What are we afraid of?

Diseases & Conditions Depression
1
I need to ask some questions.  I may not say these things correctly so please hang in there with me.  If I cause any miscommunication or confusion please know that my questions are not judgments of anyone but rather an attempt to explore for myself some of the issues that keep me where I am.  I would love to gain some perspective with your help.
 
It seems to me that fear is the driving force that keeps people stuck in one place.  Why are we afraid?  I really want to know this.  At this time in my life I am not afraid of what people think of me.  If someone is going to judge me harshly because of a challenge that I have then I don't need them in my life.  Maybe when we get to a certain age (46 for me) we are just not willing to accept crap anymore but I'm just not.  I surround myself with the people who are the most important to me and with new people who are willing to be kind. 
 
What does the fear get us accept more pain and more fear?  I can look back to a few situations from my childhood that I have never mentioned to anyone.  For most of my life they have seemed inconsequential.  Until now I never knew how much they affected the rest of my life.  I can also look back to one particular incident (sp?) that I never talked about until I realized that my older sister had experienced the same thing.  I don't think it particularly changed me but I was afraid to say anything as a child and can see how it was the beginning of negative events that twisted and warped my sister into someone that I sometimes don't even recognize.  I said something to my mom about it and now it isn't even an issue for me, it also led to getting help for my sister.
 
If we don't talk about the things that create the fear in us, it gives them power.  I really believe this. It is like having a dirty little secret and that creates shame and embarrassment as well as fear. Taking the power away from the fear is a way to be in control of the fear instead of it being in control of us.  So doesn't talking about those things that create fear in us take the power away from the fear?  Isn't that a good thing?
 
I am married to a wonderful man that came from a horrible childhood.  I grew up in a comfortable, middle-class family where in I was a ghost.  I always had safety, enough to eat, a warm place to lay my head and was never in jeapardy of losing that.  I just didn't ever have anyone to validate me as a kid and I had to learn to do that for myself as a teenager.  All our lives together I have known that hubby would need to eventually confront his issues.  I have also been aware of how those issues have effected our lives together and how they affected the raising of our two children.  I'm not talking about any sort of abuse.  I am talking about hubby not being able to be a complete partner in parenting or being afraid that I would leave him even though I never did anything to give him cause to worry.  I have spent much of our marriage in patient mode, waiting for him to realize that he needs to deal with this stuff.  It is sort of like waiting for an alcoholic to realize that they need help.  You can't do anything about it until they are ready to get help.  Anyway, he is seeing a therapist and trying hard to work on his issues. I am so proud of him.  I have lately become aware of the effect this waiting has had on me.  I have also begun to wonder if some of those events from childhood have always colored the way I am with men in general.  If that is true, does it also color the way I am with my husband?  He is a gentle, loving man who could be posting on the What We Have Survived Thread.  I know that I could be a better wife to him but I have always kept a little piece of myself and by doing so let my fear of being hurt maintain a little space between us.  Yes, I am seeing a therapist and exploring these issues there as well as asking about them here.
 
I hope I explained this well enough for you to understand what I am asking and what I am trying to explore.  I sincerely appreciate your thinking on this subject and hope that by doing so it will be helpful to all of us. 
2
Hi Strong,

I'm only not replying properly now because you have given me lots to think about and I *need* to think before I open my big mouth on this one!!!

For now all I wanted to say is that I believe what you have written is very important for all of us here, and that I know thinking about it will be a good thing.

Rosie x

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People are not like fish: they do not work better battered.
 
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3
Hi strong, I think your right when you get our age(47) you start to think about things that have happened to you in childhood and in your life up until now. I know the things that have happened to me has had a big impact on who I am now. My husband has told me that I push him away at times too, but he also knows why I do it. I have kept alot of childhood secrets to myself as well, and sometimes i wonder why I didnt feel like I could tell my parents about it. I think it had alot to do with being raised in a religous home, but I'm not sure. My sister did the same thing kept silent. I think when we have a debilitating illness that we know will take our life some day, we question alot of things. Your way of thinking reminds me alot of myself lately. I am also going to seek help for the same issues at the end of the month when I see a phsychiatrist, which I havent done in quite a few years. I feel we are so much on the same wavelink, maybe we can chat sometime in private. Who knows maybe we can help each other! Good Luck to you in finding your answers, maybe someone else can help you alot more than I have. TC and hope to see you on chat.

 

4

I thought about this post a lot yesterday and have had some mixed feelings regarding it.  I have things I am afraid of but I don’t believe I let that fear rule my life.  I believe everyone has fears and that is normal, or should be normal.  There are many people who have had horrific events happen to them and subsequently let fear and anxiety dominate every aspect of their lives.  Such as my aunt who has been raped several different times and is now an alcoholic and drug abuser.  It is sad but she chooses to beat herself up over the things that have happened to her in the past and yes, she does let fear rule her life, so she self medicates.  But I am not one to judge her for that as I have not walked in her shoes...I am just there to remind her that I love her and support her regardless and hope one day she will get better.

 

I don’t believe that you have to talk about the things that you fear or if you don’t it gives it more power.  I think if you can personally acknowledge that there is something of importance and deal with it on a day to day level then this is enough.  It really depends on the person and the type of personality they have and what type of situation that they are facing in their lives.  As everyone knows by know I had a horrible childhood and have had a difficult time talking of it and mostly the only place I have spoken of it is here and to my therapist.  Of course my mom knows and my family knows I was "molested" but nothing else.  I don’t feel the need to lay it all out to everyone or to speak openly of it.  It was in the past and I am trying to deal with, I think I deal with it very well actually.  Never have I considered it a "dirty little secret", it is something very personal to me and I have the power to choose when I want to talk about it and when I don’t.  There is no fear there what so ever.  What I can say I do fear is my heart disease and MSA and what it is doing to my body and life but, this is the only thing and I believe is pretty common with major diseases.

 

I believe everyone has to find their own way of dealing with their demons so to speak.  For some voicing their fears, past hurts/traumas could be detrimental to them as it would make it real again.  For others, talking is very good therapy.  Artists express their feelings through their works of art and very rarely know how to communicate effectively with words. 

I don’t know if this makes any sense at all....I am just trying to say it depends on the person.

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 

5

Hi --

I haven't really worked out what I think on this yet, but something Elisha said gave me an idea and it links with something I've started doing again recently and posting on these boards. Elisha mentioned how "Artists express their feelings through their works of art and very rarely know how to communicate effectively with words." I used to write a lot, and it really helped me. (It also sometimes scared the heck out of me...). Well, I don't really know what a lot of my fears are. Yes, bad things have happened to me ... but as with Elisha, I'm not sure these things make me *afraid* as such anymore. I just know that the only times I've come close to giving a picture of how my fears work and how difficult it feels to get back to living sometimes is in some of my poetry. So here's one of those poems...

Rosie x

 

The Village Idiot’s Roses

 

I was always at home with my mirror,

My own terror, still terror,

And my backward woven life,

Looking inside outwards,

Breathing in scents and other's compliments,

 

Blowing out flowers. My face is a mirror

To the moon. But, O Mother, look,

Look what hid behind my mask,

Look what my skirts are made of. --

Black sky, black crepe.

 

Blow, Mother, blow. -- Those roses still burn

On my window sill, still rearrange my air,

Pierce protective circles, protective fear.

They point towards my darkling eyes,

Thorn flickers. They needle me.

 

They have swapped their eyes for pins in this village.

It hurts to weave. It hurts to sigh.

It hurts to watch them watch,

And think they know me. They call me mad,

Whispering sentences, and never stop

 

To question him, down by the pond,

Collecting pins. They simply laugh

To see him bent on sharpest reds.

They stole the magpie's eyes,

Plucked mine off the cloth, and spun them round.

 

Scenes unravel to a nothing wrap.

Smoke unravels over blackening bowls.

The villagers lend their looks, their tongues,

Their 'phones. I heard them

Backwards when I was alone.

 

Twelve ******s won’t let me go back.

Go back to that fire. -- It won’t burn away.

Go back to the pond. -- These tears

Can’t drown a nothing man. Poor fool.

And I have pricked my finger on these roses,

 

Here, behind these walls, behind these thorns,

And strangely careful shadows,

To die in fairy-tale again. And I’m so tired

Of deaths, this breathing in and in,

That I could sleep. If I could sleep.

 

 

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People are not like fish: they do not work better battered.
 
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6
Exactly Rosie!  Great poem...Thank you so much for sharing it with us...hugs :-)

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


 

7
Thanks so much for sharing, I was beginning to wonder if I scared folks off. I want to be really clear that my post is not a judgment of anyone for any reason. It is only me asking for whatever assistance people may be able to offer so that I can wade through some of these things for my own benefit. Again, thank you for your thoughts.

Rosie, your poem is amazing. Keep writing, thanks for sharing.
8
Oh-ho Strong, you didn't put me off. -- Still think it's a really interesting question. And just because I can't put my finger on a "cause" of my fears, doesn't mean they aren't there or that I don't have to face them and deal with them. I'm really glad you started this post. Felt a bit exposed and ridiculous after I posted that poem -- almost took it right back off! -- Glad I didn't: thanks so much to you and Elisha for your great words of encouragement. I actually think one "real" fear I've had over the last couple of years is that I couldn't write any more, but posting my poems recently and having kind people like yourselves say such nice things has really helped me start again -- little steps. Today feels much better for that too.

Rosie x

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People are not like fish: they do not work better battered.
 
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9
I dont know if this answers your question directly - I do know that your questions have been ones which I have tried very hard to crystallize in my mind because I think they are key factors that keep me submerged in my depressive moods sometimes. The ghost that you describe of your childhood was me as a child - like you I had a lot of the material benefits in life but was born with a cosmetically disfiguring illness (with no physical discomfort!) which caused my well-intentioned parents to basically hide me from public view. I was raised in a country which believed that women needed to look good first of all - and I think they felt they needed to hide me till such a time that the cosmetic problem was cured - never did. Unfortunately all this experience left me was a poor self-image which it has taken me years to even partially deal with.

One of the things which I found helpful was to isolate my fears and deal with them one at a time. My overriding fear was one of being laughed at behind my back - always felt that people would be mocking me and they probably did - I am now at 42 learning to ignore this. A bad marriage with a controlling partner who capitalized on my poor self-esteem did not help. My overriding fear is getting involved with another man who will manipualte me in the same way. Like most people with poor self-esteem - I have difficulty establishing boundaries and am terrified of being in the same situation again.

I tend to push away people when they get too close to me and I guess this is one of the reasons I find this mode of communication so comfortable. These are a few of my fears but I am hopeful and refuse to think that I cannot get beyond this - whether I will or not only time will tell.
10
Rosie, I think your poem is very powerful. If you care to share any of your writing I would love to read it. If this feels too exposed you can email it to me. I truly encourage you to keep writing.

Susan35, WOW, I have never ever found anyone who "gets" the ghost thing. Growing up with priviledge but having problems anyway made me feel like an imposter. It was like I didn't have the right to have problems because I had enough to eat, no one was beating me and I was safe when others had problems that were so much worse. Of course the community that I grew up in was sort of like The Stepford community. Everyone was supposed to be happy. There was a lot of money around town and it was supposed to make everything wonderful. What most people on the outside looking in didn't know is that it is all fake. My family wasn't but most families in the community created a facade of wealth by maxing out credit cards and mortgaging themselves to the hilt just to keep up appearances. My family wasn't rich but we were comfortable and had what we needed. Weird huh?
11

Rosie, my mother is much like you in the respect that her thoughts and feelings go into poems.  She is a very good writer but doesn’t communicate verbally so well.  My mom grew up in a very repressed family situation.  My family is Italian and grandma is Sicilian, strictly has a personal policy of not talking about any situation after it has happened.  My mom fought to be more open with my brother and me but sometimes what you are taught as a child is very difficult to overcome.  I will post one of her poems in the positive thread so you can see how she writes...

Elisha

http://www.healingwell.com/donate