hey there, i have read all of your replies and they are very supportive, i agree with all of them, i just felt the need to write u a little post, U R AMAZING just had to let you know that, it must have taken so much for you too write that letter, and i cant seem too stop crying, please let me know how you are getting on in the future, take care xxx jodiexxx
Shy,
Hi I am so sorry you had to go what you went threw as a small child. No child never should ever go threw stuff like that. I have a cousin that went threw that with her real Father. Some of the family acts like it never even happened. Like she made it all up. They never talk about it. She is an emotional wreck. She has 3 kids which none of which she has custody of due to her turning to alcohol, not holding down a job, running from men to men, the list goes on. I try to help her all the time but it is alway a losing battle, I will keep trying one day I hope she will snap out and let go. She was to the point where she was about to face her fears and confront her dad when he was killed in a car accident. Now she wished she would stopped puttign it off and gotten it off her chest casue now she will never have that closer. My pint is we never know when our time or there time is up. If this is something that you are really needing to do please do it asap casue you never know when it might be to late. I not saying you have to send it to get closer some ppl can write a letter put it away and that is enough for then and for some it is not. You know in your heart what you need to do. She kept putting it off afaid of making are grandmother mad while now they are not speaking and haven't since his death because of a fight they had. Please don't take it as I am telling you what to do, I just wanted to tell you my cousin story which may or may not help you.
Take care and contiou on your path of healing.
Hi I am so sorry you had to go what you went threw as a small child. No child never should ever go threw stuff like that. I have a cousin that went threw that with her real Father. Some of the family acts like it never even happened. Like she made it all up. They never talk about it. She is an emotional wreck. She has 3 kids which none of which she has custody of due to her turning to alcohol, not holding down a job, running from men to men, the list goes on. I try to help her all the time but it is alway a losing battle, I will keep trying one day I hope she will snap out and let go. She was to the point where she was about to face her fears and confront her dad when he was killed in a car accident. Now she wished she would stopped puttign it off and gotten it off her chest casue now she will never have that closer. My pint is we never know when our time or there time is up. If this is something that you are really needing to do please do it asap casue you never know when it might be to late. I not saying you have to send it to get closer some ppl can write a letter put it away and that is enough for then and for some it is not. You know in your heart what you need to do. She kept putting it off afaid of making are grandmother mad while now they are not speaking and haven't since his death because of a fight they had. Please don't take it as I am telling you what to do, I just wanted to tell you my cousin story which may or may not help you.
Take care and contiou on your path of healing.
Hi armywifefisher
To date I have not sent the letter yet. I keep going back to not wanting to cause conflict with my mom. Which annoys the heck out of my boyfriend. He thinks that she deserves it and should know what I have been through.
But,she is not the one that raped me,she did not want to be a mom and should have never had kids.
I can totally relate with your cousin. She feels shame,and the drinking is what helps her forget.
I stopped taking meds about a year ago,and still crave them. But am too scared to take them again as I abused them. I drink now. I went through a stage where I was going out every other night with my best friend. Drinking until I was in a stupor,and then driving. My kids were older (16 and 14) and I felt it was ok to go out and them stay home for a few hours by themselves. Then I talked my ex husband into taking them every other weekend,which just gave me permission to drink more. The finale was I got pulled over for a OWI,and that screwed my whole life up.
I believe that the relationships I have been in were haunted by my past. And still are I guess.
Don't give up on your cousin,she needs you.
Also,I look in the obits everyday to see the name of the man that hurt me physically as a child and remained hurting me as an adult. He has not died yet. My big plan is going to his funeral,so that I can see him lying there,knowing he will never hurt me again,and will never be able to hurt another child. I have daydreams that while they are saying what a great person he was I stand up and tell them what he did to me. Then leave.
I doubt I will ever have enough guts to do that..but the thought helps me get through the days.
What about your cousin going to his gravesite and telling him there? Or writing a letter and leaving it there?
When my daughter turned 12,I went through a very hard time of not wanting her to go anywhere,telling her not to trust anyone and that if anyone ever hurt her that she had to tell me and I would protect her. It got to the point to where I was obsessed. So,I wrote a letter one night the man that did that to me. I told him what he did to me,how I am totally screwed up by it,I ended the letter by telling him that if God allowed someone like him to go to heaven that I want to spend the rest of eternity in hell as I have been in hell since I was 12 years old due to him.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
To date I have not sent the letter yet. I keep going back to not wanting to cause conflict with my mom. Which annoys the heck out of my boyfriend. He thinks that she deserves it and should know what I have been through.
But,she is not the one that raped me,she did not want to be a mom and should have never had kids.
I can totally relate with your cousin. She feels shame,and the drinking is what helps her forget.
I stopped taking meds about a year ago,and still crave them. But am too scared to take them again as I abused them. I drink now. I went through a stage where I was going out every other night with my best friend. Drinking until I was in a stupor,and then driving. My kids were older (16 and 14) and I felt it was ok to go out and them stay home for a few hours by themselves. Then I talked my ex husband into taking them every other weekend,which just gave me permission to drink more. The finale was I got pulled over for a OWI,and that screwed my whole life up.
I believe that the relationships I have been in were haunted by my past. And still are I guess.
Don't give up on your cousin,she needs you.
Also,I look in the obits everyday to see the name of the man that hurt me physically as a child and remained hurting me as an adult. He has not died yet. My big plan is going to his funeral,so that I can see him lying there,knowing he will never hurt me again,and will never be able to hurt another child. I have daydreams that while they are saying what a great person he was I stand up and tell them what he did to me. Then leave.
I doubt I will ever have enough guts to do that..but the thought helps me get through the days.
What about your cousin going to his gravesite and telling him there? Or writing a letter and leaving it there?
When my daughter turned 12,I went through a very hard time of not wanting her to go anywhere,telling her not to trust anyone and that if anyone ever hurt her that she had to tell me and I would protect her. It got to the point to where I was obsessed. So,I wrote a letter one night the man that did that to me. I told him what he did to me,how I am totally screwed up by it,I ended the letter by telling him that if God allowed someone like him to go to heaven that I want to spend the rest of eternity in hell as I have been in hell since I was 12 years old due to him.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Hi Shy, You know that you and I share the same kind of pain with what has happened to us as children. I spend a lot of my time writing to our governor, senators, and legislators on certain bills that are introduced into the Senate on harsher prison sentences, and monitoring of sex offenders. The reason I am telling you this is that I thought that you of all people would understand the most the feelings that I had. Last week I was on family watch dog for the Kansas City area since my dad and grandma still live there and I know that my ex-stepfather "Charlie" (God I hate that name) lives 3 miles from both of them. Well...I clicked on a box and up pops his profile with his picture, address, and his list of offences for being on the Missouri State Sex Offender Registry. I had not seen his face since I was 11 years old...and that was 21 years ago. It made me sick to my stomach and all that rage and hatred for him and what he did came back as if it were yesterday. I haven't told anyone, not my mom, no one...the feelings are too raw and open. I wish I knew how to get over this, to heal and make it go away. I realized that I could cover it with all the band-aids that I want and good intentions but my black past is always going to be there. I am not scared of the boogeyman or the dark and never was, my childhood nightmare was real, flesh and blood and he was supposed to be my father.
Oh my gawd Elisha! I can totally understand how you must have felt. I think that would have been enough to send me over the deep end.
I have often thought about doing more as far as helping victims,or even helping monitor chat rooms ect. But I am afraid of bascially dealing with it. You are very strong that is for sure. And that man who had enough nerve to call himself your father,should have his picture posted on every darn bill board in the US with the subject line of "PERVERT" and "SATAN"S SON" in bold BIG black letters.
I almost am a loss for words here only because my anger seeps out,and revenge hits me like a brick wall.
Be very thankful that at least someone is trying to warn others about him. His face being on the list will hopefully warn a mother that will keep her daughter clear of him.
I am still very angry with myself for not telling anyone,as my nightmares remind me all of the time that he probably has,and might be doing the same thing to another child.
Keep your head up,your road to healing is long,and dark at times. But,as you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. You can at least visit the light a few times to gain your strength to go on.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
I have often thought about doing more as far as helping victims,or even helping monitor chat rooms ect. But I am afraid of bascially dealing with it. You are very strong that is for sure. And that man who had enough nerve to call himself your father,should have his picture posted on every darn bill board in the US with the subject line of "PERVERT" and "SATAN"S SON" in bold BIG black letters.
I almost am a loss for words here only because my anger seeps out,and revenge hits me like a brick wall.
Be very thankful that at least someone is trying to warn others about him. His face being on the list will hopefully warn a mother that will keep her daughter clear of him.
I am still very angry with myself for not telling anyone,as my nightmares remind me all of the time that he probably has,and might be doing the same thing to another child.
Keep your head up,your road to healing is long,and dark at times. But,as you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. You can at least visit the light a few times to gain your strength to go on.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
You are both brave strong and beautiful women...........Hold your head high always ......Love ya's .......God Bless.....Lyn
Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
Let That Strong Spirit Be Your Guide
A real friend walks in when the rest of the world walks away
Thank you Lyn, I love ya sis
I have been in counseling this time around for almost 10 months. My last appointment was Thursday, I have mentioned all this to him but I dont believe that it really hit it before Thurs how effected by these issues I am. I was hooked up with my Psychiatrist by my PCP who in turn said he believed that I needed additional counseling other than what he does every month. They are really great but I havent entirely trusted my therapist to understand my feelings on this. Fortunately he was very receptive and said that we are going to concentrate on these issues and bumped me back up to every other week sessions. I think it was when I said that I felt like standing with a sign that reads "child molester" across from my ex-stepfathers home and also wanting to knock on his neighbors doors and tell them to watch out for him. He did say that I had become an activist of sorts with my letter writing and e-mails to our government (for all the good it does). I dont really look at it that way, I think I needed something to channel all that anger into. Shy, you beat yourself too much over not telling. You were a child hurt and scared which is what these men want to create. They prey on children that are not going to tell and they know if they will be able to have power over them. I would be very surprised if he has not been reported from another child who perhaps told their mother or family friend. If your relationship with your mom was better when you were a kid you may of felt safe telling her but from what you have written it seems that you felt very much alone. It is a terrible burden to carry with you everyday but the responsibility was not yours. Much love...
Elisha
I too have wanted to knock on his neighbors door and tell everyone that would listen.
While both of my kids were in middle school,the school sent out letters stating that there was a family with two brothers at the end of our street that were on the list. This house sat right next to a bus stop where kids went to another school,and kids walked right past their house everyday. Plus they had at least 4 families living next to them. I took the letter to work and made several copies and put them in all of the doors in the neighborhood. And called the police and asked for them to drive by more. They never did. And as far as I know the brothers are still living there. I used to panic when my kids were outside playing,we lived about 1 1/2 blocks from them,but it scared the crap out of me.
The problem with standing outside his house with a sign...is he could probably get a lawyer and sue. Expecially if it is not on record!! That is how justice works in our nation sometimes.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
While both of my kids were in middle school,the school sent out letters stating that there was a family with two brothers at the end of our street that were on the list. This house sat right next to a bus stop where kids went to another school,and kids walked right past their house everyday. Plus they had at least 4 families living next to them. I took the letter to work and made several copies and put them in all of the doors in the neighborhood. And called the police and asked for them to drive by more. They never did. And as far as I know the brothers are still living there. I used to panic when my kids were outside playing,we lived about 1 1/2 blocks from them,but it scared the crap out of me.
The problem with standing outside his house with a sign...is he could probably get a lawyer and sue. Expecially if it is not on record!! That is how justice works in our nation sometimes.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Your right... I know I would never get up the guts to do that anyway. The last time I went home to Kansas City I drove by his house and just parked outside across the street. I was too afraid to even get out of the car, I don't know what my purpose was in doing that...it was like some evil twin took over my body and made me do it. I had a panic attack sitting there picturing him coming in and out of that house everyday as if he shouldn't be behind bars and nothing has ever happened. I have to tell myself (and somewhere I know this) that it isn't up to me to punish him. It is difficult to live with the fact that I am forever changed, I had no childhood, I have these horrific images in my head that wont ever go away, I am terrified of relationships and men and it is all because of this one person. The "system" that is supposed to protect children didn't and doesn't.
I would of done the same as you with the letters. Here in Missouri we are supposed to be notified of sex offenders that live near us but never have I received notification of this. From family watch dog I was able to find that there are 3 men convicted of Rape, one of assault and 4 child sex offenders that live within 2 miles from my home. 2 of the men convicted of rape live down the street from me. Since I found this out I have stopped walking at night and started to carry pepper spray with me when I do walk. I probably would be 10 worse if I had kids...
Elisha