I have self diagnosed myself with bi-polar disorder recently.
i know people will say that is not the right way to do things but i have had my fill of uncaring unintelligent doctors and counsellers etc. they all told me that i wasnt feeling what i was feeling or that my thoughts were the same as what everyone else feels or that i should just get on with it and get my head down and work hard etc.. etc etc. i am 30 now and have always known there was something wrong with me. always had this little tiny dreamy place of hope inside me that made me battle and fight, sometimes for months and months on end with no relief. i tried to get help sometimes but never found any, spending a small fortune that i couldnt afford trying. always meeting with the same professional apathy, the same hunger for the cash but not the willingness to earn it. but now i am in a place where i cant afford and really dont want to dope myself up with a cocktail of happy pills, to what end? if i be happy and doped is that really me? and what would be the point in that? i have met many people in my life with various mental conditions. and the ones that were medicated by doctors ended up as uncaring unfeeling automatons, a fate i would sooner avoid. i have been disowned by my family and any friends i ever had ditched me over time leaving me alone and lost in the big bad world many miles from home (not that it ever felt like home). i managed to save some money over the past few years to give myself one last try at life. i came travelling to see if i could find...something i know not what. but i have found nothing. only more lonliness isolation and despair. i have found some small moments of extreme joy, the beauty of an untouched wilderness forest. the happiness of nature in its full glory sometimes leaves me with tears streaming down my face, and an urge to somehow blend myself into a happy natural scene. but things like that are no longer possible for an honest simple person with simple wants. my only dream of someday fathering my own family are all but dead amongst a litany of broken scarring relationships. my only wish now is to merge with some singular beauty, become part of a beautiful picture, become part of an old and wise tree, or food for some innocent scurrying animal. when i am among my fellow man i feel an uncontrollable urge to get away from their selfish overindulgence, and when i find myself at last alone i feel nothing but lonliness. i have no longer the heart or the stamina to try and trust people and so relationships of even the simplest most basic nature are impossible for me now. when i was maybe 15 years old i gave myself till i was 25 to find something that would make me happy or content or any of those "nice" feelings that have always eluded me. when i hit 25 i gave myself an extension of 5 years. but things have got drastically worse for me. where once i could go for months just on my own inner strength i feel that youthful inner energy failing me now. i no longer have the stomach for the fight. my dream is dead i have nothing to fight for now. the princess of my dreams never came into my life. all the people i met were selfish and uncaring and as soon as they realised i wasnt normal they ran far far away with neither a goodbye nor an explanation. so i view all people with the same distrust to which they respond with their feet. so every day i wake up in a strange place not having a clue what to do with myself anymore. things which used to bring me limited happiness like nature music art etc no longer bring anything but boredom and sadness. i see death and chaos all around me now. the sands of time for me have all but run out. and the days when i am "high" i just wander alone tirelessly through varying city streets for hours and hours on end. sometimes hoping for a murderer to stalk me or for a mugger to challenge me, because i have no fear now. if anyone pulled a knife on me i would do my best to kill us both. i long for an end, a closure, for my brain to just stop and for me to simply cease. if there is a heaven or a hell which i sincerely doubt i will be very pissed off.
above is a brief description of my life as it is and as it has always been, at least 85% of it anyway. i wonder if there is anyone else similar to me who would care to communicate something to me, not that i think it will matter or help. but i suppose i still have a tiny bit of hope left deep down inside me. can anyone out there reach it? can anyone give me hope? i doubt it very much, but i have to try. i have to know for sure. and if not then i bid you all adieu, i would love to say it has been a pleasure...but it has been quite the opposite. over my life i have developed a deep misanthropic hatred for all your vile dishonest ways and i shall be glad to finish with you all...
sincerely yours.... L
Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 1/26/2006 8:58:04 AM (GMT-7)
Welcome Loooly, I'm not going to say I know how you feel. Noone can feel what you've felt without living your life, but we've all been to the pit. All of us with bipolar disorder run both ends of the spectrum. The absolute joy you speak of, that you find in nature. We all find out euphoria where we will, but most of us experience it. We also tread where you seem to be wandering now. That black pit of depression. The place that leaves us feeling that we can't bear to go on, not even one more day. It passes looly. Those rare beautiful moments make it worth surviving. I know you're drug resistant. I am as well. I hate meds. Don't even take tylenol until the pain is so bad I just can't take it anymore. There are medications for depression that don't turn you into a zombie. Maybe a couple of days of sleepiness but alot don't even do that. Theres help to be had. You've got to want it though. You have to give yourself the possibility of a tomorrow. Tomorrow could be that day you've waited for all your life. You're obviously an intelligent person and sound as though you have much to give. Make a call and get some help now. We'd like to hear from you again. Ellie
Welcome to HW. It sounds like you're in a pretty bad depression. I'm very sorry for that, we have all been there. But I'm not so sure you're bipolar. And all docs can't be unintelligent, how many have you seen? What have you actually been diagnosed with? You said you had "highs" when in nature, but can you elaborate what else went with them? I worry about people self diagnosing bipolar, it is very complex and takes a while even for psychiatrists, but the key is mania. Without episodes of hypomania/mania you cannot be bipolar - it isn't just bad depression. Here is a very useful screening test to help you decifer if you really are bipolar, it will tell you the probability of a diagnosis. You should take it to your next psychiatrist (not GP) visit to get help if you are, if you are treated for bipolar and are not, you will get worse. I am also posting a very detailed description of what hypomania is and what mania is, and how many of the symptoms must be present under what conditions, it's the criteria the DSM IV goes by to accurately diagnose bipolar disorder. It will be in the following post, if I get the links while typing this, the text will be gone, so have to do it next, ok?
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key
Post Edited (psychnurse) : 10/21/2005 5:35:00 AM (GMT-6)
Loooly, you express yourself beautifully. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing the pit of he**. At that point all seems lost, unreachable, unattainable, and why bother anyway. I understand. I am BP1 rapid cycler, and I take a cocktail that keeps me level and ever hopeful. I have no "zombie" side effects thank goodness, I am able to feel and think in full spectrum. The drugs they use now are not like the drugs of old where you just weren't yourself. The new atypicals, like Abilify open doors, not close them.
None of us, it seems, are people lovers, though we do tend to bond with each other. It's best to have friends who understand that some days you just aren't going to be able to do it, whatever "it" might be. I spent many a lonely night thinking that it just wasn't worth it myself. I have never walked that mile in your shoes, but mine didn't always fit to comfortably either. Befor my dx I was a mess, going both up at down like a roller coaster completely out of control. I lost any sense of balance and purpose in my life. Since dx and medication I have gotten my head clear, and that in turn, helped me to get my life clear. I am now hopeful and energetic. I am able to plan for my future and take the things that BP's go through in stride. I have friends who care deeply about what is happening to me. But that did require that I be careful about who I trusted and who I didn't.
When I found this site I was newly dx'd and frightened. I was lost and didn't know what to expect or what was going to happen to me with all the medication that I was now on. The people here were both supportive and informative about which medication worked and didn't work. When was the best time to take my meds, and most of all let me be who I am without criticism. It is difficult to grow up "different". I understand that part too. Knowing something is wrong with you and being unable to get help must be a horrid feeling, but don't give up trying. Once you are stable you'll see the world through completely different eyes, that I can promise you, because not only will you still be able to cry at the beauty of nature, but you'll be able to laugh, to feel, to plan, to see beyond the dark void.
Good Luck to you and I hope we hear from you agin soon,
Sandra
BP brings new meaning to Life's Little Ups and Downs
Well, I think most have experienced some of what you are going through. we Bipolars, are not people persons on the norm. ( Not quite sure I get your last sentence or to whom you mean ). In life you tolerate situations, and the people that come with it. I don't put all non BP's in a category however, and usually won't say all, or never. People unlike me, help me realize why I am here, and frankly make me feel more intelligent. Medications ( some), can make you feel tired, in another planet... but some don't. i believe in anything that helps me feel better in the long run. It's a short step in a marathon. I used to feel all against my meds, and lived in a state of denial. Being Bipolar doesn't really allow me the option to be unmedicated and live a normal life. Unless you call the hospital , normal. Lol As far as giving you hope, well I can't do that for you, you do that for yourself. You said that you wanted something to live for. I think that you mentioned the beauty of nature, and the natural environment.Even that is something that affects you and can give you hope! As far as trusting people and what not... well you give and get in,life. I trust people I don't even know everyday when I get in my car in drive. It's a huge trust, I trust they will stay in there own lane, drive carefully... ... and so on. I understand where you are , and personally hope you see a different place, whatever that might be. I have found friends on here, that I haven't found all my life. maybe you can as well!!! I think when I have been feeling really bad, I have wrote on here, it was my way of saying help me. I was reaching out, I hope you do the same. Best wishes.
hello and thank you all for your well meaning words. i didnt understand some of what you said, "dx", "dsm iv"? what i didnt seem to elucidate fully to you all in my first communication is that i am in a very poor financial position and dont have money to go visit any more drug company reps (doctors) and i dont have any money for the drugs themselves even if i did believe that they could do some good. and the other thing is the black pit of depression never ends, i get weird feelings of elation sometimes and i run about talking jibberish to absolute strangers without sleep sometimes for days on end, but it can never dispel the darkness, like a drug trip it is only a momentary escape from the all consuming black. i am not working at the moment and feel no desire to resubmerge myself into the rat race, i am living on a finite supply of funds which are rapidly dwindling. i have always felt like this. my earliest memories are of hopelessness and my childhood dreams were mostle bad, frequently disturbing and often i would wake screaming and in tears and deeply afraid. my dreams were so terrible that my mother was too afraid of them and soon stopped caring or helping leaving me to deal with them alone. my father is an alcoholic and wasnt around much. like i said in my first letter i got thru everything because of one thing, hope. the only real childhood wish or dream i ever had was to have a real family around me and people who really cared about me. as a child i soon realised that my family were of the uncaring nasty variety, so i would dream and fantasise about someday meeting a lady that i could start my own family with where we could have nice meals together, and celebrate eachothers birthday and holidays and generally maybe just have a laugh once in a while. but as i grew up i realised more and more that i just am not compatible with people, in fact i am a positive people repellant. most people make their decisions about me within a couple of minutes, some less. but all decide that i am a weirdo and not to be admitted to the circle. i could never ever figure out why and this gave me times of unbridled despair with humanity. my 20s were awful. when i should have been sowing my wild oats or doing whatever normal 20s year olds do i spent most of the decade cooped up alone in dingy apartments/bedsits reading or watching tv. and then i met a lady one night recently who saw me as i really am and told me of her brother and his battle with BP. since then i have read an awful lot about it and done several tests all of which indicate that i have the thing or disease or whatever it is. all the accounts from fellow sufferers rang home true to me. maybe i dont have it but what it is i have must be so close that is there any need to differentiate? but then again what is mental illness? if you ask me at least 90% of people are mentally ill anyway. should they all get doped up by doctors? no because they go to work everyday and are productive and not a threat to (un)civilisation as we know it. i could talk a lot about stuff like this and philosophise for days about the mental well being of various so called world "leaders", but there really is no point. the world is as it is because most of the people with any sort of power like it like this. if they didnt they would try and change it, but they dont. so i will try again to ask one thing of you all if any of you would care to reply again. why? why should i keep going why should i try find help in a world that doesnt want to help? i have read a lot of people with BP and from the sounds of it the best i can hope for is a lonely, solitary life with expensive and harsh drugs that if i am very lucky wont dope me up and if am really lucky i wont have to spend a lot of time in hospital. so i ask you all why? why would you give yourself such an awful life like that? why bother? the world is already far to overpopulated with human civilisation advancing and destroying at an exponential rate. this is not something i would have ever wished for myself or any of my potential children so why would i keep going on? for me it is all or nothing. if i cant have my dream then everything else is worthless and pointless and just a waste of precious resources. and i know some of you may think that human life is sacred, well just think for a moment, is my pathetic miserable depressing black useless lonely life worth that of an african farmer with 5 hungry mouths to feed? i think not. anyway i have some money left and i will carry on for a few weeks yet i will do nothing until the money runs out. i am nothing if not pragmatic. but once that money runs out i feel that my fate is sealed, unless another outcome is presented to me. and if i dont here from any of you again then i would like to take this opportunity to thank you all and to impress upon any of you the necessity of love tolerance and neighbourliness in this increasingly fractious and unfriendly world. if you have kids ****ing hug them once in a while.... regards, L
Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 1/26/2006 8:59:43 AM (GMT-7)
First: "dx" means diagnosis, sorry for the abbreviation. "DSM IV" is the "bible" of mental illness diagnoses. Bipolar disorder and schitzophrenia are considered to be the SMIs - serious mental illnesses.
Given your disdain for people in the medical field, I will try to make this short. The reason for being here is hope. We have ALLLLLLLL been where you are, including me. If you're BP, you're no different than the rest of us. We have all pondered the meaning of (our) life and the reason to stay. We got help. MDs are NOT drug reps. Some are better than others, but without them and the meds they prescribe, many of us wouldn't be here including myself. Ask any BP who got stable if MDs are just "drug reps" and worthless. If you can't work, and many can't because of it, get some assistance from the govornment. People like us that are severely ill are legitimate candidates for help, and you can get the meds you so desperately need.
Your main problem is lack of hope, and apathy, which are common with a longstanding depression. You must have an inkling of hope, or you would already have done it, and not written in here for help. Hospitals are short stays and NOTHING like on TV! No drooling people walking about in a stupor. They are like anybody else, they just have problems like you. 3-4 days is the usual stay - you need to be closely monitored by psychologists and psychiatrists to get the best results quickly, just getting meds and going home often doesn't work as quickly and then you lose even more hope. These people are trained to do nothing else really but care for people like us. They will give you hope and if you TRY, eventually you will find success. Do not expect it overnight. You need not have money to get this kind of help. County hospitals will work with you, disability comes with Medicare, you can apply for Medicaid. When you get better, you may opt to work again, ifyou feel like you can do so.
You need hope, my friend, because frankly, with your attitude toward life and every person in it, and the conviction that NONE of your dreams will ever be realized, there is not much point. You have to help YOURSELF, too! Treating BP is a joint effort, do not just expect the doctors to fix you alone and the first meds you try to get you well. BP is very hard to treat, a trial and error period, since we all respond differently to the meds used to treat us. But the right combination with little side effects for YOU is out there. You keep trying, working with the doc. Ask him to try different things you LEARN about. This board is very helpful in that regard. You sound like an extremely intelligent person, you can learn quickly about the nuances of it and the meds to treat it. All you have to do is read posts here, ask questions and investigate the net on your own. When I was diagnosed (dx) 16 years ago, there was no internet for me to learn, so I thought it was no biggie. I then went on to practically destroy my entire life with my behaviour (mania). It gets much, much worse as you get older. It's best to try to get your attitude adjusted just to the point of trying to help yourself WITH medical help, it's the only way, and talk to someone at the suicide hotline, they have ALL been where you are and survived it and found a purpose in life. I am not going to get all religious and tell you "you have a purpose". Sometimes we frankly just can't figure out what it is. But when you feel better, you can be productive and happy. It's out there if you try. Key word: TRY.
I hope this isn't offensive to you, since you really hate people, and especially peope in the medical field, but I know what I am talking about; I sincerely hope you take at least SOME of my advice, and the advice of others on this board. It is your choice if you want to get better. I wish you well.
Variety is the spice of life, BP is the key
Post Edited (psychnurse) : 11/1/2005 4:18:08 AM (GMT-7)
I hear what you are saying and can relate to alot of that myself. I am new to this forum and posted something earlier this week regarding my friend. I myself have thoughts like you have had and are having. Life is tough and I was an angry person when I was younger. I hated the world, people, family etc... nothing mattered to me. I am now 35 and have realized that the only one we can make happy is ourselves. I take each day one day at a time and make it a point to do something special for someone else each day. I know this might sound lame but if you try this I promise you it will work. No matter what your situation is if you help someone else it give you a since of accomplishment, you have a since of self worth and you feel that you have made a difference in this world. Its obvious that you are still trying to reach out for help and I really believe that if you take one day at a time, do something special for someone else and talk with a really good counsler this will give you a different outlook on your life and the people around you. Doing something doesn't have to cost alot of money if that may be a concern for you. Send someone a card, make something for a neighbor, help someone with whatever but you have to do it. Afterwards, notice how you feel. Its a great feeling and you will want to do it daily.
Also, I recommend a great book that has helped me out alot by "Joel Olstein,called Your Best Life Now. I believe certain things can rob you of happiness and if you get up saying that I am going to have a great day today and no one is going to mess that up for me,it can happen. What people have to change is their outlook and mindset. We are given one life and no matter what happens there is a reason you are on this earth and that is the truth. Don't let anyone rob you of that. Also, if someone acts rude to you or treats you badly, say something nice in return. Killing someone with kindness always makes them think of how they are acting and it puts you at peace with yourself.
I really hope some of what I have said helps you and I would love it if you would let me know your progress. I really do care about people and I don't want to see anyone hurting. I have had alot of hurts in my life and I really want you to know that someone DOES CARE!!
hello everyone, i havent been on in ages as i found reading all your words extremely depressing. i know some of you will resent what i say but i am nothing if not honest. the last time i was on i told you all i had a small amount of money left and i was travelling in a foreign country, seeking searching hoping...yes i do still have a little hope left but it has long since ceased to be specific. at this stage it is simply a raw animal instinct of survival. and that is failing me fast. as is my bank balance. the last time i tried to explain my position...i am 30 years old, i have been to many drs and counsellers etc, rang many helplines, spoken nay begged people for help. the result was always the same. nothing. i was told many things like "everyone feels like that" or that there is nothing wrong with me. i have lost count of how many times i have turned over a new leaf sought help determined i was gonna find some sort of happiness. each failure added cynicism to the next attempt, in the way that is 100% natural we all learn to distrust things that dont work. i have tried so many times that i dont think i can stand another failure. everything in my life i have attempted (except school which i found mostly easy) has been a miserable failure. the last counseller i saw for more then 20 weeks spending a small fortune in the process left me feeling so down and pathetic and depressed that since then i have been sinking deeper and deeper. but the main reason i am not willing to use so called medical experts again is the depression i felt last time turned into anger when i realised she (the counseller) didnt give a flying **** about me or my problems but she was more then willing to take the 50 bucks a week. i kept telling her that i was feeling worse and worse by the week, and that i didnt think her sessions were helping. she just kept saying soothing walt disney words to me that everything would be ok that i should just come again next week. till finally things got so bad that i asked her out straight "can you help me" she would not answer she simply just kept repeating her pathetic mantra "come again next week". so i didnt. i have spent long sleepless nights, wondering how a so called intelligent, educated and wealthy woman could be so cruel and callous and uncaring. i asked myself how she could lie to me week after week, watching me descend deeper and deeper but only hearing the cash register ker-ching. and this my is my experience with the medical profession. this is only one example of a litany of others. and i know, i was a sick little child and spent many a long depressing day in hospital. its true i have had many complaints in my life this final "disease" easily the worst and most debilitating i have encountered. so no, i will not be seeking any professional help, even if i could afford it i wouldnt. because, this one will annoy you most, i believe they are not concerned with our mental health at all. they are educated to mantain the status quo. and get rich while so doing. if anyone could direct me to a person who would see me on a no results no fee basis i would be happy to go. or even if it was a case of pay what you can afford, i would go. dont forget these so called professionals mostly retire before they are 50 and quite often millionaires. so please dont ask me to trust one of these people again. thats not what i came on this website for. what my problem has been all my life is that i never had anyone to talk to. i could never make friends at school, or if i did they only wanted my friendship for their own selfish uses. when it came to me needing something, someone to just say to me it will be ok, there was never anyone there. i spent a lot of years trying to buy friendship. i worked hard from my early teens so i always had cash. that did not work either and i found that the more favours you do for people the more they walk all over you. so i dont think the "do a nice thing every day" policy will work with me. i found the nicer i was the worse i got treated. which made me worse psychologically. so that takes me to here and now. like i said i am in a foreign country (not the USA). i have never paid tax here so am entitled to nothing. i can ring vacuous helplines all day but that wont help. believe me i have tried. i spent all day sitting in my car bawling crying. writing this was the only thing i could think of doing. is there any of you out there that understands anything i have said? is there anyone who isnt brainwashed by tv and their need to be sexy? is there just one person in this whole planet that isnt a slave to consumption? do any of you care about what we are doing to our beautiful planet and all our beautiful peoples? you will probably say yes, and then go out to your 3 ton 4wd vehicle to drive 500m to buy make up or microwave dinners or some other crap that no one needs and that is no good for you and that you would never ever buy if you could think for yourselves. today i made a noose. i have about enough money for another month or so of this. after that i dont know but i really really want to be happy, and i would dearly love someday to have a child. but this brain of mine torments me all the time. it gets more and more difficult by the day. yes its my attitude that is wrong yes i am cynical yes we are what we make ourselves, i understand and agree with all these things. but theydo not help me any. and yes maybe you are right maybe i am not bi-polar, but i am human and i know i deserve better. what tag you wish to put on my tortured existence matters not a jot to me. so please if anyone out their identifies with me or wants to help or has something to say that may help me then please talk to me. if you wanna lecture me or insist on the efficacy of modern medicine then just dont bother, i am not interested. and it wont help any. it may be sometime before i can get back on again but i look forward to any replies i may get. sorry if my words annoy anyone but one thing i will never be is brainwashed. i would rather be dead then that. i have no fear of death i only hope it is true death and a true end. if i end up somewhere after this life with this brain again i will go nuts and kill everything in sight. right now all i want is for everything to stop.
Looly, I understand that it is a basic human need to have people in their life who care. And how we pull away and isolate ourselves when we feel like they don't. After all they can't hurt us if we don't care about them first, right? Depression, bipolar, whatever, is a disease. In the end they don't really need to care about us to help us. I've been to many doctors in my life. Do I think it would ruin their day if I just dropped at their feet. Maybe not. It doesn't really matter as long as they do their job. Many of us have spent time in the situation you're in. I too have very limited financial means, and four children depending on me as well. I gave up on the "why me's" It's counter-productive. It limits one's ability to get better. I plod along because I know there will be better days. Maybe not tomorrow, but they'll come along in time. I don't give up, I don't quit. The first step in getting better, is wanting to. I know you've heard all this before. Thats because its true. You have to want to rise from the black hole of depression and despair. You can't sit at the bottom and wait for someone to reach in and pull you out. That may not happen. You have to seek help, whatever it takes, and claw your way to the light. You don't have to do it alone, but you have to desire to sit in the sunlight again. I don't know what country you're in. Or the resources that are available to you. If you are in an area that can provide no help then is is up to you to get to a place where there is available assistance. Call someone for a loan, a ticket whatever. Find a way, because there is ALWAYS a way if you want it bad enough. I'm here believing in you, whether you believe in yourself or not. There is a future for you, happiness is possible. You've made a first step in reaching out here. I know you want help. It's time to take the next step. Take Care and hang in there EllieGood judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.
Prove there is no point. Prove that you cannot get better. Prove that there is no help available. Prove that the world is full of only bad people. If you succeed at such a task in what way will it help you?
If you really believe that people are bad, why would you believe in the concept of caring? - you would never have known of it, nor witnessed it in any way because no one would have ever been good enough to show it. So, obviously you must have witneesed it somewhere,
In a similar fashion, if you have just recently discovered the possibility that you might be Bipolar, you cannot possibly have exhausted all possible avenues of help for such a condition - hence the third proof would have to be false.
If the condition is Bipolar - so many people have had their illness relieved and as I don't believe you're an exception the second proof doesn't warrant consideration.
If there is no point why did you write - because deep inside you know there is. Certainly the people here know there is and that's why we give our time to one another.
Indeed, no one here needs such falacious proofs - nor would anyone who has gone through this illness accept the reality of any such delusion. It's great talking but there are far too many more useful things to do. Like where are you? - Someone here might know the services there - or might know someone in the local consulate. What medications have you previously tried? We might recognise some issue that could show why some new approach is better. There is a wealth of knoweldge out here that you can use. So think up some useful questions. If you want to recall the bleakness of old days etc. fine; but if you want to get better try working on that too.
I know it sounds cold but don't waste your time on trying to recall all the woes in life - I could add the same again and so could many on this site - use it to seek solutions. At the moment the problem is of access to help, let's see what can be done on this issue to start with. My gut feeling is that it would help to go to a consulate to get advice - they are not unfamiliar with people finding themselves in trouble abroad, and should be able to give advice on local systems of health etc.
Post Edited (SMSIRL) : 1/25/2006 10:20:18 PM (GMT-7)
Looly - I read your email earlier today and it has been on my mind since.
SMSIRL and Ellie were able to put into words what I have been struggling to articulate. If we were brainwashed and unable to think for ourselves, we wouldn't be extending our hearts to you in the hopes that you find help. I believe there is a shred of hope and optimisim in your heart - otherwise you wouldn't have written. I have a great deal of optimisim and hope for you.
I strongly agree with Sean and suggest that you head to the nearst consulate - it is the purpose of their existance - to be a refuge in a foreign country. I would even go so far as to suggest clergy.
I'm sorry that I don't have more words for you tonight - but please know that I have faith for you and hope that there is a solution.
hello all, of course i wanna get better. of course i still have a tiny fragment of hope in my heart. else i wouldnt be here. else i wouldnt be writing now. my hopes n dreams are almost all forgotten, my hope is now an animal instinct of survival. i will try and explain myself better... what is bipolar? is it a disease? how do you get it? is it infectious? is it genetic? or enviromental? or is it a physical damage of some sort within the brain? the reasons i ask these questions is because there are no answers. doctors dont know, psychologists dont know, therapists dont know, no one knows. bi-polar is a name they invented to label people with certain behaviour that appears different to so called "normal" people. exactly the same as in the middle ages when women who didnt want to be mothers or mens slaves were called witches and burned at the stake. there was no evidence of so called witchcraft just apparently "weird" behaviour. same as me. i dont believe i have any disease. but there is something wrong. society. all my problems i believe were caused by my immediate surroundings, and my family and so called friends. i believe that we are within a decaying and dying society. all the values and things that we held for 1000s of years, all the facets that made us noble and truly incredible creatures are all but gone now. to be replaced by the unfeeling uncaring monster that is capitalism. all the attributes that allowed us to evolve into true masters of our solar system have been replaced by animal and cruel instincts of "want". talent conversation skill and adaptability are all but dead now. why? because the authorities since the 1970s realised that idiot people were easier to control. and as my father always told me a fool and his money are easily parted. thats what it is all about, the almighty dollar. so i dont believe any doctor can help me it is not a romantic hollywood question of me suddenly seeing the light and walking towards it. there is no light. if these so called educated men and women of the psychology profession were true doctors they would realise the same questions as i have outlined above and realised the absolute futility of trying to treat something that there is absolutely NO evidence for. so the next question arises why do they bother to mantain the illusion of the mental health profession? i will leave that one for yourselves to answer. but as you can see there is no way i am going to one of these charlatans again. unless one of them or someone can explain to me in depth what is wrong with me and what drugs will do to me there is no way i am going to just swallow happy pills the make me forget and make me a robot. like i said in an earlier letter as *****d up as i am at least i know what the truth is and that is something i will never give up. as you can probably guess i accept no ones word for anything, i doubt everything unless i can see it feel it touch it i refuse to believe. i inform myself, i read. i do not accept the word of these so called professionals. like i said they all just lied to me and tried to make me think happy thoughts that simply werent true. the psychology profession, as all human endeavours, has been corrupted and manipulated to a large degree for reasons i will not outline here. i believe that the whole problem lies in the fact that all the western world is dominated by evil anti life conservatism. you settle down marry have kids or else you are a weirdo. that is the life that is offered to us. yeah there are ways out if you are rich or talented but for the workers of the world no variation is allowed. which is simply not the human condition. humans are crazy diverse abstract creatures. we dont follow any patterns. we dont fit in any molds. that is why i and probably all of you are so messed up. we are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and no matter what pills you take or what illusions you try to convince yourself of its just simply not gonna fit. that is what i believe in my heart. all the analogys of crawling out of pits, or dragging myself, up from hell will not change what i know and believe to be true. god knows i have dragged myself all the way around the world i have worked 14 hour days on construction sites in baking sunshine i dragged my ass thru college. i'm not a rich kid sittin in the lap of luxury navel gazing and questioning my existence. this is real. so yeah i know what my problems are and yes i know the solutions. real solutions for and by real people, not mind altering substances, not mind numbing spirit crushing falacies by some apostle of sigmund freud (who incidentally was a raving cocaine addict with very questionable sexual preferences). i realised some months ago that the only cure is open minded and frank discussion and dare i even think friendship. real friendship not pretend suit yourself friendship. have any of you ever felt like you would lay your life down for another human? i know some of you have kids, would you die for them? if not then why did you bother having em. do any of you believe in anything? or do you just work 60 hours a week to get a pair of jimmy choo shoes or a new paint job for your car or a satellite dish so you can get even more repeated game shows? so i say turn off your brainwashing tvs and forget about fashion and status think about the status of your soul for a while. i'm not even sure that any one has any soul left anymore. this is my problem. i cant seem to meet anyone in the street life, anyone that cares about anything other then shallow meaningless products. products DO NOT define who you are. only how stupid you are. so that is my original reason for coming on this website and for writing and for hoping. to find someone that gives a crap about something other then advertising. and maybe i have. i know you all mean well and it does warm my heart a little to know that you would take the time to write. thats all that has been missing from my life these 30 years. friendship. its taken me a long time to even figure out what i have written today but i know in m,y heart that it is true. its not the result of an advert or from a so called professional, this is real. so if any of you wanna argue debate discuss or whatever then i would be more then happy to. thats all i want,real people with real ideas and thoughts. not something that someone else told you or that some advert subverted into your brain. honest frank open discussion. everyone else i have ever met in my life is scared of what i say and you would not believe the irrational anger that is shown towards me. i guess people are scared crapless of the truth. i'm not. so i guess if i had to explain myself in one sentence it would be.... so again thank you all for your kind words and i dont mean to sound ungrateful or unkind but i would really like to talk to someone honestly and openly about life and about my problems about anything really. if you think i should see a doctor then you are gonna have to prove to me why, that means countering the arguements i have made above. otherwise it all just sounds like religion to me. blind faith. and blind faith is something i am just not capable of. i'm like doubting thomas in the bible unless i can stick my fingers in the wounds i just simply wont believe. so thats about it for now. i am starting to get a tiny bit of a handle on things and i am starting to feel better. thank you. until the next time..... L
"i am starting to feel better." - This is good, and I am happy it is so. With respect to what you have described above, I for one don't seek any form of drug to help me forget or blank myself out. The only medicines I take merely make the excessive energy I have easier to handle and takes me out of my energy-less states when down. The reality for me is that I feel with medication the way I felt before I had the illness, and that it is so much better than the diseased state, to me it also reassures me that the tablets are just restoring my normal self not making me forget etc. If anything untreated depression can be shown to cause people to forget, get confussed, and damages memories and relationships. My opinions on life, the universe and everything have not changed, from before medication until now. I too, dislike the rampant materialism you speak of, and recognised the importance of sincere human relationships and communication you speak of most eloquently. However, when it comes to the existence of manic-depression as an actual condition it is wrong to view a lack of total understanding as no evidence. For example with Aids, originally it was not understood, but rapidly it was seen by the pattern of occurrence that it was an infective agent, long before they found the actual virus. Similarly for Hepatitis etc. Manic-depression was diagnosed first in Grecian times long-before the advent of modern medicine and during periods when the social issue you describe were not present as you have stated. SO the social conditions you assert as being the cause, may be exacerbating factor, but as manic-depression was around apart from these circumstances they cannot be an adequate cause. Manic-depression has lots of characteristics of what is called a functional illness. That is not an illness with physical damage but an illness of functioning [rather like alergies etc]. For example if one does a pet scan of the brain one can see actual changes to the activity of the brain as it goes through the phases of the illness. You can tell from the pet scans if the person is depressed or elated without seeing their behaviour. Furthermore, the pattern of mood swings reflects kindling and sensitisation found in other physiological/electrochemical processes such as is shown in epilepsy. There are not just unusual behaviours but physiological changes reflected in REM latency and in secretion of serotonin metabolites the later of which reflect the state. Finally, with respect to Psychology and Psychiatry they are different disciplines so your experience of psychology is not representative of psychiatry. Psychology on its own is not as helpful for conditions such as Manic-depression, so one cannot predict outcomes based on the performance of psychology alone. Furthermore certain types of Psychological intervention are inappropriate. As I say, I would have no one fiddle with my beliefs, thoughts, values etc., but from my experience none of the medications I've been one has changed any of them; they have merely freed me from the consequences of Manic-depression and hence have freed me to pursue my work against materialism, participate in relationships previously mared by Manic-depression, and to pursue my values in all my activities.