Scared...

Diseases & Conditions Breast Cancer
1
Hi everyone, I posted on here a couple of times last year but just haven't had much time lately. I just need to vent a little bit.  My mom was diagnosed with cancer september 2003.  She went through 6 months of chemo theraphy and was horribly sick, lost all her hair and wow! did she have a lot.  She was then suppose to start radiation but the cancer spread to her bones and they stopped all chemo/radiation treatments.  She is a very happy person with a good outlook on life, she is still working and making the best of things.  She is taking 90mg of slow release morphine 3 times a day and the doctors have also given her liquid morphine for inbetween her pill times.  She doesn't take advantage of it but I still feel that its way to much drugs for her to be taking. She has lost over 30 blbs since I started school this year.  Annyways, I am heading home for christmas and am really nervous, I know it kinda sounds silly but I am!  I am only 19 year old and  have been away at college since September and I am not sure how I should act or be with her.  I want to treat her normal but I also want to make things extra special cause everyone is telling me that she isn't goign to be around much longer.  I have total breakdowns and stuff lately cause I just don't know how to deal with all the things going on.  Sometimes I just want to quit school and move home to be with her but she wants me to live my life for me.  None of my friends understand what I am goign through and it sooo hard to deal with. I put on a happy face for everyone and sheild everyone from how I actually feel but it is sooo hard to do.  I found this poem that I thought you all might like... it is totally how I feel ..
 
 

If I could give my mom the world

 

If I could give my mom the world
Or anything she wanted,
I'd give her my own heart and soul
And leave my own heart haunted.

I'd take upon myself her life
With all its strife and pain,
And let her ease into some space
Where she could live again.

The pain for me would not be pain,
At least not for a while;
For I'd be doing it for her,
And I would see her smile.

I wish that I could take her heart
And cleanse it with my tears,
And make her sorrow go away,
And answer all her fears.

I wish, I wish, but then I can't,
As I watch helplessly,
And take her in my arms and say
I wish that it were me.

But loving is a hard, hard way,
With all the pain it brings.
And yet there is no other way
To touch the heart of things.

                                                                                                     By Dimitri Shostakovich
 
Anyways, I just needed to vent and put my thoughts into words and writing to people who know what I am goign through.  Merry Christmas EVERYONE and good luck with your treatments.
 
Robyn
2

Oh Robyn,

I am so sad to read about your mom, you are a good daughter I am sure.  I have a college age daughter myself and she will come home for her break next week.  I am looking forward to her helping me with our holiday traditions we have done since she was little.  Baking, candy making and then we make trays to distribute to friends and neighbors.  Maybe you and your mom have done things like this?  My daughter and I have had some very good talks doing these things, or sometimes just being quiet but being together is fine too.  I remember doing these things with my own mother.

One thing she loves to do too is look at photo albums of when she was growing up.  She wants me to tell her all about each photo, even though she has heard the stories many times before.  When we decorate the tree we remember where each ornament came from, they are like old and dear friends we see once a year.

Your poem shows the pain you feel.  Just be there for your mom, make some good memories for you to savor in years to come.  God bless you and your family.  We should all celebrate each family gathering as if it we're our last, I've come to know first hand.

 

As for taking a leave from school, that might be a good decision if you feel lost and alone while away from her.  During your break it might be a good time to talk it over with your mom.

 


Post Edited (Liz Bether) : 12/12/2004 6:28:21 AM (GMT-7)

3
Hi Robyn,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I have just prayed for you both.

Liz has great ideas and advice.

Please let us know how things are going over Christmas.
-Jen
4

Dear Robyn I have been thinking of you all weekend and am sorry no one except Jen answered you back.  I find it strange on a support board.  Guess this one is not for me, maybe you should look for a different one too.

 

 

5
Dear Robyn,

Sorry to hear about your mom. I was diagnosed at the same time she was. I really feel for you.

Unfortunately, the board is pretty slow on weekends, especially around the holidays. I was gone much of the weekend and am just now reading the new posts. I'm sure many others were gone, too. Sorry you feel that you weren't supported.

Hugs,
Rita