I am 53 and I lost my wife of 15 years. She died from cancer and it will be 6 years now this coming summer. I still can't deal with my loss. I made my life worse, plus another lady's life a mess, by getting involved way too soon after her death. The woman I met shortly after my wife died, we got married soon after all of this happened. I loved my deceased wife with all my life. I realized afterwards that I got attached to my present wife so easily because of the extreme pain and lonliness I was going though. My moods swing from anger to weeping uncontrollably. I am not a physically violent man but I holler a lot and complain a lot to. Life seems impossible to deal with. I am on meds for my panc attacks, but not for depression. Can someone tell me what meds are good to help control depression? I have so much to say but not much time today. I will be back on tomorrow to talk in more detail. I need help. Please talk with me...
I'm sorry for your loss . . . There are so many different meds for depression. I take Zoloft and Wellbutrin. These do not work for everyone. You will need to see a psychiatrist to be assesed and get a prescription.
I also recommend therapy of some sort. There are lots of support groups and/or one on one therapy.
Whatever you decide, please know that this is a safe and caring place to come and share your feelings. I wish you good luck in your search . . .
Tallsman, I can relate a lot to your two marriages. That's why your angry & then depressed for goodness sakes. It's all in your one post. But pills won't change that you'll always miss the woman you loved that died or change the woman you're with now. The feeling that you've made a grave mistake in marrying so soon after, is a very heavy one, I know. I almost took my own life because of that ... so I'm not playing Dr. here, but just 'relating' to what normal reactions you're having to what has happened since your wife died.
Talking with a counselor, for your own personal feelings, would be a better first course of action. Like I said, it's all in your one post here and a professional counselor could talk with you about all these pent up feelings of grief, regret, guilt, etc. etc. that come out through anger then depression.
Your present life needs to be discussed with a professional, so you can understand your situation better and why you're reacting in anger than depression. There's reasons why and justifiable ones, and pills alone won't change your home life.
I sympathize with you thoroughly and hope you'll find the right counselor to spill the beans to.
Glad you found this site. I know I am. Hang with us.
Thanks for your reply SadSunshine, and to you too Ann, I appreciate your caring. I had a wonderful therapist back in NH, where I'm originally from, for my anxiety and panic attacks, but he is now fighting for his life in the hospital with an illness. What his illness is, they will not say. I left New Hampshire a bit over a year ago, thinking a change of scenery would help my current marriage. It was a foolish move because things have'nt gotten any better, worse if anything. I miss being in NH. My mother and dad live there and they are both getting quite old and both have serious health issues, my father lives on borrowed time according to his heart specialist. I'd like to be there during their last years. Also my deceased wife's grave is in NH and I had a plot right next to hers before she died. I want to be back were I belong. I dislike Florida intensely. We live so very far away from any decent sized city, and it's a long trip to my primary care physician as it is. I am diabetic also and have to make that trip every few months for blood tests. The nearest therapist that will accept my Medicaid is over 80 miles from here. Doctors and Psychiatrists in Florida seem to have something against Medicaid......They don't get rich from it is the reason I think. Before I can get real help. I need so badly to get back to NH. My SS Disabilty checks are shamefully small. If I left, I'd have enough money to reurn to NH and my mother and father said they would be glad to let me stay with them until I can secure a room to rent. I have my name on a waiting list from the NH Housing Authority, but was told it could be a waiting period of well over 2 years before anything is available. I cannot stay long with my parents. They have very limited space and my being there would only make their lives more stressful and neither of them need that.
I had it so good for 15 years.....I had the love of my life, I ran my own buisness in downtown Concord, NH, had a nice little house in a small town near Concord.....I had what so many can only dream of having, and I lost my wife and my buisness, all within less than 6 months, and had to seel the house. The city bought the building I had been renting for my record store (actually threatened my landlord with "eminent domain"), because they wanted to errect a 5 level parking lot. That was 5 years ago, and there is STILL nothing where my store once stood but an empty lot. So much for government lies. I was blessed with a wonderfully kind landlord. He charged me a rediculously Low monthly rent and it stayed at that price for 10 years. I could not afford to relocate my store....The rental prices had soared over the years. So I lost it all. I worked usually up to 16 hrs a day to make my business a success and after the first 4 years it did indeed become successful. I have tried to leave here, even if it meant living on the streets in NH, but I stay because my current wife works part time and it's hard for her to pay the bills and keep this home, which I signed over to her because I felt if I was going to leave, it would only be fair to give her the mobile home we owned together. I feel bad for her. She has Graves Disease, along with other health problems so part time is all she can handle. Every month I'm ready to leave, then the bills begin coming in, and I end up staying to help pay the rent, lights, etc, so she won't lose everything, like I once did. That don't leave me much money after that. I feel so trapped. I'm not all that sure I could make the long drive back to NH as it is anyway. I suffer from many phobias, and driving is one of them. I mean, short distances are ok but driving through the large cities makes me nervous, as well as driving over large bridges, I get very nervous driving in heavy traffic, etc, etc. As I said I feel trapped. I want to begin therapy with a good doctor and I'd have that opportunity back in NH. Most accept Medicaid, unlike Florida. I don't know what to do anymore.. I pray to God for His help and guidance. More and more, I feel like giving up. I quit smoking almost 2 years ago now, but my wife still smokes and will not go out on the porch and do it. I quit because I coughed and wheezed so much. Well, with all her second hand smoke, I still cough and wheeze just as much as I ever did. I'm so tired.
I don't attend Church, but through them, if you can find a Licensed Counselor, then they could really help. I went that route, and they were just as good as any psychologist. And dat's da trut'. (Smile)
You can't get up to NH, so we gotta face that first. At least, you can't right now... so we gotta come up with some other thing to think about to make you feel better.
I'd change your A/C filter often and have her sit by it. You could 'ask' she smoke more outside, but I know that can be hard for a heavy smoker and with 'Graves', she has a lot going on.
Could you not be more like "just friends" and maybe have seperate rooms and just help each other for this time that you are having to live there ? Hey, that's what we do ... Ha. The more time that we're apart, doing our seperate hobbies in our seperate rooms, the less anger flares. He helps me and I help him. I can't work at all anymore, so he helps there and with the shopping and I help him by doing laundry, cooking and making sure he takes his Vitamins. I don't "Look" for this to be a real "marriage" anymore. It never was, and that's what messed me up, "wanting it to be". So now it's helped me, to Not see it as a marriage, but as room-mates helping each other. We don't hate each other ... it's just too depressing to try to make a marriage where there never was one.
I have other friends that live the same way, and it works. Seperate rooms, Not a "marriage" (tho they are married), but they have to stay together for one reason or another, so they just help each other with whatever the other can't do and it works out Good enough.
I wish we all could have story book marriages.... but I've only met maybe 2 or 3 and I'm your age, so I've seen some stuff too.
You hang tight there guy... and don't forget to look into Churches or Church Organizations, that have licensed counselors. Or just call some Licensed Counselors from the yellow pages, and see if they take Medicaid.
They'll be under "C" not "P" in your yellow pages :)
I have another friend who left lost her home and moved to Florida. She too misses her family and friends and would love to move back. Maybe NH can be a long term goal. 2 years sounds like forever but it can pass in the blink of an eye.
While you are there, try listing the things in your life that you would like to improve or change. Prioritize them tackle them one at a time. Baby steps. When we look at all of the things in our lives that are making us unhappy, they seem insurmountable, one at a time ?
I agree with obs ann. while I don't attend church right now, it is often a great place to find support, friendship and guidance.
Good luck new friend. We're all thinking of you . . .
Can I ask? DO you love your current wife? Or are you thinking maybe you need to end it and move on? All I can say is, don't stay in this marriage if you are not happy and you don't see things getting better. Don't stay because you're afraid of hurting her either. It's worse to stay rather than be alone. I'm not saying end it, but the feeling I get is you're having second thoughts...
If you want to move back home to NH because of your parents, friends and comfort level then do it. Talk to your wife.
The smoking thing, she SHOULD be going outside to smoke! That isn't fair to you. Plus, even afterwards there's that awful stale smell of smoke in the air. Yuk.
Anyway, I just wanted to touch on afew things from your post, I'm not sure if it will help, (I hope what I said doesn't make you feel worse!) but everybody needs happiness in their life and it just seems you are so unhappy, not only because of the loss of your first wife, but because of the present life infront of you.
Hi Tallman52, I am sorry for the loss of your wife. It sounds to me as if you needed to go to grief counseling and probably still do. You were trying to fill a void/loss in your life that you will not ever be able to fill. You just needed to learn how to move on. But what is done is done, it can be fixed. I agree with Ann, you can check with local churches on counseling, for one. Second, go to the local Department of Social Services and have them print you out a list of providers that DO except medicaid. You can greatly benefit from seeing a therapist and psychiatrist but it can be expensive. A Primary Care Physician can prescribe antidepressants if you explain to him how you feel. You do have a regular physician don't you? As for your wife, I think you need to sit down and talk to her about how you feel. Maybe she is picking up on your wanting to leave and being so unhappy, and this is why she is not compromising with the smoking thing. Maybe she figures why bother if your just going to leave anyway? I am just throwing things out there from a females perspective. Please don't be offended. I was married for 5 yrs and now divorced so I can relate (sorta). I congratulate you for quitting smoking, 2 years is great, and even living with a smoker and still not picking it back up is excellent. I quit this past June due to heart problems. Good luck, I hope this helps. ~elisha
Also - I just had a thought, you said that you are on disability right? have you ever tried to sign up for Medicare? If you are receiving a disability check and or SSI you may be eligible for Medicare insurance. It wouldn't hurt to look into it. Especially if you are long term disabled.
I just want to say that we all are like the first explorers, "Lewis and Clark", who each needed each other to make their jouneys sucessful. Those of us with depression and other illnesses are like those explorers and famous people who have inspired, and changed the future, and many lives with their ideas, inventions, and abilities to take the first step to go where no man has gone before to the unknown. We are that, we help each other, but through each of our journeys as long as we keep moving forward we are very important to ourselves and to each other, because we the explorers have been touched by lives and touch lives that will be a left inpression even after our lives are ended here, but does our journey truly stop there? Hmmmm? I don't know, come with me on our journey called life, and lets find out, cry when you need to, laugh when you need to too, rest when you can for our journey friend, is long, but needed. Good luck to us all, one step at a time. For life is our globe of destination, each of you are the life lines of guideness to our next unknown destinations of completeness and sucess. Fear, sadness, and all other emotions good and bad give us the needed ammonition and stability to move forward and carry on. Carry on Tallman you can do it, we are here for you. You have the map in your hands, we are pointing our fingers towards the spots, as others have in your life, now you decide which way we will go from here. Are you ready? you can do it, one step at a time, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly, we will count with you, One, Two, Three, !Go, Tallman, Go!!!! We will all be waiting for you at the finish line.
Tallman as far as you not smoking WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and to know you are in the midst of a smoker and still not lighting up, says alot about the inner strengths you do have. Congrats. As for driving in a large city, Man, can i relate, but you are driving!!!!!!!! you may not like it, and it is scary, but mind the rules of the road and just continue on as you have done, at least you are driving, that says alot too. I would say that perserverence is a good friend of yours, so keep up the good work, and keep it up, make a list of what you have accomplished, and I am sure you will find out that you are making it through a very tough, and painful time in your life, "let God take the wheel Tallman, your boat is going through a storm right now, but stay strong, cast your nets upon the water, He is there, in the midst, He is walking on the water, call out too him, he will hear you, as he does each of us. Stay strong my friend, stay strong. "Father, wrap your guiding and loving arms around Tallman and each of us, carry each of us Father as you have already done when we grow weak and tired from our Journeys, lead us to safety, shelter, peace, sucess and serenity Father, in Jesus name Amen. Thank you for those who are willing to share their stories with us, and for those who know our illness, for it is by your stripes, we are healed, and by your love mercy grace and forgiveness that we are saved, Thank you. Remind us to love and care for those as you have done, unconditionally, and may each of us that have fought the Devil himself through surviving our mental illnesses, and such be able to step on his head daily as we get closer to being free from the bondages of depression and of darkness that can only come from one who is afraid of the light and strength that he sees comes from each of us who are standing together, for each other, and for our personal freedom. Congrats to everyone for our daily fight of survival. We have all done well, we are still here, and that's what counts. Keep up the good work. You deserve it, life that is, and true peace.
Hi Tallman, You have brought such pain to my heart today. I am praying for you that God will help you to make the right decision at the right time. I have made a lot of decisions in my lifetime, especially lately. I know life can seem to be unbearable at times, but keep your head up and think positively. I am praying that when you decide what to do, you will feel good inside about it.
I also felt a need to write down a few lines for you. I wrote this small poem after reading your post. I hope that somehow it may help you in some small way. Just know that you have friends here.
By the way, I usually post in the FM forum. I do check out this forum occasionally, because I, too, suffer with depression. The best of everything to you and may your future always be bright.
Keep your faith in Jesus Christ He promised He'll stick by you He'll be your comfort and be your guide In everything you pursue
Don't try to do things on your own Whenever life seems dim Just say a prayer before you act And always trust in him
With faith in God you cannot fail He knows you've done all you could For He said to those who love the Lord That "everything works out for good"
FMS, DDD, Osteoarthritis, Hysterectomy in '92,
Back surgery in '83, Osteopenia, DeQuevains Disease, Adult Tonsilectomy (very difficult), Gall Bladder Surgery in 2005, migraines, IBS, TMJ, RLS, CFS, Depression
Post Edited (hisangel2) : 1/18/2006 11:13:20 PM (GMT-7)
