First let me start off by saying that I am sorry that I cannot come up with good advice for other posters. I am really not sure what advice to give others in thier posts. I am not sure if my advice will even be helpful.
I also would like to say that I am worried about people judging me and my problems. Therefore I am worried that what I post on the internet will get back to me somehow even though I try to stay anonymous. I worry about alot of things. One of the things I have worried about all my life is what others think of me.
I have gotten help from psychiatrists for my condition and I must say it was mostly unpleasant. I really do not want to go back there. It seemed to me that the therapists were judging me and were less than helpful. The psychiatrist spent under ten minutes with me every month. The medication would give me side effects or just plain make me feel funny. If the medication did work it would not work well enough and would wear off after a while. I gained fifty pounds. I would be tired, confused, and so on and so forth on medication. More so than usual.
I do have serious depression though. I take over the counter dietary supplements. I take alot of different things. I have tried or am taking almost anything that has anything to do with helping depression. The problem is that these do not work all the time. I combine alot of supplements and sometimes worry that this may cause me a problem.
I have low self esteem and often do not even want to be around people. I do not have many relationships and the ones I have are not as good as I would like. I do not like myself. I lack drive and feel as though I am going to fail so why try to accomplish anything anyway. It seems like my life is about worrying.
People in my family have no idea what my depression is like. If I try to tell them they just don't want to hear it and they tell me to get over it. It seems to me that they have no concept of depression in general. Most people have no clue what depression is. I am kind of a burden on my parents. I am old enough that I should have moved out years ago. I do not see myself ever getting a good job or even keeping a minimum wage full time job. I do not have friends that I keep in touch with. It seems like people are all out for number one and therefore cannot be trusted and that is painful to me. It seems like my family thinks I have a bad character. I spend most of my money on supplements and do not help out financially as much as I should because I cannot.
I really dislike the prescription medicine I had to take. The doctors did not do thier job very well in my opinion. Making the decision on my own I do not want to go back there. My parents were both unhappy with the job the doctors did and the prescription medicine and they do not want me to go back there. Over the counter supplements are the best thing I have ever done for my depression.
If I go to the doctor and he puts me on an antidepressant I will have to go off of my supplements so I will feel very very worse than I do now. Then the side effects of the medicine will kick in and I will feel even worse and I will still not know if the medicine will even help me at all. Then after two months if the medicine still doesn't work and I can take the side effects the doctor will raise the dose and I will have to wait another month. Not to mention I will have to deal with pharmacists, doctors, therapists, and so on and so forth judging me.
I wish I had a good life and could be a better person. I don't like this and I did not bring it on myself. It is not like I did this to myself. I hate this condition and wish I could change it. I live in denial of what my true feelings are most of the time. I have no one I can really talk to about this. Most people either don't care or just don't understand. 
jjjjj,
Wow, it sounds like you have really twisted yourself into a pretzel. Although you are feeling very distraught about your situation, there is help. Are you familiar with cognitive therapy? It's a very effective therapy. It's also best used with relaxation & meditation techniques. Because "talk therapy" is not as effective in many cases, in conquering what you describe, I do believe you would benefit much from cognitive therapy. In addition, the "relief" from talk therapy is rarely beneficial on a long-term basis unless the therapist is one that actually supplies the strategies and tools for long-term recovery purposes. Sadly, this is rare; they need an income too. I should know. LOL
This will require a firm commitment on your part though; it's not something that you can just do overnight, nor will the results be instantaneous. It does require hard work, time, repetition, and attention on the part of the individual. Cognitive therapy is a therapy designed for the individual to identify problem thought patterns; the identifications also include automatic thoughts, meaning ... those thoughts that you think automatically without even noticing; those of which you are unaware until you delve into this in detail. Typically, this identification process is done with written question/answer text formats.
As you do these exercises, you see that a pattern begins to develop. You will notice when, where, why, and how these feelings were triggered; along with the immediate thought(s) that preceeded them. The vignettes fall within a few of the following: minimization, magnification, fortune-telling, all-or-nothing thinking, accepting questionable authoritatives as fact .....
Meaning, our thinking controls our feelings. Many times, even those with clinical depression (chemical imbalance, requiring anti-depressant medications) have the opportunity to fully recover by making these exercises manifest in their thinking, and it evolves into an overall better quality-of-life. Like I said though, this takes time and commitment on the part of the individual. This typically works best when one applies these concepts in addition to their already prescribed anti-depressant medication(s).
Many of our thoughts, we are not even aware of. Think of it like this, every single moment, every single second, we are making a choice; there's no way around it; most of the choices we make we are not even aware of, but think back to infancy; at one time, you did consciously think about and focus on taking your first steps. So what I speak of here is along the same lines; we do have the power to do that with our thoughts as well. However, we do have to make the decision to claim that choice and use it. We may not be conscious of that, but we are.
We also have the power of choice to use for developing better and healthier thinking patterns. When thinking gets "lost in the shuffle," it's time to re-route it and place it back where it belongs. Most people don't realize that it's possible, but it is. Of course, a chemical imbalance will obviously need medication to be properly treated. But when the medication is taken as prescribed, and new thinking patterns are established, it is possible to rid ourselves of this torment.
I understand and I care. It was my own pain that provoked my "change of mind." My thoughts controlled my feelings, whether I was aware of it or not. The key was to recognize those thoughts, how and if they served me and why, and at what point in my life; then I had to ask myself if I still needed them, were they still purposeful to be perceived the way I perceived them and why/why not.
God is very good; He gave us all brains, He expects us to use them. And He also knows we need help with that, we all do. At some point and time in each and every human being's life, we all need help. Keep asking questions, that's why we're here.
(((hugs)))
~ Cindy
Psalm 3:5;6;7;8
Wow, it sounds like you have really twisted yourself into a pretzel. Although you are feeling very distraught about your situation, there is help. Are you familiar with cognitive therapy? It's a very effective therapy. It's also best used with relaxation & meditation techniques. Because "talk therapy" is not as effective in many cases, in conquering what you describe, I do believe you would benefit much from cognitive therapy. In addition, the "relief" from talk therapy is rarely beneficial on a long-term basis unless the therapist is one that actually supplies the strategies and tools for long-term recovery purposes. Sadly, this is rare; they need an income too. I should know. LOL
This will require a firm commitment on your part though; it's not something that you can just do overnight, nor will the results be instantaneous. It does require hard work, time, repetition, and attention on the part of the individual. Cognitive therapy is a therapy designed for the individual to identify problem thought patterns; the identifications also include automatic thoughts, meaning ... those thoughts that you think automatically without even noticing; those of which you are unaware until you delve into this in detail. Typically, this identification process is done with written question/answer text formats.
As you do these exercises, you see that a pattern begins to develop. You will notice when, where, why, and how these feelings were triggered; along with the immediate thought(s) that preceeded them. The vignettes fall within a few of the following: minimization, magnification, fortune-telling, all-or-nothing thinking, accepting questionable authoritatives as fact .....
Meaning, our thinking controls our feelings. Many times, even those with clinical depression (chemical imbalance, requiring anti-depressant medications) have the opportunity to fully recover by making these exercises manifest in their thinking, and it evolves into an overall better quality-of-life. Like I said though, this takes time and commitment on the part of the individual. This typically works best when one applies these concepts in addition to their already prescribed anti-depressant medication(s).
Many of our thoughts, we are not even aware of. Think of it like this, every single moment, every single second, we are making a choice; there's no way around it; most of the choices we make we are not even aware of, but think back to infancy; at one time, you did consciously think about and focus on taking your first steps. So what I speak of here is along the same lines; we do have the power to do that with our thoughts as well. However, we do have to make the decision to claim that choice and use it. We may not be conscious of that, but we are.
We also have the power of choice to use for developing better and healthier thinking patterns. When thinking gets "lost in the shuffle," it's time to re-route it and place it back where it belongs. Most people don't realize that it's possible, but it is. Of course, a chemical imbalance will obviously need medication to be properly treated. But when the medication is taken as prescribed, and new thinking patterns are established, it is possible to rid ourselves of this torment.
I understand and I care. It was my own pain that provoked my "change of mind." My thoughts controlled my feelings, whether I was aware of it or not. The key was to recognize those thoughts, how and if they served me and why, and at what point in my life; then I had to ask myself if I still needed them, were they still purposeful to be perceived the way I perceived them and why/why not.
God is very good; He gave us all brains, He expects us to use them. And He also knows we need help with that, we all do. At some point and time in each and every human being's life, we all need help. Keep asking questions, that's why we're here.
(((hugs)))
~ Cindy
Psalm 3:5;6;7;8
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;"
"in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
"Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil."
"This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
Hi jjjjj,
I too often feel that what I say here is inadequate or isn't going to be helpful for someone else. But you dont have to come up with great uplifting things to say I realized. For me, just being able to share some of our like experiences and getting it out is like releasing toxins from your body. You dont have to share anything with us that you dont want to. I do want you to know or at least think about this...this is a safe place for you to express whatever you are going through. I haven't seen you post anything that someone could recognize you from just reading it. You dont use your real name and haven't posted your city or state. Healing Well has over 27,000 members that is a lot of people.
I see that you are still trying to go the supplement route in regards to medication. You have mentioned that you feel that your a burden on your parents and are having trouble keeping a job even a part time one. What money you do get you spend on supplements. I realize that you have posted that you feel that doctors and counselors judge you. But here is my suggestion on this coming from being a caseworker and working in the mental health field for many years. Have you ever thought of filing for disability before? The reason I ask is that you posted before you have been diagnosed with "mild paranoid personality disorder". Any kind of personality disorders can disrupt someones life to major extremes and does qualify for disability benefits. This maybe a solution if you were able to get on SSDI you could still work part time and afford to get an apartment on your own if that is what you wanted to do. Then maybe you would feel a little better about yourself. It is something to think about.
Take care and have a wonderful day......
~elisha
Thank you for your replies to my post.
I have tried to get SSI before and was turned down. They even got me an attorney and I had a hearing and I was turned down again. I do not remember if they even brought up the paranoid personality disorder or not. I only remember the doctor saying something about it once. He may have said you may have mild paraniod personality disorder or something like that or he may have said that I had it for sure. I do not remember any of the other people treating me saying anything about it.
I did get welfare which was not very much. When I went to the grocery store I had to pay in such a way that the people there knew I was on welfare. Being on welfare made me feel bad about myself and so would being on SSI. My parents were both against me getting SSI. I am not sure exactly why, maybe they thought it would make me lazy or something. I told my brother I was going to go to a hearing to get it and he told many people about my private business. I went over my uncle's and my brother was there and he must have told him and my uncle was very upset and ranting and raving about how everyone needs to work.
I do not think anyone in my life understands the amount of pain this disorder causes me. When I talk about it it just doesn't seem to get through to them. I think my family is supportive in a way but in another way not supportive at all.
I do not have any health insurance now. I can probably get some through welfare like I did before. I am thinking about maybe going back to the doctors. I do not know what to do yet. I have alot to think about. I do not feel that the doctors or therapists that I went to before were very good and I think that if I get that insurance that I did before I will have to go back to the same place. I also am not sure about prescription drugs being right for me based on how they effected me before. I know there are all different ones and I need to try others or combinations if I want them to work. I am thinking they may have even got the diagnosis wrong. I may have some type of inattentive ADD.
I have tried to get SSI before and was turned down. They even got me an attorney and I had a hearing and I was turned down again. I do not remember if they even brought up the paranoid personality disorder or not. I only remember the doctor saying something about it once. He may have said you may have mild paraniod personality disorder or something like that or he may have said that I had it for sure. I do not remember any of the other people treating me saying anything about it.
I did get welfare which was not very much. When I went to the grocery store I had to pay in such a way that the people there knew I was on welfare. Being on welfare made me feel bad about myself and so would being on SSI. My parents were both against me getting SSI. I am not sure exactly why, maybe they thought it would make me lazy or something. I told my brother I was going to go to a hearing to get it and he told many people about my private business. I went over my uncle's and my brother was there and he must have told him and my uncle was very upset and ranting and raving about how everyone needs to work.
I do not think anyone in my life understands the amount of pain this disorder causes me. When I talk about it it just doesn't seem to get through to them. I think my family is supportive in a way but in another way not supportive at all.
I do not have any health insurance now. I can probably get some through welfare like I did before. I am thinking about maybe going back to the doctors. I do not know what to do yet. I have alot to think about. I do not feel that the doctors or therapists that I went to before were very good and I think that if I get that insurance that I did before I will have to go back to the same place. I also am not sure about prescription drugs being right for me based on how they effected me before. I know there are all different ones and I need to try others or combinations if I want them to work. I am thinking they may have even got the diagnosis wrong. I may have some type of inattentive ADD.
Post Edited (jjjjj) : 3/25/2006 2:39:50 PM (GMT-7)
Just from the way that you have posted it sounds as if your family is not supportive of you and for that my heart really goes out to you. Never did you ask for this or would what this to happen to you in anyway. Some people do not understand mental disorders like depression and personality disorders, they can be very insensitive to others who do have them. It is just not right. I am sorry you have to deal with that, I am sure that it doesn't make your situation any better.
As for disability, there has to be lots of documentation on your diagnosis and inability to work due to the illness. If it disrupts your daily living skills more than 50% of the time it would qualify for disability benefits. When you have to file an appeal you want to make sure that you have all of your medical records as sometimes the attorney may not obtain them all from your physicians for the judge to review and basis his decision on. The problem may of been the physician not believing you were disabled (which it is not his decision) or lack of documentation, it is really hard to say without knowing first hand. But from what you have posted before you may want to consider refiling a claim. That is always up to you though.
I am so glad to hear that you are considering hooking up with another doctor. While you are deciding what you want to do please keep in mind that they can not force you to take medication of any sort if you dont want to. If you wish to continue taking supplements to treat your depression then that is your right to do. Just make sure you communicate with your doctor.
~elisha
My psychiatrist said I was definitaly disabled. The judge or whatever they call themselves made his decision and gave us his explination. He said that since I had worked part time in a family business, and that I had smoked marijuana before that I wasn't going to get SSI. He also said that the doctors opinion did not matter to him because our appointments were too short of a time period( about ten minutes) for the doctor's opinion to count for much. I had explained to him earlier that if this business was not a family business I would have never kept my job because of my poor performance, missed days, being late, and so on. I only saw the doctor about once a month and it was about medication only, I also saw a therapist either once a week or every other week. I am sure the doctor took time to read my report and what the therapist wrote in there before he called me in his office.
It sounds to me like the judge was a jerk.
Most psychiatrists dont do their own counseling now a days. If you see one that has his own practice he will usually employee several counselors that do the majority of therapy sessions.
Disability wants to see that whatever the illness is it is going to effect you for longer than a 6 month period of time and disrupts your life at least half time time. Usually, it is better if you are totally not working when you file but if you are working a few hours a week at your family's business than that shouldn't be a problem.
The judge should also have taken that into account as you said a regular employer would be much more harsh on you and you more than likely wouldn't be able to keep a job.
You can always file for medicaid, if they have a medicaid program in your state, since you dont have insurance. Think about returning to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist and ask their advice on it.
~elisha
jjjj,
What you are being told about the determination is typically true. The judge will want to see some long-term proven disability for an extended period of time. Based on the statement of your psychiatrist, that is simply not enough evidence for them. They need to be convinced that there's no chance that you can work at all; at any job, in any position, in any capacity, before they will award you benefits. It sounds like you may have applied too soon. How did he find out that you ever smoked marijuana? That shouldn't be of any bearing anyway; your either disabled or you're not, sounds like "shame tactics" are being used to intimidate you out of trying to get benefits.
Basically, you will need the feedback to support your case on a more long-term level; also, it will be hard for them to accept the determination of only one physician or provider of care. They will not take a chance and award benefits to someone if they see that there is a possibility that they can work, at all.
It was two years, I was disabled, before I applied for mine. Hope this helps. They want to see that you have utilized everything available in an attempt to help yourself, and have exhausted everything, before they consider awarding your benefits. Sadly, too many people apply for benefits when they don't actually need them; so this is the only way they can screen.
~ Cindy
Psalm 3:5;6;7;8
What you are being told about the determination is typically true. The judge will want to see some long-term proven disability for an extended period of time. Based on the statement of your psychiatrist, that is simply not enough evidence for them. They need to be convinced that there's no chance that you can work at all; at any job, in any position, in any capacity, before they will award you benefits. It sounds like you may have applied too soon. How did he find out that you ever smoked marijuana? That shouldn't be of any bearing anyway; your either disabled or you're not, sounds like "shame tactics" are being used to intimidate you out of trying to get benefits.
Basically, you will need the feedback to support your case on a more long-term level; also, it will be hard for them to accept the determination of only one physician or provider of care. They will not take a chance and award benefits to someone if they see that there is a possibility that they can work, at all.
It was two years, I was disabled, before I applied for mine. Hope this helps. They want to see that you have utilized everything available in an attempt to help yourself, and have exhausted everything, before they consider awarding your benefits. Sadly, too many people apply for benefits when they don't actually need them; so this is the only way they can screen.
~ Cindy
Psalm 3:5;6;7;8
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;"
"in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
"Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil."
"This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
I will probably not get SSI if I try for it again. I have been on my own without a doctor for almost two years treating myself with supplements and or hiding under the covers. When I did try the first time I had quit taking meds on my own a time or two cause of side effects and/or that i was fed up with everything. I think that place I went to was the only place insurance would cover and I would have to go back there again if I wanted treatment. I don't think the treatment was too good anyhow. I think maybe they may have even gotten my diagnosis wrong. I don't know. Thank you for your posts.
jjjj,
I hope you will reconsider applying for help through your State. If you need the help, whether it be Medicaid, food stamps, etc., then accept the help! As for these people that are hassling you over it, it may help to remind them that your State doesn't just "give" this stuff away, you have to be eligible! So obviously you are entitled to it; they do not live inside you ... and are in no position to pass judgement.
Sweetie, try to avoid negative people as much as possible; I think you should go apply, accept the help, and get better. A very wise lady used to remind me of something:
What other people think is none of my business!
Opinions are like "poo-holes," everybody has one!
When you point a finger at someone, four are pointing back at you!
God did not appoint anyone to judge me! When He does, I'll let you know! ROFL
Sweetie, hang in there! Forget what other people think, it's none of their business! You're a grown woman now. By the grace of God, there go THEY!
(((HUGS))) and I'm praying for you. Please keep posting!
~ Cindy
EDIT: Try to remember, Living in the Solution eliminates the problem. One more piece of advice, about the sneers and comments; people can be very cruel. When you get reactions such as those, remind yourself that you would never trade places with them; as poor character is the worst illness and disease there is ... it's deadly to the spirit!!! I'd much rather be poor (and was, and went through much of what you describe, years ago) than trade places with the ignorant!
p.s. Meanwhile, check this out; it will help you cope as you move forward; a lot of folks are finding it very helpful, and it helps me tremendously: http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=452747
Psalm 3:5;6;7;8
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;"
"in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
"Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil."
"This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."
Post Edited (Neurotransmissing) : 3/26/2006 4:49:36 PM (GMT-7)