Last go round

Diseases & Conditions Breast Cancer
1
Well, tomorrow will be my last chemo. Don't ask me why, but I feel nervous about it. I guess I can't help but think that I will have a recurrence. This last 6 weeks has been pretty miserable for me. My fingers are like numb and tingly feeling along with my feet too.  I have been dealing with swollen feet and ankles. Dr. finally prescribed a diuertic (spelling?) on Friday which hasn't started to work yet and she didn't really want to give it to me because it brings your potassium level down. My red blood cells were down last week and they gave me a shot. I missed 4 days of work the week before because I was so worn down and just didn't feel good. I guess it has all caught up with me. My mother is so worried about all this even though she doesn't quite show it. She may as well be walking with a banner over her head saying "my daughter has breast cancer". She has been telling everyone and I guess it's just to get info for herself. Of course the 1st thing she said when I told her when I found out was that it came from smoking. I'm an only child and she has no one else here, our people are in Europe.
I just want all of this to be over with. I had a horrible summer because of this, have used up all my vacation time already and work was nice enough to advance me a couple of sick days for 2006 already. I don't know if I could handle going through this again.
I know everyone here has had their own experiences, ups and downs with this crappy disease and I don't think I would wish this on my worst enemy. The hair losss was still the worst for me and I still won't look at myself in the mirror without something on my head.
Ladies, thank you for all your support and kind words and let's hope that 2006 will be a healthier year for all of us and that we never have to go through anything like this again.
 
Lots of {{{{HUGS}}}}
Kathy
2
((((((((Kathy))))))))
 
I hated feeling like I had to comfort others who were worried about me.  It was hard to be selfish about that, although I was at times, and I think it was good for me to not deny myself all the time. 
 
I, went through similar stuff to what you went through, worked through chemo.  It was hard.  I also related with your feeling scared about ending chemo.  For me, what scared me most about stopping chemo was the feeling that I was no longer going to be aggressively fighting the disease.   I felt that this sneeky SOB of a disease needed to be constantly barraged (spelling?) or it would just seep back into my system and I would not be able to fight it. 
 
Wow, did I really write that?
 
Anyway, let's hope for a better 2006.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

Ellen

3
Kathy

Sorry about all the problems that you have had. I also understand how you feel about being done with treatment, Iam so afraid of a recurrance that it makes me sick. I still have to deal with my lung and spleen issue.

I agree about the hair issue I still hate the fact that I don't have hair and loosing my lashes and brows made it worse. I just want to feel normal again and not have pain, but that will come soon enough.

Do you have rads after your chemo? I will start a couple weeks after chemo. Sorry about you not having sick time left that sucks having to use your vacation time.

Take care and keep us posted on your graduation day.

Hugs:)
Bernadette

4
Federal Law states that you don't have to use your vacation time if you don't want to for your cancer treatments.  You are allowed to take time off without pay.  It's the Americans with Disabilities Act.  I hope you both know about it.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

Ellen

5

Kathy: Just think, by this time tomorrow your treatments will be OVER...DONE...A THING OF THE PAST!!!!!! Now all you have to do is get some rest and allow your body time to heal. The feelings that you are having are the same ones that each of us have had/has. We all worry about a recurrance. You will reach a point (once you have your strength back) where you won't think about the cancer 24/7. Oh, it will be in the back of your mind but NOT in your every thought. It is also frightening to think that you aren't going to be seeing medical personnel every month. Kindof like a security blanket. I am sure that your mom is very scared but you have to remember that she has to learn to deal w/ this in her own way. Your job is to concentrate on YOU. When I was first diagnosed and going thru treatments, my mom was telling everyone that I wouldn't live a year. mad I confronted her and she denied it. Unfortunately for her, she had said this to my dd's in-laws.

One thing that I found that helped me when I was down was watching a funny movie (nothing heavy or depressing). Although there were times that war movies fit my mood just fine. I am a big Carol Burnett fan and I would watch the reruns of her show. Sit and laugh until my stomach hurt and then realize how good I felt.

Congrats again of completing your treatments!

Hugs...Deb

t

 

6

I know I didn't have to use my vacation time, but I can't afford to take a lot of time off with pay. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that doesn't save money very well in case of emergencies, but I'm hoping to change that for 2006.

I did my rads the 1st week of August. Maybe some of you remember I did a topic on it. I did that brachytherapy/mammosite where they insert a balloon in your breast and have a catheter hanging out and they send a seed thru the catheter. I only went for 5 days, twice a day. My mom says she prays for me every day. I'm not a religious person and there's no point in starting to be one now that I'm in need. People have been kind. A lady my mom works with gave her $100 to give to me. She said she really wasn't sure about donating to the Katrina fund for not knowing where her money would really go. This way she knew it was going to a good cause. My mom tried to give it back to her which I told her to, but she wouldn't accept it. I got a nice chunk of money for my birthday & Xmas which will help me catch up on my bills. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is not one to give away money, anything I have borrowed I have to pay back. Although between my birthday & Xmas he did give me $300 (b-day was 12/24). My mom's male friend even gave me $50 for Xmas.

Anyway, I don't think much about the cancer. I was thinking about it 24/7 before I started chemo to the point I was making myself sick. I'm afraid to try to examine myself for fear of finding a lump.

Carol Burnett is great. I love old movies etc.. especially the 3 Stooges and the Marx Brothers. Every Saturday morning the Stooges are on for an hour and even though I have seen all of them a lot of times, I still get a big kick out of them.

7
Katt-
YOU ARE NORMAL! Every one of us (I think I can say pretty much for sure) experienced the anxiety and fear at the end of chemo. Those on the other side think you should feel relief and joy, but there is a great deal of fear and vulnerability that often comes our way. Life after treatment begins the next phase for you, and frankly, be prepared that it may be tough. It may be easy, but just prepare that you may have moments of doubt....but more and more you will feel like yourself again and things will get easier. Don't be scared of what I said, I am telling you just so you know, if you have times of anxiety, that it is ok and normal, and we can all relate.
Take one day at a time and celebrate this great milestone!
We're always here....
Lori

8
Kat:
 
You like the stooges??????  But you're not a guy!
 
Truth be told, I still have to pay my DH back when I borrow and he me.  It helps keep me independent in my mind, anyway.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

Ellen

9
Kathy,
 
I totally understand how you feel - we all do.  It's perfectly normal.  And, it will get better!  Once the chemo drugs get out of your system, you will start to feel better and that will affect your outlook.  It all takes time and I know how much you want to feel 'normal' again.  I thought I would never feel that way again, but I do.  Just hang in there and you will feel better before you know it.

L & H,
Kathy

10
Kathy

So how did it go??? Did you hug all of your nurses? I hope you are feeling better now that the treatments are behind you. I took my camera this week and got pictures of my nurses and then one with all of us together. I was having my treatment and took my wig off for the picture. I started a journal and I will add those to it. Im so glad that you are all done. Do something special for yourself. Shopping is always good.
 
PS Happy late birthday

Happy New Year
Bernadette

11
Cathy, I believe that within 2 weeks of finishing treatment, you will be fine as far as missing the medical attention, etc. I believe we all know how you feel re: recurrence. I don't know if this is true, but I look at it this way. For every pain I get, I take an Aleve. If the pain goes away and stays away, I think that I am o.k. So far, they have all gone away. As for your boyfriend and money, please do not make any committments to who has not supported you financially during this tough time. Please forgive me if I am out of line here. All is said with love and care for you and your health.

Love, hope, hugs and kisses to all on this forum for a Healthy, Happy New Year.



Judy
12
I didn't hug my nurse or anything like that. I just have wanted this to be done with. I will be going back I'm sure for a couple of follow ups on how I'm doing. I will still be getting the Zoladec shot (stops my periods) every month. I was so antsy on Thursday, I had a hard time being still. I didn't feel well yesterday, a little crappy today.
Why do guys only have to like the 3 stooges? I have watched them since I was a kid. I love old shows. They are having a Twilight Zone marathon this weekend on Sci-Fi.
I have just felt weird about this whole thing. I didn't get friendly with anyone there. There was a lady who was there everytime I was there and she was a talker, but usually was talking to the nurses. I asked about her Thursday. She was coming every 2 weeks and still has to come for another year the nurse said to do Taxol I think she said. I feel bad for her that she has to do another year. Can treatments be that long if the cancer was real bad? I don't think I could do a year of this. I hope by the end of January I will start to feel a little normal and the hair will start coming back (yes the hair thing) :-)
 
I hope eveyone here has a great New Year.
Lots of hugs and kisses to everyone here.
Kathy
13
Kathy,
I'm so happy that you are done. I hope that rads go well for you - please keep us posted. Thank you for sharing your trials of going through chemo with us - it really helped having you and Bernadette to talk to (as well as everyone else here on this site). I hope that you feel 100% soon, and that you are able to stop wearing your wig very soon.

Chantry

There are no wrong turnings, only paths we did not know we were meant to take - Guy Gavriel Kay