Its been years since I last posted , and my recent experiences had me thinking of this forum, and the valuable feedback I have received. On a positive note , I am in a better place mentally and physically since my last post...But I wanted to improve some issues tlhat I think have undermined me in my life . As I talked about in my early posts , I had seen a therapist years back . Being new to therapy, I kind of went with the flow of things, with no clear plan and expectations , which was similar to the way I lived at the time . But I did know that I wanted to understand the rhyme and reason of my anxiety and also explore how my childhood experiences influenced me as a adult Unfortunately , my therapist offered almost no insight , save from a comment or 2 over a few years time. I finally did fire them .My.frustration in not getting any help led me to finding this forum which has helped far more than anything else . Recently with tbe goal of improving my situation more, I decided to see a therapist to again to explore my childhood and how that has perhaos undermined my life . I had limited options because of my insurance and availability , but I found someone . Unlike the previous tine , I had a clear idea of what my goals are . On the first visit , I found myself nervous, and I was a bit all over the place in covering different different aspects of my life . I never remembered feeling nervous the last time , and reflecting on it , I realized I was serious this time on wanting to get some clarity , and it made me feel vulnerable .I settled down the next visit, and made it clear to this therapist my goal of wanting to examine my childhood ,and how it may have hindered my life . Unfortunately, , again I find I am getting almost no feedback. And I know its pretty early , but there are red flags already . First , like I said no feedback, except an obvious comment . For example , I asked if the trauma I experienced in childhood is a reason why I have not progressed professionally as I should, I got the response " you know it does." And that is the extent of what I heard in a handful of visits. I have to say I don't get what this person is doing . I understand that the client is supposed to come to their own realizations (hopefully ). But where is the guiding of me to illicit responses that could be helpful . Here is another thing that bothered me . I explained to the therapist that years ago , I hadn't managed my career optimally and therefore Iost out on opportunities and maximizing my income. I then explained very clearly tha I learned my lesson , and now Im optimizing my work opportunities, and professional life . So I dont know if this therapist has a listening problem , but on subsequent visits they asked ne about what I will do with work opportunities when I went over every facet of that before . I said to them , why are you asking me this again - when I discussed this already So not listening to me , another red flag. . Another issue, as I didnt want this therapy to be an aimless affair , I asked the therapist how does he go about their therapy , I said all I feel like Im doing is talking - he said he adjusts it as it goes along , but no real answer . Actually, when I asked him that , he asked me about my job thing again. It almost seems liked he has nothing to say and wanted to just change the subject , rather than tell me how he does his therapy. I dont get it , this guy has almost zero to say and when he does he is talking about something Im certain of and talked about repeatedly. And lastly, here is the worst thing - he has started to doze off a few times . I pointed this out to him , he said its not personal, he has an issue with his eyes. OK, sure lol . I know there are good therapists out there , but I dont get it - am I missing something, how are this therapist and the last one licensed ? Do they want to just do nothing and get reimbursed.? Can anyone relate , have feedback or advice ? Thank you
Post Edited (ghosst8) : 12/16/2025 10:01:40 AM (GMT-5)
I think with therapists procedures that each client is different and I think that they have to listen to you for awhile before they know how to proceed. And in therapy, we need to do the talking so they can listen. But if it were me, and I am not a therapist, after I said that you know that your past is affecting your life, I would have added that you need to put that in the past and work on getting through it. Like now you should work on not being anxious. A lot of our pasts dictates our lives. If we recognize that it is all the better as we have a starting point. It is so important to work on the now, the present. You can get stuck in the past. If you want to pursue it, I would start writing memories down and see how it is affecting you now.
I have bad anxiety at the present time. I take meds for it. But other than that I practice breathing habits. And I meditate. There are many books you can get to help you if you can't find a therapist that is a good fit. I hope you get better soon. Do you see a psychiatrist? They can prescribe medications that may help you... It is really up to us to be vigilant. Get another therapist if this one doesn't help. Get some books to read and practice breathing exercises and meditation to get the anxiety levels down. It is hard work but worth it.
Take care, I hope that this helped...
Hugs, Karen...Moderator-Depression
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies, diabetes (type 2), breast cancer 2021
Hi , thank you for your response I did say I want to explore my childhood experiences and how they have negatively influenced my life more than once . I am not seeing a psychiatrist and not currently on any meds, as I am doing ok managing things . But there is much room for improvement, as I find Im not living as freely as I want . Yes, I understand that therapists need to listen to you for a while- but the first person listened for YEARS with literally no insight - and I was in much more need of help then . And now besides the therapist dozing off in most of the sessions, he either says nothing or he repeats something I clearly discussed that is not a issue .
Shouldn't a therapist articulate their plan , and once I stated what I want to explore , talk about goals ? And while I should be mainly talking , shouldn't they try and illicit my thoughts based on what I said to help me along the process?
The therapists I see do NOTHING , just sit there. I dont feel any empathy either .
Any feedback is appreciated .
Thank.you
Post Edited (ghosst8) : 12/15/2025 12:00:18 PM (GMT-5)
As for therapists, how many female therapists have you seen?
I would suggest that.
As for which one, look on the net for women’s self- help groups, or something like that, and call the female director and ask for a name. And, on the net the website for a local hospital or two, see if they have a women’s self-help group, call the director of the women’s program and ask for a name.
Also, what is your diagnosis? I’m biplolar, and I’ve seen a female psychiatrist for the past 15 years who has put me on Mirtazapine anti-depressant and Lithium stabilizer to keep the anti-depressant from sending me into mania.
On the medicine, I’ve had limited anxiety, no panic attacks as I had before, and no mania depression as I had before.
I know, it’s strange: medicine/help in the same sentence? I’ve also had some side affects (weight gain, slowing down which is what I need for mania and sleep). There are also side effects for not taking needed medicine: anxiety, depression, panic attacks, mania.
Again, what is your diagnoses? mayoclinic.org says aboutanxiety to see your doctor if:
• You feel like you're worrying too much and it's interfering with your work, relationships or other parts of your life. • Your fear, worry or anxiety is upsetting to you and difficult to control. • You feel depressed, have trouble with alcohol or drug use, or have other mental health concerns along with anxiety.
I’m not saying that’s best for you, I’m staying it helped me since age about 30.
OK, rough childhood. No problem. My mother had trauma as a child, and had to rob me of my self-confidence so that I couldn’t make it on my own and would have to live with her so she would have a partner who she would attack. It came close to working.
Several things helped me.
I had an ear problem. Went to an ear doctor who said I had hearing loss (from firing a rifle in the military which I did not put up a defense to). After the diagnosis, I started thinking, if I don’t start defending myself, I’m going down the tubes, and without a fight.
Another thing that helped, I had just read something about humans attacking each other, it’s natural. As in who's the better man? Ir's human nature. So I alerady knew what was going to happen the next time I encournted somebody.
I decided I was going to change my attitude or I was going to die. The next person who attacked me was going to get if full force. And it’s never stopped. Peace, yeah, I Iike that, too.
Another thing that helped was, in an Al-Anon meeting (for friends of alcoholics), I listed my troubles in a sad tone of voice in a group session and the woman beside me listened patiently, and then said, “Oh, you were having a Pity Party. We’ve all done that.”
Well, you know, she told me what the problem was, I was a baby, but then she said that everybody has done that, so I wasn’t alone. She got behind my guard, I was still a baby like my mother wanted me to be, and this woman was my new mama. For 15 seconds. One who wanted to help me. And I’ve never felt sorry for myself again. I was too embarrassed to do that. Two sentences.
Fourth thing, I read an advice column by Niki Scott in my newspaper which said, going into a problem, first belief you can solve it. (Positive attitude. Didn’t know I was unconsciously negative as I had been taught in childhood.)
The next time I had a problem, I thought, think positive before you try to solve the problem, as in saying “Think positive,” and it unleashed my unconscious and I solved a problem on my own for the first time in my life.
My issues are more subtle than that . I have more anxiety than I would like, and it has inhibited me from living more freely . I don't have anxiety attacks per se and do not take any medication. And I do not feel the need to now . I was far more anxious when I first went to a therapist years ago .And all I learned about dealing with anxiety came from my own reading and this forum .
Again , the reason Im seeing a therapist is that fear and my own emotions have hindered my life personally and professionally, and limited my options .
And to reiterate the therapists Im seeing say almost nothing , except 1 or 2 obvious comments - thats in close to 2 months of weekly visits. And I asked him how he practices his therapy snd he really had NO answer .
And I well understand that the individual has to come to their own realizations and truths , but this therapist and the last one do Basically NOTHING .
Anyone can just sit there, but shouldn't the therapist guide things to help illicit responses to help things along ?
And to be clear , I stated that I wanted to explore how being a child in a volatile house with mental illness has negatively effected my life . So the therapist knows why Im there.
And to reiterate this therapist has asked me about a work related matters I talked about succinctly already and is not an issue makes me think they dont listen to me .
And here is the kicker - this therapist has dozed off of several times .
Im looking for some insight , guidance and Im getting nothing. And I dont sense any empathy at all.
Surely Therapy is more than sitting there doing nothing ? Not even staying awake!
Would it be preferable for me to see a woman ?
Any feedback would be appreciated .
Thank you
Post Edited (ghosst8) : 12/16/2025 9:57:04 AM (GMT-5)
You said in one of your posts, "Im looking for some insight , guidance and Im getting nothing. And I dont sense any empathy at all."
You're answering your own question.
You're wanting this guy to be a female and he's not.
You say: "And to reiterate the therapists Im seeing say almost nothing , except 1 or 2 obvious comments - thats in close to 2 months of weekly visits. And I asked him how he practices his therapy snd he really had NO answer ."
And then you say what I was going to say:next: "And I well understand that the individual has to come to their own realizations and truths , but this therapist and the last one do."
I don't even know what you're talking about. You've been going to this guy for two months, every week, and he still hasn't said his first word, and you're perplexed? And he falls asleep during the sessions and you have to wake him up to ask him when is the next session?
You know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You've been fooled every week for two months and you don't see what's going on? And yet you're looking for improvement. Well, you can start with yourself.
Seeing what's going on front of you.
Again, you said above, " "And I well understand that the individual has to come to their own realizations and truths , but this therapist and the last one do."
You say all the right words, but you don' listen to yourself. You don't see what's in front of you. Where are you?
I was going to say, you need to figure this out on your own. You're seeking other people's minds to solve your problems.
You didn't mention anything about what I was saying about being positive in solving your problems. Do you just skip over positivity? It doesn't exist?
You don't want to take medicine, you don't want to quit going to male therapists, you don't want to talk about being positive. It's not a what, it's a who.
And yet your biggest desire in the world is to get over your anxiety so you can live your life.
Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 12/17/2025 12:28:25 PM (GMT-5)
I understand this is an anxiety forum , and when I first was on this forum 15 years ago, I was a good deal more anxious than now , but now thankfully I am much calmer . The reason I first went to therapy was to not let my fears limit my life . And a part of that was feeling anxious , but I didn't suffer from panic attacks and I didn't feel the need to be on medication . You talked about being positive and looking for answers myself - and I agree with you . And when I wasn't getting any help in my first therapy experience back then ,I did a lot of work on myself . I read the Claire Weeks books and learned a lot from this forum, and most importantly tried not to let my fears limit my life .
So I feel like I have grown a lot .
So that's brings me to now . The reason I'm going to therapy again years later is because I want to explore my day dysfunctional childhood, which I have never talked about, and I know formed my orientation to life . And as far as being positive , Im far more positive now than at any time of my life . It has much to do with the work I have done, and my good and bad learning experiences. And I want to add , I am a big exercise person for many years now , and the natural effects of it are as good for me as any medication I might take . I always feel better after a workout .
To sum up . I'm not looking for all the answers from any therapist , just a touch of insight. I want to understand how my experiences as a child - many that were negative , have shaped my life and perhaps hindered it . I'm not asking for much .
And I certainly would see a female , but last I checked none were available with my insurance .
And as far as seeing this sleepy therapist - yes , fool me once , fool me twice indeed . He hasn't fallen asleep , his eyes have started to close for a couple seconds , and the last time , I said something . This is still inexcusable , and along with everything else not good . I was hoping it would work out
I have been mostly talking these first few sessions , last time was the first time I emphasized what I'm looking for , asked how he works and brought up my concerns towards the end of the session .
I'm going to do it again one more time at the start , and if I'm not satisfied with the answer , I will have to move on.
Then I will have to find what my options are for another person. Tim Tam , it makes that much difference seeing a woman?
Post Edited (ghosst8) : 12/17/2025 5:36:47 PM (GMT-5)
As county singer Loretta Lynn would say, “You ain’t woman enough.” (As in the song she wrote in comforting a female who showed Loretta her competition, Loretta said, "She ain’t woman enough to take your man.”
OK, you win.
Let me gather myself. Whew!
What was all of that? OK, femininity. I told you. I told you. I can’t get that across to you. You have it but you don’t understand it. You just don’t listen.
You wrote at the end of your 12-15-2025 post about therapists, “Would it be preferable for me to see a woman ?” In an earlier post, my response to that, before I took it out was, “I feel like I’m having to explain femininity to a female.”
I put you in the category of the woman at the Al-Anon meeting who I wrote about earlier who, after I sadly listed all of my troubles in a group meeting, looked up at me and said, “Oh, you were having a Pity Party. We’ve all done that.”
Can’t you hear the female caring? The understanding? The desire to help, not the desire to dominate like many males? The look in her eyes, her soft voice, her looking up at me, her getting under me and pushing me up, not pressing down like a male. (Which is what mothers do for their children, they get under them and push up (“Oh, I’ve had hard times, too”), while fathers lead with their strength (“try a little harder”) and protects from above. It’s the combination that works.
That feminine lack of competition. That, “I want you to win, not me.” My psychic had been bruised enough, mostly by males. I didn’t need more of that from a male counselor or psychiatrist. Only females have the other.
Same with Niki Scott, who is also in my female hall of fame. This is what she wrote at the end of that column on being positive that hs helped me so much:
“Finally, never hold the past over your own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”
And I have to explain to you why I like females?
I also put you in the same category as the newspaper columnist Niki Scott who wrote about the importance of believing you can solve a problem before you start thinking about the problem. A column which pulled me out of my negativity and got me to thinking positive for the first time in my life when trying to solve a problem.
Why female therapists? Well, you said it yourself, that your male therapist “has no “empathy.” I mean, right there, females win hands down.
But I have looked at my admiration for females and wondered, “Is that just because they’re the opposite gender? And do women look at males in admiration simply because they’re the opposite gender?”
Maybe that’s what going no with you. This guy could fall asleep, could never say a word of support, and you would still keep going back to him every week for 2 months. As in, what are you expecting here?
It could also be because I have a strong feminine side and am more inclined to connect with them and hear their message, whereas that’s not as likely when I hear a male giving me advice. It may have more to do with my makeup, my receptors are more attuned to the female psyche than the male.
As a female, and a feminine female as you appear to be, you may not have this and may look at males as the ones who are going to save you. If you are more masculine, you might connect better with females and look up to them and more likely to take their advice; feel more comfortable around them in a therapeutic or social situation.
So we may be talking two different worlds here. Based not on what they are, but on what we are.
You say your therapist won’t talk. My sister told me that women talk more than men because they are the ones who teach children how to talk.
You say, “And I certainly would see a female , but last I checked none were available with my insurance.” Are you in an area where they have few if any female therapists/psychiatrists? Or, does your area have female counselors, your ins. doesn’t cover them?
I once had a problem with that, also. Decades ago, there were was only 1 female psychiatrist in my city and I didn’t have a positive frame of mind on how to switch from my doctor to her, for one thing she was booked a month or more in advance. Years later. There were more female psy. but there were problems with that, also.
Then I’m at the end of my ,rope. No more female psy. in town that I wanted to see. First situation, I called a local hospital which had a women’s center (their website will tell you that) and asked the director for the name of a female in that field.
Another time, I called a halfway house for those with emotional problems which had a female director and asked her the same question. She said, “ I recommend Dr. Jane…….. I would go to her myself.” I’ve been with that psy. for about 15 years. Also, on the net, look under “Mental Health Agencies” in your hometown. Call some of those. : You say you’re calmer now. How did that occur?
And, “I first went to therapy was to not let my fears limit my life.” And in an earlier post you said you were wondering if your rough childhood was holding you back in your career.
I came out of my shy cycle when the ear doctor told me I had hearing loss. I had never been damaged before and it set me on fire. It was the military rifle range which had caused the loss and I had not protested that, I hadn’t protected myself because I hadn’t ever been taught that and because of my passive nature.
But after the doctor told me that, it connected with something I had just read in a popular anthropology book (“The Naked Ape”) that man acts like other primates, they battle over who’s stronger.
Knowing that, I came out fighting to protect myself from further ear and other damage from my fellow man, who I realized now was putting me down just for sport and if I didn’t start defending myself, I was going to be damaged further until my life was in danger.
I dated a girl in high school who it turned out had been molested on a date and didn’t know if she could date again, get married, etc., if she couldn’t go out with guys. She didn’t date for a year after the difficulty, and when I came along as a new student in that high school my senior year, she latched on to me to see if she could just go out on a date and not be petrified.
And, not to depend on the guy to behave, but to depend on herself with defensive moves.
As in, she didn’t sit near me at the drive in movie so I couldn’t put my arm around her which might embolden me; and to ramp up her defense system (didn’t look at me, didn’t smile, didn’t laugh at my jokes, didn’t say anything, yeah, right, don’t tread on me, letting me know there would be hell to pay at my first wrong move.
I got the messages, one of which was, "You're the one who asked me for a date. I don't have to be nice to you. Quit dating me if you don't like the way I act. I'm not going to play up to you like I did the other guy."
Also, she wanted to know, is that the only thing boys want? Do they not like girls for themselves? When I kept dating her for the entire 9 months of the school year (and nothing happened on the dates), she knew I wasn’t dating her for one thing, but because I liked her. It was showing her that all boys weren’t like the previous boy.
Yeah, me coming out of the doctor’s office when he told me I had ear damage. I realized I had to change and why: people like to abuse others, I needed to become more aggressive in my life, just as the girl in high school had learned from a difficult situation, or my life was going to be a disaster. We had the same reaction. Survival of the fittest. Personal encounters aren’t playtime. They are a pitting of strength. Again, she and I had the same reaction to being violated: Don’t tread on me.
Also, she wanted to know, as a male, was I going to take advantage of her or was I going to take care of her, as males are supposed to do with females. At the first of each date, I would ask, “Are you doing OK?” And she would say, “Yeah.” And I would say, “That’s good.” After sitting in the drive-in movie for about 45 minutes, my making a few comments about the show, I would say, “Are you ready to go?” And she would say, “Yeah.”
I was serving her. It was only what she wanted that mattered. I was doing what guys are supposed to do with girls. Take care of them. It was what I wanted and it was what she wanted. 15 dates of therapy. Of nothing bad happening. I never knew any of this until decades later when I saw again what she had written in my annual, her praise, and I started reliving all of that.
Years later, I asked a friend about her who still lived in her hometown, how’s Linda doing? He said, “Oh, she’s fine. She’s married and has children. She works as a nurse at the local hospital.”
On the last day of high school, in my annual, she thanked me profusely. I think of that now. Often.
You said, “that brings me to now . The reason I'm going to therapy again years later is because I want to explore my day dysfunctional childhood, which I have never talked about, and I know formed my orientation to life.”
I had a rough childhood, also. My mother was abused, and she abused my older brother and sister to the point they are still affected by that. I caught the fringes of that, but not the full attack like they must have. I was very lucky. Survivors guilt, but I know to stay away from them. Were you hit hard?
And , “And as far as being positive , Im far more positive now than at any time of my life . It has much to do with the work I have done, and my good and bad learning experiences. And I want to add , I am a big exercise person for many years now , and the natural effects of it are as good for me as any medication I might take . I always feel better after a workout”
What helps me is going round people I can go to the grocery store and walk for an hour because of all the people and getting my food. I can’t walk for five minutes around my block because there are no people to inspire me. I also get uplifted from seeing people at the doctor’s office.
Yuo said, “To sum up . I'm not looking for all the answers from any therapist , just a touch of insight. I want to understand how my experiences as a child - many that were negative , have shaped my life and perhaps hindered it . I'm not asking for much.”
Hi , thank you again for taking the time to respond .
I'm calmer now from better understanding myself , and my feelings . of being anxious and other intense ones. This is from being introspective , and like I said from reading , this forum , and most importantly taking more initiative with my life and having experiences that give me more confidence .
And again , I will see my options , and I certainly would see a female therapist .
I get it , it's talk therapy , as I have done it's me doing the work .
And again, if some members here can share how their therapists helped them it could be helpful to me .
Thank you very much .
Post Edited (ghosst8) : 12/18/2025 11:17:31 AM (GMT-5)