sinking

lost_at_sea · March 17, 2005, 12:02am

I have never posted on a forum before, but I felt like if I didn't get some things off my chest they were going to drown me. I am getting ready to finish college, I have been married for 5 years. My husband seems to become less and less happy with me lately. Everything I do seems to make his blood boil. He is always complaining. I feel helpless and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I cant changes the fact that I am very busy and can not keep up with house work or whatever. There is too much to even go into. I have a history of depression, and have not felt this bad in years.

timid1 · March 17, 2005, 2:23am

Lost, Get some sort of counselling!!!I stayed in a marriage over 20 years with a man that I could never seem to 'make' happy.It isn't your job to make him happy, or he to make you happy....Marriage and all it's stresses are hard work, on both sides.But you are doing the hardest first step...asking for help, even in the form of a post here.Took me years and a divorce to ask!Keep posting here , and if your depression doesn't lift seek a Doc's advice.Best of luck to you.......

akramh · March 17, 2005, 11:22am

greate advice from A223, just know that there isnt a marage without certain problems. that is what life is about. imagine if all the Cars in the united states never stoped working, then all the Car Mechanics would not find a job :)

It's normal to have issues of problems in marrage and there is ways to fix them, you don't have to live with them, you can do something about it as Jo A223 said , either consuler or docor for one of you . maybe he's clinicly depressed or maybe you are clinicly deppresed, the good news is you can get out of it by dealing with it and confronting it

Now i can understand if your husbend does not agree with this , if in anycase you discuss with him and he feels everything is normal you can always go alone and discuss this with the consuler and ask his opinuin anyway

I wish the best for you and your husbend :)

To be or not to Be

lost_at_sea · March 17, 2005, 2:15pm

Thanks for your advice. I was thinking about seeing a doc, but wasnt sure I was going to explain going to my husband.

Thanks
-L

akramh · March 17, 2005, 2:48pm

I am sure it's hard to speak to your husbend about it , because it's propably a touching point and difirent views on this issue. ask you husbend if he feels everything should remain as it is , or should you consider doing something about it , don't try to change his mind if he refuses or starts making excuses etc , sometimes you can't change what other peopole think or view because the mind is a complex thing and every person is difirent than the other we were not created the same.

btw if your husbend has thought about it and he could not get a real decision about it , take your time don't presure him or such , let him take his time and leave the subject for a day or more then open it up again try to select confortable times etc, if your both relaxed or such, don't comfront him when he is back from work stressed for instance, make sure he is relaxed and in a situation he would be receptive to new ideas.

I hope this helps..

personally i think your normal and he is the one who is deppresed, when you say he gets angry often because the things you do or such, review yourself are you really doing something wrong? ask opinuin of someone close to you like your mother or sister, and ask her is what you doing wrong? the stuff which is making him angry. if your not doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary then he is the problem not you, you need to find out the source of the problem.

My parents were great toghether most of their lifes, until my father got diabities when he was around 58, he went into a depresive moood, because he also had high blood presure and he was getting very angry when he is at work , meaning people would get to him pretty quickly , and have the time he is shouting while working. even i was afraid to visit his office to see him like this , i offered my help to help setup some things at the time in his office , but because of his mood he droove me away and i didn't want to have anything to do with his work. so he retiered before 60 , and after that he started getting buesy with other things such as realstate but his condition kept getting worse , nobody wanted to get involved in things he does, he gets angry too quickly so me and my mother kept pushing him to see a doctor and get diagnozed etc, it was a very stressfull period. we were totaly convinced that his angry is not normal and it should be addressed, he started having insomnia and started to suffer even more, not getting enough sleep at night , so we told him that the deppresion and stress that he has is the cause, at some point he even started to prepare his will because he felt he was going to die very soon , me and my mum continued to put pressure on him to get medicated, everytime he gets very angry and says " I take a dozen of pills for my blood presure, diabities, cholestrol etc etc i don't want to get any other medication" he refused to aknowledge that something is wrong with him from a psyciatric point of view.

in the end he agreeed, after so much persuagion lol , his doctor gave him some pils for deppresion , and some to help him sleep and since then he has bin improving everyday, it's not an over-night quick recovery it was slow but his sleep is very regulated now, he is still sometimes stressed but only 1 time or 2 times per month it happens very infrequently compared to before and he is living a normal life, very active and has grown new hobbies etc that he didn't do before :)

To be or not to Be

RainDance · March 17, 2005, 4:55pm

Hey Lost...

Your "Handle," reminds me of the line.. "I once was lost, but now I'm found.. " It's from the Hymnn, Amazing Grace.. and that's part of what marriage is about.. Amazing grace.. Forgiveness and acceptance.

Well, hope I can add some insight to your delema.. I've been married almost 41 years, and the first ten were the hardest... !!! It took ten years for us both to get used to each other, learn each other, and accept things about our partner that were not going to change.

Some points that I thought about while reading your post... :

Maybe he's not really upset with you but, something going on within him or his work/life or other family members and, you happen to be close enough to catch the fallout. Not right but, a pretty normal course.

Do you converse.. ? About the things in life that matter to you as a couple, not just, "what do you want for supper..?" Do you spend at least one day/night a month, focused on each other, no phone, no kids, no work, no family, no talk of work/school.. Just you two, face to face, no tv. I find this works well over a quiet, lonely candle light supper with a bit of wine.

Are you meeting each other's sexual needs? Think about how often you are intimate and find out from him if it is enough for him... ???? If not, get a charge account at Victoria's Secret and go for it.. :)

If the house has become a problem, get some help. Once a month, get the house cleaned professionally. That alone, will lift your spirits.

It's the rare couple who go thru the first ten years without problems. This is the time to learn how to communicate, lean on each other and become one person.

My husband's parents couldn't afford a wedding gift for us but, his mother gave me the gift I remember and value most. She gave me advice for a long and healthy marriage. She told us, "Never go to bed or part for the day, mad at each other and learn to say, 'I'm sorry... I was wrong.' And when you hear those words, learn to say, 'I forgive you and accept your apology.'"

We would argue till noon, Then go to work when we had said we were sorry. Never carried an arguement over to the next day.. there would be new material for a new one so, didn't need to.. ! haha..

Take inventory: of your words you speak to him; are they inflammitory? Of your priorities, are they in order?

There are lots of things that can be done to help, if you can talk with each other. That's a good place to start, because you will never know how to fix it if you don't know what it is.

Good luck and remember, the way to a man's heart is still his stomach.. haha..

RainDance

We get through this one day at a time.. :)

Post Edited (RainDance) : 3/17/2005 11:27:04 AM (GMT-7)