Ups and Downs TOO much

Diseases & Conditions Bipolar Disorder
1
Struggling and needing more advice. I must be pathetic.
 
For the last three weeks i have been pretty much manic due to a med change, just a few days ago, my meds were changed, and already the ups and downs are starting. You think that you can handle them, once you are through, that handling them again wont be a big deal - but it is. In last three days i have gone up and down and up and down again. I hit near to rock bottom more than a few times today, and that mixed with paranoia is about to push me over the edge of rationality. I keep feeling it slip from my grasp like a fish. I dont know what to do. THe meds just take so much time, and until then its almost worse than before. Ive even considered changing jobs (so i can sleep) so i can go back on my beloved Seroquel (the wonderful thing that kept me so sane - or at least sane enough over the last year.) It wasnt the right combo either, but it was better than what im doing now trying to find new meds. My doctor is convinced we have almost found the right mix, but i hihgly doubt that. Sure, my ups and downs havent ever been enough for me to do some really really crazy things, something or someone has always been there to stop me - but that doesnt mean i dont think about it, or even wish that i could at times, if just to let people know that i REALLY am hurting. Over the years i have learned to put up a great front in front of pretty much everyone. I rarely fly off the handle around people (only family and friends, and thats even something i rarely allow myself to do anymore.) because they just dont understand and its just worse in the end. At the same time, they just think that im making all this stuff up then, like i WANT them to think im totally insane - either way they arent far off though, so i suppose it doesnt matter.
 
COmbine all of this with a paranoia that is VERY new to me (somethin that till this point was not as severe and more along the lines of anxiety - but has run out of control and is hitting on paranoia now) and you get a very confused 18 year old girl who cant stand the fact that she is BP and will never be "normal" or without meds, or really ever stable. I guess some people get to that point, but i work with people that are BP everyday, and the majority of them have help and are still far from stable. It scares me...i never thought i could suceed before, and now i really dont.
 
I seem to make everyone around me more miserable than happy, at least those i allow close enough to me that they really know what is going on. If i hate myself enough to hide from them, where am i going in anything? I fear hurting my fam and friends more than anything. So is it them or me? Who do i choose to hurt? Can I even make that decision? Should these be issues for me? Am i just incapapble of working through them?
 
There is more than a little something wrong with me. Hopefully My therapist can help - luickily i have an appt with her tomorrow morning. But after that getting in will be hell. I hate doctors - and therapists. They cant ever be there for you when you need it most anyhow. So much for them helping, its all self reliance here. HA.
 
Any suggestions? At least i wrote it all out. Someone here said that was theraputic. I hope so at least.
 
Rock
 
 
2

Hey Rock

Wow, when I read your post, it felt like I was reading about myself. I am sooo sorry you are having a rough go at it, I'm curious as to what meds you are on, and how long.

The paranoia and rage I have dealt with recently not only made me angry, but impossible to live with. My Dr actually added another med for depression, bumped my Seroquel, and I feel great (no rage, no paranoia, no mean thoughts about people). Seroquel helps me sleep, and having been on it awhile, I do not feel as sedated in the morning as I usually did. My doc and I also adjust my meds based on my sedation level, constantly titrating, just as your doc is doing. The advice I think we all give eachother-HANG ON. And if things aren't right, call your doc and get help-that's what they are there for, and they should see you asap if you indicate you are not well, which is sounds like you are not. Don't downplay how you feel, tell them how bad it is.

As for realtionships, be honest with family. Explain that this is a disease, and that if you had any other medical condition, everyone would support you, I am sure. My fiance and I just had this discussion, as I scream and yell and make life miserable. My duty is to get better by taking my meds, not drinking, sleeping enough, and his responsibility is to read about BP, supporting me, and helping me realize when I go south. Help your family understand you is key-give them books, good internet sites-hey, send them to Bioplar support boards like this. I think they would soon see that what they see in you can be cooker cutter to others in some respects. Sometimes it is easier to see things in others than the ones we love. It is very scarey for loved ones to admit that a chronic illness that is unpredicatble is ravaging one they love.  And about hiding it-I did it for over 15 years-hid when I was depressed, and when I was manic they just thought that I was "being me". Don't hide, it only hurts more.

Finally, it is ok to be angry Rock. We all go through it-anger, resentment, confusion, denial, sadness. Please continue to share on here (it is also great you have a therapist) to let go of all those feelings...that are so normal.

I hope I was able to help a little bit at least...please let me know. And HANG ON. It can get better, even when it seems impossible!

OH, and pathetic-NO WAY!!!! You are facing at 18 what I have faced at 30-you are a TROOPER! You are seeking help in every way possible, that is not only responsible, but brave!

Shannon2


Post Edited (nrs2b) : 12/7/2005 8:14:31 PM (GMT-7)

3

Rock,

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling right now. I'm like Shannon and feeling all sort of pangs of memories come up when you tell your story. But keep telling it - get it out so that it isn't a demon in the closet, but rather a small stitch in your side.

I don't know that I have many good words. Know that the next time you're worried, upset and frightened, take a deep breath and know that you're not alone and that we're thinking of you. When you're alone and feeling like you're riding the crazy bus, you can know that many of us have taken the same ride, and by some ounce of grace, we made it through to sanity.

I feel like I've been able to rejoin the ranks of the living after having walked through hell and back. Although the medication has wiped away a good portion of my memory, I can still feel the fury and anger that raged inside with the self loathing that came from feeling so useless. Feeling like you're the only person on the planet that can't keep it together long enough to deal with life. Attempting to hold on to the last shred of sanity that you can muster in order to function in the real world.

Please know that these are all things that belong to BP and are not a reflection of you or the kind of person that you are. Hopefully your visit tomorrow will help you find a little peace. Like Shannon said - be sure to tell your doctor everything. If you're feeling that out of sorts, then they may be able to change the game plan a little to help you through that transition.

Take care of yourself and keep writing,
Putter

4
"Over the years i have learned to put up a great front in front of pretty much everyone. I rarely fly off the handle around people (only family and friends, and thats even something i rarely allow myself to do anymore.) because they just dont understand and its just worse in the end. At the same time, they just think that im making all this stuff up then, like i WANT them to think im totally insane - either way they arent far off though, so i suppose it doesnt matter. "

I feel so much like you write that you feel. Im not diagnosed but my mom recientley was, my uncle is and my husband says I make his life misserable. I feel like a monster.
5
You're not a monster Daisy, get to the dr., theres help to be had. No matter how dismal this sounds, things get better. Sometimes it takes a little while, but it ALWAYS gets better. Keep posting, Daisy, you too Rock, it helps take the pressure off a little. and we certainly all understand. Hang in there, You'll both be in my prayers.
Ellie
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I would like to tahnk you all for your responses and support. I really needed it, and i felt better knowing that my feelings werent totally off or wrong. I have found that my problem comes in not being able to trust myself, and therefore spending most of my energy fighting myself instead of solving problems. IM in the process of changing that.
 
My appointment with my therapist did help, she offered great encouragement and a clear mind, something i need desperately. So today has been better, its been very very long, but good. I like feeling that maybe, just maybe i will be able to do the things that i have always dreamed of doing, and do them the way i always wanted to - if i can do that, or even half of it, things will be good...or not, but at least i will have DONE something, right?
 
Well, its about time for bed, but again, i would like to thank you all. I really needed it - and dont worry, i will keep posting and updating you on things and how they go. Sometimes when im upset and almost over the edge, this is the only place i feel comfortable going to - I am grateful to have you all on my side.
 
A side note to Daisy - I sure hope that things improve on your end. You know that i understand how you feel exactly. I would never wish that pain on anyone - but there will be better times. I often tell my family, "I know this is very hard for you, Im sorry. Please know that im trying and im working - hard." They seem to at least understand that much when i cant explain anyhting else and im in tears all day everyday - or whatever the circumstance be. Go to a doctor, they are frustrating as hell, but somehow in the end they help out some - and every little bit counts with this stuff. You will be in my prayers and on my mind. I hope that you have found some support here.
 
Time for bed now. Hopefully I stay on the good side of the line tomorrow - eh?
 
Thanks again.
 
Rock
7
I feel for you, I went through trying times like this too MANY times due to Bipolar and I did not like it either.

Try writing a diary and keeping track of your moods and when they change. Try to see if it's a time of day, if it's an event, if it's what you eat, etc. Try to figure out what is triggering mood changes. Watch your triggers. Not that you can stop things that trigger mood changes, as it happens anyways. It may be medication changes and your meds working or changing inside.

Perhaps you are low on some nutritional supplement. Try Vitamins B's, try perhaps Fish Oil Supplements or at least eat Sardines and Salmon as that's very good for Bipolar I have read several places. Try Vitamin C as I have read that helps. I even found a very old book from the 1960's and it was saying all of these things about nutritional deficiencies in those with mental illnesses. I hope that diet can help. The book said to stay away from things such as Caffeine, Coffee, and Sugar, as that is not good for us.

CALL your doctor, do not have to wait to visit/see your psychiatrist. CALL your doctor and have the girl PAGE him, if you are ever in a real bad way. I can't count how many times I had to call the doctor and have him call me back, when I first was going through the awful mess with all of that. Tell the doctor of any side effects or mood changes. The doctors do not know how you feel unless you tell them how you feel. Do not make it sound like you are better or worse than you are either.
8

Just a quick update to you all. I have been very busy with family, friends, the holidays and work, but just to let you know ive not dropped off the face of the earth.

I have been doing better as of late. The doctor added Rispordal (sp?) to my Depakote and Effexor. It has helped, although i couldnt say in what way. I guess I just havent been as up and down and as stressed. Thank goodness for wonderful things.

Im still struggling, although, once again i havent figured out why. At this point I think it may just be my over all unhealthy body plaguing everyday life. Oh well, it happens, especially in the bitter cold.

Thanks for all your support. You guys are great! Even if i still dont feel "good enough", I am making it through...and that must be worth something.

Thanks again. Happy Holidays to you all!

Rock

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Glad to hear you're doing better Rock. Every little bit counts. Happy holidays to you as well.
Take care and God Bless
Ellie