hi Everyone
my name is nicole, I m seventeen years old. One year ago i knew who i was. I knew the kind of person i wanted to be. I had everything going for me. I was a popular girl a varsity basketball player and so one. I had my childhood sweetheart and i was the happiest teenager you've ever met. I grew up with my mother. my Father was a drunk. It for him was a life long battle.it started with hes grandfather and his father pasted it to him. My father droped out of school moved in with his dad and by the time he was 15 he was supporting them both and getting drunk with his father every night became his life.becuse his father wanted. My mother new she didnt want me to grow up around that so she left my father. My father and I never had a relationship. I hated him my whole life because I thought some how it was my fault so The last time we talked was 1 1/2 ago. He was drunk and i was tired of it he said some hurtfull things and the last thing i ever told to my father was i hate you and i would care less if you died of A heart attack!!!! I didnt mean it but you can never take words back. September 1 of last year my father died of a heart attack. I did and still do hate my self for it. Ever sents then I can not stop thinkg about death and being so scared of it. I have hurt everyone I love in the last year and Ive almost dropped out of school becuase I let my grades drop so low. I had DREAMS!!! i STILL DO!!! I'm so lost I became the girl I told myself I would never be. I started not going to school, smoking, partying, There was more then once I woke up the next mornig and didnt remember anything. I have A thirteen year old niece who is so pretty andd so smart but she has started to hang out with the wrong kidds I cant even be a good influence for her. I had the perfect boyfriend grew up with him in the neighborhood and he was my jr. high and high school sweet heart. I loved him so much!!!! He is so smart and caring. all together a great kid. he would never smoke do drugs or ever drink. I did and it came between us. this year has been been the worst year of my life!! its no ones fault but mine. I leave for the army in three weeks and I'm so scared im going to fail at that too. I lost my best friend because i COULDNT STOP lieing about everything. i use to go to church and know I dont know if I believe in God. Today is my boyfriends b-day and i ruined it!! My mother talk to my brother that she hasnt talk to in five years and he just got his splin removed. she told me the she was going to go visit him in Sweden over the summer whe i was at bt. I screamed at her because i didnt want her to go with out me and knowing that she is 62 and might not be around much longer. My mother is my best friend if any one ever hurt her i would kill them. Im the one that hurt her the most!!! Everything I do is wrong. I dont mean to hurt anyone. Im so lost im always depressed i eat more and i got fatter then ive ever been i dont play sports any more and i dont know any one that has went through this i dont want to talk to my mom she doesnt understand and i dont want to upset her anymore the i already have. I always think about just moving away in 6 months when im 18 so i dont hurt any one anymore. I hate who I am!!! I want to find that fun loving caring girl i used to be when my life made sents. I want my life back. If you know what im talking about please talk to me I feel alone in this.
Hi nicole,
If you only 18 is not to late atall. go back to school pick up your grades get back with your boyfriend and decent friends and pick up your sport again. Keep away from all the trash they will only drag you down cause beleive me time flys dont let it continue because it will only be harder to fix.I was like you nice friends doing well at school studying ballet then got in with the wrong crowd and messed it up i do anything to go back to being 18 and fixing the mess.
As for your father it must be hard but you will have to stop blaiming yurself and feeling that everything going wrong is your fault your not a bad person. Forgive yourself and fight to get the old you back.maybe even therapy could be benefical for you.
goodluck livepast
If you only 18 is not to late atall. go back to school pick up your grades get back with your boyfriend and decent friends and pick up your sport again. Keep away from all the trash they will only drag you down cause beleive me time flys dont let it continue because it will only be harder to fix.I was like you nice friends doing well at school studying ballet then got in with the wrong crowd and messed it up i do anything to go back to being 18 and fixing the mess.
As for your father it must be hard but you will have to stop blaiming yurself and feeling that everything going wrong is your fault your not a bad person. Forgive yourself and fight to get the old you back.maybe even therapy could be benefical for you.
goodluck livepast
Nicole,
Hi!
My name is Janet. I am so sorry that you're having a hard time right now. It is NOT your fault that your Dad died. We all say things that we regret later. Unfortunately for you, you are unable to take it back. That doesn't mean though that you should hate yourself for it. Nicole, do you think that you could be subconsciously "punishing" yourself by what you've been up to? Counseling would be a very good idea for you. Something that I do when I'm feeling bad about my past is to pretend that someone else did the exact same thing I did and think about what I'd tell them. I might tell MYSELF that I'm a terrible awful lousy human being, but when I think of someone else in my situation, I'm a lot more reasonable. Maybe you could try this: Pretend that your niece has just done the exact same things you've done. Her Dad is dead and she'd said what you said. Her grades have dropped. She's partying, etc. Would you judge her as harshly as you're judging yourself? What would you say to her? Would you still love her? We are all our own worst critics. I should know. And although my case isn't exactly like yours, I have regrets about my Dad's death...the night that the doctor told Daddy that he was a gravely ill man (in other words, "you're dying"), I felt overwhelmed...After the doctor left the room, Dad looked at me and said, "That doesn't sound too good, does it?" I stood there by his bedside and all I said was, "I am so sorry." I didn't hug him...the bars on the hospital bed were in the way...I should've tried anyhow...when Mom and I left him that night I was thinking of me and Mom. What were WE going to do? He was our sole support. Mom hadn't worked since she was a teenager. So there I was, with my Dad dying, worrying about me and Mom...I should've worried more about him...how he felt. I had a good Dad, Nicole. You didn't. Of course you were hurt and angry at him! He CHOSE his life. He was laying heavy stuff on you, his own flesh and blood, that was still a child, HIS child! He was the irresponsible one. What I'm saying is that whereas your Dad wasn't there for you, mine was...and I still let him down. My Dad died the next day. I'm the one that found him, laying there in the dialysis chair, his eyes still open. I can still see him in my mind's eye...should I hate myself, Nicole? What would I have accomplished by ruining my life? He wouldn't have wanted that. Nicole, you're going to have to cut yourself some slack. Please think about it. Your Mom loves you and I can tell that you love her. You can't undo yesterday, but you can make tomorrow a better day. It will be hard and will take time and no, you'll never completely forget, but things can get better. Take life's reins and go, girl, go!!! And remember, there's no shame in getting professional help to deal with this! Perhaps if your dad had done the same years ago, his life would've been happier and longer. His death, you see, isn't your fault. Take care and know that I'm sincere. HUGS!!!!
janet
I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...
Hi!
My name is Janet. I am so sorry that you're having a hard time right now. It is NOT your fault that your Dad died. We all say things that we regret later. Unfortunately for you, you are unable to take it back. That doesn't mean though that you should hate yourself for it. Nicole, do you think that you could be subconsciously "punishing" yourself by what you've been up to? Counseling would be a very good idea for you. Something that I do when I'm feeling bad about my past is to pretend that someone else did the exact same thing I did and think about what I'd tell them. I might tell MYSELF that I'm a terrible awful lousy human being, but when I think of someone else in my situation, I'm a lot more reasonable. Maybe you could try this: Pretend that your niece has just done the exact same things you've done. Her Dad is dead and she'd said what you said. Her grades have dropped. She's partying, etc. Would you judge her as harshly as you're judging yourself? What would you say to her? Would you still love her? We are all our own worst critics. I should know. And although my case isn't exactly like yours, I have regrets about my Dad's death...the night that the doctor told Daddy that he was a gravely ill man (in other words, "you're dying"), I felt overwhelmed...After the doctor left the room, Dad looked at me and said, "That doesn't sound too good, does it?" I stood there by his bedside and all I said was, "I am so sorry." I didn't hug him...the bars on the hospital bed were in the way...I should've tried anyhow...when Mom and I left him that night I was thinking of me and Mom. What were WE going to do? He was our sole support. Mom hadn't worked since she was a teenager. So there I was, with my Dad dying, worrying about me and Mom...I should've worried more about him...how he felt. I had a good Dad, Nicole. You didn't. Of course you were hurt and angry at him! He CHOSE his life. He was laying heavy stuff on you, his own flesh and blood, that was still a child, HIS child! He was the irresponsible one. What I'm saying is that whereas your Dad wasn't there for you, mine was...and I still let him down. My Dad died the next day. I'm the one that found him, laying there in the dialysis chair, his eyes still open. I can still see him in my mind's eye...should I hate myself, Nicole? What would I have accomplished by ruining my life? He wouldn't have wanted that. Nicole, you're going to have to cut yourself some slack. Please think about it. Your Mom loves you and I can tell that you love her. You can't undo yesterday, but you can make tomorrow a better day. It will be hard and will take time and no, you'll never completely forget, but things can get better. Take life's reins and go, girl, go!!! And remember, there's no shame in getting professional help to deal with this! Perhaps if your dad had done the same years ago, his life would've been happier and longer. His death, you see, isn't your fault. Take care and know that I'm sincere. HUGS!!!!
janet
I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...
Hi Nicole,
Janet said it perfectly, so i will add just a little. A way to help with the guilt "justified or not in your mind" is to give something of yourself, ie give an hour a week to help someone who reminds you of your father, and keep your dad in mind when you are doing it and take pleasure in it, make it that hour you spend, a time to forgive yourself and your Father. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, positively or negatively, by helping someone that has some feature of that guilt, you are feeding the positive,
Have a talk with all those who are close to you and tell them what you feel, and Why, when they know what you are feeling, they will very likely understand and help you all they can,
Janet said it perfectly, so i will add just a little. A way to help with the guilt "justified or not in your mind" is to give something of yourself, ie give an hour a week to help someone who reminds you of your father, and keep your dad in mind when you are doing it and take pleasure in it, make it that hour you spend, a time to forgive yourself and your Father. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, positively or negatively, by helping someone that has some feature of that guilt, you are feeding the positive,
Have a talk with all those who are close to you and tell them what you feel, and Why, when they know what you are feeling, they will very likely understand and help you all they can,
Hi Nicole,
The words that you said had nothing to do with your father dying. You have no power in this way. You remember them too much. Your father probably didn't remember them at all if he was drunk at the time. You are at a difficult age when most people question their self-worth. When I felt that way at your age it was hard to face anything. However, I had a poster of a waterfall on my wall. On it was written, " Life is nothing if not a daring adventure." Helen Keller said this. She was deaf and blind from birth and she ended up going around the world giving lectures. She had so much more to face than anything I went through so thinking of her courage made me take my life in hand. My suggestions are: If you really want to go in the army and are not doing it to escape yourself then I would make a new start today. I would look in the mirror and OUT LOUD tell my self, " You said things in anger that you did not mean but you are forgiven for that." Then I would go for a ten minute run to start to prepare for going in the army. (An easy amount of time so no risk of failing!) Choose something healthy for mealtimes and no snacks today. Immediately, a positive start has been made and you will feel better. Repeat tomorrow... You were happy when you were sporty before. Running releases feel good endorphins into your body. Put a poster on the wall that inspires you. Just suggestions of things that have helped me. Hope you feel better soon.
Hey ya all
Thanks so much for those you just helped me!!! It means alot to me. Are you guys sure this isnt your job? lol i have one more question my boyfriend said that i have to pick all my friends or him i can only have one he said its because he loves me and just wants the best for me and he knows they are bad news. I would never put him in that situation. What would I say that wouldnt be the wrong thing. hes very controlling and has to have everything a certian way. he sounds more and more like my mother. im completly honest with him then he uses that against me. Should there be some things I should keep from him.
Thanks so much for those you just helped me!!! It means alot to me. Are you guys sure this isnt your job? lol i have one more question my boyfriend said that i have to pick all my friends or him i can only have one he said its because he loves me and just wants the best for me and he knows they are bad news. I would never put him in that situation. What would I say that wouldnt be the wrong thing. hes very controlling and has to have everything a certian way. he sounds more and more like my mother. im completly honest with him then he uses that against me. Should there be some things I should keep from him.
Hi Nicole,
I hate hearing what you have just wrote, Nicole, yoou are allowed as many friends as you want, no one has the right to control you, and its a dangerous path to tread, my advice, pick your friends over your boyfriend, you deserve much much better, think carefully of your choices here, if your b/f loves you, he would have no need to try and control you, also that behaviour is a good sign that he has some serious issues
I hate hearing what you have just wrote, Nicole, yoou are allowed as many friends as you want, no one has the right to control you, and its a dangerous path to tread, my advice, pick your friends over your boyfriend, you deserve much much better, think carefully of your choices here, if your b/f loves you, he would have no need to try and control you, also that behaviour is a good sign that he has some serious issues
Is this the same boyfriend as in your first post- who is caring and would never do drink or drugs? You are the only one who can decide who to be friends with. You were very unhappy with your lifestyle in your first post. You are the one who has to take control with the support of your boyfriend, perhaps. He should not be imposing this choice onto you. Good luck with everything.
ya we've were talking last night andhe was saying he had to watch me change when i was hanging around a few people so i agree with that but then he said i cant hang with any of my friends because they all have their hang ups and he wants me to change and 4 us to be like we used to be. so it has its up and downs. you guys have givien me more true advise then my friends could thank you
Hi Nichole...you should check out the AA groups. There is one for adult children of alcholics and there is another for teen children of alcholics. I went when I was over 50! It was great. My dad was also an alcholics and left me and my Mom in quite a pickle.
Don't be so upset about the death of your father. Everybody dies and in this country many die of a heart attack. To forgive mean to give over...ie, to God, a higher power or whatever supreme being fits into your belief system. It could even mean to your better self. This means you don't have to think where many you were wrong 5% and the other person 95%. This can set you free.
Don't be so upset about the death of your father. Everybody dies and in this country many die of a heart attack. To forgive mean to give over...ie, to God, a higher power or whatever supreme being fits into your belief system. It could even mean to your better self. This means you don't have to think where many you were wrong 5% and the other person 95%. This can set you free.
You might need professional help, do you have the resources? Don't let yourself get wasted so young.
You and your old bf can not be the way it used to be. It is impossible to return to the past. Maybe it is a good idea to drop a bad crowd.
best wishesPost Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/30/2006 9:09:37 AM (GMT-6)
Joan
Thanks!!! it means a lot to me
Thanks!!! it means a lot to me
Hi, Nicole!
I can't say whether or not you should drop your b/f, but be careful. Many abusive relationships have begun with a boyfriend that starts being controlling. It often doesn't end there. Before a woman knows it, she's being told that she can't see her family. The guy wants to isolate her from everyone so that she becomes very dependent on him. Guys like that are usually insecure, but can be mean. They start out being very charming and nice, but their true colors eventually start to show thru after a bit. I'm not saying that your b/f will be that way. There's no way for me to know, but be careful and don't rush into anything. You are still young and have lots of time to decide about what you want out of life and who you want to share your life with. Personally, I wouldn't want anyone giving me ultimatums. Apparently, some alarm bells have went off for you or you wouldn't have asked about this. One thing that I worry about is where you asked if you should keep some things from him...if you can't be honest with the guy that's supposed to love you, how can you build a strong, long-lasting relationship? The best relationships are built on, not only "love" or attraction, but on honest, open communication and TRUST. Personally, I agree with what Brownleaf said about this. Stay sweet and keep us posted on how you're doing, please! :)
HUGS!!!
Jnate
I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...
I can't say whether or not you should drop your b/f, but be careful. Many abusive relationships have begun with a boyfriend that starts being controlling. It often doesn't end there. Before a woman knows it, she's being told that she can't see her family. The guy wants to isolate her from everyone so that she becomes very dependent on him. Guys like that are usually insecure, but can be mean. They start out being very charming and nice, but their true colors eventually start to show thru after a bit. I'm not saying that your b/f will be that way. There's no way for me to know, but be careful and don't rush into anything. You are still young and have lots of time to decide about what you want out of life and who you want to share your life with. Personally, I wouldn't want anyone giving me ultimatums. Apparently, some alarm bells have went off for you or you wouldn't have asked about this. One thing that I worry about is where you asked if you should keep some things from him...if you can't be honest with the guy that's supposed to love you, how can you build a strong, long-lasting relationship? The best relationships are built on, not only "love" or attraction, but on honest, open communication and TRUST. Personally, I agree with what Brownleaf said about this. Stay sweet and keep us posted on how you're doing, please! :)
HUGS!!!
Jnate
I was okay until that flock of bird dogs flew over...
hey nicole!
how you doing today?
i agree with joan.
aa is best thing going. even if you just sit there and don't talk.
just keep going everyday and you will see each day you will feel
little bit better.
you're never too young for aa. it's the best education.
take care, brush your hair
bucci
how you doing today?
i agree with joan.
aa is best thing going. even if you just sit there and don't talk.
just keep going everyday and you will see each day you will feel
little bit better.
you're never too young for aa. it's the best education.
take care, brush your hair
bucci
Hey bucci, I have taken the all caps out of your post as this is considered yelling even though this was not your intent. Just wanted you to know why I have edited...Thank you - Elisha
Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/30/2006 9:07:50 AM (GMT-6)
hiys nicole its jodie, i am in no state to councill you, but i am feeling all of the things you do becuse of a different situation, maybey in time we can talk about it, i am 19, used 2 b the most outgoing, confident, funny, and fun 2 b aroung girl in the world, im stuck now, becuse of situations in the past, i need you to know that you are not alone, and i think that together we can find the old us, im gona gv u my e-mail cuz i cant get on this site often, its speak soon babe xx
Hi, I have edited out your e-mail from your post for your protection..please if you wish for other members to e-mail you then you can include it into your profile. To do this go into Control Panel on the blue bar at the top of your screen next to Log off , then go into edit my profile and add your e-mail address. This way it will show up under your username. Thank you. Elisha
Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 6/2/2006 8:30:01 AM (GMT-6)
Hey you guys
How is everyone. today was really hard for me becuase i noticed im leaving in fourteen days. the time pasted and im kinda scared. I dont want to fail at this. Its the army. ive never been away from my mother for more then 1 month my whole life she is the reason why ive made it to where i am. well i hope everything is going good for all of you guys if u need some one to talk to im always here.
How is everyone. today was really hard for me becuase i noticed im leaving in fourteen days. the time pasted and im kinda scared. I dont want to fail at this. Its the army. ive never been away from my mother for more then 1 month my whole life she is the reason why ive made it to where i am. well i hope everything is going good for all of you guys if u need some one to talk to im always here.
Hi Laura, I can imagine that going into the Army would be a scary thought. But on the other hand it can give your life a lot of structure and purpose. Also they can help get you through college. That is a wonderful opportunity. I am sure you will excel at it and make lots of new friends...and just think of all the cute guys... 
Take care and let us know how you get along..Hugs
Take care and let us know how you get along..Hugs
Elisha
Hey everyone...thanks for the comments! Im glad the hear that you'all are doing well...I am leaving in twelve days...kind scary and exciting at the same time. Talk to you A.S.A.P.
Nicole
Nicole