Vent...sometimes things just suck.

Diseases & Conditions Bipolar Disorder
1
Okay, I know I am not known here, as I just found this site yesterday. However, I think it would be great to have support in people who know and live with BP as well. It is so hard to find those that understand, and even then, its at a price...
 
Anyway, Im 18, recently diagnosed with BP 2, which wasnt surprising considering family history. We've seen it comming for years, but until recently the docs were apprehensive to name it that, and i was resistant to being classified as a BP. TO make a long story short, I am just getting to a point of learning to get through the bad times...and we are still trying to stabilize meds. I dont react the same to most of the meds out there, though, so it has been a very difficult road as of late.
 
So yesterday, I came searching for something, some kind of logical information, support, anything and found this site. I am hoping it will in some way help me just get through.
 
This week has been horrible. I just transitioned from a hypo-manic stage back into depression, as has been the weekly theme for the last month. This time has, however, been worse. I dont know why..maybe its just a bad week, or more stressful in some way, or the forboding of next week. I couldnt tell anyone.This morning I woke up dragging, wanting to blow work, and everthing else off and sleep all day long. Now, this want isnt unusual, we all dream of it...but today my body joined the party, and nothing wanted to work or move. Just thinking hurts...and the more i try to be positive and tell myself i will come out of it, the worse things are getting.
 
Usually when i feel myself hitting this stage, starting to spin out of control, and thinking irrationally for the thousandth time, I find some way to cope, or if all else fails, call my psychologist, who always has something new to offer me. However, coping isnt doing it this week, and i cant just call and run for help this time (stupid insurance companies...i guess i should have tried harder before.)
 
So I guess there really isnt a point in posting this...there is no question and little to actually respond to. I just wish i knew how to cope. My life is only getting busier and more stressful by the day, and here i am...killing myself inside-out. 
 
I hope that all of you are having better days! And I hope to get to know some of you. If nothing else, a small vent should be somewhat theraputic. Send it into cyberspace for a while,...right?
 
Thanks y'all.
 
Rock 
 
 
2

Hi, Rock

I am so sorry you're suffering - your hurting to think and the body not wanting to move is something called leaden paralysis, it's the hallmark sign of depression in bipolars.  Clinical depression doesn't have this lovely trait, special, huh?   I've had it so bad couldn't even bathe every day, just stay in bed and think about it, just coudln't move, and I did say i felt like I was made of lead!  It went on for two months.

You are cycling really fast, hon, and it happens every year about this time, fall and spring are horrible for our mood swings.

Are you taking Lamictal?  If you aren't, you should ask your doc about it; it's a mood stablizer that actually helps keep you from going down, not up!  It saved my life last year, I was on a three week vacation on the couch - again and was terrified, so she put me on that and i haven't had *knocking on wood* another depressed episode since last Nov. 

I know the bad part of BP sucks big time, but there is a lot of good in it, too.   Read the thread "If I had the choice to be bipolar....." and you may gain some very positive feelings about it.  Not saying that "positive thinking" will help you at this point, we all know it doesn't and I'm not being some Pollyanna who is trying to cheer you up that way!  I hate that! mad

There are some really good people here to talk to, and we all understand how you feel cos we have ALLL been there a time or two.  I'm 40 and have dealt with this crap since early childhood, but didn't decide to medicate until 1.5 yrs ago.

I hope you will stick around, I hope we can all help you through this time.

Shannon :-)

Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

3

Hey there,

Just wanted to "welcome you to the club" - pardon the pun :)

You have found one of the best places for support and I hope that you'll come to realize some of the comfort that I've been privildged to find here. Right now, you're probably going through one of the most difficult aspects of BP - being diagnosed and trying to come to grips with it all. I'm in the same boat as you - diagnosed BP II about two years ago. More often than not, I'm glad that I was able to find a conclusive diagnosis so that I could finally find some relief from the madness. Not to say that there aren't those days when you would rather be more average, but at least with a dianosis, there is a way through.

I wish you luck in your journey and to know that this is a place where you are among people who understand what it is to live with BP. You are brave to be facing this with such maturity and intelligence.

Best wishes!

Putter

4
Ahhhh leaden paralysis I know thee well…….I am very familiar with that slippery slope that you are now negotiating!! Hi, I’m Sandra, BP 1, rapid cycler.

I thought that if I just got on the right meds I would be impervious to this. I would be happy all the time and able to cope with whatever came my way. Not so. I am, finally, on the right cocktail, but still, as any normal person I do go up and down. The cocktail does keep me pretty much in the middle most of the time. Unfortunately, I do occasionally go too far south and too far north for my liking!! And, this time of year is the worst, the absolute worst for me for keeping any kind of balance. I’m finding that I too am spending most of my day fighting the urge to just crawl back in to bed and pull the covers up over my head. Fortunately thanks to the meds I am able to fight it enough to actually function in a day to day kind of way.

I’m sorry that this has been so difficult for you. I wish that I could offer some words of wisdom that would be super encouraging. I can say that it will pass, and may I suggest a SAD light or two in you room. Do hang in there; the right combo of meds is out there for you. This I can promise you. It just takes time, and even though I know that right now the time seems endless, it’s not. Educated yourself on what meds are available to you. That is very important. You should be participating in your treatment to insure that you are getting your needs met. I personally take abilify, trileptal, wellbutrin and lexapro. For me and some of my friends it is the magic combination, or at least the abilify, trileptal, and wellbutrin. Overall BP’s shouldn’t be taking an SSRI, which lexapro is. And for goodness sake NEVER feel bad about calling you pdoc or your therapist for help. I understand about not being able to go in all the time, it’s too expensive, but you can call them for advice on how to battle the leaden paralysis. Don’t suffer where you don’t have to.

I wish you the best and keep posting. We are there for you.

Sandra

BP brings new meaning to Life's Little Ups and Downs

5
I would like to thank you all for your quick and friendly responses. I really needed to hear all of the things that you all said. It helped me a lot last night to be able to read those before bed, and not dread the next day AS much. It has also helped me today, just to get up and get through work without frekaingofreaking out at anyone.
 
Now, because I havent replied to everyone after they told me things, Im going to do that, only all in this one post. So here goes...hope you all dont mind it.
 
 
psychnurse: First off thanks for telling me about the leaden pararalysis. Ive never heard of it, but thats sure what it felt like, and it makes sense to me. And yes, I tend to cycle very fast when I do. I rarely have episodes longer than a few weeks, but I cycle faster at the change of seasons, (as far as Ive noticed...and my psychologist tells me this also...shes known ive had this much longer than i have if that makes any sense.). Anyway, Im not on Lamatical, right now Im doing a 2 month trial run on Depakote and Effexor (both at very low levels, i only respond to low levels it seems). Anyhow, thats where I am now, I got back to my pdoc in roughly a month, and then I will have to see. These meds do help me, but I dont feel stabilized enough. Maybe im just expecting too much? Hmmmm...i cant decide. Anyhow, I really appreciated your post. i almost cried when i read it. I never have felt that understood before, EVER. Even from family who are bipolar - they still just tell me to suck it up. You are awesome. Hope to hear from you again soon.
 
Putter: Thanks for your welcome! I am so excited ot have found this. I really think it will help me out. Yes, this time is very hard. I have known it was comming, and its good to finally have a solid answer, a road to go by, if you could call it that - but its hard, especially knowing some of the struggles that may come with it, not only for me, but for those around me. I feel worse for them than for myself. Thanks again, for your words of encouragement!
 
Sandra: Yeah, Ive never experience Leaden paralysis till just yesterday, very odd feeling. Luckily, i wasnt as bad this morning, but my my, its odd. I appreciate your support. I know this road wont be easy, its already been hard, but I know that meds can help me out some, and i can find a way to do the rest, we all do. I plan on getting a few of those lights. I love being in my room, and i know my mother would appreciate a happier daughter around, so we will work that one out. As far as meds go, Ive already stated that Im on Depakote and Effexor. I took Welbutrin and Lexapro for a while, Welbutrin was great, until i started reacting to it badly and it made me sicker than sick, and Lexapro never did anything for me or against me really. So im not sure in what direction I will go with meds. I have odd reactions to about everythin, so im not the easy patient there. Then agian, are any of us? lol. Again, i really really appriciate your support. Thanks.
 
 
You all are so nice, and ahve helped so much already. My day isnt all better, far from it, but its not quite so BLACK. I really appreciate the support and suggestions. If any others come to mind, please be free tolet me know!
 
BTW, do any of you have any strategies to getting to sleep at night? I dont sleep well anymore, and im not functioning well on this 4 hours a night thing, and im sure some of you get less than that. If you know of anything, it would be great. Im sick of being scared to go to sleep, and im even more sick of knowing i wont sleep anyhow.
 
See ya later
 
Rock
 
 
 
 
6
Rock! Glad to see you back and to hear that you're feeling not quite so alone in all of this. If its any consolation, you sound like you've got an excellent running start at this whole thing.
 
I too am on 180mg depakote and recently weaned off 75mg of Effexor and I am also ultrasensitive to the medication. My dr is always surprised that any of my medications are working when he get my blood tests back. Its only in the last two months that I've been able to sleep well so I've been through all the insanity of insomnia many times over.
 
I eventually got a prescription for Zopiclone and it turned out to be the miracle cure since I only need a half of the smallest dosage for it to work. It was the only way I could get a decent rest for a while, and for me it wasn't habit forming. Now I just use it when needed. The big downer for me was the awful, awful taste that it left for days in my mouth. 

Otherwise I need to completely baby myself - like everyone else here, and stick to a pretty strict schedule - sounds lame - I know :)   The big trick for me is having a warm bath or shower everynight. I'm told that as your body cools off its supposed to help signal your body that its time to sleep. I don't really care how, but I know that for me it works well. Same with warm milk - I know that it doesn't sound all that appetizing, but there are chemicals released in milk when its warmed that help you to get to sleep.
 
Best of luck to you with everything and keep us posted on how you make out :)
Putter
7

Hi, Rock!

I'm so glad you feel some better just knowing lots of people suffer just like you, in exactly the same way.  It does help.  When I started meds, I crashed, becuase I lived in a perpetual state of mania (true mania, with delusions and psychosis) and they had to bring me down, fast.  Never in all my years of it (almost 41 now) did I have a bout with serious depression until then, it lasted about 2 months, i had no support group, Paul at that time really didn't understand, he thought I was just unhappy about taking meds.   He would do the ol' "thnk positive thougths" routine - aaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!  But now he totally understands, well, as much as a non BP can, lol.  I wish I would have had this place to go to, although I was way to weak to even get to the bathroom, so i wouldn't have really been able to type come to think of it. All I thought of all day every day was suicide and i had NEVER considered that before! 

To help bring you out of depression, you should maybe ask your doc about starting Lamictal, it's an epilepsy med used for BP depression, it acts as a stabilizer and antidepressant that actually keeps you from going down, that and wellbutrin together seem to be the safest combo and IMO the most effective.  They are the  preferred antidepressant therapy for BP, SSRIs such as Effexor can easily cause mania, esp if not used with VERY adequate mood stabilizer, and Lamictal and Effexor won't stop it.  Depakote might, but it's still a risk, then you would have to be brougth out of it and possibly crash again.  Plus, it usually loses its effectiveness after a while, most SSRIs do, while Lamictal  rarely does because it doens't work the same way.  It saved my life and many others, too. 

And Putter is sooooooo right about babying yourself and sticking to a strict time schedule, when you are off it, it greatly affects the mood in a negative way ESPECIALLY sleep schedules.  Try to go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time, too, exercise helps mood tremendously when the paralysis lets up enough to at least take a very short, brisk walk, do whatever you can do for the time being.  Eat well, avoid sugar and caffeine and esp alcohol. Any mood altering substances, including foods, will make the swings worse. 
 
Lastly DO NOT WAIT until your next appt!!!!!!! nono skull    When you are having problems, and you still are, you call the doc!   It's vital to getting and staying well.  That's what they are getting paid for and they wont always make you come in, you will probably need either something added, discontinued or the dosage changed, that is an ongong part of treatment, it never stays the same.  Even when "stable" you can run into cycling, esp fall and spring as you know.  Do the babying, calling the pdoc and scheduling and you will be the best you can be esp during the change of seasons.
 
I hope this does help.  Putter, excellent point I often over look, but very vital.
 
Glad you're back!
Shannon

Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

8
Wow, so much to remember. LOl. Im used to changing meds and all that, but im still learning here and sometimes it seems there is soo much to learnd that it seems almost overwhelming at times, but hey, I need to learn about it, and i appreciate your support, suggestions, and advice. I really need them right now.
 
Yeah, I tend to stick to sleeping schedules most the time anyway, my body prefers it that way, and my job requires it now. I get up at 4 in the morning, so if im not consistant on when i got to bed i miss too much sleep to handle anything. The biggest problem Ive been having started with dreams, and now consists of interupted sleep all night long. Im not getting my beloved REM. Oh boy...but I did sleep last night finally, and my body feels a slight improvement with it, along with my mood.
 
As far as food...hmmm, good point. Thanks for that advice. I never really thought of it. I mean, most of it isnt a problem. I dont drink any kind of alcohol, or coffee. Rarely I have a caffeinated drink to stay awake through work or just to ebb a stressful day. Other than that, chocolate may be a problem...lol. Anyway, its good advice. One more reason to not drink, huh?
 
Now, Im going to go, and call my pdoc, and at least set up an appt. And my therapist too, because im due for one, and the insurance isnt being stupid anymore.
 
Thanks again for all your support. Ill be around, and update you on how things are going. Hopefully a new week will help me some, although im hoping it wont mean mania again. uggh....lol.
 
See ya all around.
 
Rock
 
 
9
Hey - did the dreams start, or intensify, when you began the Effexor? I hate to rag on the stuff since it saved my career in my darkest moments, but it gave me wicked dreams. Not really nightmares as much as ultra-vivid dreams that were hard to distinguish from reality. It lasted a long time and made getting any amount of rest hard since I was so exhausted from dreaming all night. It was a break though from the state of constant upset I had endured until I started the med. The dreaming eventually subsided, but if there are a bunch of things that aren't adding up be sure and let your doc know. Overall - I was super lucky at the time, considering the state I was in when I started the effexor. I had been first diagnosed as depressed, hence the anti-d. The BP diagnosis came a year later. I did however end up suffering through an adjustment period of intense yawning spells, ringing in my ears, electric shockies, heartburn, etc. but to be fair, Effexor gave me enough sanity to make it through the day.
 
And you have all of my respect for being able to get out of bed that early in the morning. It takes every ounce of committment I have to get myself moving on time in the morning and I thought that 6:30 was early ;)
 
Take Care!
Putter
10

Hi, Rock!  How are you feeling?  I am in the same boat, not sleeping and feeling sooooooooo tired and blah.   Getting around 5-6 hours a night and that is LOADED with Seroquel, Trileptal, Klonopin and Abilify at bedtime.  That would knock a small pony in the dirt, for gods sake.  I just don't understand it, but night before last i slept 8 hours and man i felt AWESOME yesterday.  But, not last night, back to the grind. 

I'm glad you called your pdoc, gotta get on top of things at the first sign before they get bad, and then it's hard to get back and takes much longer.  You'll learn the signals, and if you're lucky you can "train" your SO or family member to learn the warnings and watch you, since we dont' always know what's happening. 

I'm soooo glad you don't drink; it's about the worst possible thing you can do for mood - it will put you down for days or weeks after, not fun.   Speaking from personal experience here, too, had a huge problem before meds.  Now, not even tempted because I know what will happen............
 
I'm just really glad you found this place when you needed it most, it does help!
 
Shannon

Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

11

You have those vivid dreams too? Wow, I just thought that i was insane. You described exactly what mine are. So vivid, real, and scary, you cant distringuish them from reality when you wake up, and most days tehy left me sour and terrified. I can tell you colors and images, things that I never would have imagined I would ever dream about, things sooo disturbing, not nightmares, just realisticly disturbing dreams that leave me completely drained. I wonder if it started with the Effexor. I really dont know. I started it about 8 months ago as I recall, but it seems likely that it could be related. Ill have to check into it. Luckily, they havent been as bad, but they are still there at times...Yeah, I have really liked Effexor, hasnt seemed to give me any side effects (unless this is linked) and it has dramatically helped me. The combo im on right now doesnt feel right for me, ive done much better at other times, but Im just confused on that front. I know it takes time.

Thanks for the compliment. A good job is worht an early morning.

See ya later! thanks for your help also. Getting rid of those dreams would be nice...

Rock

 

 

 

12
Well, Ive been okay. Today was a hard day. I was almost rear-ended, but changed lanes right before that. When the kid in the car in front of us had a seizure i was sure i was going to have a panic attack, just for the fact that i could have been in that accident, and i felt guilty for the fact that i wasnt at the same time. It was odd. The weather was very rainy today, (HATE THAT!) and i came down sick with whatever my friend gave me that they canty figure out. But here I am, waiting for another day, and chugging along. I keep telling myself it will get better, and eventually, even if its in a year, it will. At least I am up and goign. i wanted to stay in bed, but made myself get up, it always seems to go better even when i dont feel good. So thats what i forced myself to do taday.

How are you?

Yeah, 6 hours is my max these days. I have a hard time doing my work, my eyes dont like to focus. And even when i get 6 horus or so, im waking up five times, so it doesnt help all that much. Its frustrating, but im trying to find ways to cope. Then there are the dreams...fun fun! IM sorry you arent sleeping well either. Its so hard. And people wonder why we cant "just snap out of it" lol. I like to tell them that if they couldnt sleep, they wouldnt be normal either. Along with a slew of other comments. I need to be nicer, i really do.

My mom is really good at making sure i see the signs, along wiht my best friend whom i talk to at least three times daily. The only problem is that i still dont like to listen. Im sure its some of that denial factor, and some rebellion factor, but either way... In any case, i hope to hear back and find out when i can schedule that appt. Its an hour away from here, and the doctor is also a professor, so hes hard to get into, but hes really great at what he does, and i like him. (a huge improvement over some other times. At 13 i had a crazy pdoc, and since have had a huge fear of them...)

I decided a few months ago taht drinking alcohol was impractical and for many reasons very dangerous for my personally, and for many others also. After that I vowed i wouldnt touch the stuff...and frankly, i had never thought seriously of it before this year anyhow. Its funny, most my firneds drink, but when i told them why i dont want to, they just nod and dont bug me anymore. they know it would kill me. SO at least they support that.

Well, thanks for your responses. I really look forward to getting on here and hearing what you and Putter and all the others have to say. Im new to this whole thing, and its all very foriegn and well...scary to me. I really really really appreciate your help and support.

Till next time.

Rock
13

Good morning, rock -

I sooooooooooo understand about the dreams, and yes, Effexor can be making them worse and keeping you from sleeping.  Depakote is a good mood stabilizer, but probably wont help you sleep.  (Take it at night, tho, may work a tad better than if you take in in a.m.)  Maybe you could ask him about a small dose of Seroquel, it's what most BPs get for sleep and it's not addicitng, plus works wayyyyy better than addicting sleeping pills, and never quits working.   The dosages go from 25mg to I think 900mg, so you're bound to find the one that works for you.   I am limited now on how much becuase it is an antipsychotic and I am now on another one (Abilify), so it's not good to take two of them; hence less sleep for me. 

But most all us BPs have those dreams before stabilization anyway.  Vivid, technicolor, detailed dreams that are like a movie in your head and real life, like you said.  Nightmares, horrible images and at least for me, someone always coming after me trying to kill me.  I have been shot, stabbed, drowned, fallen off cliffs, etc. and finally learned to kill my attacker after a long time of losing.  I guess we can disprove the myth that if you die in your dreams you die for real, huh!   It was constant, and terrifying, as I hit the ground I would wake up screaming and sweaty, do I need to mention freaking out whomever I was with that night??????  I just thought it was normal for me, just like the voices, singing, constantly hearing someone call my name when it was quiet, and nobody there.  Not to mention thinking I was a powerful witch with supernatural powers that nobody else had.  (Delusions of granduer).   I didn't know these things were psychosis.  Do you have them?

In case you're interested I'm on Trileptal (mood stabilizer), Lamictal (mood stabilizer/antidepressant), wellbutrin (antidepressant), Seroquel (antipsychotic), Abilify (anipsychotic), and Klonopin (antianxiety/sleep).  Symptom by symptom, you add meds.  Most BPs are on 4-5 meds, so don't freak out if you need to keep adding.  If you are still having the dreams and cant sleep, you are really not stable yet, you probably need a tweak in dosage on Depakote or to try something else, or add something like Seroquel, which acts as a mood stabilizer, too and promotes sleep big time.    Ask your doc when you see him, ok?   Write it down.  Only thing wrong with Depakote is the massive weight gain, so keep an eye on that.  And if you can't tolerate it at a higher level, for goodness sake tell the doc, you will need to try something else, there are several to choose from.   Trileptal, Abilify, Topomax, Lamictal (although should be added to another stablizer, mostly antidepressant action). 

I hope this isn't too confusing, you might want to cut/paste it somewhere and learn it so you'll know when you talk to your doc.  And if I didn't say before work WITH your doc, not just taking whatever, and it not working.  You will get there and find peace, and balance, but you have to be an equal partner in your care like no other illness known to man because there isn't any 'ONE' treatment; one size does NOT fit all, lol.

I totally understand the kind of not nice comments you make; we all feel it and sometimes say it.   I would say things like "oh, ok, I just forgot not to feel this way.  I'll change that right away, thanks for reminding me!" - I was queen of razor tongue, that was mild! devil     I hated people who would preach "the power of positive thinking" or "what do you have to be depressed about".  mad mad

Yesterday I was so tired from bareluy 5 hours of sleep that my bones actually hurt, I couldn't stay awake, but couldn't sleep either, had errands ALL day.  I did fall asleep about 8:30 and slept until my usual time, five oclock a.m.  Feeling pretty good now!  Hopefully all day, I am BP I rapid cycling,  but sooooooo much better since adding Abilify, kind of the icing on the cake, no really bad moods in 3 whole week.  A miracle for me!

Anyways, I hope you have a great day and are feeling a little better and i'm looking forward to hearing back from you!

Shannon

Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

14
Morning Shannon.
 
IM so glad to hear im not insane. Even my therapist was confused by what i described, so i was starting to think there was something really wrong there. lol. Yeah, i take 500 mg of Depakote at ngiht, and does seem to help some. And i just went off of Seroquel for the very reason that it made me sleep TOOO long. I was given 25 mg, and even if i cut that in forths, my body didnt wake up for about 10 hours. With my current work schedule, it was quit or find a new med. I may just have to live with less sleep, and about once a week i will finally sleep good for about 7 hours, and i feel good that one day. So i cant complain too much.
 
My dreams are mostly about things i fear. Like, the most vivid are about friends or family dying in horrific ways, and me whitnessing it. Or being raped...by someone i trust, or with someone i trust whom does nothign and laughs. Its kinda sad...but i can tell you they leave me in a very bad mood. I hardly ever wake up from them. Sometimes i wake up jolted but i dont know why, but most the time my alarm cuts the dream off and i just wake up. I dont think ive ever woken screaming or scared...interstingly enough. Other than the dreams, ive never had any psychosis symptoms in the daytiem that i can think of. At least nothing that i havent alsways had. Maybe i jsut think some things are normal, and dont know it? I mean, most the time you just assume someone else must feel that way, right?
 
My father is BP 1, and he is on tons. Partically for that reason, I have always been afraid of being on tons of meds. Growing up i saw my dad go on one after the other, and for a long time my mom was negative about it. So now i am fighting to see it as a positive thing instead of negative. Its still hard, but if i can be somewhat stabilized and not deal with fighting myelf everyday on everyhitng, i think i can fight myself on one thing.
 
Yeah, this is all very confusing, but i will print off some of this, and take it with me to the doc. Hes really good about me being involved. We talked about what meds i was going on and why, and all of that befor, and i feel confident that he will help me understand some of this, if i come to him with symptoms and all of that. Thanks again, for your help there. Im so new to all this, im still just realizing that i have all the symptoms, and its still scary to me. I never even knew there was this much involved with BP...and ive lived in the smae house as it for all my life....
 
My poor friends and family, i just feel bad for em. My mouth gets me in so much trouble, i just throw out darts without thinking when im not stable....and it gets ugly. Everyone assumes im a little angel, but then they hear my mouth on a bad day, and get all confused.
 
Today will be a hard day for me. I woke up with my bone hurting. Im so tired, and sick with some bug... but its my moms birthday, so we are doing a ton of things, and i always cook her a specialty cake...so it will be a busy day, and i still havent even pulled myself out of bed yet. I need to get this under control. One day of rest isnt going ot do me any good. And i would be willing to bet that a week or a month wouldnt either. Grrrrr... well, until later, or tomorrow.
 
Thanks. I hope your day goes well!
 
Rock
 
 
 
15
Rock and Shannon,

I was just reading all of you posts and find such comfort in them. Shannon has such great insight and hopefully, Rock, it will be some help and consolation for you in the journey. I think that your last post really touched me and struck some hurt that I've been hiding in myself for a while. While it is devastating to discover BP in yourself, I hope that maybe you can spare yourself some of the grief that the rest of us have created for ourselves in being diagnosed and so receptive at such a young age. I mean this in the most positive way and hope that maybe you'll be able to avoid some of the mistakes that I know I've endured as a result of BP. I only have 7 years on you Rock, but 7 years was more than enough to wreak havoc on the lives of friends and family. Although I've learned to embrace the agony as being a part of the road that led me to where I am now (a very great place), there are times when it's hard to face the truth. I don't think that most of my family really understand, and I've learned to accept it. It just becomes painful when you say, "No really - this is it, not like last time" and they don't see the difference.
 
If I had a "do-over" I'm not sure that I would take it since I wouldn't be where I am now. But if I knew for certain that I would end up in this wonderful place in my life, minus the heartache for my family, I would rather have been diagnosed at 18 when it all started.
 
Hope you are all having a nice saturday afternoon, and hopefully some rest will set in for both of you.
 
Take care!
Putter
16
Hi Rock--have read most of the posts, but having a quite active day today in my mind and wasn't able to read the most recent ones, but everything you are saying is so familiar.
 
Ok--first of all I am on 225mg. of Effexor and working on getting OFF of it.  I have just recently been diagnosed at BP II and really think that the Effexor was causing LOTS of my hypomania moments AND dreams.   I have very vivid angry dreams and when this happens  I literally wake up so b/c my body has been so intense all night---very tired too.   I take klonipin to get some peaceful sleep when I am just wide awake and need to go to bed--I am a school teacher so I have 18 2nd graders depending on me every day....................most of the time, surprisingly, this is what keeps me sane---it just MAKES me get up every morning and pusth through even though I dont' want t--especially these past few weeks.
 
Today I didnt' wake up until 2:00 but I woke up with actual red whelps on me from my shirt--when I am having those crazy dreams I odn't know if I don't move or if I am sleeping so hard or sweating (sometimes I wake up wiht my clothes soaked in sweat)  but this morning these impressions on my skin were so bad that they hurt.....of course they are gone now, but my body was so tired I literally felt drugged AND I didn't even take anything to sleep last night---I don't know why my body and dreams do this, but it is frustrating! 
 
 
Also,I am full of energy this morning---I didn't take any of my meds. until I woke up so that may be why---I am just about to jump out of my sking.....lots on my mind---parents are probably about ot get divorced and I even though I am marreid and about to be 29--it is still screwing with my head.  I cn'at let htings go and have a hard time not letting it consume me....Also, I feel so guilty about everyhting--like I can fix it or something.  IT i s literally driving menuts, but right now I am so full of energy and tired at the same time that I don't really know what to do.
 
It isn't the bad irritability real bad anyway, it is just wanting to go run a freaking marathon.....I just can't settle donw to get anything done right now--except clean--I am washing clothes right now,,,I am thinking about goign to clean my porch---I have a white fenced porch ..
 
Who knows, I just keep thinking--maybe this is all in my head--maybe I am not BP II but have read so much about it that I am overanalyzing.l.Who the hell knows??
 
Anyway,  i am not being very helpful right now, but the things I read I could so relate to right now so I wanted to respond.............Also, I just needed to vent--just feels like crap is just piling up quick...
 
Good luck!  I will talk later......but this site is really great to make you feel not so alone.  It has been a great help!
 
Sassie
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Putter, Im sorry that i struck a vein there. I hope that it wasnt a horrible thing. I know how taht can go at times, and for me it tends to be not oh so pretty. Other times its an "ah-ha! moment". I hope it was more the latter than the former.

I can only hope to spare myself some grief. I tend to take out my suitcase of logic on many occasion, just to push away my irrationals. If that doesnt work, I get one of my rough friends to talk me out of whatever i am thinking. I do better with myself now, and jsut use some simple tools ive learned, but i can only hope it will help in the long run. I tend to feel EXTREME guilt over everything, and that guiilt isnt worth repeating on most occasions...so its helped me in a lot of ways, I dont want to do that again, so i find some other way to cope, and move on. It really has prevented me from ruining a ton. Sometimes i look back and im amazed I have done the things i have. I dont know how i got here, but something has been working in my favor. I have a lot to thank my parents and brothers for, tahts for sure, and my friends are right in that catagory too.

I am grateful to have a diagnoses. This opens a lot of doors for me, and a lot of insight, and a network of people i can actually catagorize myself in. Sometimes i wonder if its harder to be "just depressed" because everyone is, and everyone treats it as nothing. Then again, this is something that no one knows about. The grass isnt always greener on the other side, in fact ive found it very rarely is. We are handed cards, and we play with them, and thats that, right?

Anyway, enough of my late night ramblings. I hope you have had a good Saturday also. Mine turned out to be stressful, but fun and even slightly productive. YAY! Have a great sunday.

Till next time.

Rock

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Hi, Rock!

I think everybody has dreams about what they fear most.  I used to also have TERRIBLE thoughts, disturbing thoughts abuot my family or Paul esp Paul, getting murdered or all bloody in some horrible car accident.  I still do about Paul and the cops coming to my door to tell me he's dead.  Sometimes I can't stop thinking about it, get it out of my head.  I ahve had therapy, but it didn't make any diff.  Now I just say "NO!" and make myself think of something good, and it works a little better, it's not an all day obsession.  All those thoughts are soooooo much better with meds.

lol you're a lightweight with the Seroquel!  My usual dose was 250, BUT I also take Klonopin 1 mg, Trileptal which is a stabilizer that will knock you in the dirt, and Abilify at bedtime.  My pdoc made me go to 50 of Seroquel and that's when I started having the sleep problems.  I also get one or two good night's sleep a week and i AM complaining!  So tired, can't do full workouts every day or at all.  I have NEVER been tired during the day before.  This sucks.Today I was up at 3:45.   Great.  5.5 hrs sleep. eyes

As far as the psychosis, hearing voices, and singing and music I never heard before, hearing someone call my name with nobody there constantly, etc., I also thougth it was normal!  It did go away with meds.  Except yesterday I kept smelling something burning, and there was absoltely NOTHING!  It wuld come and go.  Weird, cause that's another psycotic thing.   I'm not sleeping enough and am very prone to psychosis with lack of sleep.  It' s actually dangerous to not sleep well and can bring on mania.

 

My dad is BP also, and has been the meanest SOB on the face of the earth, physically and mentally abused me till i was 12, then just mentally abused me till I left home at 19.  Continue to until I cut him off at 39 finally.  Now, he practically kisses my ***, which is weird; I never had a dad before.  Problem is he has killed any love I ever had for him, i am trying, but we'll see what happens at xmas time, I haven't seen him in two years.  4 days at their house will be the ultimate test.  I just don't trust him yet.  BTW you're lucky your dad medicated, mine is too proud, even tho he admits he is BP and suffers the way we do, has hurt and lost most all his family, all three of his sibs, me for a while, my mom, and his dad has very little contact.  His mom is dead, the only person he treated with respect.   AND you're lucky you're taking care of your self at such a very young age, I pretty much destroyed my life in the 39 yrs I was unmedicated.  I have suffered it since childhood, dxd at 25, and didn't medicate for real until I was 39.  I'll be 41 in Nov., so you can avoid dong the horrible things I have  done, so think about that! yeah

How did you do yesterday?  did you get through it ok?  How did you sleep?  How are you doing today?

Look forward to hearing from you, until then, take care of yourself!

Shannon1

Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key

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Sassie and Sad:
   Ohhh...it doesnt sound fun. I know how that goes. This morning i woke up with a very tight chest, and chest pains. THis isnt foreign to me, its something that happens whenever my heart takes the tachycardia road for a while. And becasue i had bad dreams all night, im sure thats why. UIghhhh. the dreams are diving me up the wall. I slept for a long time, waking up a lot, but not having hte energy ot pull myself out of bed, and having the small luxury of being able to stay in it for hours longer than normal. But I still feel so drained, just like i did last night before i fell asleep. I swear, sometimes i wonder if going to bed is even worth my time.
 
As far as the energy thing goes, I get that a lot too. At least once a week i will jsut over ride the tired factor and go go go. THen it hits me full force again and knocks em back to the ground. THe oddd thing is that im still major depressed in these times, its just like the lack of sleep pushes me into overdrive. It really bugs me, but its nice to have a day from dragging.
 
Yeah, when i get irritable or cant figure out what to do with myself (it happens rarely but i think its the closest ive ever been to full on mania. and i sure hate that feeling. Its like a fury...and i cant calm it.) I tend to clean. And when i say clean, i mean, ever knick and cranney, every room, organization, everything. ITs like a tornado hit...and made it sparkly clean. I never even knew i was capapble of that.
 
Anyway, I hope today is better. Thanks for venting to us! I started this as a vent, and i want anyone who needs to vent to come here!
 
Let us know how you are doing.
 
Rock
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Hey Psychnurse!

Well, yesterday was a very stressful day, but we did have some fun, and i did get soem things done. I made it through, and had a blast once the stress was over. THings just kept piling up. I have no idea how i got everything done, and that has been a trend for three or four days now. Oh well. I made it.

I didnt sleep well. I had horrid dreams again, although they werent quite as vivid this time. And when i woke up my chest was tight and sore from it. Im not sure what to do about these anymore. All i know is that i feel as exhausted or more exhasted than the night before when i have them. Its sooo frustrating. But i guess thats the breaks. Im just sick of being depressed, and tired, and now sick becasue i dont have any defenses and i work with 300 people going in and out all day. Gah, im frustrated.
 
Today well...Sundays are hard. I dont know if any of you can relate to this, but sunday is the day to go to church. And i have recently found that i hate church. If i dont feel bad enough about myself, adn guilty enough about everything, church just adds a load. Im not sure what to do on taht front...so imcutting it to a minimum most the time. But gah. It sure makes sundays bad. Most the time when i break is Sunday. Sometimes i wonder if its just me, and im just pathetic and cant handle it or something. Anyway, Ill make it and yeah...thats how it goes.
 
Now, down to the real business, lol.
 
Yes, the topics of my dreams arent surprising, but it sure adds to effect, huh? Its like a personalized haunted house, in your head, free, and unescapable. Yeah, im trying to work withmy therapist on it, but I have some other issues that are more important right now. I just wish i could sleep is all. I wouldnt mind em if they didnt drain me so.
 
Hmmm, I dont know that Ive ever had psychosis. There are a lot of things taht go on in my head, Im an author, and i tend to project things, but thats something i just do. But ill have to pay attention and see.
 
Im so sorry that you had to endure so much with your father. I was lucky in the way that my mother protected us from it. I have always been ultra sensetive to people andhow they feel and all that. When things got really bad with my father, my mom sent me to live with my aunt for a while. I just thought it was a long vacation, and i loved it, so it wasnt a big deal. My mom kept extending it, and then finally decided that school was going to be a propblem, and brought me back home. Still, i missed some of the bad times. Even then, we just didnt see him much. He didnt want us to see him like that. THen he got to be more stable. He still cycles, and we can still tell, butits much better, and we all understand whats going on, so its not so hard. I know i have been lucky. And if he hadnt gone through that, there would be no way i would be anywhere near where i am now. My parents got me help knowing it could get that bad, and knowing that I needed it. Thank God.
 
 Thanks again for all your support! Im sure ill post again today. Especially if things go bad...but im hoping not. lol.
 
See ya later.
 
Rock