Update.......................

Diseases & Conditions Bipolar Disorder
1
Hello beeper friends, I went and seen my doc for a physical  and to adjust my meds. I was going to get a referral for a pdoc, but instead I got one for a psychologist. My choice. I broke down, it's just due time. Anyways, I neede the physical for school blah blah.... So he increased my topamax to 200 mg, and added wellbutrin. Only problem  when I got to the pharmacy my doc GP, forgot to specify what type of wellbutrin he wanted me to be on. I think there is 2, SR or XL. So I go back today , and I will talk with him about it . Is there a huge difference like there is in effexor, because that was scary nono .I did fine on effexor xr, but my new insurance wouldn't cover it , so I had to have the other, YIKES MANIA. Anyways, I am out of school after thursday for 3.5 weeks, so I will get to chat more. I hope no one has forgot about me. Kidding. Miss ya guys talk to ya soon!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)     Love , Nickie
     
 P.S. If anyone knows of a good article on how BP, affect society? or The sociological aspect of BP? I have a presentation due wed. I have one article, just would like another. Taht would be great thanks. I know procrastinator.
2

Hey, Nickie!  So glad you're going to try welbutrin.   The XL is the once a day, it's expensive.  If you get the SR you can get it generically, but only in the 100 mg tablets.  Weird, I know.  Usual starting dose is 150 mg once a day, then in a week or so, 150 mg twice a day, so if he writes you for 300 mg a day, there you go.  You can take up to 400 mg a day. 

Since you are on Topamax, you probably won't have any problem with mania, but do start on the 150 mg a day first; it's not recommended to start on a high dose.

There is no difference between XL and SR; only that the SR is twice a day and the XL is once.

If you have a weight problem, you will probably find you don't have a big appetite with welbutrin.  It also makes substances less appealing, haha.

I will look into your subject matter;  I'm the Google queen! yeah

Take care,

Shannon


3
Hi there my beautiful friends! OK, Nickie as far as the Wellbutrin..,lucky you! No sexual side effetics! Go girl!!! Unfortunanatly, I cannot take it as it causes seizures, and u know I have grand mal epilepsy. So, I take Effexor. What is scary about it (just curios)? I take Effexor XR 150 mg. And, just for the record, I took Topamax and I freaked out. I spent 7-8 hours a day staring out the window waiting for the cops (I didnt do anything wrong) to come and put me in jail! Can u say...PSYCHO!!! I then went on Depokote, which I was on for 20 years for my Epilepsy, and it stopped controlling my seizures. So, about 5-10 years later I went on it for my Bi-Polar, and as we all know we have good days and bad days. And I didnt gain any weight from the Depokote. The only problem w/that drug is you have flu-like symptoms (which stinks) and hair loss. I got on pre-natal vitams w/iron (for anemia) and my nails and hair are doing great. One last ? for Nickie and Shannon, if u do not mind me asking...how old are you girls, and where do u live? I am 43 but look like I am 23 (in my dreams...LOL) and I live in Fort Lauderdale, FL, and also Punta Gorda, FL...Gulf coast. I will shut up now! Nickie, how the heck could u think we forgot about you? I lov you, and respect all your help...that goes for you too Shannon. Remember...we are the hottest babes EVER!!!

Love to you both,
Patti ;~)

Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote (250mg x 5per day Keppra (300mg x 4per day, Valium-myolclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg
 
Leg cramps/Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neuontin 300mg 1per day

4
Hi, Patti!  So glad to hear from you, it sounds like you are feeling better!  I know what you mean about the sexual side effects of SSRIs. mad   Man, I went off that crap asap.  Plus, it made me manic, go figure!  Thank God I can take welbutrin.  :-)
 
I would like to know about everybody, too, age and location, etc. 
 
I am 40, live in a suburb of Dallas, TX.  I TRY to look 23, haha!  Not sure about total success, tho! 
 
Shannon
5

Hey hot chicks, I am 27, very close to 28. I hope I look 23, ha ha.I live in the great lakes state , Michigan. about 20 minutes from Ohio. Patti,  I had to get off that effexor it made me feel crazy and manic even having suicidal thoughts to the extreme. This wasn't that long ago either. How you felt on the topomax is how I felt on the effexor.Shannon, the doc started me out 150 mg a day, still have to go and get it from the pharmacy, it's just been so hectic. I don't know if I mentioned that he increased my topomax to 200mg, and I said ok, BUT I won't increase it anymore due to the possible cognitve slowing side effects that could occur. I have been lucky I guess. With school that would tend to be a real issue. Well I will talk to you all soon!!!

   From one hot chick to two others!!! LOL

6

Hi, Nickie -  I am so glad you're going to try it, I sure hope it works for you.  By itself it didn't do the whole job for me, that's when she added Lamictal, then it was good.  I was on 400 mg a day, now I take 300.

How are you both doing today?  I hope you're well.

I hurt my neck really bad and I couldn't move the other night, and I had a freaking panic attack!  15 minutes of hyperventilating and freaking out!  Well, I was lying down and the pain was so bad I couldn't even roll over, much less get up.  (Don't ask how, er, you can probably guess, hehe), anyhoo that was the first time Paul ever saw me have one and he was trying to help me breath slower and stroking my back, but if you ever had one, you know that's impossible.  Bless his heart.  I couldn't think or talk and he finally remembered I said before breathing into a paper bag helps, so he got me one, and by God it did! 

What a total bummer.  Oh, well, at least it happened after, lol!
 
Do you guys get those?  I can get them if I'm in a crowded place, I stay away from malls and markets on the weekend!
 
Anyway, I hope you guys have a really good weekend.   Hopefully you'll be on here.  Paul has to help his brother get the house ready to sell, so he will be gone most of the day tomorrow so I will be here for sure.
 
Later,
 
Shannon 
7
Hey Shannon, sorry to hear of your um..... misfortune. lol Seriously I meant the part well you know what I meant. I do hope your neck is getting better. Sorry about the panic attack , it is kind of good that Paul had to witness that. So know he will know what to do if it ever happens again. I hope he helped you remain calm, I know that probably didn't happen but.... at least he didn't lose control or panic himself . I carry brown paper bags in y car due to my mothers suggestion and request. I freak around lots of people , and bridges. Oh yeah that's like petrifing (sp?)  My mom also thinks that in case I did panic or I was like in an accident they would see my "paper bags" in the car and maybe that would give them a clue . Does that make sense. I never know how to say anything anymore. I avoid the supermarkets too, I get all my fresh stuff in the summer at little market stands on the country roads. They taste better anyways! Malls, I don't even attempt to go there on the weekends. I don't even like taking my daughter to parks after  kids get out of school . I usually take her before noon and always leave before 2pm. Strange huh? I can't stand all the mean kids anyways. My daughter is real petite , and kinda shy. She is just now breaking out of that. That's why I enrolled her into preschool so early, she is very advanced and needed some challenge. Not to mention being the only child I wanted her to learn social skills ( interaction and sharing with other kids). I just can't handle when kids about knock her down and bump into her and not say their sorry. She is just so cute , polite and nice that it makes me mad! Sometimes I want to say something to some of these parents, but I don't. Anyways, I hope all is well in Texas, and here in Michigan we finally get a break from the scorching temp., and humidity! cool How ya doing Patti , are you catching a nice tan in Florida? I can't stand the temp., so I fake bake. Not all the time though , don't want lots of wrinkles when I am older.  I will talk to you all tomorrow!!!  Sorry so long. I am really bored today or I think just relaxing and taking in at all that school is over for a few weeks. ---------------- Nickie
8

OMG Nickie, me too!  A couple of years ago me and my friend were going riding, and we had to haul our horses to this riding trail.  Well, I didn't know there would be a MAJOR long, high up bridge to cross!  I started panicking and I had to stop becuase I couldn't drive.  My friend had to take over.  I didn't even know I had a phobia of bridges, but now I do!  I wonder how many BPs are crowd phobic.  There's this test you can take that tests you for several personality disorders, it's really interesting, and I had fairly high marks in avoidant personality, among others, I ashamed to say.  Seems like everybody (BPs) has that same problem. 

Well, I'm glad you get to kick back for a couple of days and spend time with your daughter.  I'm so sorry she gets pushed around.   She sounds absolutely precious.  I swear most kids are bred to be monsters these days!  Where are their parents??????

Have a good one!

Shannon

 

9

Hi ladies. Happy time off Nickie! You both sound so good. That makes me happy :-)   Unfortunately it has been a nightmare for me these past few days. Just feeling sorry for myself. Wow, a Mall, a bridge you guys have lives? Must be nice! My husband and I are having problems and are thinking of splitting. I really dont think anything else could happen to me. You are so right Shannon, I need help BIG TIME. Just dont know where to start. I have no faith left. I am Epileptic, BP, Colitis, Anemic, (Infertile..I think this is the most hurtful) and the list continues. These steroids I am on for my colitis keep me up all night, finally go to sleep around 5:00am and then sleep helf the day. I just want to get out "there". I want to be a member of society instead of my bed and my laptop. The last pdoc i went to told me I had too much on my plate and to come back when those things (that was when I did the failed in vitros) were sorted out. So, I figured I could get through it (I wasnt always a weak piece of crap). WRONG!! Biggest mistake of my life was to not seek further help. My whole family (The ones in Ohio) has  stopped talking to me. They tell me to stop whining, You dont know how lucky you are! Your husband is a Doctor (big deal) you have endless spending, etc. Well, guess what...when u dont have a life or ever leave the house, what the hec good dos the money do, except pay for my meds and insurance!!!! I have no friends (local). My sister and my neice were my life (being that my husband is never around, cant blame him I hate me too) until a couple weeks ago they went to Ohio and I got mad at my sister. They (her husband and her) didnt want me to join them there which would have been so good for me. She didnt say so..but I know she didnt want me to join them up there as when Patti is around, there is always an argument. See they dont understand that I hate me more than they do! And, I WISH it didnt have to be that way. They refuse to believe it is a disease not a choice, which is why they hate me, because they think it is my choice to be or not to be a b*t*h. That is all I ever do is either get mad or cry. So, I have no one to blame but myself that I am alone and sick. As soon as I open my eyes in the a.m. I start  to cry. You guys I dont think that is the way it is supposed to be. I hate myself so bad. I havent had a mani/pedi, wax or hair color for weeks. I used to NEVER be that way. And even tho my family and now my husband have given up on me, I still am too weak to end this pain, I want to so bad, but I am afraid of the afterlife.. I try to live by "It will get better", then something else bad happens. "Tomorrow is another day", but in my world the feelings are always the same, they never change to "a good day" it is the same day. I know I am the only one that can help me, but can u direct me on how to find a good pdoc? 

Please help,

Patti mad

Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote (250mg x 5per day) Keppra (300mg x 2 per day), Valium-myolclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg take for Bi-Polar and Depression
 
Bi-Polar (2-4 years) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Leg cramps/Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day

10
Hi, Patti
 
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  I used to be just like that, mad or sad, but usually mad and a total ***** to the people closest to me.  That's the nature of the disease, but instead of making excuses for it, you need to get your meds right, cos they aren't.  I think getting off Effexor would be the place to start.  It's not for bipolars, it causes mania (the kind that makes us crazy and mad at the world). 
 
You are physically sick mostly because your head is a mess.  Instead of complaining how you're so sick,  get your head straight with a good pdoc (you have money, you can be picky) and don't sit back and just go along for the ride.  Work with him.  I used to have IBS, back pain, neck pain, chronic gastritis (vomiting and diarrhea) and migraines that cost me many days from work, to the point I was always being "talked to" about it.   Funny thing, when I got stable, I haven't had so much as a cold.  Amazing.  Those disorders are driven by mental status. So is colitis.  The epilepsy, well that's different, but it's easily controlled.
 
When you can think past how bad you feel, you will be able to work on your problems and issues.  People know you have a mental disorder, but they do get tired of hearing you justify treating them like crap by using that excuse, because it is something you CAN do something about.
 
I am sorry if I pissed you off by being so blunt, but we tend to get so caught up in how bad we feel, we keep expecting people to just understand it's not our fault, and they don't understand.  It's kind of a cop out.
 
I am soooooo glad you are realizing you need to work on getting better.  But saying "I'm too weak" will only assure you failure.  If you think you can't, you won't.  There IS help if you stick with it diligently and  work closely with your doc.  Yes, it can take some time, but it doesn't have to take a year or two.  In the span of 5 months, I had been on 3 mood stabilizers and 2 antipsychotics, not to mention stopping the Lexapro (similar to Effexor) I was on that made me even more manic.   By the 5th month, I was stable.  That's what I mean by working with the doc.  If I had just kept taking meds that made me feel like crap, I would have just been depressed and wallowing in it.  I don't have time or energy for that s**t, and I  don't intend to live my life that way, continuing to hurt the ones I love.  You just tell the doc a month or so after a med, if it is really bothering you, or you're not getting stable (or less depressed), call him.  Try something else.  Don't let yourself get completely in an episode, high or low, because then it will take even longer to get something else to work.  I hope that makes sense.  If you drink at all, STOP!  That will only make your depression deeper and your mood swings worse. 
 
I could probably sit and type all day giving you tips, but the point is, you have got to give a s**t about yourself, even if you don't think you or anyone else does.   You would be surprised how fast they welcome you with open arms when you become the sweet person you really are deep down.  She's in there!  You have to dig a little to find her.
 
I really do care, Patti, because I do feel your pain, we all do.  But there is light at the end, everybody can get there if they try, and besides, you have us here to talk about the good and bad of your journey!   That's awesome, because we understand and we want to see you succeed.  We will always support you!
 
Oh well, enough rambling for now!
 
Talk to you soon! smurf
 
Shannon
11
Shannon, for the record I am not pissed at you! I just think u do not understand me. I have not ever heard u say that u hate yourself so bad that u cannot even look at yourself! Nor, have I hears u say that u r friendless. Also, I haven't heard u say that your family has let u go. . And, u have a wonderful husand. I used to, but now he wants a divorce. I haven't heard u say that u want to commit suicide everydaay. But, all that said I need to know how to find a good/great pdoc. I feel that u r angry with me, and that hurts me. Because I consider you a friend, but I am not sure that u feel the way about me. I think that maybe u think I am a total loser. All that said I hope I am wrong. Like I said, I am not pissed at you. But, I feel that u r annoyed at me, and fed up wit me. I understand if u do not want anything more to do with me. I hope you are happy and healthy. And not to mentin you get better.

Sorry for my personality,
Patti

Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote (250mg x 5per day) Keppra (300mg x 2 per day), Valium-myolclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg take for Bi-Polar and Depression
 
Bi-Polar (2-4 years) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Leg cramps/Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day

12

OMG Patti, NO!  I am not annoyed with you!   And I have been where you are before, I have had all that happen at some point!   You only know the "stable" me; I was sick my whole life until last year.  And I have lost plenty of relationships, friends, family, men because of it.  I didn't even realize how much at fault I was until I did get well, for lack of a better word, right?  But that's what I meant by saying when you get back in your right mind, your loved ones will almost always welcome you back gladly!  

Sometimes, since voice inflection doesn't come across in text, it might look like I'm being mean.  I dont mean to sound that way, I give lots of people the reality check, but it sounds better in person than on paper, I guess, as some of what I say is tongue in cheek.  It's hard to explain.   If I didn't care, or was tired of you, etc.  Would I take the time and effort to write you?  To try to help you see what you aren't able to see in your state right now?  Thats what I am trying to do, abeit in a rather blunt way, I'm sorry for that, it's my personality.  Hey, I did read recently that BPs are blunt!  I think we even mentioned it here before.  Anyhoo, I do care, I did try to make that evident in saying you always have us to talk to, we care and we can try to help.  I think some of that is your state of mind; depression always makes us see only the dark things. 

Please don't be hurt; it wasn't meant to be like that, only to help and also to give you some hope that it CAN be done.  I think you're awesome because you haven't done the "deed".  That shows you have strength right there. 

Please accept my apology, I sure didn't mean to come across the way you thought, OK?  

13

Hi, Patti, how are you doing today? 

You didn't respond to my last post, so I take it you're mad at me, or still hurt?  I'm worried.  I really want to be friends with everyone, and I am so sorry that I sounded the way i did, it wasn't my intention.  I get very passionate (another trait BPs usually don't ever lose, along with bluntness, haha) about trying to help people.  In my experience of talking to patients about it (never had any bipolar friends before), lots of times a really blunt, cards on the table approach, (but not with any anger or annoyance intended) would work, at least give them some hope and incentive to try harder.  That's what I was trying to acccomplish with you.  Like I said, if I didn't care, I wouldn't taken the time away from my husband (I never really do any posts anywhere on weekends, as he has asked me not to) to respond to your post.  And it took about 25 minutes to do that one.  So I guess I don't care? Hmmmmmm.  Not!

I really wish you would respond today, I would like to hear from you, OK?

Shannon

14
Hi Shannon. You are who you are and I am who I am. Who that is I guess I do not know. I do know that at this point in my life I needed somewhere I could go and be accepted and understood. I thought I could get that here. Especially from you and Nicki. I just felt that we "clicked". But, Shannon I am just too sensitive for all this bluntness. I never said or thought you didnt care. But lets be real.....WE DONT EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER!!
1. What do you do and what do I do? Are you a psyciatrist nurse? I dont work due to my health.
2. Do you or I (I guess u know I dont as I am infertile) have children?
3. Am I indeed BiPolar 1 or 11, or just severely depressed?

There are more, but I just cant stop crying long enough to think straight. Shannon it is not you, but me. I have been like this since I was a little girl. And while I dont want to make you feel bad or guilty, I cant handle some of the things you say. Yes, my family has given up on me. But do you honestly think that I came here to have u say that they are tired of it and I can do something about it! And when I get back in my right mind they will welcome me back??????? I guess I dont understand. I need support from my family NOW, not when I am well! All that said, I am just feeling that maybe this isnt the place for me. It is just too painful. I am a sensitive girl who would do anything for anybody. My colitis is acting up and I need to go. I will talk to you later.
By the way, my illnesses are "real", not in my head. They wont go away with a pdoc.
Take care,
Patti;~)

Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote (250mg x 5per day) Keppra (300mg x 2 per day), Valium-myolclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg take for Bi-Polar and Depression
 
Bi-Polar (2-4 years) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Leg cramps/Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day

15
:-)   Woh... Hot chicks come on. Patti i honestly think you just misinterpreted Shannon, although she does come off pretty blunt when life is going pretty rough already. Shannon means well. I love ya both, and have also felt like Shannon was alittle blunt at first, until I chatted with her. Then after reading some of my own posts , I am like wholy s***, I sound the same way, it's the BP talkin.LOL Anyways, Patti, I am concerned sweetie. Maybe Shannon came off to strong. Let me see if I can say what she wanted to a little more delicately, since I seem to be under the impression that you are on a downward end of some icky depression. Rememeber, I wasn't there too long ago. I think that people get sick of hearing about BP as an excue, they think you can control it, because they have never lived it. They can't seem to figure out , that we really don't like to flip flop back and forth in moods, it's tiresome. My friends and family also used to think and possibly still due (my brother) that this is all a figment of my imagination. I hate it , and sometimes hate him for his insensitivity, and lack of knowledge. I am truly sorry for you and your husband. I thought things were maybe going a little better. Dah? Just because you didn't mention it, doesn't mean it is better. I know that Shannon just wants to see everyone well, as she said she has been through this. All we know her is as stable. I commend her for that. I am not, and neither are you Patti, but that doesn't mean we all can't help each other. Please don't go! I think you brighten up this forum, even if you are feeling bad, just one little comment, can make me smile. :-) I am supportive of any decision you make, but you NEED to stay on here so I know you are making decisions. I am here to listen and offer support. Please write back!!!!!!!       with love Nickie :-) :-)
16
Patti you posted as I was writing. We were on at the same time. I am offering all the support I can give you sweetie. Sometimes, just ask me a direct question though, I think my mind gets confused when reading posts. about your sister and your niece, so why are they mad at you or do just think they are. I have a problem thinking people are mad when really they have no clue what I am talking about. Has your husband been home with you at all, since the last time you posted about him? This is out in left field, do you have any dogs? It is a good way to make small steps to get outside without being in shock. Like taking the dog for a short walk, and maybe a little longer the next day. Umm.....trying to remember wht else you talked about, oh yeah, a pdoc, can't help ya with that hun, I don't see one. Will your husband go to therapy with you, with you go alone? Not just for marriage stuff but personal things you may need to speak of? Do you ever get mad or just sad? I usually box in the air or something like Tae bo, helps relieve the stress or anger I have inside. If you want to talk , I will be back on tonight, I have to run my CPR training slip to college and pick up my daughter from daycare. ---------- Still Here, Nickie :-)
17
Hi, Patti, I am truly sorry you feel that way.  I think I have tried very hard to explain my intention in my post to you, that it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings, only to help motivate you. 
 
I never said your illnesses were "all in your head".  I said they are driven (made much worse) by depression, stress, anxiety and mania.  Our minds have a LOT to do with illnesses.  When we get better in the mind, the illnesses become much less bothersome, and can even go away, and that is a fact.  There are studies that prove even cancer survivors who went into treatment with a positive "I'm going to beat this" attitude more often than not did beat it, even stage 4 cancer.  (The deadliest).  The ones who are convinced they are going to lose the battle usually do.  If it can work for cancer, it can work for migraines and stomach issues as well. (Again, I mean reduced symptoms and many times no symptoms left).
 
So you think I don't understand??????????  Honey, I have been seriously ill with this since GRADE SCHOOL!  I just didn't know, and of course my parents just thought I was a bad kid.  I was repeatedly beaten with a leather strap on bare skin until I had welts and bruises, or anything else handy.   I was beaten for making a C.  If my dad came home in a bad mood (which he usually did, as he is also bipolar) he would think of a reason to beat me.  Not ever my sis, tho, no.  I was terrifed of him and dreaded every night when he came home .  Along with that, I was emotionally abused as well, always being told I would amount to nothing, I didn't apply myself, no incentive to do better in anything except fear.    No love, no affection from either (always working) parents and I wanted that desperately.   My mom just did what he said and always backed him, never ever once defended me.  She beat me occasionally too.   My behaviour in social situations of any kind was so weird and inappropriate, I could never make friends.  The ones I made later on in high school didn't understand me, either.  Top it off with borderline personality disorder that I still suffer from (unrealistic fear of abandonment, unreasonable expectations and demands on friends, family, etc.) that I will never get over.    No I wasn't sexually abused, but that was enough to f*** me up in a thousand ways. 
 
No kids, didn't want them, am in no shape to be a mother then or now.  My 2 dogs are my kids, I love them dearly.  
 
Work?  I guess you didn't know I am disabled now, in spite of being "stable".  It's fragile at best.  One big stress and I am manic.  One serious dissapointment and I start in on depression.   I have to practically live in a carefully controlled low stress environment.  That or constantly radically changing my meds, which don't work immediately as you know.  I loved my occupation dearly and I resisted disability for 3 years all the while my pdoc telling me I had to.  Well, the stress landed me in the hospital one too many times, so I did.  It sucked to have to swallow my pride and admit I couldn't do it anymore. 
 
I have no love for my father, as he has continued to belittle me well into adulthood, always judging the way I live and telling me I am a f**kup regardless of what I do.  I think he said he was proud of me when I finished school.  BTW, I goofed off the first semester of college and made a 2.5 GPA, so that was the end of school paid for by my parents.  When I was serious about going, I had to work full time, support myself living alone (moved 2 states away at 21 by myself) making $8 an hour with a car payment on top of everything else and go to school right after work every night of the week until 10:30 p.m. then commute home.  I slept on my lunch breaks instead of eating.    It was darn hard.
 
Like I said, I have lost lots of people, I have no friends now except Paul.  I am not out there having a great time with my friends.  Thank God Paul is my best friend, I did get extremely lucky there.  BTW this is my 3rd marriage.  Divorced twice by age 21.  Believe it.
 
Hate myself?  Good god, yes.  Every single day that I was mean to Paul or anyone, I hated myself for it.  You can't take back abusive words and actions, only apologize and hope it didn't scar them too much.  I don't have to tell you that.    I bankrupted us!  How many people can deal with that?  I think about that 47K I charged up in 3 months and cannot believe that was me; I was always meticulous about credit.  It makes me hate myself even more.  My poor husband didn't deserve to go from perfect credit, home, two cars, etc.  to bankrupt.    Oh, and did I tell you I ran off with some sleazy guy 5 years ago?  The guy was psycho, so was I.  It turned dangerous, he was basically holding me hostage,  threatened me with a knife if I ever left him because he "loved" me so much. He took over my car, my cell phone, cut all contact off with everybody who called, including Paul.   All I could think about was wanting to be home with Paul.  He never ever slept, and if he did nap he slept with my phone.  I couldn't leave any room (stayed in different hotel every night) because he would wake up.   He stole my only credit card out of my purse while I was in the shower and spent a LOT of money.  This went on for 12 days.  Driving all day long, stay at a hotel every night.  I didn't realize I was paying for it.  Found out, he was an ex con, professional con artist.  Luckily I did get away and called the cops, they arrested him, I called Paul (it was 2 in the a.m.) and begged him to take me back.  He did.  There's more I have done, horrible things, but too much to even start!
 
So I haven't had anything really bad happen, I don't understand?   I do.  I'm sorry if I'm blunt, I don't mean anything by it, that's just me.  I just don't want those kinds of things to happen to other people, not to mention committing suicide,  when help is there.  Please don't leave the forum.  I do care, even tho I don't know you personally.  I wouldn't have answered your post if I didn't.
 
Sorry for the rambling, thanks for listening. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
18
Oh Shannon....PLEASE forgive me sad I am so sorry. Honey, I love you, but I just felt that u didnt feel the same way. From the beginning of joining this forum, I felt so close to you and Nicki. I was such a b*t*h to you and I am BEGGING for your forgivness redface Honey, I could tell you storis upon storis about the f*c*ness I have done in my life as well. I cannot express on this post how sorry I am. Shannon, I love you and Nicki, not to mentioon need you. I hopethat u r proud of me as I spent most of the afternoon (except when I was on the toilet 4-ever...LOL) Looking for a pdoc .That is why I am so frigneted to leave my house...LOL! anyway, can we make-up? I need u honey. Not to mention respect you yeah I have go eat now, but I will talk to u tomorrow. Dont worry if I dont get on the board until 11-12. Remember the steriods keep me up until around 4-5 in the morning.
 
Shannon, I love you and pray that we can put this all behid us,
 
Talk to you tomorrow...Patti scool

Epilepsy (31 years) Depakote (250mg x 5per day) Keppra (300mg x 2 per day), Valium-myolclonic jerks PRN/as neeed 
 
Colitis (5years)  Donnatal, Entocort EC 3mg (3 a day, started 7/14/05)
 
Infertility (20 years)
 
Migraines/daily headaches (5 years) Fioricet w/Codeine
 
Depression (4ever) Effexor 150mg take for Bi-Polar and Depression
 
Bi-Polar (2-4 years) Depakote and Effexor 150mg
 
Leg cramps/Restless leg syndrome (3 years) Neurontin 300mg 1per day

19

Oh, Nickie I forgot to say to you, thank you for trying to decipher what I was saying, you say it better.  I wish I had your style of talking (or writing as the case may be).  Oh, well.  Just chalk it up to another one of my faults, I have a looooonnnnnnggggg list. sad

20
 Shannon, get outta here. I think you have been through way more in your life than mine. Although I have been through alot myself. I think that is the only way you know how to express what you mean or feel. My dad is very blunt, and I am very over emotional , so I was trying to say that maybe Patti is that way right now. I wish I could be more blunt, I grew up on fearand intimidation. (grades too). I was also told if I got a C that I was dumb, and underachiever blah... When I got into college my dad always had control over everything, how long my phone conversations were, what time I would come home, where I was going etc..... Well at 20 this got real f**** old, so I moved out and moved in with Jason. That was the end of my tuition that my parents paid for. He didn't speak to me for almost a year, because I moved out with my boyfriend. Whom I am still with and have a beautiful child with. In high school, when he found out I had sex, he called me a ****, *****, and I will end up pregnant before I graduate. HMmmm.. never happened and I graduated high school with a 4.0.I wanted to say what about you? Your a drunk , were physical with my mom once, beat the s*** outta my brother, demeaning to me and my mom, verbally abusive a drunk, a liar, adrug addict... and he never graduated , quit his senior year! Oh it makes me mad. Ya know WHen I moved out that first year I went to Vegas and played in my first pool tournament there. Placed 32 out of like 1000 woman. I also played in Florida and took first. These things he don't remember. He's always saying things  about how much I hurt him, all the crapty boyfriends I had. What the f****? Makes fun of me still being in college, calling me a professional student. I switched majors a few times.  ....................... So I too have been some crap too, and heaven forbid my mom spoke up she would hear it for days. I never wanted her to say a word, it wasn't her fault he was a f***** drunk! I guess I can be blunt when it comes to my one experience, but I am way too emotional to tell anyone else. I thank my great father for all the fear and intimidation he put in. And don't forget about my b/f list, gun to the head, being kidnapped, was cheated on ...... Whatever, sometimes it feels good to let it out. I keep everything in and that's my fault, it is my fault I allowed my dad to make me feel too emotional still after all these years. It is so hard to get your point across on these boards, we can't "feel" what people are trying to say or write. Let's start again ladies and remember we are all here to help and we all just want the best for others, some are just already where we want to be . Congratulate, and look forward to that day in ourselves. Thanks for hearing my extremely long mightmare!!!!!! eyes             Nickie    Shannon, it is not a fault, I would call it an added bonus to the other great things about you. Patti, we are here!!!!!