Crazy day, Crazy life

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hey all.

 

I'm new to this board. I'm 17, female, in college doing art/drama/philosophy...and I have BP.

 

Today is a very mixed state day. No, week. I feel very anxious and my thoughts are *racing*, Im getting paranoid, and I have a desperate wish to die as everything seems very overwhelming right now. Im typing this from college..in 1 hour I'll be seeing my boyfriend which is good, but these days even the good stuff is starting to get drowned out by a sea of psychiatric symptoms, everything from Depression (yah, thats a real b**ch aint it) to Paranoia to mild hallucinations.

 

My background...Ive always been eccentric. At 16, I finally cracked from depression, and friends made me see a doctor, who made me see a psychiatrist, who diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. As my mother was so distraught at  the thought of me being as down and all-out suicidal as I was, I figured that...well, I haev a few of Aspergers traits, I played up to it for the shrink a lot to get that diagnosis, which is better for my mom to deal with than having to hear her child is bipolar.

 

But BP is what I am...insane highs (with great creativity), and black, black lows, and the most bizarre in-betweens...Ive done all the classic BP things over the past 1-2 years- had 15+ relationships, drugs, spending recklessly, MUCH religious mania, moods that have to be seen to be believed..lots of things. My friends, funnily enough, found it almost novel/amusing, which makes me sort of angry I think. No, I know. But then again, it's a difficult illness.

 

When I move out - which cant be for another year, because whereas I would have left for Uni this year, my breakdown meant I did poorly (I got C C D, which isnt as good as I can do) in my AS levels, so Im re-taking them- I plan to get help that doesnt involve my parents, as my mtoher gets hysterical, and father buries head in the sand.

 

I also have an eating disorder, which gave me a full 999-emergency seizure when i was 15. My parents made me get over it by basically emotional blackmail and intimidation..nice, arn't they. Misinformed, i guess. Currently, I am 5ft 6.5ins and weigh 133lbs, and my goal is 110lbs. Yeh thats bad, but Im starting to think *so freaking what*.

 

It looks pretty pointless right now, to be frank.

Thank you for letting me rant on here.

[Ellie_1]

Hi Antilove
It seems like so much to deal with at such a young age. Looking back though, i think many of us began to deal with the devastating symptoms of bp at a very young age. My first depression occured around 12 or 13. First hospitalization at 15.
Parents have so many hopes and dreams for their children that sometimes they just don't want to see the truth. They mistakenly believe that a BP diagnosis closes all the doors of opportunity. They want our lives to be easy as well, and BP certainly isn't that. There is so much stigma surrounding MI still, its hard for them to sort fact from fiction.
With proper meds. it is possible to lead a normal life. This is not all doom and gloom. Like many other illnesses this can be managed, but you have to take good care of yourself, and work with your doctor. It is work too, it can be very hard at the beginning when searching for the right meds. But once dealt with, most people seem to stablize and go on to have lives like anyone else.
I'm glad you found us here at Healingwell, this is a wonderful place for info and support. I hope to hear from you again soon.
Take care
Ellie

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Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.