Tired, alone and desperate for six years since the rape

Diseases & Conditions Depression
1
I feel so bad.  Since I was raped in July 2000 my self-esteem has gone through the floor.  I'm completely at rock bottom.  I tried (for the third time) to commit suicide in June 2005 by crashing my car into a truck, which didn't work.  It just left me even more broken.
 
I went back to work after my broken bones healed in January 2006, to a new job which I thought might get my mind onto something useful, instead of being at home and dwelling on myself so much.  But I feel inadequate, I can't do the job and I'm really, really tired all the time which doesn't help.
 
I have been bulimic for two years now as well, eating then throwing up afterwards, which makes my life hell too.
 
Does anyone know what I can do to try to get out of this cycle of self-destruction?
2
   Hi Emmie ,and welcome to HW. I read your post and i,mvery sorry to hear that you were raped and Idon,t think your inadequate at all ,your going through a rough time of depression .Your going to need some help ,that,s if your already getting help. Iwas wondering way your bulimic ,is it from being raped or not .I don,t want to get invoveled in your personal life .Are you taking any medicine to help your depression .I don,t know what else to say ,maybe some one can help you more than Ican right now .There are peolpe here that can probably help you with this problem of yours .Good luck and God Bless.

      sick of meds

3

Hi emmie_25,  I wanted to tell you welcome to the forum.  Thank you for trusting us enuf to tell us alittle about yourself and what your going through.  I know it is very hard to do.  Are you seeing a counselor or psychiatrist?  If not perhaps it may be a good idea.  I sounds like you are punishing yourself and putting a lot of blame onto your own shoulders. 

I didnt go through the same thing as you being raped, but I was molested for many years by my stepfather starting at the age of 3 until I was 11.  So, I to went through all the self punishment and guilt and hatred.  But no matter what never is it your fault or worth your life.  Depression can make you feel as you described, I hope you call for help....Take care and keep posting.... :-)  

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

Post Edited (els) : 4/27/2006 4:34:24 PM (GMT-6)

4
hey emmie,
I am here to offer support. I am a 21 year old male, whose love life is really down the toilet right now. Yet, no matter how desparate I am to be intimate with someone, I need to hear the word yes. I can't relate to being raped, but there is one thing I know. It is not your fault. Any person that would do that to a someone will feel the effects some day. If not while during life, then when he is standing in front of heavens gates, and the gate keeper says "no". Please stay strong and keep posting.
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Emmie
I want to tell you that you are not alone.
I was raped when I was 12. Never told anyone about it so of course he is still on the streets.
I am now 36 and until finding this message board had kept the dark secret hidden.
I finally told my mother about it a few months ago,not even going into the rape just telling her that he had touched me.
So
I believe (and this has taken awhile for me to get to this phrase of healing) that in order to heal you need to talk about it. So you are taking the first step. I am not sure if you will ever get over it,it has been 24 years for me and I still have nightmares. I still can not stand certain smells ect.
But you do get through it. Some days are harder than others. Some days you won't even think about it. Some nights you will have pleasant dreams,other nights you will wake up screaming.
But,there will be a time to where you will get through the whole day without thinking about it. I believe that is a huge step towards healing.
Your self esteem problem is something that will take awhile. You blame yourself,in some ways if not all.
You ask yourself many times what could you have done to prevent it. What did you do to cause it.
Those are easy questions for someone who has not been raped to answer,they of course tell you that it was not your fault and that you should not blame yourself. But they are not easy questions for the victim to answer for themselves.
I too went through an eating disorder,except for me it is and was just not eating.
I think that you are doing the same thing as me,you think of eating as enjoyable...if you throw up you are punishing yourself like you think you deserve.
So,I guess through all of this rambling I am saying that yes they are right it was not your fault. But,You are the only one that can tell yourself that as you are the one that has to learn to believe it.
Days will get better,but it is something you have to work on.
I wish there was a magic pill that could erase all memories but their isn't,so it is up to you to figure out a way to make your days get better.
I just want you to know that you are not alone,and use this board for that reason. It helps believe me.
And you might want to think about going to a doctor if you have not already. They can help you with your eating disorder and give you something to help get through the days.

Shy

shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

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It sounds like you got a lot of great advice Emmie. I am so sorry to hear what happned. Your post really touched me. I wish I could give you a hug right now, and make your pain go away. I know what it is like to constantly think about Suicide..then I think..I don't really want to die..I just want the depression, anxiety and stress to go away. I want to be the fun and confident person I used to be to come back. I too suffer from low self esteem because I have been having panic/anxiety attacks every time I start a new job. Sometimes I feel very hopeless. I was wondering, is there any kind of support group you could go to for rape victims? I think hospitals or mental health centers might have a free trauma support group, and I feel it would be helpful to have other people who have gone through the same thing for support..the you wouldn't feel alone. You don't even have to talk..maybe just listen to what others are saying, and go at your own pace..and then talk when you feel more comfortable. Also, are you on any antidepressants? I think a community mental health center could help you. I know that when I was not working and had no health insurance..I was severely depressed and I went to a place that I think every city has called "Family Counseling center"..I explained my situation and was able to get weekly sessions with a social worker for $5.00. I called the National Association for mental Health - their 1-800 number and they referred me to the Family Counseling center..the conference me in while I was on the phone with them and told them I had no insurance and was having a really hard time. I also went to needymeds.com and was able to get antidepressants for very little. That may be helpful - it doesn't have to be permanent..just to help you get through these feelings that you described. You deserve happiness and all the good things that life has to offer.
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Hi Emmie -

I too can relate to your posting. An exboyfriend of mine sexually abused me and attempted to rape me.
Needless to say, I was a wreck afterwards. I got in a car accident a couple of weeks after the attempted rape
and I clearly remember saying to myself, as I was about to hit a parked van going 50+ mph, "**** it. If I'm
gonna die, I'm gonna die". I really didn't see the point of living at that time. All of my friends were also his
friends - we graduated high school together and when I finally got up enough courage to try to talk about the
situation one of them said "Well, I don't care what he did, I'm still gonna be his friend. Don't try to get me to
take your side." I was devestated. And didn't try talk about it anymore. It wasn't until after I dropped out of
college and signed up to be a volunteer rape crisis counselor that I even realized that what had happened was
wrong. (So, you're way ahead of me on that one!) :) It took lots of talking (on my part) with several different
supportive, understanding, and compassionate therapists so that I could stop blaming myself. It almost felt
natural to beat up on myself, since I couldn't beat up on the person who caused me all of the pain. Besides,
blamming myself was easier that blamming anyone else, since I was more than willing to take the blame,
which fed into the depression and the low self-esteem. One of the things that really helped me work through it
was finding one supportive person that I could completely rely on and trust. That person turned out to be my
first ex-finance, who really listened to my grief and comforted me when I had flashbacks. Knowing that he
wasn't going to pressure me was a huge relief.