Part of life is calling out people who slight you--it's not always the best thing, but it's not a bad thing. Another part is negotiation. The email I sent opens a silent negotiation for the party giver. It puts her in the position of deciding privately what she will do about her prior decision. She may have been put in a spot where she made a bad decision, one she really don't want to make. So straightforward, gives her the oportunity to rethink it, without all the drama of friends talking to friends.
Another thing that could be going on is that the new person in the group is a b****. There are people like that and they get their way by intimidating and humiliating others do to their dirty work. They develop and feed a group mentality in others, because they are too chicken by themselves. Generally the person is self distructive to some degree, but good at not geting caught. They lead others, who do get caught, into self destructive behaviours.
You have been altogether too busy trying to find out what is wrong with you--watch what happens around you. Others are making mistakes. Others haven't got confidence. Others feel just like you do.
My son's basketball coach used to say, "You can please me, but you can never satisfy me." He intended for the boys to work harder and know they had to keep on working. Why not ask your dad if you "please him, but never satisfy him." You will probably find out the answer is yes.
bev
Hi Chelsi,
Sending <<HUGS>>
Sorry to hear what you are going thorugh. I know I can relate to some of that.
Bev has some good points. and I agree you should not send an email saying it is ok to go.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeremy
Crohn's Disease, Arthrits, Raynaud's disease, Depression, Anxiety, and Glaucoma
Well, I did not send either of the girls an email telling them it was ok to be open about going. Last Monday I totally broke down as soon as I got home and just cried. I was talking to my friend that has the friend having the party. I told her I thought it was really rude of her friend. I told her that if I am alone that night no telling what could happen. My friend started crying on the phone too. I ended up calling another friend that is not at all part of that group and she said she had no plans but did not plan to stay up til midnight. We plan on going to dinner and a movie. She has been known to have to back out of things at the last minute. She has a daughter that has some medical problems and sometimes should not be left alone, even though she is an older teen. Well, one of the friends came over Mon. night to go somewhere with me. She told me after I told her my plans that she had planned to back out quietly and do something with me. I told her to come with us but I dont know what she will do. I did send an email to my friend and just spilled out everything that I was feeling. It was a long email and she responded but did not address the email. She read it at work and did not have time to respond and never has. She did admit to me that this other friend specifically said she did not want me there. I have told the other two friends how I felt but I am sure it won't make any difference. I guess I should ask them early next year. Sometimes I seriously think it would be better not to have any friends. Then you can't get hurt.
Chelsi
From what you've written, the way I look at the situation (outside of the box) is it sounds like the majority of the people you know are kinda on the flakey side, so I don't think you're the problem so much as you think you are...I think it's more like, "what's wrong with them?" Not what's wrong with you.
You know, there's nothing worse then a phony and it just sounds like many of the peeps you know have more phony in them then anything, my opinion, I think they're flakey, so don't be so hard on yourself...sometimes we just get stuck with many of these types in our lives, it sucks but it's even worse when you start thinking the problem might be you, when to me (outside the box) I think it's them.
Just my 2 cents, take care and have a great new year regardless, go see a movie or something, you'll likely be in better company with yourself alone.
I agree with the poster above. Your friends aren't much--but for now they are your friends. There's no harm in looking around for better people. I would.
I was different too--always the last one picked, often laughed at, and to be truthful very envious of others. One in particular was beautiful. She wore beautiful clothes. What made it really terrible was that she was very nice too. When I was at the 30 year reunion, I mentioned to one of the girls how much I'd envied her clothes. They told me those were her mother's clothes. Her mother died when we were in 7th grade. The girl I envied was also dead--she died at 37 of the same thing that killed her mother. So the girl who's life seemed blessed a hundred times more than mine--wasn't. The girl with grace and beauty didn't have it all. Neither did I. Neither did any of us.
We are who we are. We can take that and do something with it. That's what maturity is about and knowing how to will come to you as you get older. So for the time being do like we all did--suffer through it--and mentally prepare for later--by liking yourself.
bev
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
There is nothing wrong with you. I think you are very sensitive and caring and easily hurt ( hmm, sounds like me!!) Friendships are work and it takes 2 to create a healthy friendship. Wasting time on people who ultimately make you unhappy is not going to get you anywhere. You shouldn't have to worry about real friends talking about you or excluding you. Maybe concentrate on making new friends, shed those that bring you down. Take care of you and your needs. It's easier said than done, I know, but in the end, it's worth it.
Take care . . .
Sadsunshine
Thanks for all your input. I am going to do something that I really hate doing. I am the one that started the Thursday night girls night out. I look forward to it as at least I can be around people. Well tonite I got an email from one of my friends. Another friend has said he wants to go out Thursday night to this one place. I have not seen him since Aug. when a bunch of us went to his house to wish him Happy Birthday. He has cancer and was going thru treatments so he could not be around people. Well, I noticed on the email that this friend who sent the email invited the one person who did not want me at her house NYE. I feel it is best to decline going. It would be too uncomfortable for me. You all are right, I need to make some new friends, but the ones I usually hang out with are good friends. It is not their fault I did not get invited to NYE. But since this other person is becoming friends with my friends, they will all be doing things together and the sooner I bow out the better. I hope this makes sense.
Chelsi
Another story: I didn't go to my oldest boys graduation from college, because my ex-husband said he wouldn't go if I did. My ex had seen him through college. It seemed like his presence was more important than mine--and I didn't want to be the cause of trouble. On the day of the graduation, my ex was hospitalized unexpectedly. No one let me know, so my boy graduated from college with neither of his parents there--in fact no one to cheer him on.
You have a friend in a precarious position--supporting him should be your only concern.
bev
Brenda