Scared

Nature_Spirit · January 14, 2005, 9:12pm

Hi everyone! I just want to say first, God Bless everyone here who give hope, support and sincere love and understanding.. and God be with those in pain (emotional and physical) and fear...

I haven't logged on in over 6 months, was intensly preoccupied with someone who I grew to love dearly, more than just a friend.. Sadly tho, I found that my life was becoming to much to bear and I didn't want to see him go through his young, carefree life taking care of me and what I've gone through and the future it brings.. So instead of letting him know my present news, I broke up with him using other reasons to say why we couldn't be together.. It hurt deep to see him go, but I believed and still do that he deserves so much more.. He knew that I had Crohn's and even seen the "crap" I had to deal with everyday, and was ready to walk with me through it.. It wasn't easy for me tho, even tho I could deal with it, I felt guilty he had to also.. Im extremely stubborn and I guess a little low on the self esteem - anyone got a cure for that?

Anyway, about 2 months ago I noticed the lump in my breast felt different and my nipple was extremely itchy and instead of dealing with it, I focused more on the holiday season trying to enjoy every moment and would go to see the doc first thing this year~ They had convinced me that it was benign and not to worry about it, and I went against my better judgement and believed them.. About a week ago, I went to feel it and it wasn't there! For a split second, I was excited but felt around more and noticed it wasn't gone it just moved right behind my nipple.. so I made an appt and had an ultrasound yesterday, doc called me first thing this morning to let me know the tumor has changed in size and they want to do an ultrasound guided biopsy asap. I'm afraid.

I've dealt with alot of physical ailments, surgeries and even tho crohn's is debilitating, I've never have feared it would threaten my life.. I had a doc once tell me it's alot like what cancer patients have to go through in the idea that, you lose your dignity having to go through tests, try new drugs that have a ton of side effects, and even though you don't lose your hair well, like a cancer patient your body does go through a tremendous amount of pressure, weight gain, weight loss.. and your veins become brittle because of not being able to digest b-vitamins, you also can get anemic causing fatigue and of course depression... Family and friends don't know how to relate to you, because they can't possibly understand what your going through and usually flee from anything that would be considered a topic of death.. Very few people who you can confide in, ~can~ because they've experienced something similiar or know someone that has and you become close and hold tight..

I know I'm blabbering and I usually do when I get nervous, but I am trying to see this for what it is, another trial of life WE all have to go through in one way or another.. For some people, who have never had some physical ailment finding this out would be extremely frightening, and believe you, me! ~heck I can't type without shedding a tear right now..and I've been on my death bed a couple of times... but I'm trying to stay courageous and optimistic, right now it's~a biopsy.. no sense in worrying myself sick wondering what it could be or what happens next.. Just trying to stay here in the ~now, keepin the moment real.. I've come along way in dealing with my crohn's, was in denial for years.. Afraid of the unknown mainly and after learning that if you can understand what it is that your going through, the fear lessens.. This might sound funny but I have a tattoo now that says in another language of course, I heard it when I was a kid and it stuck with me~literally!

Nothing in life is to be feared~ it is only to be understood.

I'm gonna go take a long hot bath now, pray, pray some more, go eat a LARGE pizza by myself and maybe drink a beer (don't drink, but always heard pizza and beer go good together )

I'll be around, a bit later tonight if there are chats going on.. in the meantime..your all in my prayers!!!

sincere love, and compassion!

Jenny

There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry. Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.

~Robert Jones Burdette

gma · January 14, 2005, 11:29pm

Hi Jenny, I remember when you posted before. We always tell women not to let doctor's guess there is nothing wrong when there is a lump. But at least now you are going to have some proper care, I hope. A biopsy is the only way to truly know what that lump is. Remember that..................... A biopsy is not difficult to deal with, especially when you have lived with Crohn's and some of your other problems. So have your pizza and whatever, I am one who cannot stand even the smell of beer, so I would have some soda or iced tea with mine. Relax, don't worry until you KNOW you have something to worry about. Come back and tell us about your doctor's visit and we will try to help dicipher it all. Hugs MK

DiVanDyke · January 15, 2005, 12:37am

Hi Jenny,
I remember you. I'm giving you a hug now but I'd rather share the pizza and beer with you. Mine was always Jack Daniels after a hospital appointment and I really don't drink either. Just puts me to sleep.
We have a similar situation. I also broke off an engagement after my cancer came back for the second time. I will be praying for you. We can talk anytime you would like. I have tons of cell minutes and would call you. Love, Di

Nature_Spirit · January 15, 2005, 2:43am

Thank you Gma for the hug! I did have a wonderful bath and relaxed.. No pizza or beer in my fridge and it's about -4 degrees out and snowin bad or I woulda ordered in, oh well good ol' can of chicken noodle sounds good anyways.. hehee

Candy · January 15, 2005, 3:36pm

Jenny

I know you have a lot to deal with and being afraid is normal. But try to relax, remember what your tattoo is telling your. Understanding is the answer.

I would have had that beer and pizza with you. I love beer and pizza together. But, I like cold pizza in the morning with milk. Yum!

Hang in there and keep us informed. I will have you in my prayers.

Love and hugs,

Candy

Many Blessings for the New Year

Life may not be the party

we hoped for,

but while we are here we might as

well dance.

soft1 January 16, 2005, 1:59am 6

Hi Jenny. I don't normally post here but was just browsing active threads and came upon this one. I know it's easy for me to say as I am the queen of worry but I had an ultrasound guided biopsy a few years ago. They put a wire in the lump using the ultrasound as a guide so the dr. knows where it is when he cuts. Mine turned out to be a fibroanginoma (I think that's what he called it anyway) but it appeared one month then started changing and growing. I was a nervous wreck for the week after the operation until I got the results. Chances are on your side that all will be fine. I pray things turn out in your favor

God Bless, Softy

ardee January 16, 2005, 8:17pm 7

Hi Jenny,

What he wants to do is called an exise biopsy, I think. They will probably remove it because it is so close to the skin. But they can't see through the skin, so they need to do the ultrasound so they know exactly where they're going. I don't think you'd want them to poke around without the ultrasound. LOL It might take them longer because they have to wait for pathology, I'm guessing, and to make sure they leave clean margins. These are very important things, and not to be rushed.

I, too, broke off a relationship when I found out I had cancer. Fighting this disease took all my effort, and he was kinda high-maintenance. Yet another reason to hate this freakin cancer. Oh, well.

Good luck. Hope this helps some.

Hugs,
Rita

DiVanDyke January 16, 2005, 11:50pm 8

You too huh, Rita. Jenny, do you have my email? If you email your number to me I will call you. I didn't have that kind of biopsy though. Both times, they put me to sleep and took out part or all of it. Maybe they aren't as worriled about you and that's why they are doing it this way. Love, Di

Nature_Spirit January 18, 2005, 9:43am 9

Hi thank you all for your input on how it's done, i was worried prolly for the worst that one of the reasons they were doing it was because it was more serious than they were letting up on..
Thank you Rita, Softy, & Candy~ helped me alot!! TY TY TY!

Di, i checked your profile and it doesnt give any email :(

There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry. Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do not worry about is Tommorrow.

~Robert Jones Burdette