I recently became engaged to the most wonderful man. He knows all about my illness and with my recent cycling episodes (see my "new to the board" post), has learned to handle them like a trooper. He is kind and understanding, gets that what comes out of my mouth is usually related to a chemical imbalance and not reality, doesn't take the irritability personally and knows when to comfort and when to leave me alone.
But this is now, at the beginning of our life together and only after his first real experience with the disease. I'm so worried that I'm doing the wrong thing in agreeing to marry him--how can I subject him to this for years to come? It seems so horribly unfair; like a prison sentence for him. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he tells me I'm being silly and he can handle it. But I just look at him and wonder how he is going to feel ten years from now, when he is tired of dealing with me. Plus, he's got his own worries right now (he's trying to complete his Ph.D. and has writer's block, plus the job market for professors at the moment is pretty sad. I know I'm making him even more tense and worried; plus, I can't help him right now with his own problems like I normally do. How can that be good for a healthy marriage?)
And then there is the issue of children. I'm so scared about this one that I'm quietly panicking almost constantly. I can't go off my meds during pregnancy (Welbutrin and either Lamictal or <!--StartFragment --> Depakote--we're in the middle of a switch right now, though I'm assuming that I'll have to lose the Clonazapam and not sleep for 9 months...), but I'm worried about the effect they'll have on the fetus. And now I'm reading about not only the chances of post-partum depression, but also psychosis! Plus, the hormones--I have trouble enough with them already (PMD); how will I survive pregnancy? Can anybody with experience please give me some info and tell me how you handled it?
And then there's the issue of actual children and parenting. I've learned to cope over the years by turning inward. I read a lot. I watch a lot of TV. I'm always on the internet. I don't go out much. And I had (just sold her) a horse for four years who I truly believed saved me. But riding is also a very solitary activity. My fiance is fine with this; he's an introvert as well and understands. But I use my "inner life" to stay sane, and I don't see how I can possibly continue this behaviour with children. I'm hoping that some sort of mothering instinct that everyone always talks about will kick in, and I'll really want to focus all of my attention on my kids, but what if it doesn't? If I do get post-partum depression, then that bond is supposedly not as strong. And then, what happens when I get sick? How do you, all of you mothers out there, manage? Were you as afraid as I am?
Again, I've discussed all of this in detail with my fiance, and he talks about support networks (though we may end up anywhere in the country depending on where he lands a job and I certainly can't ask my mother, the only other person I trust with this illness, to relocate), and careful planning and "we'll deal with it when the time comes." But in all of this uncertainty, there is one thing we both know for sure--he wants kids. And I'm petrified that I won't love them, or be able to care for them, or pay attention to them, or will simply make their lives miserable with this illness.
Okay, wow. A lot of fear here. Normally I know, at least cognitively, what to do about fear. But I don't have any answers to these questions, so I can't calm myself down. Any help anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Eva
i just heard a song pertaining to how I felt yesterday, and do you think I could remember the name of it. Crap, I will think of it. WOW .. it almost scared me, it was so close that I thought he was singing the song to me. LOL It is a country song, I don't think you listen to country though. Talk to ya guys tomorrow. nickie