Haven't posted here for a while...I don't know what I want...feeling really low

Diseases & Conditions Depression
1
As I put in the subject, I haven't posted here in a long time. I think the last time was about a year ago.
 
Last time I posted I was having alot of problems with my son and his anger.
 
My husband had an anger problem most of marriage as well. He had a bad childhood, so I know why it was there. I really tried to be supportive during our marriage. It was hard because it felt like we were all walking around on eggshells. It seemed like our son got the worst of it. I tried to mediate between the two, but when our son starting showing signs of anger, I felt like I had failed him.
 
I ended up filing for divorce the last quarter of last year. My husband has moved out and we have our son 50/50. Even though I filed it has been so hard. I feel like I failed everyone. I just couldn't go on the way it was. I was trying everything I knew to fix things. Once I filed my husband said he had no idea why I was unhappy....Did I not communicate??? Was I so far off on what was going on??? Sometimes I really wonder. He is getting settled in his new house, but he hates me so much. I feel like the worst person that ever roamed the earth.
 
I know for me it was the right thing to do. But does that really make it right?? It's pretty selfish of me I think.
 
I know I'm just rambling. I don't know what I expect from posting here. Guess I just needed to write somewhere...
 
Thanks for reading...

Terri B
 
 

2
Dear Terri
First of all,you did not let anyone down. Your ex husband is the one that let you down. During his vows he told you and everyone else that he would love honor and cherish you. Do you really feel he did that?
I divorced my ex husband after 13 years of mental and physical abuse. Then to make matters worse I had to sign full custody of my 15 and 18 year old over to him due to my loosing my job and going into complete financial downfall.
I am a firm believer in changing your surroundings if you are not happy. And that goes for your son too. Kids are not dumb,they know when things are not right and they will act on those signs.
It's time to heal yourself and your son. Your ex is an adult let him worry about himself.
Don't give in to the guilt trips,or the promises of things getting better. In the real world they can make promises all they want but they usually turn into empty promises,and then your left standing wondering what in the hell just happened.

Good luck

shynsassy@healingwell.net


Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks

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Hi Terri, I am sorry for what is going on in your life.  As Shynsassy said, you didn't let anyone down.  You cant take responsibility for anyone's actions but your own. 
 
Your marriage reminds me a lot of my own.  My ex husband would yell a lot and was very controlling.  He never hit me, but he was always checking my cell phone for numbers he didn't recognize and since I used it for work also I always was yelled at for that.  It seemed that after I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and was sick all the time he became so much worse.  I decided to leave and discussed this with him which was one of the hardest decisions of my life but he kept insisting that I was seeing another man.  I moved in with my mom until I could get an apartment or figure out what I was going to do about my marriage (we had been married for 5 yrs and lived together for 7). We had bought a house together and had two dogs and a cat. Two months later he filed divorce papers to force me to come back all the while sending me hateful e-mails and then "please come back" e-mails and phone calls.  I tried and tried to tell him what was wrong with our marriage but he never seemed to get it.  Finally, I had to realize that yes I love him but I cant fix him and what is wrong with our relationship.  I am so much better off by my self.  We still talk now that we are divorced a year and a half later and I still love him and probably always will.  And it hurts to see all the changes that he has made for the better cause I wonder "why couldn't you do that when we were together",  And I am 32 and single and don't date and wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life which is scary.  But don't hang on to a bad relationship for the wrong reasons.  He may be angry now, but eventually (hopefully) he may come to see that it is the right decision.  Hang in there.
 
~elisha
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Thanks so much to you both. So much of what both of you say sounds the same as what I experienced. I guess it's just hard to see his pain. I will not get back together with him, I just don't know if I will able to get passed how bad I feel. Guess thats what therapy is for...

Terri B
 
 

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I think it was pretty obvious that conditions weren't going to change for the better. So... you did the right thing.

Here's what is really important now - not dwelling on the past and even more important, not coming down on yourself. I'm sure you tried very hard to make it work out. Give yourself some credit.

What you have to do now is think what else you can change to have a happier future.

I had to learn that the hard way. After a very difficult time, I had to set some goals for my future. It was not an easy thing to do. It was far easier to be angry and hurt. Trouble was, that didn't make anything better. And it kept me from moving forward.

So now, the questions for you are: What would you like to have in your life? Then... What type of person do you have to become to have that? What new attitudes? What new skills? I know it's not easy to think in those terms. Change is never easy. But it's necessary. And well worth it when we do it.

Your child will learn that when things aren't right he'll need to make some tough decisions.

Life would have been better for all of us, I think, if we would have learned that at a younger age (I'm 56). I grew up thinking things would be easy. Life isn't easy. It's tough for everyone. That's why we need to become smarter, stronger, and more skillful as we go through life.

Ed

www.everyday-wisdom.com

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you will get past it. You are mourning a loss. As a 33 year old I have had to learn to control my anger. My dad was the one ..... we were all walking on eggshells. It is weird looking back. He was a bully. He tormented me and my mom let him!  Then when I moved out he began to pick on her. She'd call me crying and I had NO sympathy for her! At all!  But, my sister ....that was a different story.  When I moved out she was 12. She put my dad in his place. I don't know what she did or said!  But, he seemed to just give into her. She would not put up with his yelling and I think on a few occasions told him to stop it that she had no respect for him acting like this.  It was like she stood up to the bully in the school yard and all of a sudden he just backed down and showed how much of a coward he was on the inside..

I say this because now that you have stood up to your husband he might change drastically. Alot of people yell alot and blame and go off the deep end because of their own weird feelings of selfworth. As I look back my dad was constantly putting me down -- screaming "This is why you have no friends." he yelled this a number of times over the years. I had plenty of friends. it was my dad who was a very lonely man. Does that make any sense?

Anyway I yell at my husband sometimes and find myself acting just like my dad. I have done very well to catch myself. My mom let my dad pick on, humiliate, torment and abuse me. You are taking up for your child and making his living conditions as wonderful as you can! You are doubting yourself ... because probally over the years your husband has yelled at you again and again how wrong you are. If he was basically always yelling at you that you were wrong -- you have probally come to believe it!

DON'T!!!!

Post Edited (Citykittie) : 1/24/2006 7:49:38 AM (GMT-7)

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Thank you both. You gave me alot to think about. I know I have to find the strength somewhere to do just what Ed said. I actually have set some goals for myself and I am taking a class in school (college). I thought I was doing really good and then my ex called and really laid into me over a week ago and It just set me back so far. I am having a really hard time.

Thanks for reminding me not to give into this. I have to fight it and show myself I think what life can be.

Thanks again,

Terri

Terri B
 
 

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           Hi Terri,
 
                       I'm glad you moved forward.  Everyone deserves to be happy and it is not selfish to put your wants and needs at the top of your priority list.  Congratulations on setting goals and striving to achieve them.
                        It also has been quite a while since I have visited this forum.....     Elma
                      
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Hi all,
 
Just wanted to post an update. I talked to my therapist about how I have been feeling and she really feels A) I need to go back on medicine B) I have to give myself a break that I have already taken care of so much that needed to be done, she said it's ok to just take a break and take care of myself.
 
I made an appt with a new doctor. We'll see if he thinks I need to go back on meds. I hate going and having to give a whole new history and stuff. I have had alot of abuse and stuff and I just never know how much to tell or how much I want to tell to a complete stranger...but, I'll see him tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.
 
My ex is dating the one woman I didn't want him to date...he must have ESP...
 
My son is at my house this week after being at dad's for two weeks. He can pretty much do what ever he wants at dad's and has to live by my rules here. So last night was not so fun. With it being the first night back we did not get along too well. Tonight he wanted to bring up stuff we are not agreeing on and I just told him lets just table that talk for tonight. You know we don't agree and I don't want to argue with you all night. So he's dropped it for now.
 
 

Terri B