Aloha, My wife and I have known each other for about 25 years, been together for 13, and married for little over 10 years. We are both 35 and have twins who will be 9 in June.So here it goes...
For the most part we had a very good relationship throughout our 13 years. As with any normal couple we had some ups and downs with very little arguments. We have been separated for a month now because she needs time and space away from me. It all started about 2 months before separating that she started to have problems. She would come home and vent everyday about her co workers not pulling their weight and her boss giving her more work so I'd sit there and listen and be supportive where I could. So this went on for 2 months. During these 2 months I'd notice her getting more distant to the point she didn't even look at me or talk to me much and our sex life fell off the radar compared to what it was.
So I asked her. If she's interested in someone else and she said no so I was like ok. We've always been upfront with each other and always had the respect to tell the other if we felt different about each other or if we wanted yo see other people but this time it was different. So we start talking and she says she wants a divorce and I'm like WHAT?
She then says I haven't been happy in a long time and I want a divorce so I asked why. Then she tells me that I'm not affectionate and caring as it was when we were first together. Keep in mind hat we've been together for over a decade. So I tell her why didn't you say anything and that she knows that she can talk to me and she said I didn't think you'd take me serious and that wouldn't do anything about it so she kept it inside and let it build up. So I told her this is something serious and that I would take it serious but she said that I should've known due to her actions and that I should've figured it out by now. So I was confused.
She knows that I work 6 days a week and I work anywhere from 10-12 hours a day so I'm not home that often and I'm tired a lot. So I said how am I supposed to know when all you've been doing was complaining about your co workers. Not once did she mention anything about me and she was like couldn't you tell and I replied I noticed the difference and she said if you noticed then you should've asked. So by this time I'm stunned and bewildered.
So I asked you want a divorce without trying to put in effort into fix things let alone not tell me how your feeling and she said yeah. So we continued to talk and I told her it was unfair to make up your mind without even talking about it so then she says ok I'll give you a chance but I want a separation. She told me that she'll always love me but she's not in love with me and that she won't be able to ever feel the same way about me again. She said she needs time and space to try and reset her mind as it is in conflict with itself. She wants to be with me but at the same time she don't. I tried to to talk her out of it but her mind was set so we settled for a separation.
She moved to her moms and Its been a month now and it's been very hard. We share the kids equally and we see each other about once every 2 weeks. It's hard to deal with and a lot of anxiety has set into place for me being that I've never really experienced anxiety before. I'm trying to give her space and time which I think I'm doing okay with but at the same time I'm dying inside as she is the love of my life. I have anxiety attacks out of the blue everyday and wake up to nightmares every night. I had a mental breakdown at work and I want to see a doctor.
I have a lot of support which I'm grateful for but at the same time I feel it's not enough. What makes it harder is that when were together it feels perfect and she enjoys our time together but she's still not convinced that we can work things out and not ready to commit to an answer or a decision.
Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 2/15/2015 7:12:11 AM (GMT-7)
I am very sorry that you are having a tough time right now. This is always the hardest for people to come to terms with. A divorce is very final and to have it come out of the blue makes it that much harder.
Now your stress levels are so high with everything going on it is no wonder you have panic attacks. I would definitely go to your doctor and talk to them about this and even see a counselor as talking things out with an outside party is very helpful.
If your wife has the mind set that a divorce is the only way to be happy again, then this is the only way to go. I know that is not what you want but sometimes it turns out for the best in the long run. I have been through 2 divorces and my life fell apart but I picked myself up and got back to living without realizing it. Now it would be worth a mention to her that you seek a counselor? Maybe that could save your marriage?
I hope it all works out in the end for you both and your girls.
Please post here as you feel the need to. We are all here and we do care.With love and hugs from MissJD (s2s) Bipolar Anxiety Fatigue Asthma Allergies
Hello miss J.D. and thanks for the reply. Yes I have mentioned counseling and my wife felt that she doesn't need to be told by another person what to do. I explained that the counselor or person is their to listen and give objective and unbiased suggestions. I also brought up going to church but she doesn't think to highly of it. My best bet is to play it day by day. Now her conflict ia not with me but with herself. I hope she opens her eyes and thinks things through thoroughly and if divorce happens ill be fine with it. The part I have difficulty with is holding on to get disappointed in the end and being alone. I'm gonna see a doctor and hopefully get some counseling for myself. I told her I can't live a life full of sorrow for long. My only motivation is my kids they help keep me strong. Thank you again for your words and an honest opinion or suggestion is better than telling someone what they want to hear. Thanks again
I am sorry if I came on strong.. yikes I hate when people just say what I want to hear, but I forget that some people need a little bit of that... Dang it im sorry.
I am sorry that she is not willing to seek help. It does sound like she may have some depression and when that happens the only one that can fix that is her. We can be there for our loved ones but we can not fix them.
I really understand your pain and I would never wish this on anyone, but as I said before sometimes it is best in the end.
Always keep your kids first they will always need their daddy no matter what. Please seek the help you need for them if no one else.
Again I am very sorry if I sounded harsh or rude. I never want to come off like that.With love and hugs from MissJD (s2s) Bipolar Anxiety Fatigue Asthma Allergies
Miss J.D no worries you are perfectly fine. Like I said I rather hear the truth compared to being lied to I'm a big boy and I can handle it unlike many others. Also I'm sorry to hear about your two divorces that must've been pure hell but I'm glad that you seem very strong.Yes my kids will always need their daddy but at the same time they also need a family if that makes sense. My wifes parents split due to an ultimatum when she was young so she has a defensive wall built up from that. Divorce is a rough thing that no one should go through but things happen in life and sometimes if your lucky it happens for a reason. Than you for your reply and support and don't ever be sorry for being straight up no matter how bad it sounds. Just think of it as this forum you say things to help people. It may hurt because they're not used to the truth but if they are understanding and take a look between the fine lines like they do when they search for themselves then they will see the light and why it was said. Don't be so hard on yourself
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds though your wife thinks you can read her mind. That isn't possible. Take it one day at a time and try to stay in the moment. I hope that things get better soon for you. Again, I am sorry for what you are going through.
Hugs, Karen...Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
Hi Karen thank you. I felt the same way too. Even though she knows that men think different from women she still thinks that I should have known. I love her dearly and she knows it but only time will tell. I am strong and is willing to move on or move forward and she knows it. Thank you for the reply
It is hard when others think you can read into their words and actions. Keep things basic. It kind of doesn't sound like she knows what she wants. Actually... I hope things work out for the best for you...
Hugs, Karen...Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
I too think your wife really doesn't know what she wants - and therefore her accusations to you that "you didn't know something was wrong"! I think that was a self-defense mechanism of hers at work.
We have a few similarities if you were to look at my past. I was married for 23-years ... and the first 15-years or more were pretty good. In my case, nearly the moment my wife turned 40, she became much less willing to talk about anything important that was family related. Her silence to me was how she would deal with whatever was bothering her. So, of course, it never did get dealt with.
We have two daughters very far part in age ... and lost a son (that would have been in the middle) during her pregnancy. We stayed together too long into the bad years I'm afraid ...... except for one thing - the birth of our youngest daughter. That was a blessing - but most of the last 8-years were very silent and sometimes unhappy years.
Please consider that as an alternate - that can hurt many people. So, sometimes it is better to part than to stay together. However - either is likely to be hard on the kids. And the kids then become the most important thing in both of your lives .... if that's possible.
I would like to note also that i had a 7-year relationship with someone until just over 3-years ago. And that was over 10-years after the divorce - so one had nothing to do with the other. My partner and I did go to a couples counselor. We both seemed to want to go at the beginning (whereas years earlier my wife refused to go).
But after the fourth or fifth session, my partner exploded to the counselor because she felt she was being blamed for our reduced intimacy. That was the end of our couples counseling.
Please note ...... my partner and i would separate several times during the 7-years - always at her wish. Later, it became apparent to me she was testing the waters out there every two years or so. I caught her with one person accidentaly - and she volunteered that inforrmation with another person just after the last time we were together.
Now maybe this is a man's viewpoint, but I really wanted to know what messed up a marriage and also a long-term relationship. I would think you might want to have some kind of an idea - and that may be the best you'll ever have .... just an idea.
If there was a chance your wife might go to a couples counselor in time, try it. But don't push it too much. If you do divorce, you do want it to be as civil as possible for your sakes ... but even more for your kids.
Believe me ..... it is all too common for an ex-wife to use the kids against the x-husband. It's selfish - but it happens - and alot! It is the reason I first went to a psychologist - at least one of two reasons.
I hope things can be worked out for the two of you. One other thing ... I did a few years after my divorce find and go to a very good support group for divorced or widowed people. It is so worth finding help - that is help from some who have gone thru what you may be going thru - or a psychologist to you your adjustment if there is a divorce.
Yes it was hard to digest and understand when she never mentioned anything about me. That probably made her more frustrated about the situation. Going back and thinking about it I think she even took her work frustration and whatever other stress she had out on me which added bad feelings about our marriage. Although not verbal but just adding it to her unhappiness with me. She still has a lot of stress from work and that's something that I fear. Also the area she moved to has a lot of traffic so she's always rushing and adding stress. She leaves early and fights traffic to and from work and rushes to get the kids bathed and fed when she has them. By the time she's done with that it's almost bedtime for the kids then she has to tend to herself which is not a lot of time before she needs to go to bed as it was way closer and easier for her when she was home. She told me she likes the struggle even though it's at the expense of stress, gas, and the kids. I told her the door will always be open to come home.
Hello grizzy I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I praise you for still being sane. Yes I do believe she doesn't know what she wants so when we spend time together or talk I always give her extra reassurance that I'm here and that I love her very much even though she knows it and feels it. What makes it worse is that I guess in her past relationships she would do the same with what she's doing now which is taking the easy way out and leaving. I'm not trying to talk bad about my wife as I am fully aware that everyone is not perfect and has their faults including myself but sometimes I feel that she's selfish and overreacts and doesn't really think things through even when she says she does. Like you I also wondered what made the marriage go wrong. I went down the line of things. I was taking care of my family financially, I was spending time with the family and would try and give her the attention she needed. After looking at those 3 things I realized that I could've done more with the family which was a problem for her due to the fact that I was tired a lot and was working a lot which she understood but at the same time it bothered her. I understand that money doesn't make a marriage work and I can't quit a job that pays me well but at the same token being financial secure is a big part of a relationship. Then there's the attention part lol. I tried to do the best I could being tired and all but it wasn't enough. She said she needed more and that's what made her unhappy and distant. She understood that I was tired a lot and knew I was trying but at the same time she didn't understand so with that she kinda gave up and let her frustration build up. I mentioned that she said she needed more but not till after we separated. I said to her that she shoulda told me that it was not working for her and that she should've said something but she said she just gave up. I don't know how I can fix something when she acts like all is well and then all of a sudden the situation blows up. Thanks for your words and best wishes to you too
Yes my two divorces were hard but neither guy objected to them so it was a little easier. I was an emotional mess for quite a few months but things got better in due time. The second one was a little harder as i have my son now but we got through it and i know you will too.With love and hugs from MissJD (s2s) Bipolar Anxiety Fatigue Asthma Allergies
Hi lonely. Just googled the tag you put, as this has just happened to me. It virtually mirrors everything in my relationship. I have been married 12 years and we've been together 16 years. The difference in mine is the ages, I am 55 my wife is 34. We have two children, a girl 10 and a boy almost 7. I too thought we were happy, we told each other constantly that we loved each other, her to me only the night before. Our sex life was good up to the week before. Three years ago my wife suffered depression, went to counselling and seemed to get better. Last year, she confronted someone in her family over sexual abuse many years before. This wrecked the relationship on this side of the family. She seemed to get over this, but shortly before Xmas the person involved was taken seriously ill. I told her I would stand by any decision she made but she said she would not have any contact. Then three weeks ago she hit me with all the same lines you described but also citing the age gap. She wants to meet someone her own age. I am devastated, I didn't see it coming and it was the last thing I expected. Like you I wake after a couple of hours with cold sweats and cannot get back to sleep because it's going over and over in my mind. Like you, she wants to divorce, will not go to mediation and there is no changing her mind. I have lost a stone and a half in weight in just three weeks. I am clinging to the hope that she is still not thinking clearly due to the previous events, that it is a midlife crisis or hormonal changes. Sometimes I feel so low that I am disappointed that I have woken and wish I could just go quietly in my sleep. I hope things worked for you but my demons are just starting.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is a very very difficult thing to face when someone says they are no longer in love with you. It does seem to happen that famous phrase (midlife crisis)when people search for something different. If your wife is not willing to go to counseling to try to discuss and work on the problems it doesn't seem like she might have your mind made up. But why don't you ask her out on a date no children have the in-laws watch the kids take her to a nice restaurant and tell her how you feel how much you love her and you would like a chance to prove your love. No expectations just a dinner to talk things out. As for you I would recommend counseling being able to talk all this out with someone is very very helpful.
If have to agree this sucks ( firstly ) but it may be for the better. I mean do you really want to be around someone who didn't want you around. I hate to sound harsh. I mean it sounds like she has had her mind made up for a minute. Which isn't fair you work as much as I do and it is hard to come home and " play house" ok ? It sounds like she is being a little selfish too. What about how you feel and your kiddos ? I'm a child of divorced parents and they played tug a war with my heart ( but I love both of you?) I really do hope for the best out come here and I don't know what state your in but I think in California where I am the court wants you to see a counselor before granting a divorce especially if one party didn't agree. I hope all the best for you.
And I think Valentines Day sucks and I'm married ( I don't need a day we have 365 well maybe more like 300 but anyone married knows what I mean) a day where all it is is kissy kissy I say boo boo boo.Science fiction geek girl grandma mother and wife ,sister ,daughter , aunt, and friend . RA, FM, OA, eczema, slight asthma, depression , osteoporosis, and other things that I forget I have until they come knocking. Live long and prosper ?? May the Force be with you. ??
Post Edited (Pain$herlock) : 2/14/2015 8:36:41 PM (GMT-7)
First, thanks for the replies it helps. Just to clarify I took redundancy four years ago from a job I had been in for 27 years. I did this on her suggestion as we needed to move to a house with more bedrooms. The redundancy pot payed off debts and a substantial amount went on to the new house. As I was no longer working, in her words, I had done my bit and it was time to retire early, the mortgage could only go in her name. She had worked out that she could afford this and all the bills. I took on the role as house husband and did all the child care. I woke with her on a morning and made her a cup of tea. I woke the children, made breakfast, got them ready and took them to school. She got ready for work. I did the laundry, shopping, cleaned the new house, picked up kids from school and did everything a housewife would do. On her return from work there was a hot meal waiting every night. Her words to a friend were" he treats me like a princess, I don't have to do anything." She moved seventy miles to be with me so no relatives live nearby. My parents are both deceased and she has fallen out with most of her family anyway. I regularly bought flowers, told her I loved her and bought chocolate and treats for her as a surprise. Just before Xmas I was planning a surprise holiday to the Canary Islands but the contact I was going to use where she worke changed jobs. I was forced to tell her my plans and she was over the moon. She said " now I know, instead of Canary Islands in February why don't we go to Florida in April instead?" So I agreed. ( we live in the UK). We were even planning this two weeks before she hit me with the bombshell. Her reasons for divorce are: Since my retirement I have brought little or no love, have no conversation and no desire to motivate myself. She feels we have grown apart. Apart from the housework I managed to find time to coach mini soccer twice a week as well as go out cycling when I could. It seems so unfair that I did everything for her, just to have it thrown back in my face.
The hardest part is the not being able to understand why. She says she wants to be friends and still do things as a family. She just wants to meet someone her own age. She new the age gap at the outset and swore she would never do anything like this after what happened in my first marriage. She keeps telling me I have done nothing wrong, been a good husband and a great dad. I feel like an old car, been great and reliable but it's time to get a newer model. I've hardly got one foot in the grave, I'm active honest and trustworthy. I've never raised a finger to her and never even looked at another woman in our entire relationship. Like I've said, she says no one else is involved, but we've been through so much together and always come through. It's like I've served my purpose and now I'm not needed anymore. The age gap has never been an issue before, even her nan said age is just a number, ( she is 85 her partner is 61) they've been together since my wife was a child. Once again I'm disappointed that I have woken up. I want the hurting to stop but it won't. I feel like I've been constantly punched in the stomach.
Age doesn't matter in the beginning. My husband is 16 years older than I am and my first husband was too. I never was bothered by the age difference. But after awhile to some people it can make a difference. One partner becomes ill or gets old. The other one has to compensate for that. So it can matter at times. I think it depends on the person. As we age and grow, we can change too.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Try to keep in touch with the children if you two split up. Let them know that you love them dearly.
You may have to continue your life without here and I think counseling would help. It isn't easy to accept change. It is one of the hardest things to do. But life is always full of changes.
Try to take this one day at a time and don't assume things. Go with facts...
I hope it gets better for you. Know we care and we are here for you.