  Then the plus side is it would help in getting a better job.  But, time wise would be more difficult I am sure   eyes  .  Since you’re already trying to balance everything.  Just a suggestion....

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 

7
You know shy ,you are a really special person ,I just read what you said in your post ...There are alot of us men who would love to have someone like you...You should always hold on to your dreams ,you never know !!Of course you deserve the best for yourself .I wish my wife was more like you and had dreams ,thta she would share with me ,because I would try my best to make them come true ...but..she shares next to nothing with me lately ,unless its negative or chewing me out ...I would love to help her but she has to want to let me help .I really hope you dont give up on your dreams because you deserve to be happy ,your b/f is a fool for not seeing the loving ,caring side of you ...I always said that you never know how much you miss something till its gone ....keep dreaming shy there is nothing wrong with it .I hope you find whatb you want
j

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

8
Thanks so much everyone.
Elisha,I have thought about that. I am trying to figure things out right now,and need to make a leap as far as schooling and what I want to do. Starting over is scary!
James. I am so sorry that you and your wife are having problems. It is so hard to get through the days when you and your other half are having problems.
I hope that my b/f never had to find out what he missed persay...I am still keeping my fingers crossed and figure if I show him and tell him how much I love him everyday then he will believe it.
So frustrating though.

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

9
shy,I dont think your b/f will ever have to find out ,believe it or not we like being told and reassured on how much our other half loves us ...I do the same thing with my wife ...a little different situation as she is the one with the depression and I do the reassuring not her ...stay strong and remember to believe dreams can come true !!!!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

10
Shy,
I'm a dried up old maid, so I guess I shouldn't be one to give advice, but I have to say this. I have wanted to be loved all my life and it never happened. I know that I'll die childless and alone. But even so, if I could magically have a guy to be by my side and he said he wouldn't marry me for the reasons you mentioned, I'd rather stay the dried up old maid that I am. I'm all for seeing the good in people too, but we have to be balanced. I'm not trying to tell you to leave your b/f, that's not my place, nor would I want it to be. I'm just saying that to me, love is something that is shared in good times and bad, without stipulations and conditions. If you're good enough to live with, despite your financial problems, but not good enough to marry, well, I just can't call that love. I'm not so ignorant that I believe in the "happily ever after" view of romantic relationships. They're hard work! So despite my background, I have my fair share of common sense and have observed a lot in my time. I guess it'll come down to what you're willing to settle for and what you're willing to sacrifice. I'm not being a hypocrite here, cuz the same thing holds true of me. I've ALWAYS been afraid to "rock the boat" and nothing has changed that. I sit here miserable in my life, but the fear wraps around me like a funeral shroud and so I remain in this box that fear built. I hope you find your way out of your dilemma...it would be great to see you succeed! We're rooting for you!
janet

Bless the beasts and the children...

11
Update
after a few beers and talking about life in general we got onto the subject again about Marriage.
I (having beer guts") told him that I think he likes having the milk for free persay. But,I deserve better.
I told him I know he cares about me,yes he took care of me financially when I did not have a job. Yes he pays more of the bills than I do since I do not make much money yet. Ect ect ect. BUT, I told him that he needs to know that this will not be a long standing deal of just living together with no comminment. I am not saying tomorrow...but I will not be here 10 years from now just being the live in girlfriend.
We have only been together 2 years. But,I promise this to myself and him and anyone that reads this. I will not stay with someone for the rest of my life that does not want to commit to me. And,I need to know that it is not out of the picture,as I do not want to waste years only to find out that I was not good enough to be his wife.
He does not get it. He thinks that me living here,him wanting to buy a house.That should be enough.
What he does not get is the "his house". That I have nothing of my own.

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

12
Hi Shy,

Well done you for broaching the subject -- and for the beer guts!! You may well find that, although he didn't get it at the time you said it, he gives what you've said some thought over the next few days/weeks and starts to understand (people very often do), In the meantime, I think you should decide for yourself a cut-off point. You're not going to be where you are now in 10 years, so when do you have to call it a day if you don't get the response you so want -- so that you can be somewhere else, somewhere more emotionally satisfying for you, in 10 years?

I know this must seem like a horrible thing right now, but I think you know yourself well (knowing that this is not enough for you and that in the longer term would make you very unhappy), and you're making really brave steps.

Best,
Rosie x
13

Hi Ya Shy,  I just couldn’t resist jumping in here....  eyes   I was with my now ex husband for 12 years total.  7 of those years we spent living together...when you posted the part about "his house" it hit me, as my ex was just like that.  "Everything" was his, when we got together I was 19 and of course I was in school at the time and it was difficult to keep a steady job.  Plus I was just a kid and trying to find a job that suited my schooling hours and me.  Anyway, he held that against me for years...(Jump several years ahead) - he asked me to marry him after I had thrown him out of our duplex in the most horrible way...I had some of my friends come over; help me pack his things and took them all over to his parents house and had the door locks changed.  This was after a terrible fight.  I wouldn’t talk to him for a week then I started to let him come around again and it was all down hill from there.  We got married a year later and I mistakenly thought he had changed...we lived apart for that year after I threw him out.  We bought a house together, both our names on it, finances were split right down the middle and sometimes even to the penny.  He made much more money than I did, as he works with computers.  Everything was kept separate, it was so weird because it was like we were married in name but everything else was just like we were roommates again.  And that is exactly how I thought of it...as roommates.  Just every once in a while he would get interested in me...Ya know? 

Anyway I am sorry for ranting on like that I don’t know what got into me...I am proud of you for voicing your thoughts on the subject.  Stick to it....

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 

14
I know that this is easy for me to say because I am not walking in your shoes right now but "

Ditch the boyfriend and the grandparents. You don't need a boyfriend who is always running you down. Whatever his issue with commitment is he is using your credit as an excuse. I truly believe that we do not pick our families and that they need to earn respect, it is not an entitlement. Your grandparents have made it perfectly clear that they don't have time for you. Surround yourself with positive people and take back the energy it takes to deal with the negative ones. Perhaps without the deadweight you are carrying now you will have the mental and emotional energy to look at the rest of your life differently and see new solutions to the employment and financial issues that you have.

My kids are in college and building lives of their own. I too have struggled with the issues of what I mean to them and making sure that I give them the space to build their own lives. It is normal for every parent to feel as you do at this time and to rebuild their lives. Our kids have been a big part of our lives and there is a hole when they fly on thier own. Try to see it as an opportunity. You have the opportunity to go to school and get additional skills that will take you into a better job. There is tons of money available for going to school, especially for single parents that are trying to better their lives and most especially if you are from a minority class. Go see a college counselor (got a community college close by?) and see what you can put together. It is never too late and you have your entire future ahead of you. Go For It!
15
Wow! There are some very powerful posts on here by some very strong, couragous women. I can't add much to their wisdom except to say that most men who are over the age of 23 and who have been in a serious/long term relationship of any kind "get it" and its likely that he is hoping that you don't. I hope you think long and hard about what you're giving up for the hope that your b/f will come around. I've been in one of those relationships and I had to learn the hard way. You won't change his mind no matter how hard you try. You seem to be a very giving and caring person, you derserve so much more than what you're getting in return. Believe me, there are tons of men out there that would kill to have someone like you but I know what you're going through. I trust that you'll find your way and find the happiness you deserve.