need some support

Diseases & Conditions Bipolar Disorder
1
Hi, all - I hope you're doing well today.  I just need some nice words, becuase yesterday I was feeling really good, better than usual and had lots of energy, finished a painting, etc.
 
As usual, every time I have one good day like that, I pay big time the next day.  So I couldn't sleep last night in spite of extra Seroquel, and I woke up in a very bad mood.  I was just mad at the world, adn evn tho I tried not to take it out on Paul, I said "you were snoring and I couldn't sleep", and then he blow dried his hair (I think it looks crappy that way) and I told him he looked like a used car salesman.  (He is absolutely gorgeous, by the way).  That really hurt his feelings and then, like I do, I hated myself right after I said it.  So I started crying and he was like "it's ok!  Its just a hair comment!".   He's so nice and supportive, then I felt even worse! 
 
I started feeling bad about him having to go to  a stressful job to support ME because I can't work anymore and contribute other than disability money.  I am crying writing this, I hate myself.
 
I went on a mile long walk with my dogs, like I do every mroning, and I dont' feel ANY better!
 
I nevr really got over not being able to work anymore.  I feel so guilty.  I have bankrupted us on top of everything else, and all he cares about is my well being.  God, how did I get so lucky!  But even tho I know that, I am still miserable today.
 
I think I'll call my mom, I hope she isn't drunk yet.
 
Thanks for listeneing to me whine.
 
Shannon
2
((((((((((((( Shannon)))))))))))))))))), Sorry sweetie. I will do the best I can as I am down to the limits with my friends death. First of all, i am not gonna tell you to smile, walk, you already did that ,it didn't help. I have noticed lately, just figured this one out, I feel either sad , bad, or mad, I put in a boxing tape , or my tae bo tape and go to town. I think of every mean person and don't stop working out till I about fall over. OK well you don't have to go that far, but you get the idea. Your a fitness buff, get up and move girlfriend!!!!!!!! Sorry, I am doing it again, mad, anyways seriouslt take this in stride and focus. Remember to thy self that you are stable and are sometimes going to get these minor bumps in the road. You have to figure out ( you almost know when they are going to happen), how to prevent it from being so bad or how you are going to deal with it. about you getting so lucky, look great people deserve other great people. You think you are lucky, and I am sure he thinks the same. Paul understands you , he understands what happens when you get this way. That is why he lets those piddly comments roll off.... he knows you don't mean them therefore it doesn't hurt his feelings. Does any of this make sense or am I preaching to a choir... What did I just say.... OMG! Shannon, I bet your inability to work doesn't even cross his mind. He married a beautiful intelligent woman , and years later you remain that to him. I hope that made sense and helped ya!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
3

Nickie, you are such a doll.  Thank you for that; it really means a lot coming from another bipolar person.  Not that you are only that, but you do understand and are in the same place sometimes.  Thank you so much. :-)

I am so sorry about your friends death.  Do you want to talk about it?

I know exactly how you feel, bad, mad, sad, not glad, haha, couldn't resist.    I have been there my whole life, probably just like you!  Mostly mad, not usually sad, and always bad, haha!  The workout thing is great for taking out aggression; I don't feel agression today, just tired and I was really, really sad earlier.  I called my mom and she was so helpful.  She has learned over the years not to say "just think about all you have to be thankful for", or "think positive" ooooooh I hate that one, haha!

She told me even tho I don't work anymore, I am not worthless, because I take such good care of Paul and give him a haven to come home to (when I'm ok, which is most of the time).  That really helped, because you know when you're really down you don't see ANY redeeming qualities in yourself.

I'm not crying anymore, now I am just sooooooo tired.  Sometimes, it's good that I am an ultra rapid cycler, at least in this case. 

You may be preaching to the choir, but it's sooo appreciated!  It really meant a lot to me, thank you so much.

Really, if you want to talk about your friend, just email me or post here.  I'm so sorry about that.

Shannon

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Shannon, I don't want to talk about it. I just wish there was something I could have seen I am used to me , being up and down as most people as used to me too. But him, no.... he was happy and darnit it justs makes me cry and feel really awful. I don't know how to think... I am sorry I just need to get it out.
5

Don't apologize!  That is a really devastating one, losing a friend or loved one.  Just know that we are all here for you, if you decide you do want to talk, or just write about it.  My thoughts are with you. :-)

 

Shannon

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((((((((((((((((((Shannon)))))))))))))))))))))) hugs

Sounds like the funk is going around eyes    I hope it leaves you soon.  I'm sorry you were "testy" with your hubby.  I do that to Joe sometimes.  Whatever he does ends up being wrong and there's no way he can talk himself out of it.  And then I feel bad afterwards.  Joe's still learning to be patient, but I think he's on his way. 

I have to say I often hate myself.  And that's really an awful way to feel.  I hope the funk leaves soon it can be aweful sad

*Dana tries to balance spoons on her nose standing on one leg to make shannon laugh.  But fails miserably and ends up on the floor* tongue

I'm glad mom was to the rescue today!!!! and hope you feel better soon. 

 

Dana smurf

7

Shannon,

I hope you feel better soon. I follow your post a lot. You are the most understanding and caring person I have seen in a long time. You make my job easy on this message board.

Just wanted you to know I hope you feel better soon.

 

Take care,

Laura

 

"It is not easy to live life sometimes and face the world with a smile when you're crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength that's still there, and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. But if you can hold on long enough to see this through, you'll come out a new person - stonger, with more understanding and with new pride in yourself from knowing you made it"       Kathy Obara
 
 
 
Please allow HealingWell to continue helping others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/
 

8

Hi, I just wanted to thank all of you for writing in, it meant a lot to me!

I'm hoping I can get some sleep tonight, I know if I can, I will feel better tomorrow! redface

Dana,  I hope you didn't hurt yourself in your fall, hehe tongue

Laura, that was so nice of you.  I hope I can help whenever I can, too! :-) Good night,

Shannon

9
Kitty
 
I know things have blown over for you and I am glad to hear it.  It was comforting to hear that I am not the only one that feels the way you were feeling. 
 
I don't really have a job either.  I want to work, but no one will hire me because of my history so I do some stuff here and there.  I am taking advantage of this time to really get into this bipolar thing and make sense of it.  Have you ever thought about Voluenteering?  Spelling is bad.
 
Oh and I read that you and psychenurse are fitness buffs.  Exactly how do you do that?  Get all that energy?
 
Pepper
 
 
10

Hi, Pepperina,

The only time I can work out (I do it at home, DVDs, hate being around other people I don't know) is when I am stable or of course manic. 

It's really hard to get started, the best way is to cut the junk and bad carbs out, and eat the good ones an hour before you do, you will have "good" , usable energy.  The key is to start at ONLY the level you feel comfortable wtih.  If you knock yourself out, you won't stick with it.  Just do what you can, your stamina will increase quickly, then you will HAVE the energy.  It also lifts depression immensely.  Of course, you would NEVER go off meds!

If you want more help with the sensible diet (NO fad diets), and starting exercise suggestion, feel free to ask.

Hope everybody is doing well today, I am feeling much better, I got 8 hours of sleep last night, cause I knocked my ass in the dirt with more Seroquel, haha!

 
Shannon
11
Just wanted to say that you are amazing Shannon, you really have so much insight into things...I appreciate it all. I visit this board every day and read, in order to learn...So many times, I read your comments and they help me understand things. Glad to hear that you are feeling better with sleep.
12

Thanks, FOD, I'm sorry I didn't reply, somehow I didn't get notified that you responded.   That meant so much to me, thank you.   I think we are all amazing for surving this illness and we're just really loving, good people at heart.  I'm so glad when I can help, it truly makes my day.  It's kind of like when I worked, I loved the patients (well, most of them, lol), so I can do that again here, I just don't get paid, haha!

Well, a couple of days ago I was doing a painting, and I got so involved, I didn't  realize I had been standing there for 3 hours!  So it woke me up at about 3:30 a.m. and it hurt so bad I couldn't lie in bed, so I had to get up and so I got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep.  I was totalled yesterday, living on Vicodin and muscle relaxers.  Not any better today!  So, I can't work out, or do house work, I am couchbound, lol.  I didn't get much better sleep last night, and the pain is the same, so the mood is going down the toilet.  God, what a screwed up week it's been!  I sincerely hope the w/e is a little better!!!!!!!  Oh, God, why, why! sad

Oh, I just thought of something - does anybody else have trouble with the notification system?   Sometimes when I do get an email, the new response isn't there.  I even try going to the thread manually instead of the email link, but it's not there.  So frustrating!  Is it just me, or you guys, too?  Am I doing something wrong?

Talk to you later, take care

Shannon