New to the Board, and Am looking for understanding

Diseases & Conditions Depression
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I came across this board, and decided to post a message because I am feeling very isolated and worthless.  I do not feel comfortable talking about this with people I know because I get the feeling that I am being a burden.  But this isolation feeling is taking its toll on my mental health and physical health.
 
about a year ago, I initiated a divorce.  It became final yesterday.  I had been married for ten years, but found no satisfaction in my marriage and felt it wasn't fair to continue to stay married.  Later that year, I got laid off.  I also met someone that I really care about.  That helped last year until recently. 
 
Before I get into that, let me say that while I was going through the divorce and layoff, I did seek help because of suicidal urges I would feel.  I was placed on Wellbutrin XL 300.  I am still taking it to this day.
 
This man I am seeing is a nice guy, but is starting to have certain behaviors, in my perception, that remind me of someone in my past who has hurt me badly.  I am torn because I recognize that I am going through another depressive state and could be blowing this out of porportion.  However, I also believe in following my instincts.  It's too hard to tell which is correct, and therefore find myself going through mood swings, such as depression, anger, and ultimately happiness (not euphoria though) because I calm myself down by convincing myself that I am fine and nothing is wrong.  But the next day, the feeling is worse.  My body has started to react to signs of depression and anxiety.  I can't sleep, have no appetite, am constantly feeling obsessed and crazed.  I can't let these thoughts go.  Last night, I felt suicidal again.  And now I am constantly in a crying fit.
 
I can't talk to him about how I am feeling because I am not ready to hear the truth, should my instincts be correct.  But I can't take this anymore.  Usually, there are many times where I can handle situations like these with no problem.  However, in this particular case, I feel that I am insignificant and lost. 
 
I know I need to go back to the doctor.  But I need help with coping strategies.  Breathing doesn't help.  Hobbies with friends don't help either.  I am looking for something to get me through until I see the doctor again.  And when I get to the doctor, what is he more than likely to do? 
 
Sorry for the long post.  But thanks for the time.
 
 
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Hi Kelsa. It's hard isn't it? I'm going thru almost the same thing. I don't really have any advice for you as I'm new here as well but I certainly feel you and understand. In the end we all need to stay strong and believe that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - regardless of how long and hard our journeys will be. Just hang in there and you'll get through this, I promise.

I'll keep in touch!

Sincerely,
Melissa
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Hi Kelsa,  I wanted to first welcome you to Healing Well forum.  You have taken a big step by posting your feelings and thoughts on here and there are so many caring people more than willing to help.
The one thing that really jumped out at me was that you have gotten involved in a relationship with someone who you care about but now maybe having negative feelings towards?  Am I correct here?  It is important that people especially woman who have had an abusive past or upbringing whatever it may be get counseling involving this as they are so much more likely to get involved in relationships that are abusive.  I was raised in an abusive household and followed this pattern for years.  It is hard to break and hard to tell yourself and believe that you deserve better.
Also, divorse is so hard and tramatic.  This I also know, I have been divorsed for almost 2 years now.  My ex and I were together for 7 yrs before we got married, were married for almost 5 yrs and are now friends.  You really need to talk to someone about it.  I know that you said that you didnt want to burden your friends with your feelings but I wonder what your friends are for then if not to talk too.  It sounds as if your psychiatrist needs to set you up with a counselor to help get some out this out.  I would inquire about it with his office.  Also maybe suggest a differant medication as it sounds as if the welbutrin is not working as well for you as it could or should be.  You really need to communicate your feelings to self harm and worsening depression to your doctor so he can help and adjust your medication accordingly.  There is no reason why you should have to suffer with these type of feelings.
You are more than welcome to post on here at anytime.  We are all here to help and listen.  Please keep us updated on how you are doing.  Take care.......
 

~elisha

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Kelsa, welcome aboard!  I believe els's has hit everything right on the nose, she's pretty smart, helpful, etc.  Can't add much to what she has already posted but we are all here to provide any support we can. 

Deb